OMGJeremy

The Bitter Truth on the Sweet Tooth

submitted by Melissa

A fondness or craving for sweets is the definition of “sweet tooth,” according to the internet, with help from Google.

Many times in my young life, I have heard people excuse their penchant for sugary treats by referring to the fact that they possess such a “tooth.” I have news for everyone. It’s not a good excuse. Pedophiles aren’t excused from child-touchery because they are fond of it, nor should people be excused of their sticky, disgusting habit out of fondness for sugar.  MyPyramid, released by the United States Department of Agriculture in 2005, is a set of dietary suggestions for Americans to keep healthy and active. The category of “discretionary calories” is where sugar falls, and the government equates it to things like movies and vacations in a financial budget. The category is not even represented on the pyramid.

Maybe if you run up and down that staircase a few times, Fatty, you can deserve some sugar. Probably not though.

When children walk by a candy shop, they lose their minds. I have witnessed it. They cry and scream and hit their parents and do whatever is in their power to get their slimy little fingers on some  ridiculous sugar concoctions. Many parents are unable to resist those little fists of candy madness. Then again, children are stupid. Anyone who has the ability to walk by a candy store and think “I want some candy” rather than screaming uncontrollably and running through its doors should have the wherewithal to also think, “I can eat anything other than this candy and probably feel better about myself, and be a better person.”

People like to make excuses to eat candy. “Dessert” is one of those excuses. “Well, I ate an entire meal already, so now I am allowed to eat something made of only sugar, as a reward,” is what they tell themselves. It sounds ludicrous if you say it out loud, but they don’t. What they say is dessert.  Desserts are an addition to your meal, not a part of it. Trust me, you don’t need extra pieces to your meal, fatass.

Movies are another excuse. Apparently, entrance to a movie theater automatically justifies eating a lot of disgusting foods. Aside from the fact that everyone is too obese to just not eat for an hour and a half, through a single movie, the snacks are terrible. You can choose from popcorn with fake butter on top, old greasy hot dogs, or candy. They don’t sell bite size boxes either. They sell movie boxes, which are at least twice as much candy as anyone should eat in a lifetime. Many people buy multiple lifetimes of candy for a single movie. To understand why you shouldn’t eat candy at all for this occasion, you need only touch the floor of the cinema. Just once.

Alternately, a good way to put yourself off of candy forever is a simple thing I like to call Giving Candy To a Baby. Give some candy to a baby, then watch the horrifying results.

The worst thing in the world. And this is a million times cleaner looking than they usually are actually. I just couldn’t force myself to find others.