OMGJeremy

Humpday Gaming: Harvest Moon (SNES)

Submitted by: Mike

I have been a huge fan of the Harvest Moon since it came out on Super Nintendo about what seems like several decades ago now. For those of you who do not know what a Super Nintendo is, then I suggest you get drunk, open up your computer case, and start chewing on various wires. If you are lucky, you could be zapped with information about what a Super NES is, and save me the time of having to actually explain what one is. Or you could die a horrible death by electrocution, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Either way, that’s one less email I have to answer about Nintendo.

For those of you who haven’t had the chance to play Harvest Moon before, you really don’t know what you’re missing. In this very creative and ingenius game, you get to be a farmer! This by itself is rather stunning, because before Harvest Moon, all you could do was fantasize and have wet dreams about doing the many glorious tasks of modern-day farmers, such as:

• Waking up at 4:30 AM
• Enjoying a total town population of less than 20 people.
• Sitting in big metal things with lots of levers and buttons for 19 hours each day
• Watching big metal things break as you are sitting in them
• Fixing big metal things
• Laugh as you watch big metal things break again, while trying to hold on to any sanity you have left
• Become an alcoholic and a chain smoker
• Die a horrible and lonely death

But thanks to Natsume, you can do this and more! (Well, sort of)

Now you might be saying, “Mike, if I wanted to be a real live farmer, couldn’t I just go down to that Godforsaken Hellhole North Dakota?” No, because after an hour or so of seeing nothing but flat scenery with thousands of acres consisting of nothing more than grass, most outsiders die of boredom. Then the rest of us North Dakotans break into your car and steal your stuff. How else you think we get by? Selling Corn? Hahahahaha! Wow, I haven’t laughed like that since I was a little girl. So if you don’t want to get murdered in an abandoned alley by a few bored North Dakotans, then do yourself a favor and order a copy of Harvest Moon. It’s a great game even with its many imperfections, typos, and lack of instructions that do not cover anything beyond “press start to pause.”

First I will ramble on and on about what your basic duties in Harvest Moon involve. In Harvest Moon you get to do what most farmers do:

• Do all work by hand
• Plant and water veggies (by hand)
• Pick veggies (by hand)
• Take care of cows and chickens
• Grow money trees and giant beanstalks
• Do favors for magical elves
• Search for Power Berries

Sounds like ten tons of fun to me! And if you can even begin to visualize what ten tons of fun would look like, then you’re almost to the point where you can see the glory that is Harvest Moon. The basic storyline of Harvest Moon is that “Your Grandfather is too old to manage the farm, and the place is getting really run-down.” So being the lazy assed farmer he is, he has decided to give the whole place to his Grandson (let’s call him Steve) for three years to see if he can turn the place around.

So basically the story is a big crock of shit. I think it went more like this:

“Your Grandfather got wasted one night and decided it would be cool to pour gasoline over his whole farm and light it. Then he had someone bring a whole bunch of rocks and stumps to be placed all around the farm. He then woke up sober the next day and said “Fuck!” He then decided to leave the farm to Steve, his Grandson, tells him to make the farm all better and to make lots or money in three years, or he’ll cut off Steve’s balls and make him eat them. Grandfather then took off in his private jet and moved to Florida to become an all-star basketball player, vowing to someday return. So Steve, being nothing more than a few mindless pixels in the shape of a small boy, accepted the job, and got to work right away.”

So you start out with your Grandfather’s farm, which has a few small buildings that look as if they were used to store human sorrow. You also have tools to deal with several million weeds, rocks and stumps littering your new farm. But before you can get to work doing any of these things, a guy in a truck kidnaps you and brings you to the town center. Why he is driving a truck I’ll never know, since the town is as far away from the farm is as my living room is to my bedroom. He then throws you onto the street and blocks your path, telling you to “Get to know the townspeople a little better.” Unlike what you may be thinking, this will not involve some type of massive orgy. Basically you need to only talk to the five lovely ladies that live in the town, grab some grass seed, the watering can, and then you’re done. Don’t worry about talking to the rest of the townspeople, because they seem to all have the social skills of a zombie that has had its vocal cords cut out, and then beaten with them. So after you are done fantasizing about beating any useful information out of the townspeople, talk to the truck driver and he’ll kidnap you again and take the 20 foot drive to your farm and be thrown off, and this is where your happy little adventure begins!

The Areas

Just keep it bottled up inside. Eventually they will realize their folly when the entire village is consumed in flames

There are three areas of the game, each of great holy importance. First there is your farm, where you sleep, grow vegetables, raise cows and chickens, store your tools, and eventually get laid by one of the lonely, sex-crazed town vixens. The town center, straight West of your farm, is where you buy vegetable seeds, new tools, chill with the honeys, and go to the incredibly inane town festivals that are held to keep the local population from revolting from sheer boredom. Also there is a nice cake shop where you can buy a cake for your honey, or restore your energy. But at 300g a cake, they are not cheap, and only for the high class cake gourmands in the town. Finally, there is the mountain, which is just West and North of your farm. This is where you can gather berries and fruit and such. A few animals and magic creatures live here as well, and is definitely worth checking out, as any magical creature would be.

Starting Out

Harvest Moon Protip: Watering virtual crops will make you hate yourself

You wake up at 6:00AM the next day (that’s about 8 hours before in real life) in your cozy little burnt down hut with your few possessions; a T.V. (used to check weather and a news channel that gives out useless information), a table (used as a pretend pirate ship when fits of severe depression and boredom set in), a stove (used primarily to stare at in awe), and a bed (where you realize what a horrible turn your life has taken, and contemplate if grinding your body in the feed machine would be the least painful way of ending your life).

The Tools

Just one of millions of stumps you will hack away at with an axe.

There are a few tools you start out with, a hoe, a hammer, an axe, a sickle, and a watering can. The hammer and axe are used to break up big rocks and stumps. You will be using these a lot, since it seems your farm is built on a highly active volcanic ridge that seems to push up giant rocks and large stumps at an almost constant rate. The sickle is used to cut grass, weeds, and unwanted vegetables. You can also carry it around with you to scare little kids and girl teenagers! Hurrah! The watering can is used to water all of your plants until the ground decides to give birth to another small mountain, destroying your farm, and causing you to try and use untapped mental powers to make your SNES explode. Also, all tools have a golden version hidden throughout the game, which are used to kill the alien zombie invaders later in the game.

Power Berries

Note: Not real Power Berries

Since using tools uses up your energy, which causes you to eventually collapse and die a horrible death from dehydration, you’re going to need something to keep your frail body alive.That’s where power berries come in! When you start the game, your energy is 100%. Finding a power berry raises it 10%. This helps you use tools more often. You can find power berries by hitting random things with your hammer, threatening townspeople, yelling at your TV, or when certain planets align to form some Greek God.

Festivals

Festivals are just another way for villagers to demean you

There are a few festivals during the year to give you a break from being bored, usually enabling you to be even more bored. During festivals you can buy rare items and meet the meaningless townspeople again. Most of the festivals increase your chances of getting into the girls’ pants, by doing a cheesy dance with them at the end. You can also buy them expensive perfume. Unfortunately, I really don’t have the cash for this though. Can’t they see I live in a house that most third-world countries would abandon in disgust, and that the only productive thing I do all day is to cut down the huge tree trunks that grew in my farm overnight? So no perfume for you, bitch! It’s the poor ass farmer’s life for me!

The Girls

Harvest Moon Protip: Penetrate one of these girls

There are five lovely girls in the game, and since this game is from Japan, your ultimate goal is to feel like a complete waste of humanity when a pixelated SNES character turns you down for a date. Even games mock my laughable attempts at relationships now. But as far as who your future heartbreakers are, there is Eve, Ann, Karen, and two other girls that escape my mind at the moment. If you do decide to marry a girl, make sure it’s late in the game, because you have to be home by 6:00PM or she’ll fall asleep and then you’ll get a tongue lashing in the morning….

Wife: I noticed you weren’t home before 6:00 again, as usual! I knew it! You
don’t love me anymore! I must be FAT
You: Sorry baby, I was working sooo hard last night!
Wife: Well, where’s my god damn flower then bitch?
You: I couldn’t find any, but baby-*places hand on shoulder*
Wife: RAPE
Police Man 1: You’re coming with me pervert!
You: But I only-
Police Man 2: This one’s not cooperating.
Police Man 1: Is force necessary?
Policeman 2: Most definitely.
Police Man 1 & 2: *Take out night sticks*

As you can see, marriage isn’t the answer unless you keep her locked in the basement and only open the door to give her food and pleasure her against her will. When the authorities come looking for her, start crying and screaming and demanding it is their fault she is missing, and if they don’t find her bloated dead body soon you will take legal action against everyone on Earth. If that doesn’t work, you can always use your golden axe on them. The smart farmer always looks for opportunities to save money, and just because you raped your wife doesn’t mean you should pass up a chance for free fertilizer.

So that basically sums up Harvest Moon for the SNES. It’s not always pretty or fun, but it was an entertaining game nonetheless. I became a fan of Harvest Moon because it was distinctly different from the rest of Nintendo’s lineup of games, which at the time was about 95% Street Fighter 2 clones, and 4% Final Fight rip-offs. But as time passed, and the SNES moved to that big junk drawer in the sky, I became acquainted with Nintendo’s newest console, the Nintendo 64. All was going well in the world, until I heard a sequel of Harvest Moon was being planned for the Nintendo 64. When I heard Harvest Moon had a sequel, I almost went doo-doo in my panties. I was pretty damn excited, but I still kept my expectations a little low just in case. At any rate, we’ll be covering that masterpiece of sheer boredom next week. Until then, save me a damn Power Berry.