OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Sealed With A Kiss

I am one of those people who likes to test the limits of their endurance. I call it “character building” but I am pretty sure it is just some sick form of self torture. One of the easiest ways to do this is to scramble around Netflix Instant Watch and find something that sounds perfectly horrible, and see if I can make it through to the end credits. That is how I ended watching Romeo & Juliet : Sealed with a Kiss, and how I decided to share it with all of you.

Some Background:

You all know who Shakespeare is, and if you are unfamiliar with the story of Romeo and Juliet you must have slept through high school and any and all of the years following since the story is rehashed time and time again in any media form possible. It is bloody,dramatic, filled with sexual innuendo and miscommunication. Sadly, this version has none of that, but what it does have is that the whole cast replaced by SEALS. Yes, the SEALED part of the title was also a clever pun! Ho ho! We are off to a good start!

Before I started I checked some of the user reviews:

“The most amazing part about this movie is that is was essentially made by one guy, his PC tablet and Adobe Flash. AND THAT’S IT. This movie also shamelessly rips off parts of “West Side Story,” “Swingers,” “Titanic,” “Aladdin,” “The Little Mermaid,” and “Terminator 2.” It was not very funny or fun and my kid definitely cried during the flick. Worst. Movie. Ever.”

“A very poor rendition of Romeo and Juliet. This movie was not appropriate for my 4 year old daughter- she was frightened many times throughout the movie.”

Normally this would turn people away from watching a film, but the idea of a movie made specifically for children that made them weep only strengthened my resolve and kind of genuinely interested me. So I sat back, let my cat up in my lap, and opened the movie not quite ready for what I was about to see.

Brain Cells Remaining: 100%

You are treated to some semi decent if not blocky animation as the film opens to reveal some sort of island where white seals live on one side of a tiny mountain and brown seals live on the other. While the narrator who is clearly someone’s father trying to sound important is booming the background story you can’t help but wonder if this movie is going to be a racial commentary as well as a giant failure of a children’s film. Really? Brown and white seals seal divided by color?

We meet our poorly drawn secondary characters in an all out brawl with yapping and yelping seals running back and forth having some sort of a gang war. Mercutio was always my favorite character in Romeo and Juliet so being treated to his bastard seal version making sporadic quotes from Hamlet was distressing to say the least. This terrible terrible conflict where no one is even harmed is stopped by a gigantic elephant seal flopping out of the water and telling them all to shut the fuck up he is trying to sleep and if they wake him up again they are getting sent to “Shark Island.” This is apparently a pretty frightening prospect so they all go back to their original side of the tiny divide and congratulate themselves. It is then we finally get to see our lead, the young brown seal Romeo.

Brain Cells Remaining: 92%

Apparently Romeo has spent the entire duration of the fight feeling sorry for himself atop an overhang.Why you might ask? Well his friends do ask and he replies. Oh yes, he replies. IN TALK SINGING. The best part of this particular sequence is that the lyrics are horribly inappropriate for ANYONE who doesn’t post on teengoth message boards, least of all small children.

Actual lyrics!

“Come on guys. I’m a nobody, and nobody will love me.

I’m so lonely, and I need a somebody.”

Mercutio and Benvolio cheer him up by singing and dressing in drag while telling him about this party he heard the Capulets were having where there is sure to be loads and loads of hot bitches just waiting to hop on that hot seal dong of his. (That is not the actual wording but good lord it is closer than it should be.) They decide to give it a try and Mercutio delivers a line that damn near killed me: PARTYING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW.

Brain Cells remaining: 81%

Mercutio reveals his big plan for sneaking in to the party to score those hot hot seal bitches: rolling around in some dust until he looks like a white seal. Romeo isn’t really convinced this will work and gets worried about the elephant seal prince finding out punishing them but speak of the devil! The prince joins the party, taking an immediate liking to Juliet and begins to compliment her in a slow-witted slur while flinging her around on the dance floor. Romeo decides after catching an eyeful of Juliet in her distress that he does want to join the party after all. While the prince is trying to ask Juliet’s father for her hand in marriage Romeo dives in and romances her. Ah the sweet purity of runty seal love. Does it get better than that? Oh yes. Mercutio grabs the mic from the band and sings a slow horrible talk-sing love song until the prince flips his shit and chases them out of the party. Their white coating is lost and they are REVEALED.

Brain Cells Remaining: 67%

Here we find Juliet atop the tiny divide between the two seal colonies back-lit by the moon. She is clearly troubled in her little seal heart. This is apparently their version of the infamous balcony scene in which Juliet unknowingly admits her indifference to familial ties in the face of a possible true love to an eavesdropping and kind of creepy Romeo below. She starts declaring her love to the high heavens but then… wait what?

Listen, movie about seals. I understand what you are going for here but having your seal Juliet say, “It is only his COLOR that is my enemy. What’s in a COLOR?” instead of saying, “it is only his name that is my enemy. What’s in a name,” really makes this feel like you are making some sort of low-budget racial commentary through a creepy seal narrative. Especially when you follow that with, “If only you could change your color, then you could take me and I would be yours forever,” while she seal masturbates all over the ground.

Another talk-sing love song happens. This time while they are apparently floating in space. I really really hate the things I do to myself.

Brain Cells Remaining: 45%

Romeo bashfully asks this girl he met mere hours before at a party he crashed to marry him. She of course says yes (TRU LUV). They arrange a meeting for the next day to elope right before Juliet’s father reminds her she is going to be married to the prince the next day. There we leave her in her misery as we follow Romeo to the Friar’s abode.

The friar is apparently some sort of witch doctor sea otter and none to happy with the prospect of the two of them getting married. However, he eventually submits after checking his voodoo magic tub to make sure everything will be okay and finding the smoke spirits approve.

Juliet shows up soon after and you are treated to a disgusting display of affection that goes on far too long. Kind of like hearing two people who are having a phone conversation talking in cutesy voices and arguing over who loves who more. The otter has heard enough of this shit and forces them to move forward and just get married already.

Brain cells remaining: 21%

Romeo and Juliet are out and about having the best time of their newly-married lives. They parody the Titanic movie then the lights come on in the ship and they end up crashing some fish party where every single sea creature in the room is mortified and disgusted at the two of them being together. They flee the scene while being attacked unmercifully by fish who care way too much about what is going on with seals.

The prince finds out about their elopement and is in a rage. He hunts down Romeo with murderous intent. Mercutio takes the fall by using his insult comic skills to draw his attention and rage upon himself. This gets Mercutio killed and Romeo banished to Shark Island. Three awful song sequences later we are at the wedding preparations for the prince and Juliet’s wedding.

The Friar comes carrying her in her state of apparent death and announces to the crowd she is deceased. The Prince’s reply? “Oh women. It’s always something,” followed by an angry stomp off into the ocean.

The rest of the story you know well. Romeo thinks Juliet is really dead and grieves. In this version he gives her a kiss and gets a bit of the poison, making him also pass out in a state of faux death. Everybody weeps, seal differences so old they had been forgotten are resolved, and Mercutio the seal comes surfing in on a wave to announce, “This party looks dead” (I can’t make this shit up) and tells Romeo and Juliet to wake up. They do. Everyone dances together and lives happily ever after.

THE END.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do some drooling in the corner.

Brain Cells Remaining: 0%