OMGJeremy

Game Review: Intense Games

In what has to be one of the strangest requests ever, I was contacted a few weeks ago by Frivolous Entertainment to review their new DVD party game entitled Intense Games DVD. This is one of those DVD party games that you might see in your local adult gift store where you might find various juvenile challenges to play with your drunken college friends some night. Things like “Do a blowjob on a cucumber” or “Take a dump on the hood of someone’s car” etc. Generally wholesome games that any fratboy or girl would enjoy playing after downing dangerous amounts of liquor. And let’s be honest, most college kids do that kind of stuff without any alcohol at all these days pretty often. This game however, takes things much, much further than what you may be used to seeing in your typical party game.

Welcome to (mostly) the most regretful thing you'll do all year

First and foremost, Intense games is pretty much made for swingers, or people who have absolutely no qualms with letting their significant other have sex with their other swinger friends. Now, I myself am not a swinger. I don’t think I even qualify for that lifestyle as I can be a goddamn jealous bastard with my girlfriend. If anyone even so much as gives a passing glance at my girlfriend I will usually have a loud, embarrassing, verbal confrontation with them and end up single afterwards. I can’t imagine letting someone bork her for 20 points for a party game. So we should probably say this game was not made for my particular lifestyle (at the moment at least). This will not stop me from reviewing this game though, as I feel that since I have been asked to do this, and agreed, then I should at least put my best foot forward. It’s just that I’ll have to be a little imaginative with the people I’ll have to make up in my head to play this game with me.

Getting to Know the Swinger Lifestyle

According to Wikipedia, the official definition of a swinger is as follows:

“Swinging, sometimes referred to in North America as the swinging lifestyle or simply the lifestyle (although this simplified term is also used by people into Leather and BDSM), includes a wide range of sexual activities conducted between three or more people. Swinging activities can include watching others have sex; having sex with your partner while being watched; kissing, stroking, or having oral sex with a third or fourth person (called soft swinging); or having penetrative sex with someone “

While I was reviewing this game, I actually did a ton of research in asking educated people questions that could further enlighten me on the swinger lifestyle. Such as, but not limited to:

• Is this for real?
• Holy shit

Welcome to swinger town

I have known of swingers before, and I admit that for the longest time I confused them with people who liked ska music. You know, like a bunch of people dressed in Fifties clothes doing sock hops and shit. That was my idea of the swinger crowd. Thankfully before I ever mistakenly participated in swinger activities, I found out what that whole deal is about, and then I was pretty thankful I didn’t make the terrible mistake of showing up at a swinger party with my finest zoot suit and a head covered in toxic amounts of hair gel. That would have probably been awkward at some point.

Swingers are very real though, and the swinger subculture is mostly a European thing, but seems to also have an underground following here in the US as well. And when I say it’s mostly a European thing, I am only going by the far greater amount of European swinger porn sites that I came across while “researching” as opposed to American swinger sites. There was at no point during this research did it seem that I wasn’t assaulted with swinger sites telling me “After schlagend swinger” and “Slut svelger åtte penis” which I really hope means the exact opposite of what I think those mean. From my findings, Europe seems to be at the forefront of multiple sex partner lifestyle once again.

However, us feisty Americans seem to be the first ever to actually make a game specifically for swinger couples to participate in, so let’s see if we can take a little national pride out of this endeavor if nothing else.

Getting Started

The game itself starts off with several notices about how to reduce the chances that you may contract an STD while playing the game, which is always a good sign that you’re about to do something totally safe and fun for the whole family. This includes using condoms of course, and also using some sort of plastic paper as a barrier when vag-to-mouth contact rears its ugly head. Personally the idea of having to lick some stranger’s vag with a thin layer of plastiwrap coating that monstrosity would only result in a not so thin layer of vomit soon after, but that’s just me. You should also probably wash and use condoms on those sex toys as well, because you can never be too sure where those have ended up before. Once you’re successfully secured in your biohazard suit, it’s time to decide if you want to turn on your bisexual switch or not.

If only it were this easy in real life

The female bisexual switch is an extra option for those swinger couples who think traditional sex with multiple partners is simply too blase for their taste, and need the extra facet of bisexuality thrown into this diseased stew of things. What this switch does, is simply add in extra sets of questions that involve bisexual challenges, and the fun that comes along with all that. Personally I’d be all for it as long as some decent looking lesbians were down for it, and no other men, but again, that’s just me. And we all know by now that there’s no such thing as hot lesbians, and I’d probably end up having to kiss the guy that just got finished with the vag plastiwrap, so it looks like i’ll be leaving my bisexual switch off for now.

Once you’re ready to move into the actual game itself, you’ll be presented with four different sets of cards. Each set is basically a step up from the last in terms of just how sexual the challenges will be. The first set of cards are pretty much the same stuff you probably played with your friends in a High School truth or dare game. Nothing too hard to really get into. From there on it escalates from things like “get a titty massage until the next round” and on up into the final card set which I assume will have you sticking a penis in your ear while trying to line dance nude with the rest of the group.

If you think you can handle these types of challenges and not blink away your dignity while doing so, then by God I think it’s time to play this mamma-jamma.

Playing the Game

Now, let’s get onto actually playing the game. As I’ve said before, I have no one willing to play this game with me. I asked several people, including a highly volatile Amanda:

Me: Amanda would you want to play this sex game with me?

Amanda: i just drew back my hand to slap you

I asked a few other people, and after being threatened with a restraining order it was obvious that I was going to be playing Intense games by myself this time.

Once again, the game itself is set up into four categories of cards. Each section of cards represents varying “sauciness” in the challenges themselves. They also represent higher point values, so the lowest set of cards will only yield a pussy-assed amount of points for your pussy-assed attempt at being a swinger. These cards are basically nothing more than a set of Truth or Dare questions you probably played back in High School like I said, or if we’re going by present day sexual standards, second grade. Things like “Demonstrate your favorite sexual position” and so on. Nothing too amazing, and that will be represented when you get a shoddy one point handed your way, along with the stares of shame accompanying them by your swinger friends looking down in pity and shame at you. A shame that doesn’t go away even with the coldest of showers.

Pretty tame here. Hell, most of us do this on a daily basis.

Higher point values are applied to the rest of the card sets, but require a certain amount of points before you can even access them in a game, so you’ll have to work for your horrible, horrible sex game fun, which you will get in spades with the higher card sets. Some of which don’t even seem possible to me in the realm of reality that we live in. Like I expected any moment to see a card telling me to bungee jump into the room and circumcise a male partner using only my teeth while massaging everyone’s boobs with my feet. And to be honest, I really can’t tell you that challenge is NOT in one of those card sets. My general feeling of “laugh nervously” was the prevailing emotion while looking through these cards, but who am I to stand in the way of human sexual progress?

Well I guess that's sorta kinky, but still within reason

The game goes on until one group gains enough points and life-scarring sexual encounters to win the game, at which point the game rewards you with, yes, more sex. These would be the “end game” activities, which I have only heard of in legend since I never made it far enough to win. I can really only imagine what these challenges could be, but the site for the game promises them to be “under covers” so I can only imagine that to mean “Under covers on top of your house while rimming your Dad as the rest of your friends feed you semen.” It may be something less than that, but I think I’ll save myself the terror of actually seeing them myself.

Getting to the end of the game though will be no easy chore, as depending on how many people are playing an entire game could take a decent amount of time. So if you’re serious about playing you should probably get ready for a marathon of these challenges going on into the night. I think I speak for many a man when I say that I doubt I would be able to make it past two rounds of these games without either passing out from pure exhaustion, or having to go into hiding for several months from participating in the previous challenge.

um... pass

Think You’re Not Cut Out to be A Swinger? Q & A Time

So you can see what you’re in store for with a round of Intense Games. Maybe you’re thinking that perhaps, just maybe, this game isn’t quite up your alley. You just don’t think you can handle what’s involved with a swinger lifestyle. That’s okay, you’re not alone, but just in case, we’ve provided some of the questions and answers, so that we could possibly help in identifying what problems you may have while playing the game:

Q: This is insane, how could I do something like this and not live in regret for the rest of my life?

A: It’s obvious you do not share the same attitude that swingers have. The swinger attitude is that sex is a pleasure that should be enjoyed and shared with EVERYONE. It is a sort of spiritually releasing thing, and such feelings as jealousy and loss of dignity are looked down upon and are not even considered by swingers. In short, you are a failure.

Q: But can’t this lifestyle be called a sort of modern day poor man’s version of the ancient Druids and other such cultures?

A: Possibly, but you are missing the main point of the swinger culture, which, if I have done my research properly, seems to be the ability to gain 15 points for succesfully locating your best friend’s wife’s vulva while blindfolded and covered in whipped cream.

Q: Well shit. 15 points AND whipped cream eh? Man, I was totally wrong about swingers! Sign me up!

A: Congratulations. Welcome to your new life. Here is some plastiwrap.

Coping With What You’ve Just Done

So you’ve just got done playing a game on a whim, you’re probably covered in enough sexual filth to be treated as a biochemical hazard, and several of the challenges possibly just destroyed any future chance of living a completely normal life without having occasional screaming fits from flashbacks of the horrible deeds you just did. The sight of plastiwrap in the future will cause uncontrollable weeping in an empty bathtub for hours. If this is the case, then congratulations, you have just experienced the pinnacle of swinger entertainment, and don’t forget that Intense Games was the device that allowed you this new lifestyle of yours.

"What have I done..."

But for the real swingers out there, Intense Games has supplied a game that will most likely propel them into the heights of multiple partner sex in ways they could have probably only done before with copious amounts of LSD. With Intense games though, there’s no need to blame your horrific sexual adventures on mind-altering drugs anymore, since this DVD takes care of any and all reasoning behind even the most absurd of sexual innuendo with multiple partners.

Intense games has also gone one better and put out a very well made DVD game that has obviously had some thought put into when it could have easily just been a terrible monstrosity of a disc. The production values are well done, and every challenge is read by a girl that has a nice enough voice. In all, if you were passing by someone playing this game and didn’t notice everyone having sex with each other, you’d think it looked like a pleasant game you may even want to play with your family, just going by production values alone. Though if you ever did play it with your family, I would hope your brain had melted into a stew of toxic chemicals by then.

In the end though, I’m left sitting here with a game that, while it may never produce the desired effect with me, is something I can easily throw into the DVD player when unwanted friends come over. I would sum the entire experience up in a nutshell, but I think Intense games sums itself up well enough in the end:

I couldn't have said it better myself.

You can check out Intense Games for yourself right HERE.