Hello again OMGJ readers — or at least whoever has stuck around during the less-than-active first half of 2012. If we’re going to keep this site open, then I’m bringing back Netflix Friday — a chance for me to write about movies without doing a 5,000 word scene-by-scene breakdown that in the past had caused me to lose my mind and light my belongings on fire.
This past monday was Memorial Day, a day where I was able to sit around my house doing absolutely nothing of value, and get paid for it. Over the long weekend, I had officially kicked off my summer in a completely Marylander fashion: going out crabbing, followed by steaming and eating crabs. I ended up taking home about 20 unpicked crabs, and so, on the monday where I was off work with nothing to do, I decided to take the plunge and watch The Human Centipede 2 while picking crabs– probably giving all of the people who have given their lives for my freedom a good reason to second guess their sacrifice.
I swore that at some point, Billy Holiday had written about the original The Human Centipede and pretty much summed up that it was the worst movie ever made, with no redeemable features. However, since the site has been redesigned, crashed, closed, re-opened, and neglected since whenever that was written, I can’t seem to find it. In the effort to be complete, I’ve got to mention that Billy was right. You’d think that a movie about a mad scientist that decides to create a 3 person “centipede” by sewing them together mouth-to-anus would be somewhat entertaining, or at least so amazingly tasteless that you’d have to see it — and you would be totally wrong, like I was.
It was, in my opinion, just gross to be gross, and other than the few moments of the graphic centipede surgery, it was actually pretty tame. It was really just a bad movie with an obscene gimmick. So, naturally, someone gave THC creator Tom Six enough money to finance a sequel, and the result is a movie that makes the original seem a lot more like an actual movie. The core concept of the movie is that bigger is better, so this time it’s not just 3 people being connected – it’s a ten person long “centipede.”
This movie is so much worse than the first, it’s like Tom Six said “you thought the first movie was bad??? WELL LOOK AT THIS!” It’s like it was made just to show you that you could, in fact, get away with filming something even more pointless than the original. See, in the original movie, while there wasn’t really a reason that this scientist was making a centipede, you could almost believe it. In the history of medical science, there are thousands of experiments that have been conducted on people just because — so what’s one more? What if, somehow, sewing a persons ass to another person’s mouth would cure AIDS? Again, this is a horrible explanation, but what I am trying to say is that somehow the first movie came across like a believable scientific thing.
The Human Centipede 2 does none of that, and instead is actually what people probably expected out of a horror film about turning people into “centipedes.” It’s 90+ minutes of watching a fat retarded guy slowly kidnap 10 people and then in a completely non-surgical fashion attach their faces to their assholes with a carpenter’s staple gun and lots of duct tape. That’s it. There’s nothing else going on, unless you count flashbacks of the retarded guy being sexually abused by his father, and I could have gone without those scenes and still gotten the exact same nothing out of it.
So, there I sat on Monday, watching a retarded guy laughing as he forces his centipeople to drink laxatives, while I myself was covered in little bits of crab guts and ripping shells apart by hand to get access to their delicious fleshy meat. I’m pretty sure that puts me on some sort of watch list. But, I figured there had to be some sort of payoff. Well… there’s a “payoff.” *Spoilers ahead!* Right when you think there is no way you’ll be shocked again by this movie — one of the captives is pregnant. Oh, and she’s about to escape, but you know this experience probably could put her into early labor. You don’t think that… yep, she gives birth to it while trying to start a car while the retarded guy (who is now enraged because of her escape) is banging on the doors and windows and screaming. And then, to put the icing on the cake– she stomps the newborn baby to death trying to get the car to start. And they show you all of it.
I can’t stress enough how awful this movie is. Thankfully, it appears that Tom Six is working on the third one as I’m writing this, so I’m sure somehow the end result will even make this movie less offensively terrible. And I’m also sure I’ll watch that one and regret it.
Author: Jeremy P
Jeremy P is a game-playing, film-watching workhorse from Baltimore. He wants to be left alone, but you can follow him on the Twitters. @DelishBoloney
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