Once upon a time, we said to HELL with children and their costumes. This is because children typically dress as cartoon characters in store bought costumes. Or their ever-controlling parents dress them up in some cute pumpkin outfit and call it a day. Or, if we are talking about the tween children, they are dressed in somewhat more imaginative costumes, or, if they are girls, as too-revealing Slut Lite girl characters like princesses and pop stars, which makes us too uncomfortable to even look at. We promise. Children have boring, unimaginative costumes, and they are really only dressed up in order to deserve candy when they go Trick or Treating. They aren’t really trying to express themselves or seem clever. They are just all having wide-eyed experiences that they will forget in a sugar haze within a week, if not by the end of Halloween night itself. We, as adults who value this day, think poorly of these children, if we think of them at all. We want SCARY costumes – or, we want respectable hand-made offerings. Children hardly ever deliver this way.
Heavens to Betsy. Here is the first installment of the final trilogy of the trilogies of the story known as “BOO!” The seventh piece of a story so grand that the world will never cease talking about it. The world, changed forever by this telling. Can you remember life before BOO!? I cannot, but I bet it was SHIT HEAPS WORSE than life today.
Let me start off by saying that I THINK these things were maybe MEANT to be cute. For all I know, people back in the early 1900s actually were trying to take costumes of characters commonly thought of as friendly, such as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and turning them into soulless fiends because that is really how people thought of this holiday. They thought of it as the night to scare the bajeezus out of everyone, near and far. If that is the case, then they did very well indeed. They did so well that they even scared people (me) in the future (now).
Halloween parties are mostly awful. It’s unfortunate, but it is basically how things work. The main cause for just about every shitty Halloween party is the fact that you have to invite your friends. Face it, your friends fuck everything up, even Halloween when given the opportunity. What should be a fun gathering of semi-drunk friends will almost always end up with someone vomiting on your cat, sexual harassment charges for the guy that tried to eat candy corn out of some girl’s bra, and usually large amounts of property damage that no one wants to pay for. This isn’t even counting the amount of time it takes you to prepare the entire thing, which in the end is more like carefully building the Jenga tower up just to watch it all fall down within three minutes. In the end, it’s just not worth it. Especially for a group of people that probably won’t remember it come morning anyway. So if this is what we can expect, why not at least be able to enjoy ourselves at the expense of these assholes anyway?
While we have more than covered our fare share of amazing Halloween decorations, it’s unfortunate to see the popularity of these highly detailed decorations fall over the last few years. While I can understand the economy isn’t quite as friendly as it once was to people that wanted to blow 500 bucks on a decapitated zombie to prop up in their yard for a few weeks, it’s certainly a sad state of affairs when the things replacing those awesome decorations are so absolutely fucking terrible. Namely these goddamn things:
I normally don’t do half bad with the ladies. Being a man of modest looks, I’ve still been able to rake them in due to my massive amounts of personality and my ability to exploit any mental weaknesses they may possess. Okay, so plowing some girl just because you were able to tap into her crippling self-doubt isn’t the healthiest way to go about things, but… any port in a storm. There seems to be one time of year though, where even my strongest efforts fail. A time where, no matter how hard I try, I end up spending the evening with some adult clips of girls being degraded and an eventual sore wrist. Sadly enough, it is also my favorite time of year.
Goddamnit, I always strike out on Halloween.
It is a statement of fact when I announce to the world here that dogs 100% love Halloween because they are animals that enjoy being dressed up in ridiculous costumes. Our four-legged friends excitedly wag their tails when they see their human companions lunge toward them with doggy-sized clothes. They yip in ecstatic delight and dance their paws in place when they see fabrics sewn to fit their quadruped shapes that then showcase these proud little companions to be some sort of dog-related pun, or the star of some television show that the dog does not appreciate OR even watch at all! Dogs love being made into laughingstocks, there only as spectacles for human snickering – the tune of which either sounds misguided, derisive, or full of pity (dogs can tell the difference). I mean, even going to a costume site will display for you, one after the other, the expressions of pure canine joy as they pose for the camera in yet another adorable, cutie-wootie, charming little outfit.
It had been a regular sort of day. I was embroiled in creating and then completing a To Do List, pretending to be a functional, productive adult. Then I took one of my frequent breaks which I must take every few minutes in order to make sure my Quality of Life doesn’t take a nosedive. It tends to really take it out of me, you see, when I make myself do domestic chores. But that is really neither here nor there I suppose. I just felt I needed to set the scene for you, so you could imagine how unprepared I was for this link that my friend, Kevin, showed me.
So I decided to really take the spirit of Halloween to the MAXIMUM XTREME and start off crazy hardcore with an INTENSE viewing experience. I climbed up Netflix Mountain to see what was on offer in the genre known as “Spookiest.” They have some things in that Instant Watch that are worthy of Halloween Time Viewing. I mean, if you are into being scared and such. I am not particularly, but I decided to be a tough guy and take one for the team just for you guys. Just for you fine readers out there. I decided to watch Mad Monster Party.