Contribution Corner Presents: Guide to Prison
Anyone who’s seen The Shawshank Redemption knows what a spiritual, heartfelt experience prison can be. Being held in captivity with some of the most colorful individuals in society, and with all the sex and drugs, it’s a bit like Woodstock. Only indoors. With no music. And with guards. Guards that will shoot you. And since everyone urinates on the Chief of Police at some point in their life, I thought it would be best to introduce you to some of the people and places you’ll see during your stay. After all, we wouldn’t want you going in there completely clueless. So I’ve made this small guide to help you out when you eventually do commit all the crimes that your Mom said you would commit when you were a child.
The first thing you will probably notice, when arriving in prison, is that you are sharing a very large communal space with lots of other men. And one of the things you’re going to be doing a LOT of, is spending time with many of these men. Even in places that you normally wouldn’t want to spend time with people, like taking off your clothes, defecating, masturbating, and even while showering. Most of the time with your favorite friend less than two feet away. So learning how to deal with certain situations in which to keep your stay in prison much less “awkward” is a must. So let’s take a look at a few things that you should know about before you find your favorite cell mate trying to insert his penis down your throat while you’re asleep.
Soap on a Rope
Cutiesoap such as this may attract attention and gain you some Instant Friends!
Soap-on-a-rope will be your best friend while in prison. It’s so frustrating having to pick up that slippery bar when it falls. The “rope” part also prevents forced anal rape, which can be even more frustrating. I would recommend a brand such as Dove or Ivory. The built-in moisturizers will give your skin a beautiful, healthy glow that says: “This is my first day in jail! Break me in!”
The Snitch
Now meet Sneaky the Snitch. If you really want to tell someone about how you repeatedly stabbed your “bitch of an ex-girlfriend” and “dumped her body in the creek,” this is not the person to tell.
You can identify a snitch by several traits:
- During conversations, he may insist that you speak into a microphone he’s holding. Expert snitches may conceal microphones in everyday objects such as a button, a toothbrush, or a lawn flamingo
- He wears a fancy feather boa from all the cop payoffs he gets
- The boa is a microphone too
- Other prisoners avoid him like gonorrhea
Bubba
Soon, you will be under him.
Meet Bubba. He don’t like you socializin’ wit’ ‘dem other fellers. If you lived a sheltered life and don’t know what the phrase “prison bitch” means, hang on for a wild ride. This is how it works: in exchange for an unholy amount of sex, Bubba will kill anyone who hits on you and, in general, make life slightly easier.
Insane “Nation of Islam” Member
Amusing – yet terrifying at the same time – he will wear funny, colourful clothes and talk about how the “YTs” are keeping the “black brotherhood” down.
WARNING!!! HE IS INSANE!!! THINGS NOT TO SAY TO HIM:
- “What’s the deal with Muslims?”
- “What’s the deal with black people?”
- “If you’re so goddamn religious, you wouldn’t be here, now would you? Do you see my line of reasoning?”
- “I like your hat.”
Corrupt Warden
The corrupt warden is here to assist you in rehabilitation, while at the same time smuggling stuff and taking bribes. If he walks by your cell, pick up a Bible or a kitten or something to show him that you’ve gone straight. Of course, “straight” is such a vague term in a men’s prison.
The Guy Who Always Talks About Escaping
Caution: Nothing about this character will be nearly as cute as his hamster counterpart.
The Guy Who Always Talks About Escaping is always talking about escaping. Unfortunately, he’s too lazy to carry through with anything. He’d make a good E/N webmaster if he ever did escape. Since his escape supplies aren’t doing him any good, you may consider using them to break yourself out.
But What About Women’s Prison??
Women’s Prison is similar to Men’s Prison, only it’s roughly 1,000,000 times better. To all men: if you can get a sex change before your sentencing, DO IT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO IT. Having breasts is such a small price to pay. In fact, it’s not really a drawback at all, when you think about it. Hmm. Anyway, let’s see some of the cheerful characters you’ll meet while in the Dungeon of Eternal Estrogen.
Betsy “Sledgehammer” Murphy
You know those hentai women who grow penises and rape other women? Yeah, we all know they aren’t real. But if they had a real-life equivalent, Betsy would be it. She’s currently serving 20 years for turning her husband into a gooey paste with a sledgehammer. She angers easily, so you may want to avoid her. And if you end up being her cell-mate…well…you know those things parents put in wall sockets to keep their babies from killing themselves? Yeah…those little white things. Place those in every orifice of your body.
Michelle “The Brutalizer” Jones
Formally known as Michael, Michelle heeded my advice and got a sex change to escape the violent horrors of men’s penitentiary. Michelle now enjoys knitting, Mahjong, and Hello Kitty collectibles. Be sure not to interrupt her Zen sessions, or she may interrupt your blood flow.
The Kinky Twin Lesbians
I have been told that this is accurate
I saw these in a movie about prison once. It was a porno film, but it was one of those fancy European ones, so I think it was still an accurate depiction of life behind bars. The Kinky Twin Lesbians will readily go down on other female inmates, while other inmates pleasure themselves in the background. The Kinky Twin Lesbians can be identified by the moaning and leather attire. Sometimes they will beg to be “disciplined.” If this should happen, follow through on their request. It’s your duty as an inmate. Remember, you have a debt to repay to society.
The Corrupt Female Warden
The Corrupt Female Warden is just like her male counterpart, only she smuggles womanly things. I’m not sure what this would be. Tampons or hair berets or whatever she-criminals are into. Be sure to say how nice the warden’s sensible shoes look. And comment on her highlights. Women are suckers for that sort of thing, so you’ll be out of there in no time.
Now that I’ve exposed the terrifying secrets of incarceration, perhaps you won’t take your freedom for granted any more. Or perhaps you’ll just be more careful when robbing 7-11s. Either way, I’ll sleep soundly, because I hate 7-11s.
