OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Retardead

Retardead. Just say it out loud a few times and let that sink in. It means that someone made a movie about Play-Doh eating retarded people that get turned into flesh-eating zombified people, and “unbelievably” it’s not very good. However, this would come as absolutely no surprise to anyone who knows that Retardead is a sequel to a movie that I reviewed previously – Monsturd, a movie about a giant piece of killer feces. Somehow, 4321 Studios managed to get enough money from their previous movie to warrant making a full-on sequel to a movie that managed to stretch toilet humor out to 80 minutes or so of pure pain. The difference with Retardead is—I actually liked this movie, probably even for some of the reasons it was made. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still terrible. But it’s a remarkable improvement on Monsturd, which admittedly isn’t all that hard to do.

Speaking of Monsturd, both times that article has been put up on OMGJeremy (most recently a few months ago), the producer / writer / actor of Monsturd, Rick Popko, managed to find the write-up and provide some comments. I was actually shocked the first time—something I wrote actually got back to the people that were behind the movie! The second time I thought “wait a second, this guy is just googling his movie like 5 years after it was made.” I would say that’s sort of obsessive, but I often google search bands I was in when I was 14 that nobody should remember because I have some sort of problem, so I understand why this happens. Both times I got similar comments, and the one complaint that I got from him was not that I didn’t care for the movie, but that I gave away the ending. So, I’m going to attempt something I haven’t done in years (if ever):

I’m going to review this movie without giving away the ending, just for you, Rick Popko. Consider it a late Valentine’s Day gift from OMGJeremy. This means that this review might be a little short, especially since storywise I didn’t have a whole lot to work with, but I don’t want someone to think I’m ruining their movie. I like to think I help push movies that other people might have overlooked– you know, an “even bad press is press” sort of thing.

I know this doesn't fit in with the article, but I will admit this news report made me laugh.

Most of the cast is mostly back from the first movie. The police force of Butte County is the same, the hero (if there is a hero) Sheriff Duncan, Deputy Dan, and Deputy Rick (THE Rick Popko who is to blame for these films) all return along with Agent Hannigan of the FBI and Dr. Stern. There are loads of other people who are back, but these are them most notable from Monsturd as it is burned into my memory forever. All of the acting has not improved in the last 5 years, or if it has it was not enough. I would be impressed that the original cast was brought back for a sequel 5 years later, but it’s not like any of these people were busy starring in the latest Scorsese film (or even in the next Uwe Boll film). There are a few notable new additions, like The Living Dead Girlz– a dance troupe that does routines based on zombies. I’m not making this up, nor were the minds behind Retardead. They had a website where there were clips of their show. That’s a very narrow audience they’re targeting, but I salute them for finding a way to surprise me. I would never have believed such a stage show exists, and I’m still not 100% sure that it does. They’re featured in this movie, in a scene I won’t get to because it’s near the end that I’m not giving away. I’ll give you a hint though– they are zombie girls, and they dance in it. Anyway, enough with the intro — on with the review!

After we are treated to a misleadingly amusing drive-in preview style introduction of fake trailers and a “let’s go out to the lobby” style commercial, we are back in Butte County where they are still cleaning up the… remnants… leftover from the climax of Monsturd. While the titular monster itself was destroyed and the day saved, Dr. Stern (the mad scientist responsible for the whole mess) has vanished and although it is widely reported that he was killed in the sewers, there is no body and there are no Stern-bits in the leftovers of the shit-monster. The police and the FBI are still concerned that he’s out there planning some other criminal masterpiece, and as we see a manhole open and a crap-covered glove reach out, we’re pretty sure they are correct in their assumptions.

Dr. Stern (who is now the proud owner of a massive facial scar) slips by the police, ransacks the cleverly titled “Medical Office Building” for random bottles of pills and medicines, and then sets up his secret science lab in an abandoned warehouse. Then to let us in on what we are about to see, Dr. Stern pulls out a Scrapbook-of-Evil that has newspaper clips of what I am assuming is anything relating to his plans. The last panel we see is “Special Education Center to open in Butte County”—I am actually surprised there isn’t already one, because that would explain some of the acting in this movie. However, this section contains the first scene in the movie itself that actually made me think “whoa, wait a second… did 4321 Productions just do something I didn’t hate?!” Dr. Stern drains his own scarred eye cavity out and it actually made my stomach churn. Maybe it’s that I didn’t expect it, or maybe it’s that the thought of something actually poking at my eye makes me want to hide in a closet and die (the eye scene in Fulci’s Zombie has the same effect on me still), but I actually had to pause the movie for a second. But not just because of the eye scene — a flicker of promise just flashed in front of my eyes for this movie.

This is Dr. Stern, laughing that I was somehow convinced to watch his second movie.

However, almost immediately the movie regresses back to a nearly endless string of unfunny dick jokes. Even though Dr. Stern is probably a larger concern to the world at large, the law enforcement of Butte County doesn’t really have time to really worry about that– because the town is currently dealing with another menace, the shamefully named Weenie Wagger. That’s right, the town is concerned more about a serial masturbator than they are finding the lost doctor (See the first movie image above, which might make more sense here. I am pro-fessional). So while the deputies are roaming about town hunting for perverts and hanging out in adult video establishments (because that’s their go-to plan of action for any case), this leaves Dr. Stern alone to work on his next evil plan– he gets a job at the Butte County Special Education Center to work with the developmentally challenged. Why is he doing this? According to him, “to change their lives forever.” That sounds pretty menacing, and since the police are busy wearing gimp masks and shooting each other with dong-launchers, he’ll have some time to get his plan into action. Thankfully, Agent Hannigan of the FBI hasn’t forgotten about Dr. Stern, and she’s been working on finding anyone who had been involved with Stern at DuTech chemicals (his job at the beginning of Monsturd — weren’t you taking notes?). She’s gotten some information that Stern’s former assistant in San Quentin is ready to talk to the FBI about all Dr. Stern’s evil plans, including what he was working on before the Monsturd incident– the Algernon 9 Project. The Algernon 9 Project was a hyperintelligence serum designed to turn the underdeveloped into regularly functioning human beings. However, much as in any mad scientist movie, there were side effects. Mainly that it would turn them into zombies, which is one hell of a side effect.

To be fair, this is actually a pretty clever piece of the movie. First off, the name “Algernon 9″ is a pretty clever reference. More importantly, it actually seems like a believable thing for a scientist to be working on. I’m not sure what purpose making the chemical soup that spawned the shitmonster was supposed to serve, but a procedure to more or less cure the retarded is actually something semi-realistic. It also paints Dr. Stern in a more positive light. Sure, he’s a nutjob… but he’s a nutjob who is a brilliant scientist who has the potential to really help the world, even if he’s doing so for completely selfish reasons. However, just as I was about to give this movie some credit– we get treated to another Weenie Wagger scene that brought my expectations back down to Earth… or more accurately back down to the sewers.

The Weenie Wagger has attacked again, this time by getting caught pleasing himself watching a woman who is inexplicably doing her laundry outside in just a bra. Of course, this woman is distraught and goes to the police who bring back the World’s Worst Sketch Artist to again compile a police sketch of the perpetrator. Again, much like how in Monsturd he asked about if the poop had corn in it, he begins asking questions like “was it circ’d or uncirc’d?” “Was he stroking it pretty fast?” “Did he have erect nipples by any chance?” and proceeds to present them with another sketch that would be completely unhelpful to any investigation ever. If you recall, this is almost the same exact scene that was in Monsturd, even going as far as to use the same actor to be the Sketch artist. At this point, I had almost decided to throw in the towel and watch something else, but then the story focused back to Dr. Stern and his class of retarded kids. And wow… am I glad I didn’t turn this off just yet.

Oh no... this is Stern's class...

And this is what we are presented with – this is our class of retarded kids. I knew this movie would have retarded people in it, because the name of the movie IS Retardead, but I thought maybe they’d be a little less offensively retarded. I know, I know… I am just setting myself up to be disappointed. But I did, and now I must face that this movie would offend pretty much anyone with a developmentally challenged family member or friend, or really just anyone who was a big fan of “Life Goes On.” What makes this more difficult is that clearly these are not retarded people, but people of average (or under average) intelligence acting like retards. I’m sure that 4321 Films don’t care about making this inoffensive, in fact, they’re probably trying to offend. So, we get to watch footage of them “being retarded,” like the one in the hunting cap always having a pencil in his nose, or the one in a wheelchair just constantly drooling and spitting, or one that just constantly is holding a banana, or just staring around awkwardly and asking questions to Stern like “Are you a candle?” Dr. Stern then explains to the class that he will be changing them like a caterpillar changes into a butterfly, and then starts his teaching, which involves injecting them with his secret Algernon-9-based formula and then doing actual teaching. The next bit of the movie is a montage of Stern’s class starting as people who don’t understand what butterflies even are, and ending up reading Shakespeare and doing higher level math. In one week these students have turned from the Special Ed kids into the gifted kids. Unsurprisingly, the other teachers at the school are concerned about what could be causing this progress, especially Ms. Hazelwood, and they begin secretly watching and following Dr. Stern.

Meanwhile, the cops are still dealing with the Weenie Wagger, blissfully unaware of Dr. Stern’s progress at the Special Education center. They’ve gotten some identification on their suspect (because he innately leaves DNA evidence at every crime scene… ugh…) and he conveniently works at the Special Ed center as well, and is known as “Herbert the Pervert.” I’m pretty sure anyone who goes by Anything the Pervert pretty much has no business working in a school, but he’s a janitor, so that makes it alright. Actually, this works out pretty well for them, since Herbert manages to catch Dr. Stern leading a blood covered retard down into the basement of the school, which is probably an abnormal event even in Butte County. As he’s rushing to tell someone about this, the police arrive at the school (in a police vehicle that is literally a jeep with paper signs taped to the doors) to capture him and take him to the police station, where he rats out Dr. Stern “for doing something for the retards.” This leads the cops to call Agent Hannigan to come back to Butte County, now gathering our heroes back together yet again: Sheriff Duncan, Deputies Rick and Dan, Agent Hannigan… and Herbert the Pervert, who is inexplicably now trusted by the cops enough to be allowed to wander around freely and use heavy firearms. I would be more concerned about this, but at this point I’m just amazed that someone continued filming this.

So now that everyone is together, and they know where Stern is — they can just go catch him and the movie ends, right? Of course not, because before Hannigan has a chance to fly out to Butte County, Ms. Hazelwood (the suspicious teacher at the Spec Ed center) notices that Dr. Stern keeps going into that basement. She manages to sneak downstairs after Stern leaves and finds Stern’s class tied up to the wall and looking dreadfully zombified (that’s covered in grey paint and fake blood). So, much like I would expect, she unties them and lets them loose – to begin to eat her to death.

Hmm... these students didn't look so gray before...

Stern is prepared for such an occurrence however, and loads a tranquilizer gun and heads down to the basement to deal with this situation before it gets out of hand, but is interrupted by the arrival of the deputies that manage to somehow shoot Dr. Stern with his own tranq-dart, leaving him as a doped up mess who keeps just screaming “DON’T LET THEM OUT!!!” Then they promptly leave the school to throw Stern into a cell to sober up — and allowing the zombie retards to escape from the school. Meanwhile, FEMA is mystically notified by magical gnomes or something that Stern has unleashed what could be a massive plague in Butte County, and they alert the US Army to the possibility that Dr. Stern might still be alive and building an army of killer zombies, and FEMA and the Army put all of Butte County on quarantine — nobody is allowed in, nobody is allowed out. Hannigan somehow manages to sneak past the military guardposts, and so the safety of the whole town is left to their bumbling police force and Agent Hannigan to stop, now with the additional help of Dr. Stern who while isn’t completely trustworthy at least is willing to help stop this– I guess because he really has nothing to gain from killing off the entire human race.

Up until now, this movie was pretty much horrible. It had the previews that I laughed at a little, and I will have to give Dr. Stern (Dan Burr) credit for actually being mildly believable as a misunderstood genius. But otherwise everything I have just written about could have been summarized in about a sentence, and instead it was stretched out into a collection of way-too-long scenes filled with unfunny dialog that is heavy on foul language and dick humor. Every scene is literally padded with about two times more footage than it needs. I’m sure this was done to make it feature length, but really it just made the first half of this movie almost too bad to sit through. From this point on, the movie actually turns into something that resembles a movie I would enjoy. From here on out it is a shitty zombie movie ripoff, but an enjoyable shitty zombie ripoff. Pretty much half our time will be watching zombies eat people in slow motion, with extreme amounts of fake blood and fairly good effects. Any money spent on this movie went entirely to gore effects and fake blood, and they definitely use the shit out of it. But, while the movie gets better as far as being a gutmunching gorefest, it most definately doesn’t get any smarter.

There's like 20+ minutes of disemboweling to watch-- as long as you can sit through 70 minutes of suck.

As expected with zombies, eventually the virus spreads faster than anyone would be ready for, and quickly gets out of control. Zombie attacks are rampant and within the next 5 minutes of straight zombie footage the city is more or less overrun by zombies, with the remaining townsfolk hiding in their bomb shelters / basements / forgotten about. The cops quickly realize they have no idea what to do. Dr. Stern has an idea though, since he was prepared for some sort of zombie-related problem to begin with, although admittedly not to this scale, and he convinces the police to take him back to his original warehouse secret laboratory. (Note to anyone who watches this: the sound in the section is all fucked up, like they didn’t properly mic it or overdub it, a sign of quality). Stern has the wheelchair zombie hidden here because he can’t walk away and attack anyone, and brings him out to show the Sheriff that he has a solution to their zombie problem. And what is that solution? To shoot them in the head with a bullet. That was a long way to go to figure out what everyone on the planet knows. It turns out there is an antidote, but there is only one dose of it and Stern can’t recreate it for some unknown reason, so they have to resort to shoot all these zombies to stop this outbreak. But they’re going to need a plan.

A plan is indeed formed– the cops get every single weapon they can find and wall themselves up in the Butte County Sheriff’s Office / Morgue. They’re going to have to draw all the zombies to them, and then methodically kill each and every one of them with a bullet. But how will they get all the zombies in town to come to them? Hmm… they’ll need some sort of foolproof zombie bait. You know, they are in the morgue… and they do have vehicles… and this is a pretty awful movie. Can you say “human meat suits”? Yep – the deputies get outfitted in suits made out of the odds and ends of corpses that Dr. Stern slices up in a scene that is probably filled with the most fake blood, fake vomit, and questionable animal parts disguised to look like human organs. And then they run around town to drag the zombies to the police station where a well-armed small force of six people will have to make the final stand. Well… five. Dr. Stern manages to escape during the meat-suit zombie cattle drive (because he’s an evil genius– and because he’s in a room full of weapons and is left unguarded), leaving just the 3 man Butte County police force, Agent Hannigan, and Herbert the Pervert left as the only people who can stop the retard zombie army.

Meatsuits. I didn't think I'd get to use those two words together not referring to GWAR.

Will they be able to succeed? What happened to Dr. Stern? Why did I bother watching this? Will the friends I made watch this with me ever speak to me again? If you need the answers to the first two questions, then you’ll just have to find this movie yourself. If you enjoy a good bit of zombie-related flesh eating, there are worse movies out there. At the very least this does follow-up on the unspoken promise of zombies. They’re in here, and they are hungry. You know, normally the worse the movie, the more I enjoy it. Monsturd was one of the few movies that got so bad it broke me, Retardead on the other hand was saved by the zombie scenes, which honestly are some of the best I’ve seen in a low-budget film in years. And I have to give kudos to whoever wrote the Retardead theme song that plays over the credits, the lyrics, especially the line “We’re very sorry you sat through Retardead,” are spot on. I get what 4321 was aiming for– an intentionally bad movie, with some extreme gore as the payoff, and to that extent they succeed. But I think it suffers from the same rough problem as Monsturd which is that all the dialogue and acting is beyond painful. I’m still not really sure who this movie is made for, outside of the people who starred in this movie. I’m also pretty sure I won’t write another review of a movie where I don’t give away the ending, at least not in the OMGJeremy format. So I’ll just leave you with this:

No matter how it ends, you can bet– it’s pretty retarded.

Here’s the trailer for this movie, I think it actually gives away the entire movie more or less, but it’ll give you a taste of what the full movie has to offer.