OMGJeremy

02nd Sep2010

Guide To Being Sick

by Guest

Submitted by: Janine

It’s inevitable. If you work, go to school, or leave your dank hole in the ground for any form of social contact, you WILL get sick. I don’t care what herbs you ingest or how much dolphin placenta and shark cartilage soup you eat, germs and viruses and other assorted gross things will eventually leap out of the shadows and rape your various orifices, leaving you curled up in a ball and probably leaking. Let’s face it, people in general are filthy, crawling with gross, gooey, nasty things, like influenza and cooties, and projectile-germing you with even the slightest gaze in your general area. The only way to avoid these things is to walk around in a hazmat suit with a catheter for your whole life… and also not have sex. This may not be much of a stretch for some readers, but it’s still a rather unreasonable approach to life. So in exchange for sex and peeing without a tube running up your urethra, you get to cough, sneeze, sniff, wheeze, drip, leak, shiver, sweat, and do various other gross things with unpleasant frequency while you’re sick. Unless your idea of sex IS a catheter up your urethra, you’re probably willing to accept this trade. Note: if you in fact do have some catheter fetish, no, I do NOT wish to be educated on the topic.

She’s your wife.

I’m personally sick all the time, so I’m a fucking expert. The only problem is that my mother always makes me feel WORSE when I’m sick. She usually refuses to let me stay home, and if I do, she wants me to be in bed ALL DAY. Then when I go back to classes, the teachers expect me to have done these mountains of homework while I was sick. I wish parents and teachers would communicate better and get their shit straight, because I’m tired of lugging an eMac up two flights of stairs to my bedroom. They weigh about as much as Rosie O’Donnell with a donkey and two overweight midgets up her ass. So using my expertise I’ve compiled some useful information about things directly relating to being sick.

Symptoms

Symptoms are the worst part of being sick, even worse than medicine, since a) you wouldn’t have to take medicine if you didn’t have them, because b)you wouldn’t really be sick. There are many possible symptoms of most colds and viruses, so I’ll go over the most common ones.

Runny Noses: A staple of infections and allergies alike. They make your nose drip like a Filipino prostitute’s… you know, forcing you to either blow your nose incessantly, almost as annoying as the second option of sniffing and snorting the stuff back up. Of course you could always just let the mucous dribble down your face like the slow kid in grade school who always, ALWAYS stood really close to you. That’s not annoying at all. Usually, runny noses are followed by sudden, wet, messy sneezing that makes people loathe being near you more than they usually do. These people are often hit with nasal splash-back, and will generally then get sick themselves, unless they’re in their hazmat suit, smirking arrogantly at you and your various fluids.

Sore Throat: One of the many banes of my existence, right up there with people who use the word “japanime”. These can range in feeling from “I think I swallowed a metal koosh ball”, to “I think there was a lit match in that gin I just choked down”, to “My throat is so dry I’m tempted to drink my own urine”. Sore throats usually accompany coughs, which can either be dry and painful, or wet and juicy to the point of being like oral sneezes.

Richard Gere and Bea Arthur. Infected.

Remember what my dad always tells me when I’m sick, “If there’s crud in your throat when you’re coughing, suck it up and spit it out.” Ewwww.

Stomach Problems: This is just a broad way for me to categorize the following feelings:

when you can’t even eat one grape without violently ejecting the liquid volume of 20 grapes out your mouth
when your stomach is like one giant throbbing ulcer of agony equivalent to having a large metal pole rammed through your head, retracted, then rammed through your groin with twice as much force
and when bad, BAD things happen to what comes out of your ass.

I’m fortunate enough to rarely experience these sorts of symptoms, because I, like many people, don’t appreciate the feeling of my ass crying fire. Note: if you do appreciate the feeling of your ass crying fire, no, I do NOT wish to be educated on the topic.

The classiest drawing ever.

When Your Body Says “Fuck You”: This would be when your muscles are sore and stiff like you’d just been in a 100 mile sprint with a naked Mr. T on your heels the whole time. Tiredness and pain mean that you should go to bed and give your body a chance to recover, because if you don’t, it’ll probably bust a cap in your ass.

So what do you do when you’ve come down with something? See a doctor, sackbreath!

Doctors

When you’re sick, you really should see a doctor, in case your “flu” is actually 24-hour cancer or ass-herpes or something. Going to the doctor’s office usually sucks, though, especially in the winter. You can make an appointment for 4, get there at 3:45, and wait an hour in the waiting room before they even call your name, then you go and wait in the examination room for about 20 minutes before a doctor actually shows up. The worst part remains the waiting room. Crowded with sick people, infected children and dribbling seniors, in the winter months is almost impossible to get a seat, so you can often end up on that one tiny plastic chair in the children’s play section, surrounded with all the trappings of secondhand distractions for 5 year olds:

stuffed animals that appear to have been rubbed in dirt and fecal matter
books more battered than a pregnant Irish housewife
those weird pieces of wood with the wire loops that have fancy beads strung on them
and a dirty little Playskool farm in which the cow, meant to ‘moo’ when turned upside down, makes no sound unless you shake it violently, and even then the best you can get is some sort of frothy gurgling sound like a rabies-infected raccoon sinking into the depths of a tar pit.

Hell.

The doctor him or herself can be pretty bad too. Generally whenever I go to see the doctor I can look forward to my FAVORITE thing in the WHOLE WORLD because of the kinds of colds I get…

The Throat Swab!

If you’ve never had one of these done, it basically amounts to a REALLY long q-tip being inserted into your throat and wiggled around until you wretch, then popped in a specimen tube and sent away while you’re left with an unusual cottony feeling in your throat. This detects stuff like strep throat, and it’s annoying as hell.

Another test you might run in to at the doctor’s office is….

The Urine Sample!

You’re handed a cup and sent to the bathroom to pee in it. This is a LOT easier for boys than it is for girls. Boys aim, girls pray. One problem with this test is: what if you don’t have to go? Sometimes they’ll let you take the specimen cup home, and sometimes, you just have to turn the water faucet on and hope the honey-lemon tea you had two days ago is still running through your waterworks. Then, if it works, you can proudly hand the warm plastic cup to a nurse and proclaim, “I’m a big boy!” and hopefully go home.

Of course, you may also have to get….

The Blood Test!

I was scared of needles until I had about 5 of these in the space of 2 months. This test involves a piece of rubber hose tied around your arm and a needle piercing the inside of your elbow. The needle has a little container on the end that fills up with blood and makes me feel sick. The needle is pulled out and you get a bandage with a cotton ball under it and you have to walk to the car with your arm suspended so the bleeding will stop. I’m what’s known as a “bleeder” in that I don’t stop bleeding for awhile, which means that when I do, that cotton ball is crusted into the puncture wound and it hurts like a bitch to pull it away.

Now chances are that after going to the doctor, he’ll send you out to buy something. Cheese? Porn? A bacon-double-cheeseburger? No, crapface! Medicine!

Medicines

You can always fight a cold of with rest and boring shit like that, OR you can take pills and stuff and stay up late to actually take advantage of your unplanned vacation time. Granted that hoovering medicine can cause kidney problems and other very bad things but… it’s all worth it to reduce an annoying little cough! And if you don’t agree, you’re stupid. Medicine can be broken in to two categories, prescription and over-the-counter.

Prescription Medication: This is the stuff the doctor sends you to a pharmacy with a piece of paper to get. It’s usually expensive, bad-tasting, and it can make you see weird, crazy things…

Over-the-Counter Medication: When you’re sick, this stuff will probably touch your lips at least once. Most of the time doctors will refer you to something simple in this category like Dimetapp instead of a prescription. This covers Advil and cough syrup, throat lozenges and special drinks… Most of the stuff in this category is VERY gross, so I’ve included a general flavor guide to specifically help you pick the best of the flavored syrups and stuff:

Cherry Flavor: BURNY! NOT YUMMY!
Lemon: Kind of like candy, but candy rubbed in some sort of horrible chemical.
“Original”: This isn’t a flavor, DO NOT BE FOOLED! It just tastes like heinous toxic animal feces.
Bubble gum: If we lived in a world where chemicals really tasted like fucking BUBBLE GUM, don’t you think we would have a cure for cancer?

Turning into a stick figure is also a symptom of being sick...

A special mention goes to NeoCitran, a flavor in itself. If you don’t know, this stuff is powder that you stir into water and it becomes kind of like lemonade. It can be yellow or pink. I used to drink this stuff a LOT when I was little. I loved it. Now I can barely take a sip without being overwhelmed by the burning taste of ass.

Well now that you’re on the road to recovery, what should you do with what remains of your germiness? Lick your enemies, fatass!

Making the Most of Your Infection

So you don’t end up wasting a perfectly good opportunity to waste time and amuse yourself, try doing some of the following while you’re sick:

lick your hand thoroughly, let it dry, then shake hands with the biggest jerk you know
if you come across another person’s toothbrush, stick it in your nose
find a lineup for something and stand really close to the person in front of you, then cough on their neck.
go to a library, hide amid the shelves, and sneeze into your hands while leafing through books
borrow somebody’s sweater for a while and wipe your nose on the sleeve whenever it’s runny
stir a few spoonfuls of cough syrup into some orange juice and invite a few people over for breakfast
sit in a public place an loudly snort clumps of phlegm and excess nasal mucous into your mouth, then spit them into garbage cans and ashtrays

Hopefully you now have enough information to live through being sick, and make everyone around you as miserable as you are.

… Unless you’re sitting there in a hazmat suit smirking arrogantly and mocking me…

Well either way, go give the slow-kid with the runny nose a hug. He’s been waiting, and you need no longer fear his germs.