Guide to American Presidents That Humor Me
Another Presidents Day has come and gone, ladies and gentlemen, and I find myself feeling a little older and wiser because of it. Presidents Day is a blissful time of year, a glorious holiday that has retained its quiet dignity. Very little commercialism surrounds it. We are not inundated by P.D. cartoons, mascots, hassles, guilt. In fact, it is mostly looked over. Everyone is still hurting from Valentines Day and Chinese New Year usually falls around here, too, which makes mid-February an active time of planning and celebrating. (more…)
The holiday season is once again upon us, and for most people over the age of 20, it means two months of constant torture. Not only do you have to deal with the depression of knowing that all the “magic” that these holidays have held has long been sucked dry from companies who only want you to spend as much of your money as possible on their worthless products, but also because it seems that every fucking store on Earth somehow spontaneously gets 700 times more crowded this time of year. It doesn’t matter where you go. You could go to a meat packing facility in the middle of the desert, and it will be filled with middle-aged women running about, with 13 bags of merchandise hanging off their bodies, grabbing at raw meat and cow intestines and asking what the price is. What this means for your average loser like myself who has lost all interest whatsoever in Thanksgiving and Christmas, is that it ends up making our lives a lot more complicated and annoying than before. Even more so. And by the time Santa’s fat ass squeezes down your chimney with his latest giant bag of nothing for you, you’re ready to punch him in the balls. 
. Now, let’s begin.
Halloween parties are mostly awful. It’s unfortunate, but it is basically how things work. The main cause for just about every shitty Halloween party is the fact that you have to invite your friends. Face it, your friends fuck everything up, even Halloween when given the opportunity. What should be a fun gathering of semi-drunk friends will almost always end up with someone vomiting on your cat, sexual harassment charges for the guy that tried to eat candy corn out of some girl’s bra, and usually large amounts of property damage that no one wants to pay for. This isn’t even counting the amount of time it takes you to prepare the entire thing, which in the end is more like carefully building the Jenga tower up just to watch it all fall down within three minutes. In the end, it’s just not worth it. Especially for a group of people that probably won’t remember it come morning anyway. So if this is what we can expect, why not at least be able to enjoy ourselves at the expense of these assholes anyway? 
Let’s just start by stating the absolute obvious. Zombies are everywhere. You can’t even turn on the television without hearing yet ANOTHER story about how some prom or shopping mall somewhere got hit by the endless curse of the ravenous undead, hundreds gnawed, story at motherfucking eleven.
There are days when sadness is everywhere, inside of you and outside in the world. It is one of the most exhausting things that can happen to a person who is not moving even one single inch, physically. Although it can be confirmed that you are moving downward inches per minute, emotionally. 
I’m not sure if you guys ever noticed this, but updates on this site sort of ebb and flow. As we are the most depressed mini-cluster of writers on the Internet, this makes perfect sense. At any given moment, one or all of us is in the throes of a crippling despair – or, in contrast, one or all of us is chirpy and pleased with life. This wide range in overall mood is reflected in our overall productivity, here on the Illustrious OMGJeremy.com and also in every single aspect of our lives. 
Everyone has a point in their life where they wonder just how badly they are failing at becoming an adult. Many of us have this same point of worry multiple times in a week! This is a completely natural concern. We all also seem to eventually have a moment where we gasp, clutch at our hearts, and realize with horror that we have become our parents. Or at least, that we are getting very close to being our parents which then causes us to react and act like young people again but it is always pathetic because once you’ve reached a certain point of growing up, you can’t go back and oh god it makes me sick all of the time lost hold on I have to go hyperventilate into a brown paper bag. 
