OMGJeremy

Humpday Gaming: Steven Seagal Is The Final Option

I have always had a soft spot for vaporware. For some reason, I am so intrigued by games that were in the planning stages but just fell through for whatever reason. Maybe money ran out, or the technology didn’t quite allow for the game to be made the way the developers had planned, or maybe the folks behind the game realized they were slowly squeezing out a gigantic turd that the world would be better off without. I imagine the latter was the case with the game I am going to speak of briefly:

Steven Seagal is The Final Option

To the best of my knowledge I do believe that is the official title for this game. The funny thing about all of Steven Seagal’s films was that you could put his name in front of the title with the word “is” and it made sense. Steven Seagal IS Marked for Death, or Steven Seagal IS Hard to Kill. It just worked out that way and it was sort of cool in the lamest way possible. This game doesn’t do that, but I guess having a game called “The Final Option” wasn’t good enough. Lord knows you need Steven Seagal to throw his name on there so the thing will sell billions.

PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE

The best part about this game is that it actually got out of the planning stages, and what was finished of it is circulating online pretty readily nowadays. I haven’t played through the entire thing, so I don’t know how much of it is out there, but this is one of those games that a man only needs to play the first level of to realize that any further levels would ruin the experience… either because the game would take a turn and get good (thus ruining any potential for it to be one of those “Good Bad Games”), or because another level of this shittiness would cause spontaneous combustion. You control a very digitized Steven Segal, because hey… if you weren’t digitized back in the mid-90′s YOU WEREN’T SHIT.

If you played Batman Forever on the SNES, then you’ve already played this fucker. If you haven’t already played it, go ahead and get a perfectly legal copy of it and give it a whirl.

Sucked, didn’t it?

OH GOD KICK THEM IN THE DICKS

Now imagine that, but without what little “cool factor” Batman brings to the table. Yeah, you’re controlling an awkward, pixelized-to-shit, and hard to recognize mound of graphical mess… but it’s the goddamn Caped Crusader. Take that away and plug in some guy who has only managed to do a Mountain Dew commercial and put on 200 pounds and have a shitty cop show in this century. As horrible as the main character looks, there is a matter of the enemies you encounter in this game. Prepare to feel like shit, because you are taking on what may in fact be completely defenseless fellows who look more like television repairmen rather than terrorist masterminds. When I say defenseless, I’m being dead fucking serious… they may or may not fight you at all.

(I just replayed it and can confirm they DO attack, if you stand still for 2 or 3 minutes in front of them.)

SHOOT HIM IN THE GODDAMN MOUTH

You’re Steven Seagal, so of course you aren’t defenseless. You have several bone-crushing moves at your disposal, including:

• Punch / Chop that is thrown with all the force of a 90 year old woman waggling her fist at a bunch of rowdy youngins.
• Kick that is executed just as shittily and would probably only hurt if you had a knife taped to your shoe.
• Block which consists of Seagal placing both of his hands in front of his midsection, obviously assuming that everyone is like him and can’t throw a kick above knee-level.
• Knife-throw with an infinite supply of throwing knives.
• A FUCKING GUN that just makes you feel like an unfair asshole because you could piss on the enemies mothers and they still would only slightly consider fighting you.

The plot… I’m not so much on. Something about stopping some terrorists and then slamming a fucking Mountain Dew and putting on a whole shit-ton of weight.

WALK THROUGH A WALL...Yeah this game is broke

It isn’t that often that the gaming public is actually spared a shit-fest. Usually even the worst of the worst can somehow slip through the cracks and provide would-be internet journalists material to shit on and send in to their webmaster out of fear of being let go because they’ve been busy doing everything BUT writing for their respective site. Let us all be happy that, while this waste of time and effort was never completed, we were left with a few scraps that serve to show us just how horrible a game can really be. This is probably my favorite abandoned game out there, and I hope you can take the time to sit down with it and share in my amazement with this real treasure.

Deep down, I really wish this game would have hit it big though. Maybe it could have opened doors for further horribly digitized semi-memorable action stars of the 90s games. This was probably my only chance at a proper Brian Bosworth game… what a damn shame.