OMGJeremy

TERROR: Costumes From Halloween’s Past

More and more every day I realize that we are an age of pussies. Our horror films are PG-13, you can’t joke about beating women without stirring up a shit-fit, and kids costumes nowadays are just plain shitty. Girls are quick to dress as Hannah Montana, or Dora the Explorer, or a 40 year old slut. Boys on rare occasion will attempt to dress in a frightening manner, but only as scary as the local Wal-Mart selection will allow.

Gone are the days of parents being so cheap that they send you up into the attic to pick through old clothes and wet newspapers for costumes, and in are the days where folks find it easier to just walk in a store and buy a whole un-imaginative costume that isn’t scary in the least. As much as we poke fun of people from decades ago, there is one thing you can not deny:

Those bastards knew how to put together a costume that would scare the shit out of you.

NOT IN MY GARDEN Gnome

Forever proving that Gnomes are nothing but evil

Oh boy. Our first entry sets the bar pretty damn high. This nightmarish gnome-like creature could possibly be a clown of some sort… but I’m not sure. All I know is that the face on this thing could launch a thousand bad dreams, and I think the front of that robe may possibly have bloodstains on it. A clever detail for a costume, or the evidence of a deed most sinister?

Schoolgirl Rabbit from Hell

The child behind this mask is actually dead

Simple yet somehow very un-nerving. Even a simple mask from the 30’s / 40’s proves to be scarier than whole costumes nowadays. I don’t know what the scariest part is, those piercing dead eyes, or that smile that you could just imagine being the last thing you see as the knife is plunged in yet again, this time even deeper.

Pig(?) Cowgirl, Winking Gypsy Clown, Mustache Clown, and Nightmare Cowboy

"Okay let's give you kids some candOH GOD"

Well partner, I reckon I don’t like this one bit. While the Pig Cowgirl ranks up just based on oddness alone, the two clowns really put in a strong showing. I know a lot of folks are terrified of clowns, so I can only imagine what the reaction to a clown with an oversized novelty mustache may be. I’m predicting suicide. But moseying on down to steal the show is that goddamn Cowboy. Dressed in traditional cowboy garb, my problem is with this buckaroo’s face. WHY the black mask AND bandanna? Notice how form-fitting the black mask is, as if it were some sort of tight latex or possibly the results of horrific frostbite. I am thankful for the bandanna, but at the same time it does cause a small bit of anxiety. I can’t help but think of what may be underneath. Does the black mask continue? Is there a row of sharp pointed teeth? I hope this cowpoke does me a favor and just shoots me before he gets too close.

???

What could ever be happening

No. Just no. Conversation came up about what noises these creatures would make. While Amanda spoke of possible giggling, I seem to think they would make noises that pretty much consisted of squeaks and hisses. Though if these things even got remotely close enough for me to hear them I would immediately begin introducing my head to the hardest nearby surface with great force.

PocaHAUNTus

:/

I need more than one big ol’ heap of fire-water before I eyeball this horror. While the Native American clothing is fine enough, that grill is all about some never sleeping again. Teeth seem to jut out at all angles, as if her mouth just consisted of a mouthful of nails caught while being spit out midway. The eyes a solid white, and the skin probably made of some horrible feeling and smelling material, this costume takes the cake. The first time I saw this, I was making smoke signals in my pants. Pure terror.

Then and Now

So when Halloween is upon you and you are welcoming Spongebob, or Generic Pirate #1,000,000, or a damned Pop Princess, try not to feel too sad. Try not to spend too much time thinking about how the true spirit of Halloween is absolutely dead and gone and that it has been replaced by marketing and shoddy costumes that are only good for one use before falling apart.

Be sad, but be kinda glad too… because if any of these above kids knocked at my door I would probably showcase to them my “Shamed Man in his late 20’s that Just Pissed Himself” costume.