OMGJeremy

When I Grow Up: The Crushing Realization That You Have Achieved NOTHING

Have you ever awoken in the middle of the night to find yourself soaked in a cold sweat, your heart racing and your breath almost impossible to catch?  If you did and it was because you ate 3 Hardees’ burgers the previous night, that doesn’t count.  However, if you have ever found yourself in that position and you aren’t completely negligent of your health, ask yourself something.  Ask yourself, “What put me in this place?”

What wakes you up in the middle of the night?  What is causing that crushing feeling in your chest, as if some mischievous cherubs hover over you placing invisible rocks on to your sternum in a game of Who Will Place The Rock That Kills Him?  Is it the mourning of a loved one?  Is it regret over a lost love due to you royally fucking up like you always do?  Just what is it that awakens you from your slumber and reminds you that there truly is no escape from the real world?

For me, it is the eternally crushing realization that even though I have had some moderate success in my life, I have in all actuality achieved nothing.  I have a good paying job that I do well, I have a family that loves me, and I do not have any real money struggles, but is that really enough?  Is that enough to qualify my life as a success?  I think not.  Even the average uneducated oaf could lumber his way into a job that provides enough money to cover his expenses.  That is nothing for me to take pride in, nor should it be for you.  As far as having a family that loves you, shit.  Some folks can beat and verbally dissect their loved ones and they still care for them.  Considering having the love of your family as an accomplishment is like patting yourself on the back for breathing.  Should friends be a measure of success?  Fuck no.  Friends are merely people who can stand being around you now, but people are fickle and given one wrong move on your part and they are out the door and deleting you off their Facebook, which apparently serves as the modern day Worst Possible Punishment Ever.

What I am saying is that most of the common things we consider as measuring sticks for what “success” really is, should not be at all.  They are things easily achieved by anyone regardless of education, temperament, or setting.  The things you treasure in your life are just like a shit.  We all have them, we all lose them (sometimes more painfully than others), and we all get them back again soon enough.  Yes, I pretty much just said that your money, friends, and family are nothing but shit.  Does that make you angry?  I hope so, because maybe you can use that anger to go out there and actually start doing something worthwhile with your life.

What Does Matter?

Nothing.  I have come to the conclusion that there is no true success in life.  What one considers to be their level of success is merely the point where that person is happy settling.  Now you might be calling me out on bullshit right now.  You might point to your big house, your fancy cars, your trophy wife, your kids with their less-and-less-secret cocaine habits, and tell me that you have truly achieved.  Fuck you.  Just remember that deep down inside you probably still long for more.  That promotion you didn’t get, or that girl that got away.  You didn’t strike it big in life, you are just comfortable giving up trying.

Poor man.

Love:  F It

I think most people would throw up the universal lie of “Money doesn’t matter” and that the love of their partner means more to them.  Last I recall, the love of a partner doesn’t pay your damn bills.  Well, unless they love you enough to go down to the truck-stop and suck off some filth-encrusted dicks for some cash that they could in turn give to you to pay the bills.  You can use whatever money is left over to pay for your shots.

A common example of true success when it comes to love is the elderly couple who started off as high-school sweethearts.  They met when they were 16 or so, got married by 18, and now as their lives slowly begin to fade everyone looks at them and “awws” at how great it must be and how truly blessed they both are.  Makes me sick.

That little shattered cinder is what remains of his heart, friends.

They aren’t lucky, they aren’t blessed, and they damn sure ain’t happy.  They both lived their entire lives wanting to rid themselves of each other and wanting to fuck the hell out of many other people.  Why didn’t they?  They were too scared.  Scared because they got into a damned routine.  There comes a time in a relationship when you have been together so long that you stop LOVING your partner and you start loving your comfortable little routine.  One cooks for the other, or the other brings home the money, etc.  You establish a comfort zone with another person and the longer you are with them the harder it is to leave because you don’t want to stick even a precious little toe out of that comfort zone.  You don’t love the individual anymore, you just love that it makes your life a little less complicated.

So you’ll fuck each other over the years just because you are human.  Just because your male urges keep pushing you to stick your penis into SOMETHING that isn’t your own well-oiled hand.  Though sometimes that will do just fine, and you find that over the years both of you are becoming increasingly more pleased with just masturbating alone to the thoughts or images of ANYBODY BUT your partner.  Just be glad you live in a time where porn is free and easy to access.

So when I say we are all failures, don’t throw your relationship up in my face.  For all you know I may have done your wife, since she is probably like every other human-being and is a cheating whore.

Ain’t No Value in Family

WHILE you are busy pity-fucking one another, chances are you’ll spawn once or twice.  This is either due to two reasons:

1. You fucked up.
2. One or both of you have fallen victim to that imaginary “biological clock” business.

There is no such thing.  It is all in your head.  Besides, if you are spitting out a life into the world just because you think you are getting old, you are already well on the way to being a shit parent.  Now I’m not trashing being a parent.  There are joys to it.  I’m just saying that, in keeping with the theme of the article, there is absolutely no measure of success in being one.  Time after time I see people posting on Facebook about how amazing their child is, how happy they are, how lucky they are, and going on and on as if they are the only people in the world that have working reproductive organs.  To some, being a mother or father is the greatest success in life.

Boy, I’m glad I’m not some people.

Keep in mind that what you accomplished has been accomplished by:

Crackheads, drunks, rapists, child molesters, 12 year olds, Republicans, white trash, 95% of the line at Social Services, and all other lower forms of human life.

I call this one "Accidentally Too Well-Spoken."

Welcome to the club, pal.  Enjoy being a parent, take care of your kids, but don’t think you have something that even closely resembles a good life because of them.

Should I Give Up?

It depends.  If you think you can live with regret, despair, and self-hatred go right ahead.  You’ll never really be happy but maybe you can piece together a life that keeps you from loading your gun every day.  If you can live that way I tell you to go right ahead.

But for some of us, we will never admit that defeat.  We will always be in search.  We will continue to make strides, move ahead, and fuck up time and time again in the name of living a better life and finding true happiness and success.  The real joke is that we are reaching for a ring that isn’t there.  It is a concept, and not a real thing.  We are running a race without a finish line.  Our relationships will crumble when we think we have found someone better, we’ll work way too hard at our job so we can get a 1% raise, and we will spend money on items and comforts that we think really improve our quality of life and improve how others look at us.

We will keep pushing ourselves toward an impossible goal. We will keep killing ourselves with stress and hard work well before our time.  But when you realize just how much of life has to do with failure and unhappiness, that doesn’t seem like such a horrible thing to do.