Movie Review: Rumpelstiltskin
A while ago, I reviewed Leprechaun and the first three sequels. I figured that I would have reviewed the worst movies I could find. I mean, I did my research (you know, 20 seconds on a google search), and while there are worse movies than the first Leprechaun, Leprechaun 4 may possibly be the worst movie ever made. However, while I was trying to decide whether or not I should stream The Wizard again, I noticed a movie in my “recommended” queue that I had to check out. Just out of curiosity I picked it up, and saw that it was Rumpelstiltskin… and I knew I possibly had a movie to review on my hands. See, Rumpelstiltskin may be even worse than the Leprechaun films because it’s basically a rip-off of Leprechaun.
That’s right… a rip-off of an already horrible movie. I don’t understand the logic that gets movies like these created. I mean, you can’t just be one crazy guy and make a film… usually. There are a few examples of films made by a sole insane individual (*cough*… Manos: The Hands of Fate… *cough*), but for the most part, in order to create a movie you need to have someone (or a group) create an idea and a script, and then try and get someone to fund such a thing. The possibilities of failure in this process are fairly large, yet movies like this somehow get made while many far superior movies get passed over everyday. It’s sad, but I suppose I shouldn’t complain… I’d have nothing to write about.
So let’s get started. This movie starts off much like Leprechaun 2 (where the Leprechaun is looking for a bride), in a scene taking place in a nameless place in the middle ages. We see a man running away from an angry mob – you know… torches, pitchforks, and the like.
This is no ordinary man!
This is Rumpelstiltskin. I will assume most of you know the fairytale that this movie is very loosely based on, but for those of you who don’t I will attempt to summarize it in this finely crafted MSPaint comic:
Gonna quit my dayjob!
Hmm… maybe that didn’t help you too much… well, if you still don’t understand the original story of Rumpelstiltskin, try googling it. God bless the internet… from fairytales to pictures of any sick fantasy you can think of, it’s all available at your fingertips just by searching on Google.
Anyway, as I was saying, that guy up there is Rumpelstiltskin himself, and apparently the baby he holds is his prize for turning the straw into gold. The townsfolk don’t understand the deal he made with the girl previously, and they corner him at a cliffside. Rump (as I will call him because I am lazy) then attacks a few of the townspeople, and foolishly puts down the child. After he kills a few of the nameless locals (and eats an eyeball or two), a witch comes out of the crowd and casts some spell on him… he will be trapped as a statue for 1000 years, unless he is freed through a wish and a woman’s tear. The witch then finishes her incantation by setting Rump on fire and repeating his name three times – but not just saying “Rumpelstilskin”… but by overpronouncing the name – “RUM-PEL-STILT-SKINNNNNN.” I still can’t get that old woman’s voice out of my head… and all she says is “RUM-PEL-STILT-SKINNNN.” The horrors I go through. Anyway… the spell is finished, turning him into a rock, and the old witch throws him into the ocean.
I wish I was turned into a rock... then I might not have watched this movie.
But does Rump spend the next 1000 years under the water as a rock? No! Somehow the rock is removed from the nameless body of water, and somehow ends up in a small curio shop in Los Angeles, California. It doesn’t explain how (and it doesn’t explain it later in the movie), and I suppose it doesn’t really matter… all that matters is that it doesn’t sit on the shelf of the shop forever, because it is soon picked up and purchased by Shelly Stewart – a single mother with a baby.
MILF! (I hate that acronym... but I used it anyway!) Also she’s not all that hot!
Shelly just had her baby a while ago. What happened to the father? Well, Russell Stewart (seen above in the picture on the mantle) was a Los Angeles county cop – and while Shelly was pregnant he was killed in the line of duty protecting another baby. This has made Shelly quite the shut-in, and her friend Hildy is one of the few people she really talks to all that much. It is Hildy’s fault that the two women (and the baby John) are in the curio shop to begin with, and once Shelly sees that little green rock (that would be Rump, retards) she just has to have it, even though the old witch-like woman that runs the shop tells her not to buy it and that it’s cursed. I suppose that she deserves what is coming though… she was warned.
And this brings us to how Rumpelstiltskin comes back into being. Shelly holds the rock and wishes that her husband would be able to see their little yard ape, John, at least one time. As she wished this, a tear falls from her eye onto the statue… that can’t be a good sign…
Later that evening, Shelly is in bed (reading one of those lonely women books like How to Live Without Men or Dykes for Dummies) and she hears someone walking up the stairs towards her room. Understandably, Shelly reaches into the dresser next to her bed and pulls out her weapon of choice (not a 12 inch rubber dong – that would be in the lower drawer) – a revolver, and points it at the door. She’s ready for anyone that comes through that door. Well… not really anyone…
Wishes really can come true! Thanks, Disney!
It’s Russell Stewart, back from the dead! Russell came back to life because of her wish, and she immediately does what anyone would do in this situation– they boink. That’s right… boink. And they manage to boink in such a way that we don’t even get a good straight on look at her boobs, so that’s just cruel. If I’m going to sit through this awful movie, I demand some satisfaction!
Speaking of satisfaction, after Shelly and Russell’s night of love, Shelly wakes up and her husband is in the shower… it wasn’t a dream! Shelly goes in to help Russell soap up his pork sword, but as she enters the shower, she realizes that this isn’t her husband! It’s a hideous creature!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
OH GOD NO!! It’s nothing that horrible… it’s just Rumpelstiltskin.
At least it's not Urkel...
Good old Rump is alive and kicking and he wants her baby – or more accurately HIS baby. She got her wish, now he gets her child. Here is where I have my first major problem (after I look past the fact that I’m watching a movie about Rumpelstiltskin and not out with a female… again) – Shelly never hears the conditions of the deal before she makes the wish that seals the deal. In the traditional story, the miller’s daughter agrees ahead of time to give Rumpelstiltskin her baby, and then she decides to go back on the deal. As a kid, I hated this story, because you’re supposed to hate Rumpelstiltskin, but I always felt bad for him… he followed through on his part of the deal, and all he did was collect and now he’s supposed to be the bad guy. In this movie, you still get that feeling, but you can’t feel bad for Rump because Shelly never knew she’d have to give up her baby ahead of time. Maybe it’s just me, but that already makes me hate this movie.
However, hate it or not – I continue. After Rump explains that he needs the baby to swallow its soul or some such thing, Shelly fights off the little demon using one of the most tried and true ways to fight evil – she hits him with a broom. This is when we notice one more thing about Rump – he loves pain. This does make fighting him much harder, but eventually Shelly manages to get outside and do what she thinks will take down the little freak – she hits him with her car.
That's gonna leave a mark...
Shelly, now worried (as I assume I’d be if a small hunchback with pointy teeth just tried to eat my baby), calls the police and her friend Hildy and the police show up to check the crime scene. Nobody believes Shelly however, and they tell her she needs to get away for a while. I can’t say I blame them… it is a pretty weird story. Shelly goes off to Hildy’s house, where they should have a quiet night.
While at Hildy’s house, they decide to read the original fairytale of Rumpelstiltskin to prove to Shelly that she’s just imagining things. This leads to one of the cheesiest plot points ever… the story talks about the miller’s daughter – and it turns out Shelly’s maiden name is “Miller”! … blah. I think somebody is trying way too hard to connect this pile of feces with the original story. Gee, why not just say she’s the ancestor of the original princess, and lets just make the baby the second coming of Christ. At least then there would be so much going on I might fool myself into liking this movie. After a few hours, everyone leaves the house so that Hildy and Shelly can get some rest.
The night isn’t quite as restful as they’d hope, and I’m glad. This movie is slow enough without quiet evenings. Shelly is on the couch reading the story of Rumpelstiltskin yet again, and she happens to read how you’re supposed to kill the creature – “Fire and Chaff.” Well, what the hell is ‘Chaff’!? Shelly doesn’t know either. I did a Google Image Search on “chaff” and here’s what I found – a plane, a man holding a bug, and a statue of an old black woman. I can’t imagine how some of those would help, although… if she combines the plane and fire… maybe she has to drop bombs on him. I know that works on my mailman… However, Shelly doesn’t have as much time as I just had to think about it – guess who’s back?
Damn, I was hoping for Urkel this time.
What a surprise, he isn’t dead! Rump demands the baby again, and this time Hildy comes to the rescue… she runs in the way so that Shelly and her baby can escape! Well, they at least get out the front door before Rump snaps Hildy’s neck and runs after them. However, following the rules of “I-know-this-didn’t-work-before-but-I’ll-do-it-again,” Shelly hits him with her car again, and she heads off for a little cottage in the country to get away.
Here comes my major annoyance with Rump himself… as he is picking himself off the ground, a biker pulls up and Rump says, “My what armor! … and your steed! I demand your steed!” and then steals the bike from the biker. Hold on here… I get what you’re trying to do. Rump is from the 14th century – he’s obviously never seen a motorcycle before. I can live with the annoying “I-will-refer-to-modern-things-in-terms-I-would-understand” language that Rump uses constantly. But, if Rump has never seen a motorcycle before, how the hell would he know how to ride it? I know, you could say it’s magic… but that’s about as lame as saying “This man died because his heart stopped beating.” – Useless. So, do you think the producers of this film cared about this?
Yeah, he's wearing sunglasses now too...
Of course not.
Rump doesn’t get far on the bike though, because he manages to wreck it. I’d say that makes my previous argument invalid… but guess what he does next? Why, he steals a fucking tanker truck (“A good many blacksmiths to build that I imagine!”)… I rest my case.
So we shift to the next day, and Shelly’s car has broken down. She knows that Rumpelstiltskin has to be close, and she is in need of help. And who shall come to her rescue? Why it’s Max Fucking Bergman, that’s who!
Who?
So who the hell is Max Bergman? Well, Max Bergman is more or less like Jerry Springer. He’s actually a lot more like Morton Downey, but I figure since I am the third oldest person on the internet that Jerry Springer will be known better. Max is basically a sleazy sexist asshole, making him immediately the obvious choice for the “not-as-bad-as-I-appear-to-be” hero. Max quickly gets the chance to prove his heroism as Rump shows up with his truck.
After about 5 minutes of pointless driving scenes, Max realizes that he has no breaks. I’m not sure why, I think the GODS OF PLOT™ had something to do with it, and Max has to make an emergency stop into the side of a building. It looks bad for little Johnny and his Mom, but Max steps up to the plate in what might be one of the worst chase scenes ever (only to be eclipsed by one later in this very film) – Max rides away on a Go-Kart.
Am I really this bored? More importantly… are you?!
Max gets a bundle of cloth and pretends it’s a baby to make Rump follow him. This leads to another question – how fast can this Go-Kart go? I mean, I’ve been to a couple of Go-Kart tracks before I could drive a real car, and I’ve never seen them go faster than about 15 miles an hour. This cart bends all rules of logic, and goes about 60. Well, I’ll admit I don’t know a lot about Karts… so perhaps I’m just wrong. It’s happened at least once before. Eventually, Max manages to trick Rump again and the truck plunges off the side of a cliff – and Max accidentally falls off too. This leads to what could be the films only interesting death scene.
Since a truck just exploded in the valley, and now Max is down there as well, the police show up (along with Shelly and little John). After making sure Max is okay, the officer goes to check out the truck. Here it is… the best death scene in the movie. It’s not even that good, except that it’s completely unneeded. As the cop is looking through the truck, Rump springs up and jumps out of the truck. While the officer stands there in typical “horror movie cop” fashion, Rump (for no apparent reason) rips his own head off…
At least it's interesting...
and then uses his severed head to bite the cop in his neck until he kills him.
... even though it's stupid.
Why?! Why did he do this? Hew could have just snapped his neck or thrown him just like every other person in this movie, but no – he instead ripped off his own head. I have the suspicion that the people making the film realized how unexciting it was and knew they had to do something outrageous. Well, it’s not outrageous, but it’s acceptable. At least I’m not falling asleep…
Max, Shelly, and the baby manage to escape in the now unmanned police car, and they head to the cabin. Unfortunately for them, more officers show up at the house and arrest them, because there is now a dead cop, and our heroes have the car he was driving. So, in another unfortunate turn of events, the group is locked up – and Rump knows right where they (and more importantly his baby) are stuck. The one thing Shelly and Max do get is one free phone call. Max tries to get Shelly to call his lawyers, but instead – out of nowhere – Shelly decides she’ll call someone far more important – The old woman from the curio shop. Why? How did she have the number? Why would the old woman help bail you out of jail? Well, the answer is simple enough… she’s obviously a wise witch and she knows how to stop the evil Rumpelstiltskin. Of course…
However, things are not going well… Rumpelstiltskin has managed to kill off all the police officers one by one (in very uninteresting ways – which is why I chose not to talk about them). The last officer manages to crawl to the jail cell to give Max the keys, because they were telling the truth about the demon that killed the other officer. It’s too late, however… Rumpelstiltskin has his baby. Luckily for Johnny, he can’t just use a straw to suck the kid’s soul… he’s got to bring the child to a mother’s arms in a graveyard before dawn. How do Max and Shelly know this? Because the old woman conveniently shows up in the backseat of their car when they leave the police station. She’s about to explain how to defeat Rump when out of nowhere she starts choking… and why?
He knows the power of the Dark Side!
Because even though he’s miles away, Rump uses his Vader-like chokehold and she dies. Here’s a question to ponder… if he could just fucking choke people from miles away, why didn’t he just choke Sherry an hour ago and save me the pain and suffering I just endured watching this?! They did learn enough though… they learned that ‘chaff’ is straw! So the demon Rumpelstiltskin is hurt by straw! … wait… In the original story he turns straw into gold… why does this hurt him? I guess they needed something more than just fire – or else this movie would have ended at that truck accident.
So Shelly and Max run to what must be the only graveyard in the state, because they see Rump getting ready to steal little Johnny’s soul. He is in a graveyard, and he’s unearthed a body of someone who had a tombstone engraved with “A Loving Mother” (So cheesy…), and the baby is in its outstretched decaying arms. All hope is almost lost when Max has an idea… there just happens to be a barn full of straw and some construction equipment laying around…
The worst chase scene ever.
Using the tools left to them, Max fills the loader up with straw, lights it on fire… and slowly drives at Rumpelstiltskin. In what is possibly the worst chase scene ever filmed, Rumpelstiltskin slowly saunters away from the flaming death machine by heading in a straight line, making sure to stay on a clear path to insure the loader doesn’t have any problems following him. Eventually, the pure 5 miles an hour of speed Max is moving overtakes Rump, and he falls into the loader with the two things that will make him weak enough to stop – Fire and Chaff.
However… it’s still not completely over… as long as nobody knows his name, Rump can regain his strength and steal the baby’s soul. However, Rumpelstiltskin must not know that his name is now well known because of the Brother’s Grimm. He is shocked and amazed when Shelly begins… “Rumpelstiltskin” – “Rumpelstiltskin” – “RUMPELSTILTSKIN!!!” In a poof of smoke…
It all comes around again.
Rumpelstiltskin is trapped as a rock again! Shelly gets her baby back, and Max has learned that he’s not the asshole he tries to be. Sherry, Max, and Johnny head off to start a new life together… after they throw Rump-rock into a nearby river. Nobody will ever hear from him again… will they?
Well, probably not… unless some little kid goes looking for rocks in the middle of a river… but what are the chances of that?
(Insert creepy organ music)
Hey! Does this mean there will be a sequel?! Let’s fucking hope not!
