OMGJeremy

Guide To Uncomfortable Strangers and You

The worst part being an adult is having to interact with the magnificent array of truly disturbing people that crawl out from god knows where to stand next to you and breathe in your general direction, or shoot spittle from their crusty lips while asking you inane rhetorical questions about the weather. I am pretty sure you are all too aware of the types of people I am talking about. The ones that sit way too close, the kind who talk to themselves behind you in line for the grocery, or perhaps even the kind that go full retard and threaten to OMG CUT YOU THEY ARE NOT LYING THEY WILL with their car keys if you do not immediately get out of their way so they can buy their precious princess that bend-n-flex Barbie doll that you happen to be blocking with your cart.

We all deal with them at some point or another, but have you ever wondered what motivates them to act the way they do? What exactly makes a full grown adult ignore social niceties and act like a child at snack time that was denied an extra cookie? Well I don’t have that sort of answer in here for you. What do you think I am, some kind of psychologist? Jesus. I have an art degree. I am not even employable.

I have been too busy protecting my own safety by keeping them at arm’s length to ask them what childhood traumas their mothers inflicted on them. What I CAN do for you is completely and arbitrarily make up some explanations that can sound pretty passable if you want to blurt them out at a party like you know what you are talking about. Which, as well all know, is the only type of pseudo knowledge that really matters anyway.

The person who is way way too close.

Get closer.

This is probably the worst kind of stranger. Despite the fact that 90% of the room could be person-free, he will pick the space closest to you. Half of the time this also includes staring at you or what you are doing, and acting like they were not when you catch them at it. I am not a man so I can not determine this for sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion this is also the type of person who will pick the urinal closest to yours and try to strike up a conversation while your genitals are out.

I have come up with several theories to explain this behavior:

1. They are the type of personality that is extremely needy. They need human contact all the time forever to feel complete. Even if the person they are getting it from is an absolute stranger. It is like a drug for them, and even if they just get annoyed looks from you, that is enough of a fix for them to wander around talking about “tha haters” all day in their delusional cloud. If you dated them you would probably have to install one of those little electric dog shock fences to make sure you could brush your teeth without them clinging onto your arm.
2. They really REALLY want to talk to you, but can’t get up the courage to do more than sit directly next to you and stare over your shoulder at everything you are doing for hours on end. Later they might post a missed connection on craigslist for you. It’s not creepy baby, it’s a compliment.
3. They scented your strength the moment they walked into the room and are just following their pack instincts to sit next to you. They know that if the dinosaurs decide to exact their master plan today and attack, the two of you could stand back to back and appear to be a much larger, much more intimidating creature. Unless they turn out to be velociraptors, then maybe they will eat you first and give them time to flee. Either way, the stranger wins.

Are you talking to me?

“HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Oh nothing much over here I’m just standing near this angry looking person.”

In this modern age of technology we have these little doohickeys called cellphones. They replaced the big phone box you used to have to go home to use, and now you can flap your gob at will while you are out and about. They have pretty much eliminated private moments for an entire generation, and made public spaces semi-awkward when someone can’t respect proper cellphone use etiquette.

It has gotten to the point where everyone has turned around at least once to see if an off-color remark delivered behind their back was directed at them, only to find it is someone with a monster of a mouth jabbering on in a grocery line. The worst of these offenders are the ones who use the speakerphone function while they are walking or shopping. Now I am pretty sure speakerphone was developed for things like driving in your car or I don’t know, making a salad. Something you need your hands for. It is kind of counter productive to put your cellphone on speakerphone and hold it near your face in a public place.

Why they may act this way:

1. Attention. They want you to know they have the newest iphone and/or they have a girlfriend and by golly you are going to hear every excruciating word of their relationship squabble while you are trying to get a coffee.
2. They are an inconsiderate douche. They really just didn’t consider how rude their actions are. Walking around is such an inconvenience for them, they have to spice it up somehow, and thinking about meager things like “other people” and “social niceties” is just far, far too draining.

Creepy Time Station

Unfortunately this appears to be the type I run into most, which I think is pretty unfair because there should be some sort of quota on how much of this shit a single person should have to take in a single lifetime. These are the kind of people that feel the need to say something extremely creepy to you when they were not involved in the situation whatsoever. Half of the time these people are legitimately crazy, and you can dismiss it and wish you had a sandwich to give them, but the other half of the time it is just some lonely middle aged man/woman hoping someone will talk to them about something… anything.

(Their reasons are pretty self explanatory as well as monumentally depressing)

Personal Space, what is that?

Touchadoodledooooo!

This type of stranger loves to be as close to you as physically possible. Sometimes they even go so far as to touch you or rub your arm. Now it might just be because I am from New York, which is the Mind Your Own Business If I Don’t Know You Because I Probably Have a Knife Stashed on My Person Somewhere State, but I am pretty sure physically touching a stranger that hasn’t expressed a mutual attraction is NOT okay. Lurking so close to them you are practically touching their ass with your thigh isn’t either.

Reasons:

1. They are a pervert who gets off on mild stalking or frottage in public places. Your discomfort is their boner inside those food-stained sweatpants.
2. They are from the South. The South is a very “special” place where personal space is a mythological creature that only schoolchildren believe in. That, and moderation with sweets and sugars.

Well you kids are pretty educated I suppose, and old enough to take care of yourselves. You have learned how to categorize most bad behavior, and listened to some bullshit half-hearted explanations for it that may or may not excuse it, depending on how delusional you like to be. Looking like you carry a knife helps avoid most of these situations entirely, but it takes dedication and a lot of missed baths, so if you value your clean skin and attractiveness to the opposite gender, you just might want to play it smart. Now all you have to worry about is the velociraptors.