OMGJeremy

Halloween Costumes Of The Past: Shame And Terror Exposed

This month we’ve shown you some terrible Halloween costumes, and now I think it’s time that we put our money where our mouth is. Sure, we can stand around and point and make fun of other costumes, but can we back up our poorly written shit talk? What sort of costumes would we wear? What have we ever done in the field of Halloween-costume-makery? Why would I just make up a terrible phrase like that instead of just making the sentence grammatically correct? Well, here’s your chance to see what we’ve done in years past—the OMGJeremy Halloween costume parade of yesteryears.

Hank Von Helvete (Jeremy P)

I'm on the right, if you couldn't tell. I can understand if you couldn't.

You heard of the band Turbonegro? They’re one of my favorite bands of all time—sort of a theatrical punk/hard rock band from Norway. Their best album is probably the best album of the 90’s “Apocalypse Dudes”, and this is a costume of their singer, Hank von Helvete, during that album and tour. It’s a pretty good likeness, especially because his body shape and mine are so close, probably because we both ate junk food and drank heavily for our 20s.

Cost : $15. Wig was $10, and the hat was $5. Black eye makeup was my girlfriend’s, and I wore jeans and a jean jacket that I found in our closet. The rest was just all-natural Jeremy P.

Pros : The people that knew who I was supposed to be were impressed…

Cons : … which was like 3 people. Everyone else thought I was “Fat Alice Cooper” and one guy thought I was King Diamond. This is the problem with dressing up as a small-label rock icon. Maybe it would have worked better in Norway.

A Lady Mime (Amanda)

I'm not going to say anything in this caption because I'm a mime

From age eight until about twenty-five, I was not a big fan of dressing up for Halloween. It just did not grab me, probably because I was an over-serious, dour, joyless jerk. However, in 2005 or 2006, I was talked into going to a party. Like, I was not going to go at all, but that afternoon, about two hours before the party, I was finally convinced that I should go. But what to wear?? I needed something fast, cheap, and easy. Of course I automatically thought of mimes. I had the face paint, for reasons unknown, and I had this minidress that was black and white and seemed potentially suitable for a lady mime. I didn’t have any gloves or a beret, however, so I probably just looked like an impractical mime-burglar or something.

Cost: Free.

Pros: This is the Halloween that I learned that there is a sense of delicious power when you are on the other side of the greasepaint. My friends treated me like I was a scary clown and it felt good.

Cons: It might have been the birth of my inner serial killer.

The Holy-weeners (Jeremy P)

Getting closer and closer to every day apparel

First off, this was a couples costume. I normally despise this idea, but this one actually worked out well. The idea here is that we were born again Christians, and we handed out “Halloween is satanic” flyers to everyone at the party we were at. This costume came about because those amazing Christmas sweaters were $2 each at a thrift shop near us, and then we added in the Christmas hats which were $1 at some Dollar Tree or something. I need to point out that there were hundreds of these style sweaters, sweaters so bad even Bill Cosby won’t wear them. That is not a very current reference, but it’s accurate. I’ve never seen anyone actually wearing them, so I can’t figure out exactly where they came from. Either way, someone else’s grandma just gave me a good, cheap Halloween costume.

Cost : $3. $2 for the sweater, $1 for the hat, optional wigs were free from someone else’s old wig collection. (I have weird friends.)

Pros : Nobody else would think of it, so it was unique. Also, I look absolutely bizarre with hair, I haven’t had actual hair since I was like 17.

Cons : The sweaters itched like a motherfucker, I was afraid I just got some sort of awesome body lice. Remember to always wash your thrift store purchase. Also it was like 90 degrees that Halloween and they are heavier than you’d think.

Plague Doctor (Amanda)

I've got just the cure for those lesions...TERROR

Plague Doctors were around during the Black Plague era, in the 1600s or so, I guess. They were creatures that preyed on the sick and dying, and their families. When no one else was around to tend to anyone, because real doctors had fled for their lives, there were these things. They dressed from head to toe in leather, their leather mask was stuffed with herbs to ward off disease, they had red glass lenses in the eye goggles to filter out Evil, their thick and heavy cloaks and gloves were covered in wax so that body fluids and such could be more easily rinsed away at the end of the day. And they charged a LOT for their services which generally did nothing to help or sped up the process of dying.

I researched Plague Doctors so much for this costume, but I am not a nut so I didn’t make it completely accurate. I couldn’t see very well any way, so I didn’t think I needed to add glass lenses of any color. The mask was not made of leather, it was made of cereal boxes, masking tape, glue, and fabric. I even had a flap built in so that I could more easily speak or eat or drink if I wanted. I didn’t want to work in leather, so I just bought a leatherish looking fabric from a fabric store, also I did not have leather gloves that went past my elbows, nor leather boots that went past my knees, and I did not wear leather doctoring breeches. My cloak was a shoddily altered set of black curtains I happened to find in a thrift store, and my hood was part of that as well. It wasn’t long enough, so I just wore a black skirt. My shoes were hideous and red, also from the thrift store, but I used shoe blackener to make them black.. only it didn’t really work but it made them seem a little blood-stained. I did have a stick with which to poke people, and my hat was a little too small, but it was a child’s “scary hat” covered in poster board and felt. I thought there was a possibility that I might like to go without my mask occasionally, as it was very very warm and hard to communicate through, so I made sure to put some sores around my mouth, darken my eyes, and look like I was probably coming down with the Plague because my doctor clothes were insufficient and of poor quality.

Cost: The leathery fabric was $12/yard, the hat was $3, the curtains were $2 from a thrift store, the dowel rod was less than $1, the shoes I obtained were $2, posterboard was some cents, the felt was under a dollar.. I think that’s all I actually spent on it. Still way more than I would normally care to spend.

Pros: It was a cold Halloween, so when I was outside, I was nice and warm.

Cons: Lord was that ever a hot costume. It was also difficult to see out of or communicate with anyone with my mask on. I have no regrets.

Fatty Krueger (Garbage Pail Kid edition) (Jeremy P)

mmmm....Halloween shame

This is my pride and joy of Halloween costumes. I had no idea what I was going to be until right before Halloween, when I wore that unfortunate striped sweater out with my friends. Since I am a dick, most of my friends are dicks, and immediately upon arrival I was subjected to ridicule because it was a little bit too tight, and just a tad too small. Someone yelled out “What are you supposed to be, Freddy Krueger’s fat brother? Fatty Krueger?!”, and so the rest of the night I cried in the men’s room. However, that night sparked the idea for my costume– a dirty urinal. when that didn’t work out I decided I would be Fatty Krueger. This by itself would have been ok, but I would have just looked like a fat guy dressed up as Freddy.

Fortunately for me, my inability to put on effective Freddy makeup led to the brilliant addition of the GPK card. After failing miserably at putting on my makeup for the 40th time, I made some offhand remark that I should just paint my cheeks rosy and go as a Cabbage Patch Kid. Then, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a failed Halloween outfit, the idea to go as a human Garbage Pail Kid card blossomed. One phone call later to a friend that works at a Kinko’s, and I had a 3 foot by 5 foot giant Garbage Pail Kid card. I have no idea how I’m going to top this one, because it’s even better than I imagined it would look.

Cost : $20. Hat and gloves were $9.99 each at a costume store. Shirt was a gift from my mother-in-law. The card was made for free by a really bored friend at Kinko’s who I owe 90% of this costumes effectiveness to. Thanks, John!

Pros : Seriously, did you see this thing? It’s amazing. When I die, I might get this picture put on my tombstone, along with the words “It was all downhill from here.”

Cons : It’s a 3 x 5 foot card, so I couldn’t sit down or walk down a hallway, and going to the bathroom was an ordeal. Also, the “makeup” I used for my face was actual food : pudding, mustard, and ketchup smattered across my face. Here’s a Halloween protip – don’t use actual food for makeup. Not only did I get a pretty awesome rash on my face, but old ketchup smells (and tastes) just like death.

Old Woman Puppet (Amanda)

Few people could hold a conversation for more than a minute with me that night.

I had about two days to get a costume together for a party and I thought, “Hey, I know! I’ll papier-mâché a mask using knowledge I recently gained from reading a book about making puppets! It can’t be hard!” It turns out that while it isn’t THAT hard, it is probably advisable that you give yourself more time than two days. It takes a while to dry between layers, as it turns out. I think I was just going to go as a Lady Puppet but as it took shape, I started imagining that it could be one of those old aged, forgotten movie stars. I cut out the chin/jaw so that it would move when I spoke and painted it up in scary old lady make up colors. I thought it would be a good idea to have one of those classy cigarette-holder things, so I made one out of a paintbrush, more papier-mâché, and acrylic paints. I happened to have hideous clothes on hand, as I was given them by the old neighbor to take with us to donate to a thrift store next time we went. Luckily we hadn’t yet because I have no idea what I would have done without them.

Cost: The materials I used were already around the house. Modeling clay, tissue paper, newspaper, a paintbrush for my cigarette holder, acrylic paint, and terrible old lady clothes. Well, no. I did have to buy two large bottles of Elmer’s Glue for the papier-mâché (about $2) and fake eyelashes (probably also $2)

Pros: As far as costumes go, it really creeped people out. Grown ups would occasionally scream, and even my friends treated me differently. The fact that the mask was like a puppet head allowed me to be terrifying even as I ate snacks, because puppets shouldn’t be allowed to eat, apparently.

Cons: I had never made a mask before and I made it on such short notice that I did not have time to test its comfort. So, it turned out that holding the chin part to my chin via embroidery thread that hooked over my ears wound up being incredibly painful to that spot where my ears attach to my head. Also everyone thought it was a store-bought mask so I did not receive as much admiration for my First Mask Ever as I otherwise would have.

So there you go, kids. This just goes to show how much a little imagination, and a trip to the dollar store can produce costumes far better than the over-priced piles of shit down at your local Halloween store. So do yourself a favor, and make your own costume for Halloween. Not only is it far more rewarding, but it also makes those post-Halloween pictures far easier to deal with. You may have been trying to hump a houseplant while vomiting on the cat, but at least you were wearing the best costume in the whole place while doing it, right?