Hey guys, remember Spawn? Remember how any single issue of his comic contained enough teen angst for at least four Linkin Park albums combined? Yeah he was really popular for a few years in the nineties when that angsty stuff was sorta new and IN YOUR FACE. Now he just comes off as that one guy you avoid on the bus at all costs, because if you happen to have to sit next to him then get ready to hear a year’s worth of sadness and pain in just a little over ten minutes. And much more exposure than that will have you cancelling the rest of your plans for the week just so you can sit in an empty bathtub and stare at your hands. Yeah that was pretty much Spawn. Spawn sucked.
Video games! He had video games. Of course he did. Luckily his games were far less dark and moody, and just a lot of plain awful. Today’s particular game being probably the single worst offender, which is saying a lot. Released at a time when Tomb Raider was all the rage, it only made sense to put Spawn into a third-person action/adventure, too. It made sense, but that doesn’t mean it should have ever happened. Quite on the contrary. What you ended up getting was a giant, hulking Spawn character, endlessly running forward into the blockiest polygon world ever created outside of Minecraft. How bad could it be? HA HA HA:
Spawn is the first offender. Everyone knows his design is much closer to Spiderman. Spawn got a bit bulkier in the comics, but the game seems to have simply forgotten to ever look at a Spawn comic book, and instead went for the most muscley-looking superhero build you could ever imagine. And let’s not forget the “iconic” Spawn cape. Early builds of the game had him completely without a cape on. Fans saw the previews and went apeshit because, you know, people gave a shit about Spawn at some point. This alarmed the developers since they had no idea how to code an actual video game, and instead opted to throw in the single worst cape ever created, BUT ONLY WHILE YOU FOUGHT PEOPLE. Once Spawn gets done fighting a guy, the cape magically vanishes. I don’t know. Spawn sucks.
Oh wait, I forgot you’re supposed to play this game. At this point the game only gets worse. Controlling Spawn is like pushing a semi truck through a tunnel twice as small as the semi. It’s okay though, since you’ll mostly be running forward, punching empty boxes, and occasionally jumping. At certain points, bad guys will mindlessly stumble around until you punch them in the face. This is where the game decides it not only wants be a really bad Tomb Raider game, but it also wants to be a REALLY bad fighting game. Pressing buttons will turn the game into the gaming equivalent of torture porn, as everything happening on screen is only happening to hurt you until you pass out, or turn the game off. Do yourself a favor and just turn it off.
Spawn sucks. And so does this game.
Jeremy is a quiet, steadily mortified man hailing from Indianapolis.
Contact him this way: firstname.lastname@example.org (hint: it’s email)