OMGJeremy

Fifty Of The Worst Games We’ve Ever Played Pt.5: Skitchin’ To The End

I come to you this week with a heavy heart. You see, this is the last week for the fifty worst games we’ve ever played, which unfortunately means we have come to the very last ten games. There have been four miserable horrible articles before this, and this is the last.  Wait… that’s not bad news. That’s AWESOME news! No more sitting here trying to remember all the awful games our brains forced us to forget! No more random flashbacks to playing awful wrestling games! No more mentions of Jaguar games! Oh God, today is truly GLORY!. So sit back, and endure just a while longer, friends. This is the last terrible corner leading to a bright and open field full of much better game memories. Huzzah!

Spy vs Spy (NES) – Jeremy

What the fuck was this game even about? Does anyone know? Twenty five years later and I STILL don’t really know what to do in Spy vs Spy. The basic premise being that you’re supposed to lay traps for the other spy to spring. A cool idea, but the whole fucking thing is flawed from the beginning since the whole game is played in split screen. So unless you put up a piece of cardboard or something, the second player could watch every damn thing you did. Creating an endless dance of no one getting anywhere. And even if you promised not to look, you know you would anyway, because why wouldn’t you? The other screen is literally in your peripheral vision. You had to try NOT to look at it. It was like watching two kids that would constantly cheat play hide and seek. That’s no damn fun at all, and neither is this game.

Homies Rollerz (DS) – Billy

While my son has never read OMGJeremy.com (because I’m a good parent), we can all thank him for this contribution and for spending his hard-earned $2.50 for this shitter. Homies were a line of little plastic semi-racist toys that were all the rage back in the early 2000’s. They populated the 50 cent machines at Wal-Marts all across the country before people realized that they were pumping in quarters for figures that were just large enough to be a choking hazard, or doomed to be lost in couch cushions for all eternity. Unfortunately for gamers though, every semi-popular thing in the world is ordained by some sad law that it gets its own goddamn cart racer at some point, and Homies was no different. Destineer sampled the Mario Kart DNA that is apparently readily available to everyone, and came out with their own inferior, and slightly retarded clone. And just like every off-brand cart racer ever made from some shitty franchise before, this one has problems. The biggest being that the difficulty is beyond belief. All of the obstacles you face in the game don’t mean shit to the computer, as they just proceed to fly through levels, leaving you far far behind. This is a huge problem, since you absolutely HAVE to place first in every race to advance. It also does one of the things I hate the absolute most in a racing game, where turning your car causes the camera to go insane and completely change angle. Sure, it can’t be fixed the entire time, but it throws you off a little when a turn results in such a dramatic angle shift. This is probably one of the worst cart games out there, and that is saying a lot. I didn’t even mention anything about the graphics or the sound, because I am pretty sure you can guess what those quality of those are. I’m sure my son will just have to toss this purchase into the “live and learn” category. Then the trash, shortly thereafter.

Road Rash 64 (N64) – Jeremy

Road Rash for the 3DO remains one of my favorite games of all time. I was never that much into the Road Rash series before then, but the game released on the 3DO was an instant classic. After playing that game for months straight, I couldn’t wait to see what would come next on the PSX or N64. Both consoles were technically capable of destroying what was done on the 3DO, so it was only a matter of time before a worthy sequel was released. Eventually Road Rash 3D was released on the PSX, which was OK I guess, but nothing compared to the 3DO release. It felt slow and sluggish, putting the main focus on its huge go-anywhere open-world map. Still, it had its merits.The shit didn’t really hit the fan until the N64 game was released though, which is just a blurry shadow of what even the original Genesis Road Rash games were. It at least scaled back the open-world environment seen in Road Rash 3D, bringing the series back to single point races with a pack of other bikers. But while they remembered to bring the series back to its roots, they completely forgot to put in any sort of fun those classic games had in at all. This game is the very definition of joyless. Everything looks bland, the controls are twitchy, fighting other bikers is literally hit or miss (mostly miss), and nothing about anything would ever convince anyone that this series was once one of the most loved racing games out there. I’m still waiting for that worthy sequel, EA.

Iron Man (360) – Billy

Presenting the game that single-handedly stunk up 2008. Everyone was still in full hype mode after the amazing IM film, so needless to say a lot of folks went into this one with their hopes up. Yes, for a brief period of time the world forgot how movie-to-game translations work out just because Iron Man is so cool. What a thrill it would be to carry on in an open world as Iron Man, able to fly freely and use all of your pretty awesome weaponry. Well, the weaponry was there, and the ability to fly was there… but that doesn’t mean it was fun. Controls were awkward beyond belief, and most of the time flying wasn’t a good option since you would zip immediately past your target and then have to turn around and just simply hover in place, dispensing missile after missile. That wouldn’t even be TOO big of a problem if it wasn’t the only thing you do the entire game. This is a level of repetitiveness the likes of which I have never seen in a video-game. Pong gave you more things to do than this pile. I actually had to think for awhile before putting it on here. Was it just because of the hype in my head due to the film that I expected so much? If this was some other title with another coat of paint, would I even care? Eh, who knows. It is what it is though, and it is a failed attempt at something that should have been easier to pull off than a drunk 17 year old’s dress.

Smurfs: Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle (ColecoVision) – Billy

The 80’s sure did know how to raise a kid up right. Most movies consisted of cursing, nudity, and explosions, and the video-games didn’t pussy around and take it easy on you. Case in point is this shitter. While difficulty is welcomed, this game demanded a bit too much. You pretty much just crossed over a few different screens jumping over various obstacles. But the real challenge hit when you realized that the hit detection was so shitty, and the controls so stiff, that the game became pretty much a test of patience. A test of patience that rarely lasted more than a few minutes. Most jumps had to be cut so close that you literally had a pixel or so to work with. Factor in that the game was bland as can be, the obstacles and backgrounds varied so little, and there wasn’t even any goddamned Gargamel showdown at the end. This could have been a fairly fun romp for kids on the Coleco, but instead it was just a test of patience and attention span.

Skitchin’ (Genesis) – Jeremy

At some point, EA decided to take the successful Road Rash game code, strip it down, and re-skin the entire thing into a rollerblading game. The game was Skitchin’. And just like how everyone thought rollerblading was so cool for a couple of months in 1992, so too was Skitchin.’ Then, just like rollerblading, everyone realized it was way too frustrating, and not worth the time it took to get any sort of real fun out of it. Skitchin’ was basically Road Rash without the bikes. You raced on road courses against a bunch of other dudes, punching and flailing your way to the finish line. The main game mechanic however, came from accelerating your rollerblade guy by grabbing hold of the backs of cars driving by, which would then send you flying forward. Doing this created an incredibly frustrating experience, as you literally relied on random AI cars to get your speed back up if you crashed (and would, quite regularly). It was maddening. Especially when you would finally find a car to skitch, only to let go and run uncontrollably head first into the back of another car. Leaving you to slowly get back up, and then wait patiently for another car to drive by. It’s like you had to wait for the game to let you play it. No thanks. I’d rather strap on real rollerblades. And that’s saying a lot.

Amagon (NES) – Jeremy P.

I don’t know what convinced me to buy this game, except possibly for bags of Pixy Stix and that even as a child I was a complete asshole with money. I bought some real turds in my time, but I’m not sure that I owned a worse game than Amagon. This was a standard side scrolling shooter with a unique twist– as you run through the level you can power-up and turn from Amagon the regular guy into MEGAGON, who was some sort of giant caveman looking guy who in theory will kick ass and take names. Amagon in normal form dies in one hit, which is a giant pain in the ass when every single thing on the island is out to kill you. And, to make this game even more fun, when you die you get teleported back to the start of the level. Infuriating. But, eventually you manage to shoot and dodge enough of the things on the level to power up, and what happens? You become some sort of shirtless muscleman who can pose and shoot beams from his body at the cost of his own life. Sure, you get a few extra hits once you’re Megagon before you die– but your controls still suck. A poorly timed / placed jump will just straight up kill you regardless– and then you go right back to the beginning again as regular old Amagon. Fuck that. After months of trying, I think I traded this cartridge for an ice cream sandwich, and I’m pretty sure that I got the best of that deal.

Ikari Warriors 2 (NES) – Jeremy

I barely remember this game. But what I do remember, I remember being thoroughly terrible. I know that the original Ikari Warriors is not a great game, but it had a place in my heart. The solid co-op play was pretty entertaining for my sugar-addled child mind, and it was also just fun to blow anything and everything up. So one day at the video store, I noticed Ikari Warriors 2 sitting on the shelf, and snatched it up with the quickness. After popping it in the NES, I was met with the same basic gameplay for a few stages, and then all of a sudden the game decided to go INSANE. Suddenly gone is the jungle/military setting, replaced out of nowhere with SPACE. Yes, space. The game put you in space, battling huge spiders and aliens and whatever else the newly addicted to ice developers could dream up. Not only that, but it became unbearable to play with its constant slowdown and sprite flicker, thanks to the larger alien sprites. Oh, and I also beat it in a single hour-long sitting. Left sitting and staring at an ending screen that simply said “end.” What a waste of a sequel, and a rental.

Contra: Legacy Of War (PSX) – Jeremy

How do you kill a franchise? If you’re ever curious, then I suggest you take a look at Contra: Legacy Of War. One of the most beloved action games of the NES and 16-bit eras, Contra could seemingly do no wrong. Then suddenly came the Playstation, and Konami apparently said “fuck it.” Tossing their AAA franchise to a completely average and unproven European developer, they sat by and watched as Contra was reduced to an absolutely terrible overhead 3D shooter that no one wanted. Not only did it play nothing like Contra, but the game was generally so broken in certain spots, that it was complete luck if you could make it past. I won’t even mention the platforming sections, as I refuse to let this game hurt me anymore. From here on out, Contra became a half-assed brand that never returned to its former popularity.

Jurassic Park: Trespasser (PC) – Jeremy

While Jurassic Park 3DO was a laughable attempt at a game, JP Trespasser was the real deal. Based years after the original movie, you played as some woman fumbling through the remnants of the now dino-infested island. The game was hyped for years, featuring a never before seen physics model, and graphics that would push the pc to the limit. To its credit, the game featured both of those. To its detriment, the game was completely and utterly broken. You literally controlled the arm of the woman you played, creating a comedy of broken animation, and weird game-breaking physics. There’s a reason Youtube is filled with JP:T videos, as they are consistently some of the most unintentionally hilarious video game videos you can find. Years later, it is still considered the gold standard of terrible games. Here’s hoping no future games will ever put us in control of a disembodied arm.

That’s it! We’re done! I hope you guys had just as much fun reliving all of this awfulness as we did. And even if you were lucky enough to never play any of these atrocities, we hope you at least felt a little pity for those of us that did. Until next time, kids!