OMGJeremy

Humpday Gaming: Sorority Life

Growing up in the 80s, the lines between what were considered “Boys” and “Girls” activities, toys, and forms of entertainment were pretty clear. Boys played with He-Man figures and M.U.S.C.L.E. Men, or if they were pussies they had some G.I. Joes. Girls, well they had Barbie and those horse things that were mostly pink with purple hair, and yeah… just a lot of stupid pink shit. Nowadays, the lines have blurred quite a bit. You see boys playing with plastic kitchen toys, and just a lot of stuff in general that would have gotten the shit beaten out of you years ago for being seen with. Of course, when someone caught you you just told them it belonged to your sister and you stole it and were just about to burn it. This always took you and your male friends to the backyard where you incinerated these items that belonged to your “sister,” all the while you cried a little bit inside that dinner wouldn’t be on your imaginary family’s table by 6PM. You were even more shit out of luck if you didn’t have a sister to begin with… take it from an only child.

A lot of toys are made today with the intent of winning over both sexes. Pinks and blues give way to middle-ground colors, and packaging is no longer really trying to sway one particular gender more than the other. However, something still comes along that celebrates its one-sidedness when it comes to being for a particular gender. It celebrates it without such things as shame or decency. It throws in your face the fact that this is meant for one sex only, and if you are the opposite sex and are playing it, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG! Take what I am about to speak of for instance, something that could only be more geared toward lady-folk if it was coated in chocolate and was able to stand listening to nonstop bitching and irrational emotional outbursts.

Welcome to Sorority Life

If you use Facebook, chances are you have at least seen updates about this application in the profile of at least one or two of your friends. If you don’t use Facebook, stop fucking lying and acting like you are some elitist because you haven’t “given in” and signed up. You know you’re on there and you’re just shitty because people can’t even stand talking to your stupid ass online. This is one of those time-wasters that for all intents and purposes you should put down after playing for a few minutes, but people instead get insanely hooked on them and it becomes their life. Think Animal Crossing, but pinker. After watching my girlfriend play it for awhile, and insulting her for doing so, I decided that it wasn’t fair to make fun of something I did not fully understand. She didn’t give me shit for playing Lost Planet, after all. So I sat down and started what would become a very strange, oddly surprising, yet depressingly predictable journey. A week or so ago, Belinda Hollinsworth, bald sorority chick that is really a guy going under deep cover to get some hot college ass, was welcomed into the world. I made that back-story up myself, in an effort to justify why my online persona was wearing heels.

Note my boyfriend, DON THE RIGHT GUY! He doesn't require pampering and can NEVER be stolen from me. I assume Belinda Hollinsworth must suck it like a pro.

What It Do?

This game, like most of those fucking FB time-dumps, follows the same pattern. You do activities in order to gain some sort of points, and you use these points to level up your character so you can spend even more on other shit and so on and so forth. You can even turn in REAL money for in-game currency… then hang yourself. You earn points by taking part in various activities, the amount of which you can do is dependent on how far leveled up you are. You have to look at your “Skills”:

I don't see Cooking, Cleaning, and Getting Poked... the only woman-skills I was aware of.

I’ll be honest, building up your skills playing the various games is pretty fun. Even though (as of level 20-something), the games are limited to two types, really. One is a semi-fun word game where you make as many words as possible out of jumbled up letters, and the other is one of those where you have to find objects hidden (and sometimes not so hidden) within a picture.

ugh

These games take up varying amounts of energy, so you probably can only play them 2 or 3 times before you have to sit and wait until your energy is refilled. How does it refill? Well, you can buy an energy refill using Brownie Points (a form of in-game currency). Running low on those hard to come by Brownie Points? Well, you can also pick some up by paying REAL GODDAMN CASH. A simple 21 BPs will only run you $4.99. Need a little more? You can get 170 for only $39.99. Need to have your fucking ass beat? Then pick up 700 BPs for $149.99. Take that in for a moment. Instead of spending 150 bucks on real clothing or accessories or tampons or whatever the hell women buy, they can throw down $150 for in-game clothing and other worthless shit. The sad thing is, I’m sure this happens every single day. They should investigate all domestic violence cases and ask the husband if their wife bought a shit-ton of BPs from Sorority Life. If she did, then the crime was justified.

You can also gain money and experience by fighting. Yes, fighting. Not so much hair-pulling and slapping and the chance of some tits nakedly exploding for all to see… but clicking a button to what I assume is insult your opponent and take away some of their confidence. Yes, you have a set amount of confidence that can be easily depleted, just like real girls! Lose too many fights, and you’ll have to run off to the safety of The Spa. Yes, wash away all of your troubles and regain the confidence you need to continue your catty-assed battles. Who knew that one spa trip (and several thousand dollars later) would give you the renewed gusto to yell at other girls to “Go Fuck (some unappealing item, person, or themself)”?

Ultra-Realism

Playing various games isn’t your main way of getting cash, however. This is where things get a little ridiculous. To make money, you actually have to GET A JOB! Yeah, I can count on my penis the number of sorority girls out there that have a fucking job. Not only do you get to choose your own profession, but the pay… well the pay isn’t quite right somehow.

Jeremy could not confirm or deny if that is how much a Professional Blogger really makes. He was too busy picking out which 100 dollar bills he was going to wipe his ass with tonight.

Also, while it is normal to purchase such things as clothes, hats, shoes, and chartered planes, there are a few things in the store area that struck me as a bit odd.

Yes, you buy your boyfriends. Usually it’s the other way around, with guys having to essentially pay for a girlfriend.

Don’t believe me? Offended by that? Well, think about it.

Even if you are one of those girls that is “SUPER INDEPENDENT I DON’T NEED NO MAN PAYIN’ FOR ME!”, you still let him buy you dinner. You still let him take you on trips and pay for the gas. You still let him take you to the movies, or buy you a little something now and then. In return, you do sleep with him. Not because you love him, and not because you really want to, but because you feel deep down (whether you know it or not), that you HAVE to because of everything he has done. You’re as much of a damned whore as the girls you claim you totally are not. Yes I do feel that way, and yes I used the word “totally.”  That could be related to my playing Sorority Life over the last week.

Anyhow, you buy the dude… then you have to pay upkeep on him by pampering him. Yes, you have to pamper your boyfriend or else the bitches in YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE can steal that bastard from you! I can only imagine how many real-life friendships this has ended, when Susan decides that Sarah just isn’t treating Dante the Dancer right and decides to swoop in and snatch him up. I think you can actually just steal back and forth, and the boyfriends value goes up. Yes, like a trading card or some other thing you trade back and forth, his worth seems to grow over time and the more he is desired.

In Conclusion

I went into this thinking it would be the most mindless thing ever. Well, it was. But that isn’t necessarily bad. As a simple distraction when you have some extra time, I can see how it could fulfill a purpose. Some of the mini-games are actually sorta fun, and being able to look at the actual profile of the other players is fun (especially one girl who looked like the guy from Robocop after he hit the toxic waste). I don’t think the average guy can get much out of it. Certainly avoid it if you are one of those that thinks that listening to a boy band, seeing a penis, or wearing a turtleneck automatically makes you gay. Playing this doesn’t make you any less of a man. In fact, it takes a REAL MAN to play something like this and admit it openly. It strips away no masculinity at all, and you’ll be every bit the man you always were.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m bleeding from between my legs.