OMGJeremy

Reader Submission Corner: Being Thirsty Is Being Melodramatic

Submitted by: Melissa

The sound of a drink pouring into a glass is really irritating. I wish nobody would ever drink anything. I don’t understand thirst. As an idea it strikes me as strange and unfamiliar. As a need it strikes me as a gross exaggeration.

The sound of liquid pouring into a glass is a sound that I would gladly live the rest of my life without. I would also be glad to get rid of the sound of a cap twisting off of a plastic bottle or the “refreshing” sound soda makes when you pop the can open. Squeezing a plastic bottle is more than just a terrible sound, but one of the rare ones that I feel justified in complaining about since it is completely unnecessary to the process of consuming a drink. Ice cubes hitting the drink, or each other, is another one. Oh and carbonation.

The worst thing in the world.

But it’s more than the sound that bothers me with drinks. I have never been comfortable with the concept of needing to drink something. I feel like I have never, save for hangovers, experienced this feeling. I do not get having to wake up in the night to retrieve a glass of water or to drink something while eating a sandwich. I don’t understand why children express thirst so often as if they might die without an immediate drink. I never drink while eating, but wait until I’m done with my food. I can’t help but picture a horrible cocktail of chewed up food sloshing around inside people’s mouths while they take a swig of something to “wash it down.” Mouths aren’t toilets, they don’t need flushing.

And is being thirsty that much of an inconvenience? Oh no my mouth is kind of dry I need to stop everything to pour a full glass of anything, chug the entire thing, and then wash the glass. If I was thirsty enough to engage in such behavior it would take a lot more than a glass of whatever is around to fix the problem.

I also think most drinks are disgusting. When soda enters my mouth I have the unmistakable feeling of rotting teeth. Juice feels like liquid candy (and seems to have about as much sugar). Sports drinks taste like medicine mixed with an excessive amount of water. Why not just drink water? Smoothies, slushies, milkshakes, and the lot are just desserts in disguise, not drinks.

Barely acceptable.

I don’t drink anything cold for the most part. And the liquid that enters my body is purely utilitarian: coffee and tea. I need these things not just to stay awake but to prevent terrible headaches. I’m addicted. Sometimes I drink water if I need to take my vitamins and tea is unavailable.

I understand that my opinion on this matter is an unpopular one. However, I do not see evidence that people really need to drink as much as they seem to believe they do. I put forth the notion that most human beings are never as thirsty as they think, and the War on Dehydration is a scam thought up by the beverage industry. I am all for companies making money from consumers, I am just displeased that it has to take form as such a disgusting, noisy habit.