Sledding, and the Act Thereof
There’s this thing called sledding that people sometimes do when it gets cold enough to freeze your dog solid and a few inches of snow happens to be covering the ground. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. I’m sure many of you have even participated in it at some point in your life. Nothing beats memories of your parents dragging you to a large hill when you’re barely old enough to walk, and then pushing you off of it on a small plastic board at fantastic speeds. It’s where every good childhood scar starts. I, personally, haven’t really gone sledding much in my life. And the only reason I’d consider going now is to simply try and hurt myself and the other people I’m with as much as humanly possible. Which is exactly the mindset I was in the other day when Super Friend Ronnie asked me if I felt like dying. I replied with a swift “God yes” and the deal was done. (more…)
When site-owner and slave-driver Jeremy informed me that I would be reviewing a movie for the site, I could find myself doing nothing but groaning and looking for my mightiest length of rope. I’m a movie-lover, but I just always find reviewing films to be difficult. The main reason I find it difficult is because I find that after a movie concludes, I just can’t really remember shit about it. Is this a statement on my gradually declining memory as I begin to near death? No. It’s a statement on just how goddamn bland and unmemorable most movies nowadays are. So for all I knew I had yet another B-grade shitfest to view. I’d watch it, maybe enjoy one or two scenes, and then sit down to write and instantly forget every bit of it. That’s not really the case this time though. Fortunately, Old Man Gregory introduced me to a real gem of a film. 
The holiday season is once again upon us, and for most people over the age of 20, it means two months of constant torture. Not only do you have to deal with the depression of knowing that all the “magic” that these holidays have held has long been sucked dry from companies who only want you to spend as much of your money as possible on their worthless products, but also because it seems that every fucking store on Earth somehow spontaneously gets 700 times more crowded this time of year. It doesn’t matter where you go. You could go to a meat packing facility in the middle of the desert, and it will be filled with middle-aged women running about, with 13 bags of merchandise hanging off their bodies, grabbing at raw meat and cow intestines and asking what the price is. What this means for your average loser like myself who has lost all interest whatsoever in Thanksgiving and Christmas, is that it ends up making our lives a lot more complicated and annoying than before. Even more so. And by the time Santa’s fat ass squeezes down your chimney with his latest giant bag of nothing for you, you’re ready to punch him in the balls. 
Kieron started talking to me all hell of uppity one evening. This is exactly the beginning of that long and confusing conversation, and you see how much ground was covered. So belligerent even from so far away. I could only stare in amusement and wonder and defend my state whenever I could. 
Santa Claus knows how to live. He has a wonderfully cozy home in the Land of Igloos, unlimited cookie access, and Mrs. Claus makes him a Christmas Dinner almost every night. He doesn’t really have to do any physical stuff, because he has a legion of well-paid elves to do his bidding. Unfortunately, this rich lifestyle can lead to health problems.
. Now, let’s begin.
