Yesteryear’s Articles TODAY! featuring: The Sensational World of British Tabloids
If you waltz through life without an ounce of subtlety in anything you do, you’ll no doubt be in the target audience of Britain’s world famous tabloids. That – along with functional illiteracy – make up the core demographics of what the English affectionately call “Red Tops,” named as such because your eyes spray blood when you read them.
The news is something they’ve always taken very seriously. Ever since the invention of the printing press, newspapers have captured the British imagination, lighting up their mental sky. Then came the inventions of silicone and size 72 font. Tabloids quickly burst onto the scene, replacing the sky with a twinkling cosmos of coked-out models and then stuffing the British imagination into a woodchipper.
But before the written word hangs itself, I thought I might take this time to teach you how to put together one of these rags in a proper fashion.
“IF YOU CAN READ THIS WE HAVEN’T MADE IT BIG ENOUGH”
Littered among the 5000 other dailies, you’re going to have to do you best to stand out from the crowd. Enormous, sensational headlines are about the only way to distract the palsied mongoloids from their Scratch ‘n’ Wins. And even that’s getting harder and harder to do. Tabloid readers have become desensitized to the point where if a story involves less than THREE (3) headless hookers in the trunk of a hatchback, it’s not worth putting down your nail file to read.
If you’re wondering what level of tastefulness to use in creating headlines, let me try describing it to you.
This could be hard though since you can’t see me.
This is about the level of a respectable newspaper. (I am holding my hand at neck-height.) Next, this is the level of a cable news channel. (I have lowered it down to my stomach.) Finally, this is the level of your average tabloid. (I am on my hands and knees, desperately scratching at the floor like a lemming).
Ergo, while “SHUT’CHER GOB YOU TIT” would be a confusing and inappropriate headline for the Washington Post or even, say, the Hobo Gazette, feel free to lace your pages with the same kinds of almost-words and sorta-sentences that our friends seem so fond of.
I suppose it also seems advisable to get yourself a partisan sugardaddy. Whereas American news sources make some flimsy pretense of being balanced, British tabloids pride themselves on being unbalanced, both politically and mentally. Your job as a party shill includes doing damage control and other assorted flattery. So those three headless hookers in Politician X’s hatchback were really NAZIS BENT ON DESTROYING THE WORLD. And that hatchback was actually a JAGUAR.
I’VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS
Sure they let tits fly in the UK but THIS INTERNET AIN'T THE UK, KIDS.
The innocuous front page of your paper should, ideally, give way to a jugarama of fantastically erotic proportions. British tabloids long ago jettisoned good taste like a frightened octopus, so don’t be afraid attach nudity to each and every story you can. It doesn’t matter if it’s about the Queen’s colostomy or a 1.5% interest rate hike by the Bank of England – the first rule of Boob Club is BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS.
For reference, set your binoculars on the Sun’s “Page 3” girls. Don’t be discouraged by their girth though – when it comes to bust size, the sky is literally the limit.
That is about what you should be aiming for. Don’t forget that these golden airbags also serve the purpose of distracting readers from the more, uh, glaring deficiencies of your writing habits. Run-on sentences? No worries! Those typos in the Prime Minister’s name? It’s okay! That article you wrote by holding down the ‘h’ key for 10 minutes? Hang ten, dude!
Since the Sun, along with the Star, lead the pack when it comes to tits, maybe you’ll want to continue with the space theme and name your paper the Black Hole or something. Wait, no! You don’t want it confused with the Mirror.
“SIMON COWELL TO DIANA’S CORPSE: SOD OFF YOU MINGING BITCH!”
Britain’s adoring fascination with celebrity, however banal, is legendary. And we’re not even talking about your standard B-list fare. No, tabloids long ago dug past the Z-list and had to switch to the Hebrew alphabet to classify the human seaweed that routinely graces their pages. For instance, whereas Big Brother reached its peak in the rest of the world years ago, in Britain it forever howls on and on like a symphony of disoriented monkeys – with the tabloids delightedly hurling them bananas all the while.
Yet in spite of the seeming randomness of fame in England, there’s still a pretty simple hierarchy to the celebs and situations that stir up the most shame:
8. Charles Kennedy still
7. Basically anyone from Pop Idol and assorted reality shows
6. Katie “Jor-“LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME”-dan” Price
5. George Galloway
4. Jodie Marsh
3. The Beckhams
2. Jade Fucking Goody
1. The Royal Family8. Alcoholism
7. Public lewdness
6. Brit Awards fiasco (usually in conjunction with 8 and 7…possibly 5 too)
5. Pederasty
4. Botched boobjob
3. Sex scandal
2. Assassination
1. Sexssassination
Your goal as a tabloid writer is simply to look for the combinations that maximize scandal potential, so try to think of it all as a giant game of Scrabble. Match that Q up with the Triple Letter Square for BIG BIG POINTS! Actually, that’s a pretty shitty analogy since Scrabble players are familiar with dictionaries and generally keep their clothes on, but you get the gist of it.
Oh, and be vigilant. When a story about the Queen’s sexssassination or Charles Kennedy’s botched boobjob comes rolling around, you gotta jump on that thing like a bat out of hell and push it for months . If you can somehow tie in Camilla Parker Bowles, that seems to earn you even more bonus points. Pimp that rotting shar-pei like the 24 karat tabloid gold she is!
“THE DAILY BLACK HOLE: WE MAKE YOUR PENIS THE MAGNETIC OPPOSITE OF VAGINA AND DIAMONDS”
It’s hard to compete against papers that are so confident of themselves. The Star bills itself as “Simply the Best,” while the Mirror calls itself “The Best Newspaper on the Web” and the Express’ motto is “The World’s Greatest Newspaper.” There must be something about slam-dunking your dignity into the garbage can that makes them compensate with overwrought slogans. So come up with your own equally spurious title and you’re all set!
May you enlighten the masses.
