Terrifying Costumes of the Past: Cute Things Gone Horribly Wrong
Let me start off by saying that I THINK these things were maybe MEANT to be cute. For all I know, people back in the early 1900s actually were trying to take costumes of characters commonly thought of as friendly, such as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and turning them into soulless fiends because that is really how people thought of this holiday. They thought of it as the night to scare the bajeezus out of everyone, near and far. If that is the case, then they did very well indeed. They did so well that they even scared people (me) in the future (now).
But it could also be that times in the past were so hard, so joyless, that what we see now as being the most frightening and nightmarish costumes ever conceived were actually considered sweet and cuddly by these people. Much like how a belt-whipping from your father was seen as him finally being affectionate, getting to work in a mine for 14 hours a day when you were nine years old was an honor and a privilege, and getting to eat a whole lemon after completing five hours of back-breaking chores was a treat – maybe what we will be viewing in this article was once considered darling and huggable.
So hunker down, readers, and take a look with me, a look at things that make me strongly reconsider my wish for a Time Machine.
Leopard Clown, Sea-Whiskered Clown
A little too inept looking to be very threatening.
Let’s start off easy with these two little clowns here. As is the case with many costumes of the past, I am left feeling a little confused as to the thoughts that led to the conception of what we see born here before us. I believe clowns were historically always a favorite comfort among children and adults until the 1950s or 1960s. Clowns were seen as goofy silly things that were there to make you laugh and feel good. People used to just plain old like clowns. I personally do not fear them overmuch. However, I am given a bit of a startled pause when I imagine seeing these four foot tall disasters on my doorstep. Sea-Whiskers Clown seems friendly enough, with his hippopotamus teeth and strong beard which might actually be clown collar ruffles for some reason, included in the mask mold. The slightly-askew angle that this small clown sports his mask causes the Sea-Whiskers Clown to appear all googly-eyed and inebriated, obviously a Captain of a Clown Ship on the high-as-hell seas. Off-photo, perhaps he also wears a peg leg – maybe the peg is a candycorn – the most fearsome of all Halloween Candies.
Truth be told, however, Sea-Whiskers Clown is not why I selected this image to share. No. It is Leopard Clown that worried me on a level that had not been worried for a long, long time. Clearly, this is a plastic mask, and a cheap one at that. Nothing about this photograph leads my mind down the dark path that considers that maybe these are photos of REAL things. Of NON-costumes. No. This is obviously plastic. But why is it so ill-fitting? Look at it. It is practically sideways. You can’t even see one woebegone eye looking dolefully out of one of those eye holes. Nor do you even see an enraged eye looking spitefully from one. That child is either looking at the ground through a breath-hole in the nose or mouth area, or, far more likely, his eyes are squeezed shut, pouring out tears of anguish and shame. Someone ELSE put that mask on him, I can tell. They threw that mask on him saying, “THERE. NOW you have a mask YOU LITTLE SHIT. NOW SHUT YOUR YAP AND BE A MAN.” Yeah. Be a leopard man in clown garb, kid. And then grow up with this memory locked far deep inside of you. Maybe that man is still alive. Maybe he will happen upon this article. Maybe he will be driven to crimes. I cannot predict what might happen when someone is involved who was once made to be a clown with a leopard’s face.
Psychic Predator Mickey Mouse
That's not comforting at all.
Mickey Mouse is normally thought to be a gentle children’s cartoon. He had a horrible high-pitched voice and kind demeanor that brought decades worth of joy and happiness to generations of people the world over. Well, all of that was brought to an end the day this child donned this costume. The very second this transpired, people suddenly had Doubts about Mickey Mouse. His popularity suffered slightly and no one knew why. Well, THIS is why.
This appears to be a store-bought costume, judging by the shirt. But why would Disney ever release a mask that looks like that?? Where is Mickey’s mouth? His ears seem much too small. Why must he stare that way. Unless the child wearing the costume caused it to transform from a realistic depiction of a Happy Mickey into this Silent Mouthless Fear-Inspiring Mickey. Perhaps this child had some sort of Ability normally only seen on episodes of the Twilight Zone? Could he read minds? Could he taste fear? Did he feed on it, telepathically? Like a terror-farmer, did this child cause unease to grow strong until it fruited into nightmares and horror that he could then harvest in some non-physically obvious way, which is right now scarier to me than a bloody massacre? I think our answer may appear on the face of that un-costumed toddler that is paralyzed by the dangerous evil next to him and unable to move away. Look at that face, aged beyond its years. I see the face of an eight year old on a two or three year old’s head. Ghastly!!
Horrorface the Child Clown
Do not stare at the center of its face for too long.
What is this we find?? Another clowny clown here to clown its way into our hearts and our smiles. There are a lot of clowns featured here today, and there will even be more. So all of you coulrophobics out there, I’m a little sorry. Not completely sorry though, because this is the Halloween season! You must be used to the appearance of especially horrid clowns out there, everywhere you look. It is just the way of the things. Large or small, old or child-sized, smelling of cotton candy or of blood – this is when clowns have their day. Just as I am sure this little person had his or her day when this photo was snapped. Let’s look a little closer.
The little normal shoes instead of clown shoes is a nice touch. Those in addition to the small human-sized hands and lack of clown wig are a good reminder that this is probably just a small normal human child dressed in a costume. Nothing wrong with that. Even the outfit itself is tastefully done. It is not cheapened with a picture of a clown, nor is there Halloween print on it, as the first set of clowns in our journey. The setting itself looks like maybe they are outside of a legitimate haunted house, or maybe Norman Bates’ homestead, but that is only a little worrisome. This picture is a completely okay, boring photograph…. until you look at that face. What is going on with it?! Is it a mask? I think it is a mask. But why didn’t people just apply greasepaint directly to skin? Why would you buy a clown mask? IS IT A MASK? God, please let it be a mask. A mask made of nightmare stuff that is the consistency of wet sand that morphs and moves around is still better than imagining it is a real face with those same qualities. Wet sandy material that shifts and molds new features with the ease of unconscious thought. See how the mouth-part widens? See how the nose disappears, possibly to reform, possibly just because it isn’t needed. And those eyes. Those black, blank eyes devoid of care, kind thought, or any trace of humanity. If you tried to flee, I imagine it would not try to outrun you, but its face would fly out, in an infinite-if-it-had-to-be column of pain and death, devouring you on the spot.
Popeye the Horror Man
Oh boy.
Now, Popeye never was as universally adored as Mickey Mouse, of course, but he did enjoy a substantial amount of popularity back in the 1930s and 1940s. People used to regard sailors in a friendly way. Sailors had a good reputation as generally-good eggs. They were swell, even the ones with one squinty eye and suspiciously strong and over-worked looking forearms. The cartoon sailor man was a natural character to appear in light of this good public opinion. Unfortunately, this all created a perfect blend of events to cause this person here, from the past, to decide to hand-make a costume where they pretended to be Popeye.
Cosplaying has always given me the creeps, and I consider that to be what this is, even on Halloween, when people dress up as characters that they admire. Only, it is okay on Halloween, I guess, a lot moreso than it is any other day of the year. HOWEVER. What this person did is NOT okay on any day of any year, on any planet, in any reality. The mask might be an Old Man or Old Woman mask, but modified so that one eye is “squinty,” or, more accurately, “covered with a flap of pig skin.” Everything else about that costume is actually pretty well put together. The hat looks right, and I kind of wish I had that shirt for myself to wear today. Popeye never wore gloves, however, but those work gloves might have been necessary to cover the ends of the long-sleeved shirt that had been bulked out with spinach or something in order to give off the appearance of super-strong forearms. They needed to do a LOT more stuffing to be accurate, but that would have actually made us all more upset today. So thank goodness for small miracles.
Tiny Giantface the Soul-Devouring Clown
Q: What is smaller than a footstool and thirsting for your soul?
Oh no. I told you I did not fear clowns, but this one causes me to think again. Although I could very easily see how this is NOT a clown at all, but some minor demon from Hell. Get a load out of those little hands. And yes, I probably mean a pants-shitting sort of load. They are far too small to be real. And that face, dear god that face. It seems like it should be a mask, doesn’t it? I thought it was an especially scary mask – but the eyes! The eyes seem like the eyes of a real living thing! I do not understand! Is this child very deformed and ugly? Or is this just how this demon is meant to look? That chin. THAT MOUTH. If ever there was a mouth intended to unhinge, you’re looking at it. I think I am actually more unnerved by the fact that it seems to be caught in a moment where it is contemplating things. This is not a creature devoid of thought, made with the sole purpose of bringing doom and devastation. It is not a thoughtless nightmare thing. It clearly can think, maybe even feel. But still it goes on to ruin and end lives.
As a side note, I guess the age-old question as to whether or not dogs have souls has been answered. That small canine apparently senses that it has nothing to fear from a monster that consumes such intangible things. How I envy it.
