Childhood RAGE: Goddamned Sweet Tea
Growing up in the South (as a PROUD SOUTHERNER) I was offered a variety of food and drink items on a regular basis. Most of these were good. We’re talking about your fried chicken, watermelon, grape soda, SOME BBQ, Cheerwine, and other assorted Southern delicacies. This was quite pleasing, as they were always being offered and seemingly readily abundant. There are however a few Southern staples that don’t please me. There are a few food / drink items that downright disgust me. The big problem is that those were just as readily available and were being offered to me just as often. But one item stood out above all others… and it was a beverage. In fact, I don’t think it even deserves to be called a beverage. It’s swill. The foulest swill. It haunted me throughout my childhood. One sip and I turned into Jim Carrey, my face contorting wildly, jaw jutting out further than my bone structure allowed. Much like Jim Carrey, this was no laughing matter either.
I was plagued my entire goddamn childhood by SWEET TEA! (more…)
It is once again that exquisite time of year, the favorite holiday (it is claimed) of at least one of our writers: Presidents Day! Happy Presidents Day to all, even to our occasional foreign readers who are kindly asked to indulge this site’s single solitary annual moment of American Pride. Well, other than when we chant thrice “USA!” while donning our Halloween costumes, that holiday being celebrated best here – the only thing we do best and right, without dispute. Soon, Presidents Day will be alongside Halloween – but not yet. Americans too often fail to celebrate this day properly, which is why I am here to help. I must guide you and show you how. Don’t be afraid, and please – do not be disdainful. 
The holiday season is once again upon us, and for most people over the age of 20, it means two months of constant torture. Not only do you have to deal with the depression of knowing that all the “magic” that these holidays have held has long been sucked dry from companies who only want you to spend as much of your money as possible on their worthless products, but also because it seems that every fucking store on Earth somehow spontaneously gets 700 times more crowded this time of year. It doesn’t matter where you go. You could go to a meat packing facility in the middle of the desert, and it will be filled with middle-aged women running about, with 13 bags of merchandise hanging off their bodies, grabbing at raw meat and cow intestines and asking what the price is. What this means for your average loser like myself who has lost all interest whatsoever in Thanksgiving and Christmas, is that it ends up making our lives a lot more complicated and annoying than before. Even more so. And by the time Santa’s fat ass squeezes down your chimney with his latest giant bag of nothing for you, you’re ready to punch him in the balls. 
Santa Claus knows how to live. He has a wonderfully cozy home in the Land of Igloos, unlimited cookie access, and Mrs. Claus makes him a Christmas Dinner almost every night. He doesn’t really have to do any physical stuff, because he has a legion of well-paid elves to do his bidding. Unfortunately, this rich lifestyle can lead to health problems.
Once upon a time, we said to HELL with children and their costumes. This is because children typically dress as cartoon characters in store bought costumes. Or their ever-controlling parents dress them up in some cute pumpkin outfit and call it a day. Or, if we are talking about the tween children, they are dressed in somewhat more imaginative costumes, or, if they are girls, as too-revealing Slut Lite girl characters like princesses and pop stars, which makes us too uncomfortable to even look at. We promise. Children have boring, unimaginative costumes, and they are really only dressed up in order to deserve candy when they go Trick or Treating. They aren’t really trying to express themselves or seem clever. They are just all having wide-eyed experiences that they will forget in a sugar haze within a week, if not by the end of Halloween night itself. We, as adults who value this day, think poorly of these children, if we think of them at all. We want SCARY costumes – or, we want respectable hand-made offerings. Children hardly ever deliver this way. 
As a gigantic Silent Hill fan, it is with very little shame that I admit that SH cosplay and Halloween costumes are an instant hit with me. While the highly elaborate Pyramid Head costumes usually get the spotlight and make me think about putting one together till I remember it requires effort, I seem to favor the SH Nurse costumes above all. I’m not negating the fact that it might just be because it is an excuse to get a girl into a tight outfit that leaves most of her better parts exposed to the elements. Beyond that, there is an appreciation I hold for the SH nurses. After all, they are the true work-horses of the SH games. They’ve been there since the beginning, evolving over the years into even more hideous, twisted, yet at the same time oddly alluring figures. Well, I guess it isn’t so “odd” that they are alluring, since their outfits have gotten all tits out like WHOA. When it comes down to making you feel slightly disgusted by sexual arousal, it’s right up there with finding some porn of your sister and finding yourself not entirely turned off by it. I have no sister, for the record. 
