Movie Review: Twin Angels Pt.1
It’s hentai movie review time again, kids. I honestly never thought I’d ever be writing so many of these. Mostly because you can only write about so many hentai movies before you start to sound as if you are repeating yourself over and over again. This is not any fault of my general writing skills (those are best left unmentioned), but mostly because every single hentai movie is virtually the same. If you’ve ever watched much hentai at all, then you already know this is true, which is why I never really wrote much more on the subject (and by looking at the last time this site was updated, much of any subject period). But being that it is a new year I figured I could at least find time every now and again to review a few hentai movies, no matter how God awful and brain impairing they may very well be, which gives a perfect segue to today’s wonderful piece of modern animation.
Twinangel does not need much of an introduction, because not surprisingly it follows the same script every other hentai movie ever made has followed. Yes it’s time to pull out the random grab bag of hentai plot scenarios, pick a few, then blend well with just enough tentacles and schoolgirl breasts to keep the viewer from falling into a coma before it ends. Twinangel is no exception, as it follows the formula better than perfect, and we end up with a plot that is almost as bad as anything you could ever imagine, just with worse voice acting.
It seems all is not well in a small girl’s High School in Japan, as recently it appears more than a few teachers and students are being kidnapped by unknown forces that use penis-like appendages to have badly animated sex with their victims. Of course it just so happens the school is also home to two virgin high school girls who for some reason possess mystical powers that can stop these demons cold in their tracks every single time, or until the animators run out of funds and are forced to end the movie. The girl’s job is made even harder considering that their school also houses a twelve year old boy that just happens to be the demon prince, and unbeknownst to him, it’s time for him to undergo his passage into manhood as a demon prince. This causes quite a stir up in the demon world, as suddenly the demons must kidnap him before the ceremony so that they can turn him into a horrible horny demon, even moreso than he is now. Will the demons succeed? Or will our two heroines be able to save him by using the most idiotic plot devices of all time? I think we both know the answer to that.
The movie starts off innocently enough as we join several cute teacher/priests walking in a quiet forest. This of course is the perfect set up for the mandatory first hentai scene in the movie, as it is a now solid rule that you must have some form of sex and nudity before the opening credits of a hentai movie. This holds true here, as suddenly we see one of those oh so common Japanese daylight eclipses that almost certainly indicates demon shenanigans are afoot. Before we have time to contemplate hitting the stop button on our remote, we see several slug-like tentacles grab our fair maidens and drag them off to the demon pleasure world, which upon first sight does not appear very pleasurable, and mostly consists of a red spraypainted background.
Once there, the women are of course nude, and meet our resident bad demon, who I will refer to as penis head, for the simple fact that his head is made up of several hundred penises. Once penis head introduces himself to the screaming yet obviously open-minded women, it is then time to commence tentacle sex as penis head finally answers our nagging question as to what exactly he was going to use those tentacles for anyway. This goes on for a few minutes until the animators realize they can no longer repeat any more frames of animation and have to cue in the dramatic entrance of our two virgin heroes to save the day and give a nice intro to the opening title, which for some reason looks really fucking cheap.
Before we go any further, I’d like to make a comment on the overall quality of the voice dubbing in this movie. Unfortunately for me, this movie has been dubbed into the English language, and if you watch much anime at all, let alone bad anime, then you already know just how bad voice acting can get. Twinangel continues this fine heritage as having some of the most God awful voice acting ever recorded into a film. While I can say it is not quite up to the horrendous levels set by Venus 5′s English dubbing, I can safely say that it made me question the voice actors’ talent files more than a few times during the movie. Unfortunately I am unable to record voice samples for you to listen to, but to imagine how it sounds, go find your sister and ask her to read this line:
“I must stop the satanic sex orgy before I become a sexual feast for the bloodthirsty demons.”
If she does not run away screaming before she finishes the sentence, you will have a very good idea as to what Twinangel sounds like. This is not even mentioning one of the most laughable orgasmic screams of all time, which at one point, caused me permanent ear damage, or the laughable, “oh yes” the mushroom man says later on. So to put it simply, don’t go into Twinangel thinking you will get a dramatic ensemble of voice talent, but somehow I doubt that’s what you wanted when you downloaded it anyway. Now let’s get back to the review, which I think was about a movie called Twinangel.
After our seminal opening credits is finished blaring its theme music into our souls, we are treated to a serene and casual High School setting. It’s not like the animators could follow up the amazing action that took place with anything approaching that quality, so instead it’s time to start dragging the plot out just long enough to get to the next nudity scene, which will no doubt involve this demon… err woman.
As two schoolgirls stare in awe at her sheer beauty, we are all left wondering as to what role a large breasted, pale skinned, slightly evil woman is up to in an all girls high school filled with virgins. It simply boggles the mind. This is quickly remedied however when our pale skinned woman lady decides to jump around some electricity and burn her hand by touching a plant that is blessed with weird priestess powers. This of course is trying to tell us that she is in fact a demon and is up to no good. But just what is she up to? Why has she gone to all this trouble to come all the way to the real world and become an attractive teacher? We will soon see, but I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that we need at least one erotic lesbian scene in the movie.
Meanwhile, our young demon prince is currently confined to one of the rooms in the high school. This does not sit well with a feisty demon prince who wants to play with a campus full of attractive young women, so he decides it is time to run away, even if it is not in the best interest of his large oafish babysitter. Our oafish friend has little choice of trying to keep him there however, as his efforts are sidetracked once the demon prince kicks him several times in the lungs and tries to chew off a large portion of his face. With his new found freedom the demon prince decides it’s time to go and do what he does best, which is mostly running around and being thrown into small ponds. But first he decides he should pay a visit to his two best friends, our heroines, who just so happen to be going to their next class with a brand new demon-like teacher as their sub.
Crappy foreshadowing aside, our two heroines are actively wondering as to who could possibly be their new teacher for their poetry class. Little do they know that their new teacher does not particularly care for poetry at all, and is instead trying to recruit enough virgins for the demon world’s satanic secret sex ceremony (this is the actual name used in the movie btw) which will be used for our now missing demon prince after they kidnap him. But I’m getting ahead of myself as I sometimes do when I am trying to finish an article about a movie featuring a satanic secret sex ceremony. Once our girls are all settled into class and suitably amazed by their new beautiful demon teacher, she begins class by making tea for her students. But not just any tea of course. This tea is designed to not soothe and eradicate your body of bad vibes, but instead seems to be made specifically to make young girls masturbate. Ingenious!
Of course it’s only a matter of time before our girls realize something is not right and begin groping and grabbing themselves in the most inappropriate of places. The teacher mentions that it is indeed very hot in the classroom and that it would perhaps help the girls if they removed some of their clothes. Also, to make them feel better, she says she will join them. This offer finally tips off our two heroines that something just isn’t right about this class session and decide to do something about it, just as soon as she can get her partner to stop masturbating. Our two heroines are supposed to be very strong in the virgin arts, and are able to resist the demon worlds evil sexual weapons of pleasure (this is btw, the actual plot description) which gives them the edge when it comes to being able to kill demons with supernatural powers. Unfortunately for them, the demon sex tea seems to be rather powerful and is taking its toll, as is apparent by the rest of the class, which is now nothing more than one giant masturbating orgy of nakedness. Now would probably not be a good time for your mom to walk into your room offering you cookies.
The orgy of shitty production values continues until our young demon prince decides to crash the party looking for our two heroines. You can imagine his suprise when he suddenly and unwittingly walks right into a room full of naked girls groping themselves, and right into the hands of the demons who were planning to kidnap him. Since he has already done their job of finding him for them, there is only one thing left for the demons to do, and that is to have tentacle sex. Our pale skinned teacher calls on the aid of her giant mushroom man thing to help cover her while she is busy kidnapping the young boy, and dodging the attacks of the one heroine who is not actively shoving her fist in her crotch. The mushroom man stops our heroines meaningless attacks and of course wraps her up with tentacles before she has a chance to do much about anything. Meanwhile her partner continues to grab herself, gleefully unaware that much more important things are currently happening. But before mushroom man has a chance to do what he does best with those tentacles, his plans are foiled by the prince’s oafish babysitter and a few priestess women who discover what’s going on and somehow stop the demons by throwing flower stems at them. Don’t ask me, I’m just a spectator myself.
It seems that earlier our oafish friend went and told the heroines’ grandma (one of those ancient old mystical ladies that knows everything, but only admits they did until after it’s happened) where she suddenly recalled that the demon secret sex orgy party thing was scheduled for that night, and that letting the young prince run off and get kidnapped was probably not in the best interest of this world’s safety. She also goes on to explain just what the demon prince is, and why they are watching him, which I would explain in detail if I cared, which I don’t. Once they add two and two together, they agree that they should definitely go save the young prince, and do whatever else they can with such limited camera time.
After they successfully fend off mushroom man’s attack and see that our heroines are safe and just unclothed enough to still warrant interest in watching them, they head off to find our young prince, even though we all know this will have to wait until episode two, as the allotted thirty minutes are running down fast. After they run into the forest for a few minutes, they realize this themselves, and grab our heroines to take them back to their grandma’s dojo to be nursed back to health with her anti-demon sex drug medicine. After they are coherent enough to understand what has just happened, they immediately spring to action, only to also realize the episode is over and running it any further would surely cause several animators to be beaten severely.
And so ends this episode of Twinangel. I don’t know about you, but the suspense is killing me as to what will happen to our young prince and our two heroines. Will the demons succeed in converting him over to the demon pleasure world? Or can our two heroines throw enough flower stems to intimidate the demons and cause them to flee? That is of course what I would be saying if I had not already seen the entire movie, and for that matter actually cared. As for the rest of you, you’ll just have to wait until part 2 to find out the awful, awful truth and the amazing plot twists and engaging storyline that simply does not exist anywhere, but at the very least I guarantee you’ll be seeing more than a couple of sex scenes recycled from the first episode, and more gratuitous cheaply drawn nudity than you could ever projectile vomit at. But until then, you know the drill:
TO BE CONTINUED!
