Monday Flashback: Sex Tips from a Semi-Pro
submitted by Brad
Over the many millions of years that man has existed, there have been great questions surrounding his existence, his purpose, and his insatiable sex drive. Many scientists believe all life-forms simply exist to procreate and spread their seed to the far reaches of the universe. This however does not explain a few things. Things like homosexuality, masturbation (unless this is a behavior carried over from our days as single-celled organisms that reproduced asexually), and the various ways we prevent pregnancy, which doesn’t really groove with what Mr. Scientist says… But in the end, the truth is that human beings exist to fuck, not for procreation or the good of humanity. Humans fuck for mere pleasure. Why? Well, in the following paragraphs I intent to explain the “why and how” of sex, and will attempt to make you a sex machine able to fulfill the erotic needs of the male of female in your life in the process. Yes I’m going to fail, but give me credit, I’m drunk.
The G-Spot:
You know how your wife, girlfriend, or regular prostitute is always complaining about how you suck in bed? It’s because you can’t find the Golden Chalice that is the G-Spot. The G in G-Spot stands for “gross” as in it is the most disgusting part of the female anatomy. It tastes bad, it feels bad, and most likely a picture of it would scare small children into a state of perpetual shock, which would be followed by countless years of therapy, and their inevitable suicide. And I would guess that 99% of the eventual suicides would not be from simply knowing about the G-Spot, but from simply trying to find the God fucking damn thing.
This is a glimpse of my on-going effort to understand the horrid female form.
Unfortunately for you, the G-Spot is the only way you can make your significant other scream daddy in bed, unless you happen to be a loaded rap star, or sexually confused Backstreet Boy. The G-Spot is not exactly simple to find, so let me guide you to it. While she is sleeping, insert two fingers, palm up, into her vaginal cavity. About 2 to 3 inches in you will feel a ‘spongy’ (or ‘icky’) feeling tissue, this, my friends, is the G-spot. Rubbing it will cause them to ooze a horrible liquid from their vagina, so be prepared to vomit from the smell. Another unfortunate fact for us heterosexual men is the fact that licking the G-Spot causes women even more pleasure, and although they might be too embarrassed to ask, it’s what they want you to do. You can however coat your mouth with a chocolate syrup, or thick caramel topping to neutralize the taste.
Some even speculate that men have a G-Spot, and there are various areas on the body that rubbing will cause heightened sexual pleasure. This is utter bullshit.
The Anus:
Although some of you are too ashamed to admit it, I personally am not. The Anus rules! Every guy wants to put his dick in a girl’s ass. Girls, after the pain and bleeding stop, really like anal sex, and guys, even heterosexual men love getting their asses fingered and licked. Don’t be afraid, we all love the anus. I hear Jeremy especially loves the anus, and who could blame him. He *is* a webmaster after all.
The dirtiest asterisk.
Now telling your lover that you want to fuck them up the butt is not the easiest thing in the world. Unless your girlfriend is a huge slut, or has no self-esteem whatsoever, she will probably decline your proposal to insert your erect penis into her virgin asshole. You have a few options to consider if this happens. You can get rid of her and her selfish ways and find a girl that’s a bit more willing and self-deprecating. Or, while pleasuring her you can also stick a finger in her ass until she realizes she likes it. You can ‘accidentally’ slip it in.
Let Him Cum On You:
Girls, you always get so pissy when a guy wants to release his load all over her face after a good blow job. Sure it’s not the best smelling, or tasting, thing in the world, but do we complain about having to eat your fish-smelling pussy out? Not all the time.
As with most liquids - avoid getting in eyes.
Okay, so men love to belittle, humiliate, and deface their sexual partners, but it is human nature. It’s like marking our territory. It proves how much we value you. So the next time your man says, “I’m jizzing on your face bitch,” simply kneel, open your mouth, and patiently wait for him to drip his man seed all over you.
Talking Dirty:
There is no better way to express ourselves in bed than shouting out obscenities and degrading comments. When you’re fucking, anything goes, and the nastier the better. Call her a “stupid fucking cunt,” call him “master.” Whatever gets your partner off.
Do you see this? Do you see what I did here? What this represents?
Why Japanese schoolgirls are the best to have sex with:
1. It is almost absolutely impossible to have sex with a Japanese schoolgirl unless you plan on raping them, which according to Hentai movies, happens about 10 thousand times a day. But usually by a tentacle creature. However, since you are probably not a tentacle creature (although there is really no way I can confirm that) then the likelihood of you having sex with a Japanese schoolgirl is about 1 in 67 trillion (and those figures are exact). This is what really make the Japanese Schoolgirl such a prize, her virginity is worth more than Bill Gates, which is probably why he hasn’t gotten laid by a Japanese Schoolgirl yet. If he had the money, he would have probably bought one and kept her as his sex slave in some top secret underground facility that was guarded by the powers of Satan. Actually I am quite certain Bill Gates does have a few sex slaves in that fortress guarded by the powers of Satan, but I can assure you that it is not possible for them to be Asian Schoolgirls, because the purity that they hold would counteract Bill Gates’ Satanic Power and turn it into goodness. And then they would vanquish him with their moon prism power. Wow I have gotten really off topic.
I’m not even sure what I was talking about but yeah, Japanese Schoolgirls’ virginity is extremely rare to take and is one of the reasons it is better to have sex with a Japanese Schoolgirl.
2. Japanese schoolgirls are usually short. The Japanese people themselves are usually not very tall, and the girls are especially short. Although it’s Pedophilia either way for you (unless you are under 18 years of age), for a girl that short, and so young-looking you might as well pretend she’s 11 or 13 while you’re having sex with her. And hey, that might appeal to you more. But that’s just one of the pluses for going with the Japanese Schoolgirl.
Look at her. So soft and pure. I sure would like to lock her in my bathroom.
3. The Japanese culture is extremely reserved, although true they have a strange way of censoring things there, and they have a very perverse side to their society, young people having sex is still frowned upon. This is one of the reasons it’s so difficult to have sex with a Japanese schoolgirl, but thankfully their society is also bent on making girls obedient and to be taught to serve the man. So it probably is possible to coerce them into sleeping with you, but highly doubtful since you are some strange weird 40 year-old man. You can probably expect them to break down and cry begging with you to stop in the middle of sex, because of the shame that’s been inflicted upon them. But if you don’t stop, and then just apologize afterwards while she’s curled into a ball on the floor crying, you probably will not have to deal with the cops. This too is a plus.
BDSM
Important gear for your S&M Expedition.
BDSM is scary, as it mostly involves a bunch of people getting off on other’s pain. It’s not right, but somehow it’s enjoyable, at least until she starts stepping on your genitals with high heels and tying barbed wire around your scrotum. That’s where you have to draw the line. I mean, on one hand it’s cool being tied up and let her do strange things to you. Lord knows I liked that part. But the whole sticking-needles-into-your-nipples thing was just sorta… not cool. Also the slapping, and the whipping. It gets tiresome after the fiftieth time. And how come I never get to whip her? It’s like all sexist how the tables can never be turned. But I guess it’s not so bad since she’ll eventually let you have sex with her, but it’s not until after hours of torture. I mean, what the fuck? Just let me fuck you. You want it as badly as I do.
Girls On IRC Do Not Appreciate A Real Man
I was in a Japanese IRC chat (IRC stands for “IRC”), which mostly contained Japanese people that were on IRC. For some reason they seemed to be very offended by sex, even while I was trying to be my sexiest at the time. I tried to explain to them what I wanted by telling them I want to have mad sex with a cute Asian girl, and then asked if anyone want to take me up on it. You would think that in a Japanese chat room, such things would be embraced and accepted, but not here. Here I was mocked and called names for my overactive sexual drive:
“that’s disgusting”
“hentai baka”
“moron”
“how offensive, leave us”
Then they kicked me from the IRC. So I came back and said that I was cyber-raping them all. I got kicked again, but I know how the Japanese IRC girls think. I bet they started masturbating as soon as they kicked me from their chat. Thinking about how I would hold them to the bed while they were screaming. We all know that IRC bitches are the horniest bitches of all, because one half of them are so lonely that they would grab any dick within thirty miles, and the other half are men.
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