In the past, we have looked at a lot of yesteryear’s most terrifying Halloween costumes. And, despite our strong opinions on the shittiness of children’s costumery before — that was solidly reserved as a complaint against contemporary costumes.
by STAFF •
Originally this was going to be a mighty series of five installments that spoke of the Fifty Worst Movies – much like the Fifty Worst Video Games series. But we had some setbacks. In fact, we started compiling this list months ago, and we still only managed to write about a measly thirteen movies. What happened, you ask?
by Amanda •
Shopping for groceries is one of those annoying tasks you have to do once or twice a week, depending on your habits and needs. Maybe there are some people out there who enjoy the act. Perhaps for them, creating a list for a week, perhaps a carefully planned menu, all of that stuff, perhaps all of that is a pleasure for these people. It might fulfill an instinctual need to hunt and gather. God, who knows. What I DO know is that I am not one of those people. Grocery shopping is a boring old activity that involves many things I despise: making decisions, forethought, crowds, and being out in public.
I believe grocery store managers realize that there are all sorts of customers, and they try to make their stores as pleasant as possible to encourage repeat purchasing experiences. All of the items are arranged systematically, for ease of locating them. The workers are made to be friendly and happy. And they have installed a little sound system in most stores because someone somewhere must have done a study that says that people are more likely to shop happily if they can do so to a mild, inoffensive beat in the background.
by Amanda •
Times are hard these days. There is no doubting this statement – they really are as hard as you think. Many of you reading this unintentionally exhaustive article in idle moments between job hunting or unemployment checks may feel discouraged to the point of melodrama. There are no good jobs. There aren’t even that many LOUSY jobs, for that matter. Getting a bit desperate to rake in a little spending cash to feed your mouth, family, addictions, or bills, you may begin to consider the ultimate in desperate sources of income: Prostitution.
by Amanda •
We are all of us adults here on this site, writers and readers, well-wishers and detractors. This naturally means that we are all well-acquainted with that sluggish beast known as Procrastination. Once upon a time, society viewed Procrastination as a blight, a rotten spot on anyone’s character. Procrastination was a heavy shame and people wanted it stamped out. But this is a new day, a new era. Sure, the old prejudices still lurk around, but we can’t really be surprised by it. I mean, after all, old-fashioned race-ism still lingers around and that malarkey is so outdated, I mean really. So of course there’s still irrational hatred for a character trait that is widely regarded as a horrible obstacle that keeps good people from being productive.
But I am here to explain how all the haters are hating a painful misconception!
by Billy •
I often stray from “Top 10 Lists.” Not just because I think most of them are pointless and about things I don’t give a shit about… but because they are usually full of the most unfunny shit of any pieces of entertainment writing out there. Was a deadline creeping up and a writer needed to crank out some bullshit to meet it? That fucker just cranks out a Top 10 List and his job is saved for another day of getting up early, sucking some bigwig dick, and being an asshole.
But at heart this article isn’t really about my hatred for such things. Yes, what I am talking about was found within a Top 10, but it is not about lists themselves.
by Amanda •
Like the rest of the world, we good people of OMGJ were shocked to the core at the passing of Michael Jackson. We have thrown away all of our projects, we have turned a blind eye to all other news items, and we have just been sitting here, talking about that strange man, speaking of anecdotes, listening to his music, and watching his videos.
Mr HolidayEsq: I was more saddened by the passing of Billy Mays, but Michael Jackson is the only celebrity that makes for an easy Top 5 list.
Amanda: Oh come on, we could have done a Top 5 of the bizarre products he tried to force into our homes. It just would not have been as fun to watch thousands of hours of his advertisements on the youtube.
Mr Holiday: Yes, and his commercials also don’t have enough Home Alone kid in them, a favorite of yours.
by Amanda •
Those Horrible Sticky Baby Things Make Me Frown
Human babies are not pretty things. Ever. They dribble, goo, spit up, stink outrageously, and make ear-shattering screech-noises at all hours of the day. Their heads are enormous for their body sizes, and they don’t appear to have teeth or anything. They can’t even form words. Instead, they make nonsense gurgle noises which, quite frankly, terrify me. Some babies don’t have any hair, and some unfortunate babies have far too much hair. Exceptionally ugly babies already have a unibrow. I have seen a few of them, mostly in photographs. I avoid babies as much as humanly possible, and yet, even I have been faced with the question, “Awww, isn’t he or she just the cutest thing?” Of course, it is not.