OMGJeremy

Guide to Birthdays: Annual Reminders of the March Toward Death

As far as I know, it is a universally true fact that every single one of us was, at one point or another, born into this world. Unless we were actually cut out of mother tummies, we have been forced through the loving vaginae of our moms. There was a lot of blood, and tearing of a birth canal or two, screaming and crying and the unpleasant act of cutting the umbilical cord. It’s really a huge traumatic mess for everyone involved in that horrible scene. But we’ve all been there. Thankfully, it is traumatic enough that our tiny infant minds forgot about it immediately, and we have no memory of the event. And, in fact, it was so traumatic to our fragile minds that we didn’t even start actually remembering things for a few years after it, too. Such was the trauma! But your parents didn’t forget. Parents seldom forget, actually. They want to remind you and everyone of your splattering entry onto the earth every single year. These things become tradition pretty quickly. And now most people have birthdays that they celebrate. Some crazy religious nuts don’t choose to celebrate their own personal holiday – and to each their own I suppose. Wait, wait! Why am I rambling so badly already in this first paragraph? I’ll just get on with it.

Ladies and gentlemen, happy birthday.

It Isn’t Your Birthday Today? There’s No One To Blame But Yourself.

The celebration of the human birthday has been going on for 15 million years, which is when the first accurate calendar was invented. Before that day, everyone had to guesstimate and watch the change in the seasons to mark the passage of time. Those poor bastards. But one day, some scientists got together and made the modern calendar and the wheel or whatever, and then the cavemen and cavewomen could circle the date of February 16 every year, to mark the day when dear old Ogg Jr. was born. As I recall, traditions were established quite early on. By the time Ogg Jr, the first Birthday Boy, was four years old, birthday presents were around. And by the time he was seven, there was the sudden and happy appearance of the glorious birthday cake. Since then, of course, we have graduated to ponies, magicians, and piñatas, to name just a few – but in cave times, people really didn’t live past the age of 14 anyway. So they have an excuse. Oh, such simple times.

Enjoy it while you can, assholes

In modern times, however, things just aren’t that simple. People are living a hundred years at a time. That’s a lot of birthdays. Our superior longevity has created problems in the world of birth celebrations. How to keep them entertaining? How to keep the party people interested? Sadly, by the time people are showing the signs of old age, they have lost the will and the want to be happy about being born. The soul-sucking depression of human adult life pretty much kills all thought of being glad to be alive. And the birthday is seen as a torturous reminder of another year lost. But I am getting ahead of myself here, as I so often do.

This article will be an objective glimpse at the world of birthdays, from infanthood to elderlytimes. I may throw in a few hints at how one could make the days more pleasurable; a sort of Do It Yourself family household helpful hint guide, perhaps, like one you might see in a magazine targeted at Family Types. Ha ha! That makes me laugh. The idea of being so helpful to the normal people. Again, I ramble! That’s what you all get for making me write at 2:00 in the morning. Onward!

Babies: Birthday Parties For Everyone Else

For some unknown reason, people throw birthday parties for tiny, tiny babies. Do you think that year old pink wiggly thing will take the time between vomiting all over you and smashing cake into its own hair to pause and reflect on the year it’s had? Do you somehow expect that it will appreciate the streamers all over the place, the cake with one candle and its name on it, and the presence of all of its closest family members? I tell you right now that it will not appreciate all that you’ve done. It will keep on pooping on itself and intermittently screaming at high volumes just like it has done every day up until that point, and will continue to keep doing for some time after. To the baby, his or her birthday is just like any other day, only maybe it might notice that more cameras are going off in its face, which cause it confusion and horrible shriek noises if the flash is close enough.

How does it feel to be getting so old and worthless?!

Really, birthday parties for infants are meant for adults who have functioning think cells. They have an excuse to gather and drink coffee and eat cake. They give gifts to this infant that are really gifts to the parents. Things like clothes and car seats do not interest babies, but they are given anyway. And toys which blink and go moo seem to have the baby’s interest in mind, but really, those things distract it for long enough to give the parents time to relax for a few seconds. Yes, this first set of birthdays is entirely intended for adults to sit around and wonder what they have gotten themselves into. They are early afternoon affairs on the weekends and last only a few hours. But soon, junior will be walking and talking and demanding all of the gifts in the world, and birthdays will never be so simple or happy again!

Elementary School: The Pressure’s On!

I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but, babies grow up. I’m still not 100% sure how it goes, but I think it’s like this: baby is born, sits up, crawls, talks, walks, learns to go in a toilet, throws tantrums for a few years, and then gets over it. When they start getting over it, parents stick them into pre-schools or kindergartens. Once children are about three or four years old, they start understanding what birthdays actually are. They realize that there is this one day out of the year where they get presents like at Christmas, only they are the only ones getting the presents. And they have a cake that has their name on it, and candles which grant wishes. If they have friends, the friends come over with their parents. Siblings and other relatives are also around. Things are quite magical and it’s all for them and they love it. However, the entry into school changes things a little. Stand aside and let me tell you about them.

First a little background: when children enter school, they usually make friends pretty easily. Strangely, five years olds aren’t all frontin’ and trying to be who they aren’t. They’re fairly approachable and honest and would like to be friends with other kids. These first few years are filled with bringing cupcakes to the class on their birthdays, and small weekend parties filled with kids from your class whose parents like the birthday parents. It’s pretty sweet.

This little boy is giving out knotted rope as party favors. His friends and classmates won't judge.

But when you hit Second Grade, everything gets out of hand. When you are eight, you start to feel the social pressures of being a kid in a group of kids. Popularity starts coming into play, and birthday parties are a huge step in securing the social role you will be in for what could be the rest of your life. The parties you throw when you are eight are symptomatic of your personality which is taking shape right before everyone’s watching, judgmental eyes. You could be like me, and not have any parties whatsoever, because you didn’t want to be bothered. Or you could throw those amazing, over-the-top parties with a pony to ride, games to play, magicians performing tricks, clowns shaping balloons – all manner of amazingly fun things. Or, you could be one of those kids who TRIED to throw a big party, but failed miserably. Those kids are sad kids, and they make me cry to this very day. Let’s not talk about those kids anymore.

Besides all of that social pressure that no one but me ever felt, these elementary school years were the best years for birthday parties. You’re old enough to appreciate the fact that you have a special day all to yourself, but young enough to not care about the passage of time. Back then, you WANTED to get older. Also, you aren’t horrified to see your family and friends together in the same place. Ah, to be nine years old again…

Age Ten Through Thirteen: Awkward Parties of Shame

I am aware that this age bracket is different for each person out there, but I am just averaging here. And, contrary to popular belief, I am not a scholar of any type. Especially not on the subject of children. So forgive me if my estimations are a little off.

Enough with the disclaiming! I am just stalling so as to avoid talking about the Nearly Teen Years and their somewhat confused ways of celebrating their own birthdays. This whole “tween” time period is generally one marked by awkwardness and bafflement. Changes are occurring in the mind and in the body. Horrible changes which will probably be touched on in another article in the future. I shouldn’t have used “touched on” for the phrasing there.

Yikes. Maybe kids should just skip their birthdays until they grow out of this phase...

Kids of this age are concerned with upsetting their families, who they are still close to. But they also definitely want to be alone with their friends. This, then, is the ideal time for slumber parties. You can invite your favorite friends over, have a theme party if you so choose. Explain to your friends that your family will “have to be there” for the first part, but then they can stay over for the rest of the night. There will be snacks, and strange games to play like Truth or Dare and Dream Date and whatnot. You will talk late into the night and have lots of fun and strange situations. That is, if you are a girl. I honestly have no idea what boys do at that age. Maybe you all play football all day or something. How the hell should I know? When I was a little kid, boys were a mystery to me, so I don’t have a lot of information to fall back on.

Teenagers: Loud, Obnoxious, Bad Scenes

There comes a time in a young person’s life when they suddenly become shitheaded, selfish little assholes. Well, that’s when they are about three or four years old. But it happens again once the hormones take effect! Teenagers are horrid little creatures who make life difficult for everyone around them, even themselves. They are perpetually misunderstood and sorrowful. They fly off into rages and are usually overwhelmed with Life as they know it. It’s really amazing that they have the motivation to celebrate their birthdays at all!

At this point in their lives, parents and adults are rapidly growing very sick of them. Some families might still have a family gathering with a cake and presents (presents of non-interesting, lamer quality than before, such as clothes you wouldn’t be caught dead in and CDs of a band you were into 3 months ago but have since decided to hate because you heard one of their songs being played by that boy you despise). But these family events occur on a certain day, at a certain time, and you don’t invite your friends. You also mope around and look forward to leaving so that you can hang out with said friends again. Your friends will help you orchestrate your own party, because that’s what friends do for each other.

I had to use the Sims as a demonstration of a teen party because apparently all modern teen parties are just full of lap dances and binge drinkings.

If you aren’t on speaking terms with your own family, you won’t be able to host a party anywhere on their property. Most of the time, this is absolutely fine for the teenager. He or she will then rely on friends to find a suitable location for a party to end all parties. Perhaps a friend of a friend of a friend’s parents will be out for the weekend, maybe another kid you kind of know has “cool” parents (and by “cool,” I of course mean “irresponsible parents who will buy liquor for minors and possibly smoke the marijuana with kids twenty years younger than they are so that they can fit in and be thought of as cool”). Or perhaps a random field has been located. There are many places that teens can make suitable gatherings around, all it takes is a little determination and a lot of disregard for the law – things that most teens have in abundance.

At this age, birthdays are just an excuse to have a party. I mean, usually they don’t need an excuse, but when they can claim that there is a reason for this party this time, it gives everyone a satisfying sense of purpose. Feeling that way is good for the teenaged, who are usually struggling with feelings of inadequacy and coping with self-esteem issues. However, once there, the emphasis isn’t on the birthday so much, there aren’t usually any gifts or anything. Really, all the birthday boy or girl gets is many wishes of happy birthday, if the guests even remember, and maybe occasionally special treatment. Somehow, not being the absolute center of attention is okay for this birthday teen, as they are usually happy enough that they are out of the house and, most likely, doing things that would upset their parents. That is the whole essence of the teenaged birthdays.

Age 18 – 25 or So: Milestones And A Steady Decline

When you turn 18, you are finally a legal adult, at least in America. This is a pretty big deal. Most kids immediately go out and buy cigarettes and lottery tickets, which is very likely a symptom of how they will be spending the rest of their lives. Suddenly that creepy guy who has been ogling at you and licking his lips repeatedly for the past 4 years is legally able to approach you. University looms around the corner and parents are eager to get you out of their house. Changes are occurring all over your life, and your birthday reflects this. The party is very much like all of the other teenaged parties except there is a faint murmur of dread in the back of your mind. A little paranoid voice starts thinking things like, “How many of these kids are minors now? If the police raid us, how much trouble will I be in? I am an adult now, and will be prosecuted as such.” Yes, from that birthday forward, you are a little more worried about Laws and Getting Into Trouble. The responsibility of adulthood makes itself known, and it is what kills the youthful spirit in us all. Some faster than others.

This is it. It's all downhill from here.

Birthdays nineteen and twenty carry on somewhat similarly to the eighteenth, except that it normally involves fellow college students, or, if you chose not to attend school, college-aged kids and coworkers. Underaged drinking is heavily featured, and more than a few kids each year are busted by Johnny Law on their birthdays. However, the twenty-first birthday party is a wonder unto itself. Finally able to drink legally, most people go into a bar determined to have twenty one shots of liquordrink. Most usually, they fail miserably and spend their monumental birthday puking their life out on a public restroom floor. Their first full day of being twenty-one is spent with an awful hangover and wishes of death. Welcome to full-fledged adulthood, there is now nothing new to look forward to, unless you are waiting for the day when you can be elected as President sometime in your 30s.

The next few years are spent having parties that get progressively smaller, with closer friends and more rampant alcoholism. You find yourself drinking not to have fun, but to forget. By this time, you have been working several years, or have graduated or flunked out of college. You are noticing the harsh realities of the rest of your life, and you are starting to feel depressed. Many of you, in order to alleviate these horrible feelings, have already started families of your own. When you have kids, your own birthday is never as fun anymore, because birthdays are a young person’s game. Children give their parents atrocious gifts and maybe a card or something. But if you are one of us who don’t really care to start a family, you are faced with the increasing dullness of each birthday which eventually turns to dread of the next one. This brings us to the age bracket of late twenties to late thirties…

Twenty-Nine to Thirty-Nine: This Wasn’t How Things Were Supposed To Be

By the time you reach your late twenties, your depressing era of birthdays is in full swing. You might still be brave enough to expect small family get-togethers. Your aging parents probably still would like you to have presents and a cake. But did you notice my wording? I said “get-togethers,” not “parties.” There will be no decorations or effort put into this. Maybe you’ll get a store bought cake, without your name. Your elderly parents may be able to spare $25 cash to give you in a card. Mostly you will get hugs and sympathies, and you will probably cry yourself to sleep that night.

Maybe your pets will celebrate your birthday. Everyone else is too busy to be interested.

This is when the midlife crises start. You begin to age noticeably. Lines and wrinkles and saggy skin where it was once young, vital, and taut. You are most likely in a rut and full of regret. And each passing birthday reminds you of how far you’ve come in life and how little you’ve actually done. It begins to sink in that you are no longer even remotely young, and you can never, ever be again. These thoughts don’t exactly put you in the partying spirit, naturally, and your family knows it. That is why they usually tastefully leave you alone for the most part. They still have to acknowledge it, of course, because you still like the attention. Don’t worry. That will change in a few years.

Age 40 Until, Say, 65 Or So: Ignoring It Doesn’t Make It Go Away

You’re getting older, and older, and older. By this point, if you’ve had kids, they are starting to have kids of their own, too. You are becoming grandparent-aged. Retirement from your dead end career looms large. Your body is decaying and needs expensive prescription medication. You are coming to grips with the fact that you are on your life’s decline right now. It’s the last lap. But, at least you are understanding it. Some of you may even be looking forward to the sweet release that death brings, such is the difficulty of your life. Birthdays become meaningless trivialities, and you wish that people would just forget about it. And you aren’t bluffing this time like you did in your thirties.

Looks like you are having a better birthday than most dads your age, Pops.

In all likelihood, your own parents will be dead at this point. Your spouse or ex-spouse probably won’t care or remember that it is your birthday. And, as stated earlier, children don’t give good presents to their parents, even when they are adults. Part of the reason this happens is because they don’t really care. But another reason is that you have had a lifetime of accumulating gifts and junk you’ve wanted. So, if you are unlucky, and people just refuse to not think about your birthday, if they insist that they pay attention to it, you may get some garbage you didn’t ever want. Maybe you’ll get yet another cheap pocket knife, or an ugly tie, or one of those hats that carries beer in it. I guarantee that you will only sigh in the end.

When you are getting silver-haired, you may start enjoying birthdays again. That is, if you are a sap. At that point, you will be delighted when your children bring over their newborn children. Grandparents tend to dote on their grandkids, and very often their mere presence will be present enough. You will be thankful and humble and, if you had a cake with candles on it, you would very likely wish for things like continued good health or for your children and grandchildren to lead happy lives and for them to be taken care of and watched over after you’re gone. You’ll be a morbid old person because I think all old people are automatically. But at least at this point, you are still mobile and independent.

Insanely Old, Brittle, Mindless Birthdays

By the time you are massively deteriorating, birthdays once again play an important role in your life. As in elementary school, the size and enthusiasm surrounding your birthday clues the other elderlies in the Home of how much you are loved, revered, and honored, and thus – how outrageously jealous they should be of you. You start wanting Family Reunions to surround your birthdate, so that you can have 500 relatives you barely know greeting you and wishing you a grand birthday. Several generations of people will be there, and most of them will be able to recognize you to wish you well. Your children, their children, their children’s children, and THEIR children’s children will make their appearances, washed up and scrubbed and representing you very well.

There will be a large sized cake in your name. There may even be gifts, but I have no idea what people would buy the elderly. Perhaps contained in those boxes on my grandma’s 91st birthday party were a year’s supply of denture cream. I am not sure. But presents ARE around. And when you are so elderly, you begin viewing each successive birthday as a triumph over nature. Gone are the days when you dread the passage of time. Now, it becomes a true celebration. You’re alive! By god, you are ALIVE! You may have holes in your kidneys, a skeleton which shatters at random, and the cancer – but that doesn’t keep you from gloating over the fact that despite all the odds – you are still alive.

Sadly, there aren’t usually clowns and magicians at the elderly birthday event – a fact I think should change as soon as possible. Everyone loves entertainment, and there are usually small children there anyway, because elderly people feel deeply satisfied to see themselves living on forever. It’s some strange breeder idea that I find quite unsettling, personally. Mostly, what happens is that everyone is bored but pretending not to be. They are also pretending to be happy to see all of these people that they absolutely hate. But everyone sucks it up and attends anyway, just in case this is the last birthday you’ll ever have. All of the elderly people sit around in their wheelchairs like royalty, and they talk about their bowels, lumbago, and the fates of the less fortunate geriatrics they know from their Homes. It’s a very super morbid event to everyone but the very old. They seem to thrive on such terrible news.

But then, there are the very very very old people. The ones who really can’t get out of their nurse-assisted beds. The ones who can’t move and who closely resemble wet tissues. These elderly people are usually also not in their right minds. In these cases, when they are usually in their hundreds of years olds, a small clutch of their closest family members visit and talk to them and make them feel loved for one afternoon out of the year. This type of birthday party closely resembles that of the very very young baby except instead of feeling happy at the new life, everyone is feeling rather depressed to see death so closely in the face. If you can still think at all, you are wondering along with everyone else just how much longer you can live. At this point, if you can still view things, birthdays are viewed in a very detached manner that is mostly flavored with thoughts of death.

Then, you die.

Sigh.

Wow, Birthdays Make Me Want To Cry Now

So, there you have it. All of you young people better enjoy your birthdays while you can, because they are only going to get more horrible as each year passes, unless you make a real focused effort on being positive about it, or are taking vast amounts of Thorazine to soothe your psychotic episodes. And everything I generalized in this article is universally true, of course. There are no exceptions among any of us. I am turning twenty-five within a month here [edit: as of this posting, I will be turning 32 next month oh god oh god], so I’m going to have to start cutting myself. The pain will be the only plus-side to my otherwise steady decline into wretchedness. Sigh. Happy birthday, indeed.