OMGJeremy

Flashback Mondays presents: Webcomics Are Shit

(with comics by Amanda)

For myself, it’s becoming harder and harder to even be interested in the Internet anymore. I don’t really know why. I think once I got past the whole “Infinite knowledge at your fingertips!” bullshit, it pretty much went downhill from there. And after so long, you pretty much forgo such things as “natural ways to entertain yourself” on the Internet, simply because you can only read so many news sites before you start punching yourself. So you then go into the realm of Internet “shock and terror” to find entertainment, since, if the Internet’s good for anything, it’s pictures of aborted fetuses. But even that can only stay fresh for so long, which is where I find myself now. Nothing on the Internet phases me any more. Nothing shocks me. Nothing even seems to remotely interest me.

Except for one thing:

Webcomics

I’m addicted to them. Especially the bad ones. Probably because I’m an artist. And if you ask any artist what makes them feel better about their own art, it’s looking at other people’s bad art. Sure we may say things like “Hey good job!” but in reality it’s a huge confidence boost to ourselves as we mercilessly mock your horrid creation in our increasingly hate-filled minds. And if there’s one thing I can constantly look at to do just that, it’s webcomics. Then again, like most things in life, too much of anything can be a bad thing. And after you see so many bad webcomics you just sorta stop feeling anything inside. It certainly didn’t help things much either when recently a lot of my friends were trying to find the worst webcomics on the Internet. It seemed to turn into a contest to see who could find the Holy Grail of comicky badness, and from the million or so links that they copy and pasted my way, I can say that virtually all of them could qualify. My most common reaction being “this can’t be real,” closely followed by “Holy shit it is, and I don’t want to live anymore.”

One thing I noticed while sifting through them though, is that they all seemed to fall in the same basic categories. The entire time I spent looking at all those comics, there was not one original idea in them that I hadn’t seen regurgitated a thousand times before. It eventually turned into, “Hey wow ANOTHER comic about anime characters that I don’t understand,” or, “Hey wow ANOTHER comic about a talking piece of shit.” After a while, they all just seemed to blend together in their particular categories. Kinda like every song from Everclear you’ve ever heard. But who am I to argue what’s popular with the kids these days? After all, everyone wants to grow up to draw comics. It’s a fucking dream job. But there’s a reason it’s a job reserved for only a few people: Most people suck. It’s just unfortunate that the Internet makes it incredibly easy for those people to grab some web space and turn it into their own personal haven of comic shittiness, fully expecting everyone else to flock to their greatness. Except that no one does, but the comics continue to pile up with the idea evidently being if you make enough of them, SURELY someone will notice.

So what does this leave us with? Tons upon metric tons of web sites that house webcomics. So many in fact, that it would be all but impossible to classify them all. But today, I thought I’d take a look at a few of the most popular themes running in the webcomics that I went through. So let’s see what we’ve got…

The “This Was Obviously Drawn by a Fourth Grader” Webcomic

This also fits into the "Autobiographical Genre" of webcomics.

Remember the stuff you found funny when you were in elementary school? The stuff you can only find funny for a few years between the time you get out of Kindergarten and before you realize you can masturbate. Now, imagine that humor in webcomic form, and you get this wonderful webcomic genre. Where all it seems the artist is interested in is getting to the frame where he can draw exploding feces, or someone urinating on a dog. And while I realize that virtually anyone that reads this site would find exploding feces and urinating on animals fine comedic material (which it is), it’s only when you put it in comic form does it go downhill fast. Most of which seems to be as well thought out as this scenario:

Artist: I want to draw a comic!
Brain: POOP POOP POOP POOP
Artist: I wonder what I’ll make it about!
Brain: POOP POOP POOP POOP
Artist: YEAH!

I think that’s a pretty accurate description of how all of our brains were functioning at an early age, but the sad thing is that most webcomic artists’ brains have only increased in raw output, and not in general non-retardedness. It’s sort of like the really hyper kid in school. Sure he may be amusing for the first twelve seconds you meet him, but after that, you just want to push things through his face. That’s about how these comics come off. Yes, the first panel with some guy fucking a cow may be the slightest bit humorous, but once you realize that this is what EVERY SINGLE COMIC is based around, you start to turn black inside.

The “Crazy Anime Kid and His Equally Crazy Video Game-Playing Friends” Webcomic

Oh man you thousands of readers can relate and GET INTO IT (please buy our tshirts).

I suppose the main draw is for anime/game fans to find someone, ANYONE they can relate to. Since 90% of anime/game fans are, you know, freaks of nature. So they’ve gotta think there’s at least ONE person out there that can relate to their hardcore love for every single word written in a Chobits manga, or some obscure import game that no one has ever heard of. I guess this is okay, since it keeps them from cutting themselves with the nearest sharp object. Even if all it takes is a non-humorous comic on an Internet site. At least it keeps me from having to put up with them in public.

Any Fucking Pokemon Comic

Remember Pokemon? Yeah you bet you do. But even though it’s kind of slipped off the radar in terms of what the 4 year-olds deem “cool,” [2012 edit: hahaha] it seems to have had a lasting effect on the minds of those who actually followed it. Namely extremely retarded children who now have nothing better to do than to sit and draw countless comics about their favorite animal… things. Whether they be actual Pokemon, or Pokemon ripoff shit that they created in their own enfeebled minds at some point. Usually looking something like the horrible love-child of a Pokemon and some type of brightly colored fruit. But it doesn’t really matter what the artist uses in their comics, since none of them are ever even remotely funny. Ever. And seem to just be an outlet for the artist’s brain to shit out whatever scribbles it has flying around until it’s time for the artist to take his next dose of Ritalin.

Woops this one is too cute/funny to accurately illustrate the point. ):

I actually knew a person personally that drew Pokemon inspired comics at one time. This was back about the time that I had first gotten on the Internet about a thousand years ago, and was generally still in that state that I mentioned before of “EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS AWESOME!” So anyway, this guy was trying to get me to draw his comic for him since he, not surprisingly, could barely draw a recognizable circle, let alone a comic strip. This was further evidenced after seeing one of his comics, which looked like some sort of MS Paint abortion. I was hesitant to draw for him because, not only was I not interested in Pokemon at all, but I’m also incredibly lazy and unmotivated. But he continued to promise me that he was certain his webcomic was going to be in the top five on one of those stupid voting sites where they list the top 100 sites that nobody gives a shit about. I eventually declined, and gave the excuse that I was thinking about starting my own website (lying, of course), and wouldn’t have the time, or dignity, to draw for him. Fast forward to present day, and I run a humor website, and he writes for IGN. Go figure.

The “Wacky Video Game Comic” Webcomic

 

Actually I would probably read a Nethack webcomic... if I drew it.

You’ve all seen these. Usually the artist uses his webcomic for the sole purpose of trying to convey humor through things related to videogames, and/or the video game industry. A novel idea for sure, if it weren’t for the fact that the comic’s comedic appeal will only be appropriate for the 1% of the Earth’s populace that will recognize your hilariously funny in-joke to some extremely obscure gaming moment. It’s sort of like how video gamers aren’t exactly very social, because most of us know it’s just better to keep quiet, since no one would understand us anyway…

Guy: Hey what’s up?
Gamer: I was just playing WOW and I couldn’t believe the drops are so rare. I mean, I can’t even camp right now because the packs are too hunted and the drops are limited to a few lowbie items.
Guy: Yeah… that’s kinda-
Gamer: Then I tried to play BF but someone hacked Punkbuster and they were all basecamping and we were like omg fags so I took a-
Guy: I gotta go
Gamer: But… the energy shield
Guy: PLEASE STOP

Now, myself being a gamer and all, I usually can appreciate the humor in such comics, since I’m sad like that. I GET the obscure in-jokes, because I have nothing better to do with my life other than to know every detail about every game ever made. So when Mr. Webcomic Artist whips out a dope prose on how a sprite flickers abnormally in some weird game that maybe three people ever played, I’ll laugh like a schoolgirl. But therein lies the problem. You may have gotten ME to laugh, but the vast majority of your audience will think you’re squeezing your balls until you’re blacking out. And if you’re a gamer, probably isn’t too far from the truth.

The “Emo Boy” Webcomic

 

This comic doesn't belong in this category at all but I like it and want to share it with you guys. :3

Sometimes though, emo boy comics can be combined with anime drawings, since a lot of emo boys (and webcomic artists in general) have a strange desire to draw things infinitely more complex than they’re capable of drawing. I guess we should give them credit for trying. But it sort of comes out like congratulating someone who won a Special Olympic’s event: You don’t really mean it, and feel really uncomfortable doing so. Last time I checked, it’s not PC to say “HEY CONGRATULATIONS ON RUNNING AROUND THE TRACK WITHOUT TAKING A SHIT” However, I have no problem conveying that to emo boys, because they’re honestly no better.

The “This is How it Really Motherfucking is, Fuckers” Webcomic

Hey I'm still gonna do it! I PROMISE!

Another thing I’ve learned on the Internet, besides developing a horrible contempt for all living things, is that no matter how hard you try, you won’t get anywhere. This is especially true for webcomics. Yeah, a few comics may get popular, most likely because they were original when they came out. So you honestly think the six billionth webcomic based on Penny Arcade is gonna make it big? Sorry to burst your highly retarded bubble, but it’s not. Sure you may gain a few readers along the way who are either highly confused or members of your family, but that’s about it.

Another more likely scenario though (and this can pretty much be applied to all the comics featured today), is that you probably suck ass as both an artist, and being funny. So just stop. Actually, on second thought, don’t stop. I have to have at least ONE way to make myself feel superior. And if looking at shitty webcomics is the only way to do that, then by god, so be it. No matter how sad that ultimately may be.