I have bought many stupid things over the years. For many of these things (like the fake Pokemon light-up keychain) I can say, “well, I bought that just to write about because it was so stupid.”
Backyard Monsters who? Was there ever a place called Zombie Lane? Move aside for this practically-a-game! Duolingo is the next big thing in getting us addicted to the internet that we are already addicted to.
So lately I’ve been trying to find something that I can eat for lunch at work that doesn’t come out of that part of the frozen meal section that oh so many middle aged women huddle around at your local supermarket. While those frozen meals are generally OK, I find myself slowly spiralling into depression more and more with every microwave thawing of one. I have no idea why. Maybe because it makes me sad that I would much rather be eating Spaghettios straight out of the can than sitting there deciding if I would rather get another frozen brick of French Mushroom Italian Delight Panini, or Italian Lobster Fish Fart Bake. At least Spaghettios have a taste. They taste like Spaghettios. All of that frozen stuff just tastes like microwave radiation. No matter how many fancy ingredients you claim are in it.
This will come as no surprise, most likely… I hope… that what girls talk about when left alone mostly consists of such riveting things as Tea and Product Reviews.
As a gigantic Silent Hill fan, it is with very little shame that I admit that SH cosplay and Halloween costumes are an instant hit with me. While the highly elaborate Pyramid Head costumes usually get the spotlight and make me think about putting one together till I remember it requires effort, I seem to favor the SH Nurse costumes above all. I’m not negating the fact that it might just be because it is an excuse to get a girl into a tight outfit that leaves most of her better parts exposed to the elements. Beyond that, there is an appreciation I hold for the SH nurses. After all, they are the true work-horses of the SH games. They’ve been there since the beginning, evolving over the years into even more hideous, twisted, yet at the same time oddly alluring figures. Well, I guess it isn’t so “odd” that they are alluring, since their outfits have gotten all tits out like WHOA. When it comes down to making you feel slightly disgusted by sexual arousal, it’s right up there with finding some porn of your sister and finding yourself not entirely turned off by it. I have no sister, for the record.
There are certain rules that are just plain common sense when it comes to prolonging your life. If someone holds you up at gunpoint, you don’t try to be a hero. If you see a burning building, you don’t run in blindly in an effort to save a crying little girl’s cat. But perhaps most important of all, you DO NOT buy food from the Dollar Tree.
Written By: Matan
Yesterday, my friend Melissa received a package from her dad in the mail containing DVDs, a CD, books, and a pickle. The sheer absurdity of it is impressive, perhaps only because it would never occur to me, nor any other reasonable human being, to mail a pickle. But there it was in front of us. The mail pickle. This description alone should have been enough for us to immediately deposit it in the trash, but it only gets worse.
Van Holten’s “Hot Mama” pickle is a fascinating object. It’s a rather large pickle floating in brine in a plastic sack. The “Hot Mama” is advertised as the spicy variety. The front of the sack announces to the world “contents: one pickle” and proudly displays that the product “needs no refrigeration.” Well of course it’s ok to mail this pickle. It needs no refrigeration. It contains 4,770 milligrams of sodium. For reference, the daily recommended maximum intake of sodium for a healthy adult is 2,300 milligrams. For the mathematically inept, this pickle has more than twice as much salt as anyone should eat in a day.
While we’ve done our fair share of incredibly bad Halloween costumes in the past. I figure before we get to that this year, maybe we should check out what would actually qualify as a really good Halloween costume. And I’m not talking about that deluxe Master Chief costume or that one Batman costume that’s goddamn everywhere this year. No, we’re talking about costumes that would absolutely steal the show wherever you could show it off. Costumes so ghastly that no child on your block would come close to your house for nigh on twenty years after you walked out of your front door with one of these bad boys on. These… THESE are the cream of the crop…