OMGJeremy

User Submission Corner: Guide To Having Sex With Dolphins

submitted by: gideon

The OMGJeremy article archive has almost every kind of article about almost everything there is to discuss, or learn about. Sex, dating, politics, Jeremy, and porn. So as I sat down to write this article, I had to ask myself. What is left? The answer was obvious. It’s the question on everyone’s mind.

“How can I have consensual sex with a sea mammal?”

At last, the most important question ever asked will be answered. Today we will explore the wonderful and rewarding world of consensual dolphin sex.

To start with, it is important to know that this kind of sex is consensual. The dolphins want you to have sex with them. All of them. Right now. Sex with dolphins is commonplace, so common in fact that there are websites dedicated to fan groups. http://www.dolphinsex.org is very clear about the consensuality of this wonderful pastime. So, with that out of the way, let’s get to the action.

Look at it, with those beady come-hither eyes.

How do I know if a dolphin wants to have sex?

This seems to roughly equate to the problems with human females, and the answer to the question is the same. Their genitals become very pink and swollen, and they will act excited, and swim (run) up to you and perform pelvic thrusts against your leg or crotch. I have experienced this with a number of girls, as I know all of you men have, and you women know what I’m talking about. And speaking of you fine ladies, whose taste in sexual partners is strictly reserved for the highly intellectual, like dolphins, there is no need to fear. It is just as easy to tell if a male dolphin wishes to intercourse with you as it is a male human. They will sport an erection as they run around, anywhere from 10 to 14 inches long. They will place it within easy reach of your hand, or may wrap it around your leg or ankle. Dolphin penises, unlike some human penises, are prehensile. The dolphins may carry things with their penises, and have been known to bring potential mates gifts like dead fish, rocks, and life preservers. I have found this technique very successful in my experiences with human females. I can’t begin to tell you the number of times that wrapping my penis around someone’s ankle has resulted in hours of steamy sex. I know for a fact that Ronnie and Trev have had similar experiences, which were discussed at length in the original forum.

So, a dolphin wants to have sex with you. I know what you’re asking;

“What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?”

Ahh, that is simple. Have sex with it.

Female dolphin: Entice your lover to shallow water, where you can easily turn her on her belly and insert your penis. Like human females, the vagina will smell horribly of fish. Time for action. Push your penis inside her, and hold it there. The female dolphin’s vagina will contract and massage, and she will thrust against you. The dolphin’s slime will pour out all over you in a pleasant way, and it will get you off in a matter of minutes. When they climax, they will make all kinds of aquatic chittering sounds, and they will clench up real hard. Don’t go too deep, or it’ll pull your dick off. Once sex is over, spend some time with her, talk to her, and give her a fish. Then go home. Wash yourself, and spend the night reading Douglas Adams books.

The whole ocean is her bedroom.

Male Dolphin: Ladies, watch out. The Bottle-Nose Don Juan is a powerful lover. He would enjoy it the most if you go down on him first, but you may have trouble with his S-shaped penis. The 14 inches of fish phallus will probably play with you back because, as I have already told you, it is totally prehensile. Once foreplay is over, get ready for the best tentacle sex of your life. The dolphin penis is very large and muscular, and his ejaculation comes with sixty pounds per square inch of force. He will thrust against you for about a minute, which you should be used to with human men, and then he will blow you away. Once sex is over, pop your hips back into place, and return to the pool. Hopefully your landing didn’t break any bones. Return to your lover, caress him, and give him a fish. Then go home, take a shower, and eat some caviar. You may find that you enjoy keeping more and more fish, much as you enjoy keeping the severed testicles of human men that you have had sex with.

How romantic. And terrifying.

Now, I know what you’re saying:

“Gideon, where do I go to get some fin?”

Unfortunately, it is illegal to have sex with dolphins in forty nine out of fifty states, so, unless you are in Texas, you’ll have to go the discreet route. If you live on the coastline, you can go to the little coves where the randy randy dolphins play. If you’re more adventurous, or are landlocked, go to the aquarium. Hide in a janitors closet until after dark, or go Mission Impossible style and repel from the skylight. The dramatic entrance will add to the moment, so hit the local REI or Academy, and get some repelling gear! Be warned though, as horny as sea mammals are, they still may want to see you for almost a week before having tentacle sex or strange socket sex with you, much like humans do. You may find that by setting the mood you will speed this process up. Romantically toss flowers, fish, chocolate, or any other gift into the pool. You may consider shooting a fish full of Ginseng or Spanish Fly to entice your potential mate to do the aqua dance with you, if time is not on your side.

In closing, I must give you a warning. There are a number of sexually transmitted diseases that are going around with the sluttier fish. You may find yourself with soft shelled crabs, hydro-chlamydia, barnacles, water willy, or fin-rot. Protection is hard to use, as the female dolphin will pull your condom right off, and the male will blast through any artifice. LADIES, watch your calendar closely, and if you start to miss your periods, you may be the lucky receptacle of a seventy pound dolphin baby! Congratulations! Invite me to the bris. Mazeltov! It’s a fish!

Well, this concludes the seminal work in sea mammal sex for this website. I’m getting a little sea sick, so I’m going to go to the nearest sushi bar, and fantasize.