04th Jan2012

Time We Will Never Get Back: A Look at the Internet Games That Are Wasting Our Lives

by Amanda

with generous amounts of help from Melissa!

The Internet is pretty great for the most part.  It can be massively entertaining, you meet up with distant people you’d never have met any other way… Unless the world really is putty in the hands of Fate and if there were no Internet right now, we really would somehow run into all of these people in strange, strange ways.. But I mean I am on my second sentence of an article and I probably shouldn’t ALREADY be getting distracted from the topic at hand.  Wait!  I haven’t even introduced the topic!  I was starting with a slightly-relevant hook to trick you into reading what I am going to be discussing with myself!  Browser-based Internet Games. (more…)

26th Oct2011

Humpday Gaming: Hellraiser PC

by Billy

Capture

The Hellraiser series held a special place in my movie-watching childhood. I recall the first two films in the series being incredible works in the horror genre. As a kid I watched them back to back many times over. Yes, I was a child and watching R rated films. Welcome to the 80′s when children weren’t treated like delicate porcelain dolls and being a good parent consisted of doing the least amount of work possible. At least in my case, anyway, but I’m not complaining one bit. So to get back on track, I liked Hellraiser…and I liked videogames. So just imagine the jumping up and down and the cry of victory I brought up from deep down within me when I was flipping through a videogame magazine and spotted this: (more…)

19th Oct2011

Game Review: Saw

by Billy

Saw_Box_Art_6(1)No doubt you have already covered yourself as if you were in the first row of a Gallagher show, because you expect some shit to be flung around all over this article. Well, we’re saving the shit for toilets and the bathroom floors of restaurants that have extremely bad service this time. You see, just like the movies it is inspired by…this game has a twist. This twist is even more unpredictable and much more satisfying than any of the ones in its cinema cousins…this twist is actually pretty damn shocking and doesn’t make you wonder why you didn’t just spend your $7 purchasing a real snuff film in an alleyway. I hate to spoil things for you, but the twist is as follows:

THIS GAME IS ACTUALLY NOT BAD! (more…)

19th Oct2011

Spooky Gaming: Amnesia

by Guest

Submitted by: Tony

Rarely does a game, or any form of media for that matter, come along that invokes true and genuine fear. Although the survival horror genre has a number of mainstay franchises such as Resident Evil and Alone in the Dark as well as action horror games such as F.E.A.R and Doom 3, never has a game inspired such absolute terror in me as did Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

When you start the game for the first time the developers (Frictional Games) give you a few tips for how to best experience it’s masterpiece of terror: wear headphones, turn the lights off, and be alone. Despite having had my doubts I obliged and holy fuck I am glad I did. (more…)

16th Oct2011

Spooky Sunday Gaming: Lemmings – the Level from HELL

by Amanda

Jeremy asked me to write the Gaming Article this week. This struck me as slightly absurd because, of course, I do not really play any games at all. Video games generally cause motion sickness in me, and those games I do maintain an interest in, I never actually get anywhere near completing. In fact, I don’t think I have EVER finished a game I have played. It is a matter of routine that I swiftly get bored with the idea and decide that the goal is stupid and then I play by my own rules and make some fun that way. This is why open-ended “games” like the Sims and Sim City and Horseland and other games like that have appealed to me. It’s enough like playing dolls or with little rectangular rocks in the driveway around puddles or something that my mind is pleased. The only exception I can think of, however, is the game known as Lemmings. That’s right, Lemmings. I will now give you a moment to dust off the memories in your brain. (more…)

12th Oct2011

Humpday Halloween Atari Game-O-Rama

by Billy

*A special note, you should be playing some kind of Halloween soundtrack in the background of this review, and I prefer that you turn the lights in your room on and off continuously…just for atmosphere.

MWAHAHA! Welcome to an ultra-evil Halloween videogame update! I am your spooky host this evening…I am…okay I’m just Mark. Look, I couldn’t come up with a good Halloween related name for myself using “Mark.” I know those Simpson’s writers do it all the time, but I am not nearly as creative, nor am I making millions of dollars for my troubles…in fact the only pay I get is the smiles on your faces, and a small fruit basket from OMGJeremy. (more…)

12th Oct2011

Humpday Halloween Gaming: Dark Chambers With A Dash Of Gremlins

by Billy

CaptureWell hello there ghouls and ghosts! It is I! The Gravekeeper to frighten you with even more terrible games for the Halloween season! Along with more cheap scare tactics than a bad Sam Raimi rip-off movBOO! HAHAHA! Got you! Anyway, this time our line-up of horrors is provided exclusively from our good friends at Atari, men and women who know what horror is all about (ever own a Jaguar?). So get ready kiddies, it’s time to go back into the depths of my crypt, and marvel at pixels so frighteBOO! HAHA! You’re an easy one! (more…)

05th Oct2011

Alone in the Dark With Alone in the Dark

by Billy

alone_in_the_dark-pcartwork4496carnby_newbg1In the late night hours, you find yourself doing things that you normally wouldn’t when it comes to entertainment.  Whether you all of a sudden realize you’ve just sat through 4 hours of a Bob Newhart marathon, or you’ve mindlessly ambled through a viewing of Bewitched (the movie), it has happened to all of us.  The later it gets, the more your standards go out the door, and it gets to the point to where you will take just about anything…whether you like it or not.  I guess it’s sorta like being an ugly girl in that respect.

To be completely honest, I’m typing this to try to get that whole thing going where you all agree and then think to yourself about what horrors you subjected yourself to for the sake of late night entertainment.  It’s supposed to help you relate to me, and more than anything is supposed to make me not look completely insane when I tell you that it is 3:30AM on a Friday morning, and I just spent the last hour burning down every fucking evil root on Alone in the Dark for the 360. (more…)

02nd Oct2011

Which Came First: My Nightmares or This Game?

by Amanda

You find yourself in a maze filled with edible orbs, and you are not alone. Monsters lurk in this place, is it a dungeon? Is it a castle? Is it a level of Hell? You must run from these evil things, oh! You catch a glimpse! They’re g-g-ghosts! Vengeful spirits of the damned chase you, wishing to devour your soul. So you run. You dodge them by darting into unused corridors! Oh god but there are more! Mindlessly being forced to eat orbs as you run in terror, you stumble upon one that causes the ghosts to flee from YOU. Ha ha! Who’s chasing whom NOW, you fiends?! You gobble them up for a few seconds, not nearly enough seconds. Then their fear is over. You didn’t kill any of them. You do not simply kill ghosts. The chase is on again, and again, and again. Until you somehow eat all of the orbs. Then it all starts over. (more…)

21st Sep2011

Humpday Gaming: RC Pro-Am (NES)

by Jeremy

Being a ten year-old with a newly acquired NES was probably one of the highlights of my life (fuck you, it was). I was on cloud nine with my new NES, and the two games I was able to purchase for it. And while those two games served me well (Yes, even you, Top Gun), it eventually got to the point where I was bored with them. But being a ten year-old, I usually had just enough money on me to buy a bag of Big League Chew, and that was on a good day. Simply put, the idea of buying a fifty dollar game was on the same level as me having the money to purchase an aircraft carrier. It just wasn’t gonna happen. Occasionally though, my step Mom’s Mother would find a used NES game somewhere, and buy it for me. And while she may have been responsible for some of the worst games I ever played (Ghostbusters damn near killed me), she would get it right every now and again. And this one time, she hit gold. (more…)

14th Sep2011

Humpday Gaming: Destruction Derby (PSX)

by Jeremy

The launch lineup of the original PSX here in America was generally thought of as a wasteland of awful games that looked really, really good. Toshinden, NFL Gameday, that shitty ESPN extreme games game, they all looked amazing. But besides the erection-inducing graphics, the gameplay was generally absent. I’m pretty sure most dogs could play Toshinden at an expert level. It didn’t much matter though, as no one had ever seen graphics this damn good on a home console. Shit, most arcade games didn’t look this good. So none of us much cared if you could beat the games by rubbing your ass on the controller. At least they looked amazing while we were doing so. I wish I could say today’s game was different. But it was just another case of eye-melting graphics over gameplay that wasn’t much more advanced than a Tiger Electronics game. (more…)

07th Sep2011

Humpday Gaming: Steven Seagal Is The Final Option

by Billy

I have always had a soft spot for vaporware. For some reason, I am so intrigued by games that were in the planning stages but just fell through for whatever reason. Maybe money ran out, or the technology didn’t quite allow for the game to be made the way the developers had planned, or maybe the folks behind the game realized they were slowly squeezing out a gigantic turd that the world would be better off without. I imagine the latter was the case with the game I am going to speak of briefly:

Steven Seagal is The Final Option (more…)

10th Aug2011

Video-Game Moments That Ruined Me

by Billy

“Are you surprised at my tears, sir? Strong men also cry… strong men also cry.” (more…)

03rd Aug2011

Game Review: Silent Hill Shattered Memories

by Jeremy

I finally managed to play through Silent Hill: Shattered Memories a while back. Being a huge SH fan over the years, this one really put me off initially. I’m not a fan of Wiimote waggling at all, and it seemed like this new SH was about to take it to all new pants-shitting levels of annoyance. And while I wasn’t entirely wrong with that initial assessment, I’m glad I finally took the time to play through it. Overall it’s probably one of the more unique games you’ll play regardless of all the frustration you may have with it. It’s such a strange game in overall concept that it will probably take a few days of going over it in your head after you’ve beaten it to really rein in the things you saw and did in a way that will make sense. And even then, there’s going to be a hazy cloud of uncertainty sitting around. This is a good thing, BTW. Just in case you were wondering. Well, except the waggling. (more…)

06th Jul2011

Humpday Gaming: Let’s Watch Commercials, I Guess

by Jeremy

Game commercials! I love them. Well, old ones, anyway. There’s a certain wild west to most of them, since no one really knew how to sell video games to kids at the time because of their general newness to the masses. From the 80s and on into the mid-90s, video game commercials were some of the most entertaining things on television. Well, besides Murder She Wrote and Golden Girls.

 

Take a quick trip along with me into this shameful display of advertising history.

(more…)

08th Jun2011

Humpday Gaming: Spawn the Eternal

by Jeremy

Hey guys, remember Spawn? Remember how any single issue of his comic contained enough teen angst for at least four Linkin Park albums combined? Yeah he was really popular for a few years in the nineties when that angsty stuff was sorta new and IN YOUR FACE. Now he just comes off as that one guy you avoid on the bus at all costs, because if you happen to have to sit next to him then get ready to hear a year’s worth of sadness and pain in just a little over ten minutes. And much more exposure than that will have you cancelling the rest of your plans for the week just so you can sit in an empty bathtub and stare at your hands. Yeah that was pretty much Spawn. Spawn sucked. (more…)

01st Jun2011

Humpday Gaming: SimAnt

by Amanda

Back in the nineteen hundred and nineties, Maxis released a game for pcs that I thought sounded like a heck of a lot of fun:  SimAnt.  I had played, and been impressed by, the original SimCity, so I was enthusiastically looking forward to a game that did the same thing but with an ant colony.  My inner science nerd was way more advanced than my inner city planner, you see, and I wanted nothing more than to control an ant city located deep under a human lawn. (more…)

18th May2011

Humpday Gaming: Kyle Petty’s No Fear Racing (SNES)

by Jeremy

Remember Kyle Petty? Maybe? Of course you don’t. He’s some guy that raced cars or something in the 90s. The point being that whether you remember him or not,  he had a completely baller mustache. And people with amazing mustaches get games made about them. This guy just happened to race in Nascar, which thankfully made for an easy game to be cashed in on the SNES. I mean, imagine if the guy was a professional waiter or something. A game about professional waiters with awesome mustaches would only suck slightly more than Kyle Petty’s No Fear Racing. (more…)

11th May2011

Humpday Gaming: The Twisted Tales of Spike McFang

by Jeremy

Spike McFang is just stupid. But stupid in a good way. It was one of those SNES games that really only stood out for being completely strange on every level. Essentially what you get is your typical top-down action RPG that Zelda and Secret of Mana had made famous for years. In that regard, Spike McFang is nothing too special. Sure it’s fun, but it’s not until you get into the actual storyline and characters that you realize that you’re dealing with something that may be worth more than a ten second glance at your local video store. (more…)

04th May2011

Humpday Gaming: The Endless Forest

by Jeremy

I’m sure we all know Furcadia by now. The furry game that pretty much started the whole craze of being one with your pixellated furry cat-thing with wings. It’s a way of life now. It’s also become possibly the home of the largest amount of horrific sexual activity of all time in one place. Interactive porn pay sites can only dream of having as many HARDCORE ENEMA SCHOOLGIRL ANAL DOMINATION rooms as Furcadia.

So in I guess some sort of rebellion of sexual angst and the need to make a game even more boring than Furcadia (more…)

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