OMGJeremy

Reliability: The Elusive Beast That Escapes Our Grasp

Let’s Get Some Things Straight:

Okay. It’s like this: Jeremy has this website, right. This one that you are reading right now, in fact. In case you didn’t know or were unaware. Some other synonyms, too. For some reason, Jeremy really seems to have this funny sense of “Responsibility” (read as “self-punishment gluttony”) and likes to put new articles up in this shit… roughly every week.

Now, Jeremy may be some sort of sick masochist, but he’s not 100% retarded. He knew that if he took some time out of his busy week to write four articles, if he spaced his time wisely and scheduled Writing Time in between the blocks of Hectic and Hellish Work Time and Time Spent Complaining Bitterly, he would actually get incredibly burned out on this site. He would become even more haggard, psychotic, and at the end of his rope than he is now. Imagine that! I will give you all time to stop trembling in fear now as I break for the next paragraph.

A depiction of Jeremy in between articles and ordering the rest of us around.

The Biggest Mistake Starts Somewhere In Here:

This unwillingness to burn out kind of clashes with this whole Striving for Perfection in a Personal Humor Site thing he has going on. And by perfection, I simply mean “updated semi-regularly in such a way that the Masses, who may or may not actually exist, are satisfied enough that they’ll stop sending Jeremy death threats, or threats of sudden impalement if he doesn’t fall to their demands.” According to Jeremy, the Masses Demand Perfection. His wildly out of control psychosis insisted that he “hire” a “staff of writers” to help him out (in that way you hire people without paying them or giving them any perks or recognition beyond a grudging acknowledgement of authorship. And maybe a spot on the People Page. Maybe). This is funny.

Jeremy made these friends, including me. But not so much me, because he never expected me to ever write an article for some reason. But he made friends who seemed to be interested in writing for his website. Jeremy was thrilled. He believed that he would get some relief from maintaining this Colossal Site of AWESOMENESS all by himself. Come on, four articles PER WEEK, people! Anyway, this was a Good Idea. At first. But then it became painfully evident that the Four Evil Enemies of Potential Literary Geniuses: Tremendous Slack, Mental Insanity, ADD, and Total Disappearance – seemed to plague us all. Jeremy wept.

Two out of three OMGJ Writers fall.

Perfection Is A Hell Filled With Mighty Demons:

And on top of that, I recently found out that Jeremy is such a “Perfectionist” that he generally edits the complete fuck out of, and generally rewrites, the articles he IS given. Let me tell you, most of the time this is a great idea, having read some of the original submissions. It’s like a lot of you who submit things drink a whole gallon of bleach and then write endless rants with your thumbs and elbows that you think is funny AT THE TIME. OMG! JUST LIKE ME! I am curious to see how Jeremy will eventually edit this. Because I am so incredibly unfunny. You bastard.

Back to this Reliability Thing though. Jeremy got a Staff of Writers. Awesome Writers who understand Jokes and Humo(u)r. What they don’t understand is Dependability. I’m not calling anyone out, of course, since this is the only thing I’ve ever written for this site. Ever. My usual contributions generally include drawings and stories I’ve made – completely independently of this site – and Jeremy being like “hey, do you mind if I use that as filler?” And I’m usually like “BACK OFF, OKAY? I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY.” Our relationship is professional and beautiful. But, lately, because of the Four Evils I mentioned earlier, our Writers seem to be even less around than ever before. And I had a rare sensation of Pity for our Sweet Webmaster and his Tribulations Aplenty.

Right. The word “reliability” is a funny one. Words are often funny. The definition usually mentions something about “dependability” (another humorous concept) and the very real fact that whatever is being spoken of is completely able to be relied upon. It’s trustworthy. It’s wonderful. It’s like the perfect mom, or chocolate bar, or magical unicorn made of wiggle puppies and rainbows. I believe other words, and concepts, such as Responsibility, Trustworthiness, and Super Rad Friend Who Won’t Disappoint You also come into play. These are all things that idealist hippie bastard scums find delightful. They are also things that Jeremy really wishes surrounded him more often. And me too, since, due to others’ lack of Reliability, I was guilted into getting off of my Slack Pony to write. This is unnatural. Unnatural and WRONG.

His name is Hercules!

Things Are Horribly Wrong, I Forgot to Keep Including Sub-Headings:

It isn’t just the Writers here who are not dependable. No! It is a disturbing trend throughout the world. It’s like being a decent person is totally not in vogue. It’s a shame, really. Because when no one else at all is reliable, you have to depend on yourself. This is both a hassle and a pain. It’s also a risk, because you are also an unreliable jackass. Life is hard when you can’t depend on your self. And you never can. People let themselves down all the time. I don’t need to tell you that this is an outrage… A really subdued kind of outrage that I’m really not enthused enough about to jump up and down over.

This article is substandard. And I feel the Evils are taking my mind and shaping it. I was just distracted with my amazing powers of ADD at the Forum for like forty minutes just then. Also, my Slack is encouraging me to just let Jeremy finish writing this article for me. Because I never really excluded myself from making him upset. Bah. What else is happening to me? Oh yeah, I’m going to Totally Disappear for about a week or more. There was another thing… something that is probably controlling my life right now – but I have recently become too lazy to scroll up to see what I listed as the Four Evil Enemies of Potential Literary Geniuses. Maybe I should end this article and find the accompanying pictures I need before I completely lose interest…

How can you expect me to pay attention? My world is happenin'!

In summary, do you see what Jeremy has to put up with? Poor kid. Everyone should try to be more reliable, or whatever, and submit articles for consideration, so he doesn’t have to stress out and everything. But I’ve seen that god damn word so much now that it has lost all meaning. I also hate it.