OMGJeremy

Flashback Thursday Presents: DEAR XV: I Am A Goddamned Mess. Please Help.

I know more than you.

This has been covered innumerable times. I know more than you, because you’re a sniveling pack of heathenous fuckwits who are barely worth the time it takes to defecate in your shoes and I am a glorious, golden God on earth, a magnificent specimen of virility and all-encompassing knowledge. Let’s review a few of my many accomplishments, shall we?

 

Still don’t believe me? Let’s just look at a few of my accomplishments within the last year ALONE:

• I have toiled endlessly to save your hilariously unworthy and pitifully unwashed asses from the ravening hordes of the mutant zombie ninja. To date, my refrigerator is still one hundred percent zombie-free.
• I have taught you how to get the sex, no matter how unutterably unattractive you are.
• I have informed you how to gain and maintain your popularity on the all-important social grounds of the Interweb.
• After eight years, am now this close to my Associate’s Degree.
• I have kept the streets of my hometown completely clean of the insidious Red Communist homeless menace.
• I have a vast and incredibly impressive collection of laminated hookers.
• Managed to alienate my entire family with my incessant diatribes on vicious, killer insects from hell and wriggly parasitic worms infesting each and every human being on the planet.
• Watched an entire movie starring Ben Affleck without angrily demanding to know how or why he still manages to get work even once.
• Can write a review of a movie by M. Night Shymalan without comically misspelling his name.
• Played both Growl and Gourmet Sentai Bara Yarou so you didn’t have to.
• Dressed up as a banana, allowed myself to be photographed, and then allowed said photographs to be posted on the Interweb.
• Beat Contra without the thirty lives code.

Impressive, aren’t I? I know how unworthy you must feel, reading these words so obviously written by a superior specimen of humanity, while you yourselves have barely evolved past opposable thumbs. I get that a lot. My overwhelming superiority, it is my personal cross to bear.

But it wasn’t enough, I decided, to simply rest upon the laurels of my dazzling accomplishments. There is still strife in this world, injustice and ignorance and bad cheese, and I have decided that that will not do at all. It is not enough for me to simply be better than you. I must educate as well.

Thus, I have embarked upon this latest and truly wondrous task, to create an advice column in which I have taken questions from internet forums, pretended they were asked directly to me, and then shoot them full of explosive bullets of my burning Knowledge. For the sake of this truly awe-inspiring project, I shall be known as Dr. xv, and I shall help you, for that is what I do when I’m not too busy receiving psychic transmissions from NASA satellites and my Hebrew brethren at the Vatican. You may thank me with money.

All questions are mostly verbatim, possibly edited to remove the boring tripe. All names have been changed to protect nobody in particular.

 

Dear Dr.xv

I’ve only ever given anyone a blow job once. It didn’t work out the way I had wanted, I had always assumed I would improve my oral skills before losing my virginity but it didn’t happen.

So my question is about oral sex in general! tips, pointers… I need feedback from men so that I can have some idea of what is and isnt good… because I’ll be honest with you. I KNOW that the first one I did was terrible!!! …and I want the next to be better.

Oraloser in Biloxi

 

Hello, Oraloser.

First things first.

Begin by tearing his pants off, preferably with ice tongs or some other sort of edged or pointed metal object – men cannot resist the feeling of imminent danger to their genitals, it gives us what we call a “fear boner.”  If he screams for help, you’re on the right track.

Next, grab him by the balls as roughly as you can, massaging in a counterclockwise direction, while cramming your fist – no lubrication, please, we find that to be insulting – as far up his anus as you can in one hearty lunge. Grab the head of his penis between your teeth and jerk your head side-to-side like a dog attacking a chew toy, before opening your hand, the one lodged in his colon, open as hard and as fast as you can. Close that hand quickly, in an attempt to seize a lap of intestine. That’s where the “male g-spot” called the Prostate is. You’ll want to directly stimulate that area with your fingernails. Jerk your hand back and forth, with your fingers in the ‘Tiger Claw’ configuration, while chewing pointedly at the area directly underneath the head of his penis. Blood is a good sign.

Then, open your mouth as wide as you can, give him your sexiest smile, and cram as much of that penis down your throat as you possibly can – don’t forget to massage his testicles with your teeth while you’re down there. If you can’t manage to reach his testicles with your teeth, take them firmly in your free hand and twist them 360 degrees in a clockwise direction before pulling down violently and then cramming back up, like you’re trying to force his testicles into his stomach.

Make a “spear” with your colon-hand by flattening it rigid and then thrust as hard as you can, straight up. See if you can get your arm in all the way to the shoulder – he’ll love it and beg for more. Clamp your teeth down over his penis and bite like you’re tearing off a hunk of Twizzler, and voila!

You’re sucking cock like a champion.

 

Dear Dr. xv,

I was wondering how small is too small for a guy.

Bitsyboy in Brooklyn

 

Women cannot stand a tiny man.

And by tiny I mean pathetic.

And by pathetic I mean “you might as well just eat the business end of a Mosburg 12-guage right now.”

Ever hear “size doesn’t matter”? “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean”? “It’s small but it’s FIERCE”?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Your penis is your sole reason for existence. It is the symbol of your masculinity, and thus the source of your manliness. A small penis means you are a small man. Small men are weak and have low life expectancies. Small men are balding and smell faintly of mildew and old closets. They are sweaty and have greasy hair, and their voices gurgle like their chests were made of nothing but phlegm. Just barely a man, these small men. Just barely a man.

Average size for an heterosexual male is approximately nine inches long and three inches wide, though most men have closer to ten or eleven inches to them. Some women can deal with a man in the six to seven inch range, if they’re very patient and supportive, but any smaller than that, let’s face it, will be almost universally shunned by women. They’ll call their friends and tell them all about your pathetic little five-inch dick and burst into peals of derisive laughter whenever they see you.

If you are one of the unlucky ones afflicted with ‘fun-sized’ genitalia, you do have three options open to you.

1. Go out there and buy yourself a HUGE FUCKING CAR
2. Go out there and buy yourself a HUGE FUCKING GUN
3. Do BOTH

Nothing says “I may have an itty-bitty dick but, I still have a HUGE FUCKING CAR/GUN” like a HUGE FUCKING CAR/GUN.

 

Dear Dr. xv,

How do you tell someone you’re not interested after you’ve been out on a few dates with them?

Uninterested in Utah

 

This is such an easy question, I’m amazed and shocked that it needs to be asked. What kind of a man are you? Or, um, woman? Or… fuck it, let’s just pretend you’re a chick, keep things simple.

If there’s one thing guys never seem to get, it’s when their presence is no longer required. I’ve seen men sit stupidly in the corner at a party, unfalteringly attempting to start a conversation about trading-card games or anime series featuring men who for some reason have fox tails with women who are already in the process of having sex with more desirable men. It hinges on the cusp of shoot-yourself-in-the-face pathetic, and it’s even worse after you’ve given the poor schmuck a few pity-dates. Gives them all sorts of ideas.

There are, however, several surefire can’t-miss methods of making even the most stoically unappealing suitor turn tail and run back to the rock he crawled out from under:

• Option A: Nothing says “your penis is not wanted here” like a broken bottle in the face.
• Option B: Tell him you just got gang-banged by every single one of his elementary school teachers and how you all laughed about how he was a loser even way back then. By the time your face heals up, you’ll have a fat, juicy restraining order!
• Option C: Take him to Singapore and plant heroin in his bags.
• Option D: Give him a blowjob.

Once he’s a thing of the past, it’s time to call up all your girlfriends, make fun of his penis, and then treat yourself to hollow, casual sex with a total stranger who bought you a shot!

 

Dear Dr. xv

hey, im an 18 year old virgin, but for the past year or so ive been playing around with my cousin of the same age. shes been giving me blowjobs mostly and ive been fingering her. last time we were doing this, she wanted me to have sex with her, but i said maybe next time. should i do it because she wants to do it tonight. thanks in advance.

Incestuous in Indianapolis

You know, if there’s one thing this country desperately needs, it’s more inbred freaks incapable of living normal human lives. There has been an alarming decrease in cousin-fucking in the past decade, and it has led to some truly upsetting trends, not the least of which being a return to reading actual books and a decline in country-western music. Can you imagine a world without cousin-fucking and inbred retards? A world in which gays are accepted, religion is considered a set of guidelines not worth killing anyone over and no Jessica Simpson? The very idea is repulsive to the extreme.

Yes, Incestuous. You should fuck your cousin, and fuck her well. Fuck her until the cows come home, and then fuck the cows, too. Fuck her and don’t stop fucking her until her womb becomes a uteral cannon that fires an endless supply of subhuman freaks to populate this country and grow to vote on important issues like “Does America Hate Fags?” and “A/S/L?” Fuck your cousin as if America herself depends upon it.

Because she does, Incestuous. This land was built on cousin-fucking. It is your duty as an American to keep your family tree from branching. Don’t let us down.

 

Dear Dr. xv

is there any tricks or sorts of food that will make you blast a hot one realy far? I dont have a whole lot of power behind my ejaculations unfortunately.

tell me!

Weaksauce in Washington

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH oh, you poor, poor sap. Almost on-par with a teeny little dingus, the inability to fire a ‘hot one’ capable of penetrating a flak jacket is a severe evolutionary strike against you. I myself am capable of downing low-flying airplanes with my almighty spooge, and I find your crippling masculinity problem absolutely hilarious.

But yes, I am here to guide and educate, not point and laugh like a hyena. So let me get that out of the way before I continue:

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAAHHAHAHAHAAA aaaaah yeah.

Well, then, Weaksauce, let’s get to your problem! First of all, your pitiful ejaculations are symptom of a serious lack of Manliness. Your testosterone, much like a man with a lesser penis, is simply not, as we say, ‘up to snuff.’ Hope is not lost, however, and there is a surefire way to correct this problem.

First, wrap a length of heavy duty rope around your testicles, as tightly as you can. Tie one end to a tree, and the other end to the rear bumper of your mom’s SUV. When you’re ready, have your mom take off at full speed. You’ll be firing hot ones really far in no time!

 

Dear Dr. xv.

I am currently engaged to a 24 year old woman who I really love. She has never had sexual intercourse with anyone before. We spent a month together and even though we never had intercourse, we did have lots of foreplay and I did give her many orgasms. My question is, how can I know if she really is a virgin or not? I was able to put half my fingers in her. Does this mean her Hymen was already torn? Is there anyway to know for certain that she was never penetrated by a penis?

Suspicious in Saskatoon

I’m right there with you, Suspicious, oh God am I right there with you. There’s nothing worse than falling in love with a woman and then suddenly discovering that she, like pretty much all women, is nothing but a dirty, lying whore, a diseased slut who fucks total strangers for drink money and can never, ever be trusted with your affection.

Simply asking her is no good, as everyone knows women are completely incapable of telling the truth. They will lie like a rug no matter what the question, and then savagely attack you with their razor fangs should you dare question them. There are ways to get the truth out of her, though, and find out if she is actually an untouched angel, a good girl worth your time and affection, or a soiled whore who deserves nothing more than a blast of semen across the face and a bed in the gutter.

1. Hurl her into the rampaging, white-water river rapids. If she is truly a pure, untouched virgin, she will float to the surface, unharmed. Marry her with all speed. If she is a filthy, venomous whore, she will drown, and you will be better off without her.
2. Slip some cyanide into her drink. If she is a virgin, her purity will neutralize the poison, but if she is a worthless slut, her suffering will be increased elevenfold, and she will die choking on her own sins.
3. Ask her outright if her sanctity has been tarnished by the turgid thrust of hot manflesh. If she admits the truth, she is a whore. Stone her to death. If she denies it, she is a lying whore. Stone her to death.

Good luck!

 

Dear Dr. xv,

I feel a bit strange because, event hough I am not gay, I like looking at other guys’ genitalia. I basically do it to see how I compare, but I’m always too curious, it’s like I have to compare myself to every guy, and I don’t know why. It feels odd because if I tell this to any of my friends, they would probably think I’m gay. I was wondering if this happens to any of you guys and if it’s something we just don’t talk about becuase we wouldn’t want anybody to question our sexuality or masculinity. Do you have a possible explanation for this behavior.

Curious in Chattanooga

 

You’re gay. A pillow-biting, donut-punching ass-bandit. A turd-burgling gay queer queen flaming fag who loves the cock almost as much as you love the ass-sex.

Accept it and move on.

 

 

And there you have it. You are all now better people, having accepted my hot, throbbing, tempestuous Knowledge. Despair no more and know that I am here for you, my children.

No matter how much you disgust me, I am here for you.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, the world isn’t going to save itself.