OMGJeremy

Most Reviled Costumes Of 2010

One of the best things about Halloween is getting to Costume Watch. People can come up with some genuinely clever costumes on their own, and many are quite well-crafted. Every year, however, we are shocked and saddened by how many people just go into a costume store and buy a shitty, ready-made costume – requiring no thought or creativity of their own. And for their part, the makers of these costumes make a killing, selling what really amounts to scraps of thin fabric for fifty thousand times what they are worth, and doing so in such volume as we cannot even begin to properly grasp.

Well, faithful readers, it is time to carry on with our tradition of angrily reviewing a few of the costumes we have stumbled across at the costume sites. There’s no shortage of Retarded Slut Costumes, and Desperate, Dick-Fixated Man Costumes – although we tried to ignore most of them, leaving only the most annoying for your viewing pleasure. A few Straight Up Stupid costumes are on hand, but we didn’t bother showcasing any children’s costumes, because to hell with children!

Take our hands, friends, and walk with us on a tour of this year’s worst costumes. And hug us in sympathy as we realize that we will probably encounter all of these in person, worn by people who believe they are legitimately awesome. Ugh. It’s enough to make us all want to stay in this year.

Texas Hold’em

Stop staring at my breasts, you PIG!

What better way to let everyone at the party know that you want to be involuntarily groped by everyone around you than this fine costume? Also don’t forget to mention to everyone the clever wordplay on this one, as you will most likely have to explain to everyone why this costume is so hilarious. “Get it?! I’m dressed like I’m from TEXAS! And there’s these two hands HOLDING MY TITS! TEXAS HOLD’EM! STOP TOUCHING ME!”

I imagine no one will really care, though, as I’m sure everyone will be too busy racking up sexual harassment subpoenas as the night wears on.

Candy Bar Costumes

Boring AND dumb, just like you!

Feel like paying scads of money to advertise for a major corporation? I mean really, who WOULDN’T want to waste the one night of the year where you can embarrass yourself with any costume you could think of, and just spend fifty bucks on a cheap piece of plastic featuring a large brand name! It’s like, if you manage to even try this costume on, you may as well just be admitting to everyone around you that you don’t have any sort of imagination left, and you just don’t give a shit. I’m sure the fine folks at Mars inc. will vote for your costume once they get done rolling naked in all the money people paid for this regretful Halloween decision.

Guitar Costume

“Wanna finger my chords?”

Okay ladies, it’s finally your chance to live the dream and attend a Halloween costume dressed as a hot, naughty… guitar? That’s right! The skirt’s short and the frets are uh tantalizing, I guess. Encourage men to strum you and keep drunkenly slurring something about how you want to make beautiful music together before you vomit into your host’s houseplant. There is no way you could make it through a night wearing this without trying to drink away your ability to think about what you are doing.

Woman’s Spongebob Squarepants Costume

The scariest part is her feet.

Hey kids! Guess what’s never sexy in a million billion years?? That’s right! Anything associated with the hit children’s animated TV show, Spongebob Squarepants! However, the costume manufacturers know when they have hit a goldmine – they have willing consumers (women) consuming the hell out of a retarded gimmick (turning everything in the world “sexy” just for them just for one night), so they are really trying to create every single costume they can.

Spongebob here is ridiculous looking, but not over-the-top in terms of women’s costumery. Anticipate the “SEXY plus-sized” Spongebob Squarepants costume next year featuring a corset and many yards of strained fishnets for the 2011 Halloween Season. I must also mention that I am utterly surprised that I did not run across a Patrick Star Women’s Costume that consists only of his cone shaped head and feet and hands, and a bucket of pink body paint. Well, look for THAT next year as well, probably!

Adult Baby

Everything about this makes me uncomfortable.

Any costume that gives the adult baby crowd another reason to venture into public will always draw our ire, and this one does so in spectacular fashion. Not only does it look like something a kid made out of a potato sack, but it also goes a long way in making the person wearing the costume appear mentally ill in the deepest and most frightening way. While many of these costumes feature sexual themes that are popular with the “Get Drunk And Shit On Your Sleeping Friend” crowd, this costume just comes off as supremely creepy. And definitely not Halloween creepy. More like “I’m 29 and still prefer breast feeding” creepy.

Irish Trollop

Aye shyshyshy, tis it ol’ Saint Patty’s Day already? No? Well, oops me top fell off.

Are you a whore? Are you Irish? If you answered “yes” to both of those, I imagine you are drunk and on your back too much to even get up and make it to a costume shop. But in the rare event that you are able to do so, it might interest you to roll that sleeping stranger off of you and pick this costume up. I’m not against whorish female costumes (I did a whole piece on them one year), but do you really have to drag a whole group of people down by advertising them all over your supple and probably very appealing frame? Don’t the Irish get a bad enough name without a guy’s only opinion of them coming from the slut they had bent over the bathroom sink at a Halloween party? There is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, only a possible blowjob.

Poo Poo Platter

"I’m not wearing anything beneath this hilarious costume."

Poop! Haha! That stuff is never not funny! Honestly I could have overlooked this costume, after all, Fecal Pun costumes are very old hat. However, what caught my eye was on the page where these things are sold, they have a section of additional things to buy (because $30 on a cheap one piece simple poo costume is certainly not enough) to “complete the look.” Recommended to complete the look for this already-sublime achievement of costume mastery: Chinese Bamboo Hat, a Fu Manchu beard set, and other less-offensive assorted things. That’s right, you can push the limits of good taste EVEN FURTHER than I had thought possible. I mean, I thought the limits were burning in a heap at the bottom of a canyon already, from “Poo Poo Platter” alone, but I never dreamed that you could then take the wreckage and cover it in racial stereotypes. Makers of Poo Poo Platter, I ask you, where are the fake buck-teeth and thick black glasses? If you are going to drag us back to WWII levels of Asian mockery, you might as well do it right.

The Shocker

Next year: a costume depicting the dude’s face crammed into a vag. Ha ha! YEEEEAHHH!

Wanna impress the ladies? Wanna get the most high-fives from the bros? Wanna look like a douche? This miracle of several itchy materials has made all of those things possible in one eyesore of a costume. While we all know women don’t mind ass-insertion these days (despite claiming otherwise), advertising the fact that you are willing to risk getting a poo-finger is not going to cause them to come a’runnin’ to you. You’ve got a few well-earned slaps to the face coming to you on Halloween night if you are sporting this costume.

Department of Erections

"Gots me a prison boner. Ahyuck. Why you run away?"

Looking for a costume that will simultaneously frighten, confuse, and horrify other people? Then, boy, do we have a costume for you. This is a costume based on a pretty dumb pun. Who really would want to dress up like a convict of some sort? Old timey cat burglars, okay, or even the prisoners with the black and white striped prison uniforms, I can maybe understand those. And actually I guess a guy in an orange prison suit could be kind of a scary costume, if done right. “I AM AN ESCAPED CRAZY CONVICT, I WILL EAT YOU IN THE LIVER!” But this is a costume that people will see and they will not think “what is the clever pun here? I must use my mind to solve this riddle.” No, they will say, “Wow, he came to this party dressed as a convict with a boner. Wow.” And if you want to creep people out by being a convict with a visible boner, then boy, do we have a costume for you!

Male Genitals

"Hello, ladies. I am a big white immaculate set of possibly-bleached male anatomy. Boo! Haha. Please touch me."

Throw all subtlety and self-respect out the window as you don this masterpiece of ridiculous shittery. Quite a few costumes for men seem to deal with the scatalogical or the obscene, or puns leading to either the scatalogical or obscene, but this. This doesn’t even bother. Gone is the insipid cleverness of trying to get ladies to think about your crotch and your sexual prowess. Apparently not enough ladies were “getting it” – or were showing a surprising amount of self-restraint by pretending to not make the connection. “So you are a genie and your waist-level lamp says ‘Rub Me’ on the side. So??” Costume companies decided to just go for broke and offer this delightful costume of a cock and balls to 100% make certain that all the ladies will HAVE to think of cock and balls + your grinning, leering face. Be sure to lick your lips at them and make eyes, also, so they will understand that you are a big male genitals ready to pleasure them all, one by one, all night long.

I am including the description because it made me want to start throwing punches:

“They say bigger is better and you can certainly find out in this hilarious Happy Halloweenie adult costume. Of course if people already call you a big dick this isn’t news, but why jerk around – you know this is funny.Great way to meet the ladies!”

GREAT WAY TO MEET THE LADIES. I swear to Christ if I hear of any of you women going for a guy in this costume (or any of these costumes, actually) I may personally come to your house to kick your face in. You have been warned.