OMGJeremy

My Christmas List

It’s Christmastime again, and that can only mean one thing for most of us: Mind-numbing depression. Yes, the Holiday season is never kind to those of us who have absolutely nothing to look forward to during the Holidays. While most people are off having a great time with their families and loved ones, the rest of us stare in horrible contempt at the happy people as we sit in our little shack with a loaded shotgun to use on any unsuspecting lifeforms that may venture onto our property. So why are we like this? Could it be horrible childhood trauma? Possibly. Or what about the general anxiety and total discomfort of being around other human beings? Could have something to do with it. But really, what it all comes down to is this: We already know that we’re not gonna get one damn present from anyone this year. Either because we’re too old to get presents now (a worthless excuse used by older family members so they don’t have to spend money on you), or your family has long forgotten about you and would sooner spit on you than buy you a gift, let alone wrap it in festive Holiday gift wrap.

I unfortunately fall into the above category. I no longer receive presents for Christmas because I’m an “adult.” Which to most people means that I no longer qualify to have things bought for me. But yet I must spend ridiculous amounts of money on other, younger, people in my family. This is the biggest gyp of all time. But unfortunately if you don’t buy those kids something, then the rest of your family would probably disown you. And let’s not even mention that the kid would probably hate you for life. I know I would, and by god I still would if I could get away with it at the ripe old age of .. oh god let’s not speak of age at a time like this.

So we’ve got a conundrum here: I want gifts, but no one will get me any. But then I remembered, “HEY, I run a website visited by thousands of people a day! Surely THEY love me enough to buy me ridiculous things!” So now, I’m going to reach out to you, the reader, in hopes that you can make my Christmas much happier. I’m doing this like the day before Christmas; I will happily accept belated presents. This gives you more than enough time, even for the lazier of you who get winded from putting on a pair of pants. So let’s get with the list of booty!

A Forty-Foot Tall Spoiler For My Car

Amanda has no knowledge of cars or car things. Bless her little heart for trying.

It’s obvious I am lacking coolness in some way, and after observing the local teen kids who have tricked out their Escorts and Cavaliers with low-rider suspension and enough aerodynamics to make the White House take a sharp corner with ease, I now know what I’m missing: A giant motherfucking spoiler. It’s all the rage it seems, and will never ever cease to be. The bigger the better, too.

Honestly though, I’m not sure how it would affect my driving, since I’m not known to push my Ford Taurus to the extremes that most GT Cars are pushed. Perhaps I could finally make that turn in the Wendys drive-thru a bit more easily with my spoiler. Or maybe my parking skills will benefit when I’m able to just fly my car into a spot after I hit 15 mph on the road and go airborne. Either way, the coolness would be there, and I would no longer have to worry about those pesky downdrafts.

A Zombie

Which one is Jeremy??

I’ve been needing one of these for a while now. Ever since I watched that horrible piece of shit movie Day of the Dead and witnessed the character Bub (For the lucky who haven’t seen Day of the Dead, Bub is the highly comedic zombie that the evil scientist “trains” during the movie) and saw what was possible with a zombie, I’ve wanted one for myself. I could easily keep him in that one room in my basement where all the rusted pipes are, occasionally feeding him leftover ramen. He may not be too keen on a diet consisting solely of noodles, but neither was I at first either. Soon we would become best friends, and I could show him off to all my potential girlfriends before I “accidentally” feed them to him. Soon it would evolve into one of those “BEST FRIENDS 4EVER” relationships, finally filling the giant void that I had in my life before. Think of him as like a My Little Buddy doll, just not as scary.

A Motocross Bike

Vrooom!

I’ve wanted one of these since I was a kid. Knowing full well that I would most likely die within minutes of actually riding on one, it never stopped my eagerness to own one. I have an iffy record with open-wheeled vehicles at best. Like the one time when I was eight and my cousin let me try out his four-wheeler. Unfortunately, being young and naive, I lacked the knowledge that I probably shouldn’t throttle the gas, which I quickly found was the equivalent of flooring a modified dragster. Except that I wasn’t safely encased inside tons of metal roll bar, and instead was strapped onto a foam pad with a velcro buckle, holding on for dear life. It was mostly my fault that I didn’t come to a stop for nearly two minutes, because my brain couldn’t quite grasp the fact that I should let go of the throttle. Instead it was mostly seemed focused on not vibrating out of my skull. So yeah, a motocross bike would be a great gift for me.

A Camel

A racing camel: Every Indianian Boy's Dream.

Nothing says “I am superior to you, faggot” like rolling down the sidewalk on your very own camel. Personally, I’ve always wanted a camel. I don’t know why really. They’re about the ugliest goddamn things you’ll ever see, and I’m told they slobber a lot, but so what? It’s a fucking camel. It just seems like it would be amazingly cool to travel around on something that most likely smells worse than a pile of rotting corpses.

A Base on the Moon

No one is allowed to ever visit.

This one may be a bit hard to obtain, but the coolness factor would more than assure you a load of brownie points should you secure the rights to build me a giant base on the moon. I don’t have many requirements for it, other than it has to have some type of trap door in it somewhere, and should resemble Castle Greyskull to some extent. It should also be staffed with robots, and possibly some sort of space launch pad so that I can get to and from the moon with ease.

A Panzer Tank

Awww bitches!

Being the giant World War 2 buff that I apparently am, there is simply no cooler thing to complete my collection of WWII memorabilia (which mostly just consists of a copy of the computer game Battlefield 1942 and a miniature Hot Wheels tank with a giant hemi engine sticking out of it) like an authentic Panzer tank from the German army. If any of you have any knowledge at all of World War II, then you’ve probably heard just how much ass this tank could blow apart. I’m not exactly sure what I’d do with it. Possibly sit it in my front yard and occasionally aim the turret in the direction of random houses, pointing out which neighbor is on my shit list. Take my parking space one more time, and there won’t be a goddamn street to park on.

A Sea Monster

I would like you to meet Millie, she is my favorite sea monster pet friend!

You can pretty much go out into any large body of water and find a sea monster these days. They’re everywhere. The larger the better. I would primarily have to keep it in my basement though, but I’m sure it won’t mind since my basement floods above sea level with even the slightest of storms. I’m really not sure what I’d do with it though. Probably use it for bragging rights more than anything. It would most likely end up like everything else in my basement, and after a few months I would forget it’s even there, leaving it to live a long and lonely life with all of my old board games and the remains of the rancid clothes I wore in elementary school.

A Pirate Ship

Hella tight ship, bro. Mega-sweet. Utterly pimped up.

There is just no finer or classier way to travel than in my very own pirate ship. Granted, the only thing close to water in this state is the overflowing sewage in the streets, but it would still impress the pants off anyone. It’s already well built for the massive amounts of gang warfare in this city. Think your homies got the edge with a mag and a few hot blocks out their benz? Well, they won’t think that for long when the first 100 pound cannonball comes through their windshield at 200 mph. Then, wave after wave of flaming arrows and marauding strongmen with no shirts would surely make them realize who’s in charge of this block.

And so that should just about do it. That’s more than enough to keep you all busy this Holiday season. Some people may say that my list isn’t very realistic, and that most of the items on there don’t even exist and are  impossible to find or do. But to that I say bah. They told that one guy who invented the light bulb the same thing, and look what he accomplished! So there’s really no excuse. Get out there and start looking.

I’ll be expecting my packages soon.