OMGJeremy

A New Year, Same Old Failure

A new year is rolling around, and of course you know what that means.  Besides the fact that old people are going to take twice as long in line writing checks because they’ll put down the wrong year.  It means that most of you will have those stupid-assed “New Years Resolutions” going on.  In case you have been living under a rock or don’t have any fat relatives, a new years resolution is something a person vows to do starting at the beginning of the new year.  MOST OF THE TIME this involves losing weight, getting in shape, etc.  Because for some odd reason it just isn’t that appealing during the summer to start losing weight so your diabetes doesn’t take your other foot.  

If you are making a resolution this year, chances are this isn’t your first time doing so.  It’s also pretty likely that you are making the same resolution from last year.  That’s because you failed.  No, it’s not because you ended up busy with work, or family, or that you were sick.  It is because you made a promise to yourself and you failed to follow through.  You should be ashamed, but chances are you don’t even know the meaning of the word shame.  I’ve been out to enough malls and seen enough of the general public to know that “shame” does not exist.

So yeah, you failed before and you are gonna fail again.  You might be sitting there right now with the pride you’ve been able to piece together from the few shreds remaining, telling me that there is “No gosh darn way” you will fail.  I applaud you for being so sure of yourself, but I’m also pleased to hear that because it just means your fall will be even harder.  I know you have your excuses.  Chances are you’ve already memorized them so that mid-year in 2011 when someone asks why you seem to actually be gaining weight you can go down the line of reasons that conveniently take all of the blame off of you and put it on other people and situations.  But I know the real reasons for your failure.  I know the real reasons why you will not succeed with your resolutions.

I’ve got your fat fucking number.

Reason 1:  YOU ARE LAZY

No need to beat around the bush here, let’s get down to the most obvious reason.  When you make a promise to do something that involves a measure of hard work, you are more than likely setting yourself up for doom because of this first reason.  Look back at that sentence, right now.  About halfway through, you will notice the words “hard work.”  You are probably finding yourself in a sweat right now.  A sweat usually reserved for vigorous exercising or summer-time sex that was so spontaneous that you didn’t have a chance to turn the fan on… and even though you look over a few times while in mid-thrust thinking of switching it on, you pass for fear of having to hear some bitching.

You want to reach that goal, but you have absolutely no desire to put in the work that is necessary for achieving it.  More than likely you’ll never acknowledge your laziness, and you are destined to failure every single year.  Now, if only you could harness the energy you put into avoiding responsibilities and transfer it over to something productive.  There would be no stopping you.

The cats don't care because they tore open a bag of kibble.

Reason 2:  YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF TIME

So you aren’t quite the kind of person who falls in to Reason 1, but you are close.  While you do put forth the initial effort to get started on your goal, you quickly stop after a short period of time.  You might make it a couple of weeks, or a few days, or maybe a whole month, but you WILL stop what you are doing and revert back to your usual lifestyle of hitting the bottle the moment you get home from work.  That nagging wife and disappointing children don’t look so bad when your brain is as blurry as your vision.

Why do you quit after awhile?  Simply because you have no concept of time and how long it takes for things to take place.  Do you really think you are going to lose 50 pounds in two weeks?  Do you really think you are going to lose 10 pounds in two weeks?  Normally you get excited and encouraged in the first week because you drop several pounds.

IF YOU ARE FAT AS SHIT AND YOU LOSE SEVERAL POUNDS IN A WEEK, THIS IS NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!

Now shove your hollow joy in our faces until you rollercoaster back up and beyond.

You’re losing weight rapidly because you have so goddamn much weight to lose.  It’s no big deal, and no we don’t want to hear about it.  The real test is in a week when all of a sudden you stop losing, and reality sinks in… this will not be a cake-walk.  Not that your fat ass needs to be part of a cake-walk.  When all of a sudden the weight stops dropping, the previously enthused and superior-feeling (because as soon as a fat person starts losing weight they automatically somehow become better than everyone around them) turn to absolute shit.  Bold claims of “this diet just isn’t working” are usually heard echoing, with the person saying it probably hoping that nobody remembers being told just how well the diet was working the week before.

It ain’t easy, and it ain’t gonna happen overnight.  Just because you put on 200 pounds in a year, doesn’t mean it’s gonna melt off in that time.

Reason 3:  YOU’RE A BORN FAILURE

Kill yourself.

Reason 4:  YOU SECRETLY WANT TO DIE

First of all, you should be taking the advice I offered for Reason 3.  This type of person is usually only forming their resolution around what they think their family and friends want to hear.  While they may claim it is coming from a health standpoint (whether it be losing weight, no longer smoking, etc.), it is just simply because they are tired of hearing their significant other bitch at them for not being the person they married.

To sidetrack a little, I’ve got a tip for people who claim that.  Before you trash your partner for not being “the person you married,” make sure you have a real good look in a nearby reflective surface.  No, your husband didn’t used to look like a fatter version of Dan Aykroyd, but your tits didn’t used to rest on your shoestrings either.

It's never supposed to turn out this way.

Your family wants you to get better, but deep down you don’t want that for yourself.  You go to your doctors appointments and listen to him ramble on and on about your various problems.  You know the risk every time you take that smoke, or eat that bucket of chicken.  You tell the doctor you want to get better, you tell your family you want to live a long life with them… but you know better than that.  You’ve adopted the way of thinking that most people in your position probably should.  You just want it to be over.  Of course you’re too gutless to do it yourself, and instead of a fast and painless death you think it wiser to experience a slow, painful death that will be a gigantic burden on those who care about you.

Granted that nobody probably really gives a shit about you, but lord just consider the hospital bills you’re gonna put off on people.  Take a break from being a hambeast for once and be a decent human.

If I Am One of the Above, Is There Hope?

No.

What If I Change and Start Trying Real Hard?

You won’t.

So… What Do I Do?

See Reason 3.

God dammit.