OMGJeremy

Guide To Small Town Living: Are You Tough Enough?

I am periodically fascinated by the choices people seem to make concerning their lives. I mean the generational trends, I guess. I am not so interested in the exceptions, because they are so unique that they sort of bore me. But looking out over the great herd of humanity, stretching out from horizon to horizon. They all graze the same, and sleep facing the same direction, against the wind. They seem to migrate in similar patterns. It may even have a complicated cyclical nature to it, but I am not enough of a social scientist to be able to tell at this moment. But it seems that people’s life choices seem to change over time.

As far as I know, just a hundred years ago or more, people had gigantic families and stayed pretty much on the same farm for generations. Then, as transportation and jobs improved, the families began to disperse. There were migrations to cities, children grew up and left for jobs located hundreds, thousands of miles away. The family size shrank as child mortality rates improved. Homes did not become long-standing ancestral stomping grounds, passed down from father to son to son to son. Indeed, homes were bought and sold with money on loan from banks, and really the banks began to own everyone’s property, rendering the concept of “home” into an idea that was both impermanent and unsentimental. The small towns began to die in favor of Big City Living, and it seemed like it would be that way forever.

But you know what? It DOESN’T seem to be staying that way at all! It seems another Great White Migration is at hand, has been on the wing for several years now. People are leaving the cities of industry in favor of small towns once more, maybe. What is drawing them out? What is causing this return to rural places? Many of these people have become suburbanites, which isn’t quite what I am talking about here. True, they are not in the cities, and dwell within a whitewashed world of safety and similitude, but small towns are actually more exciting than that. Also the suburbs are close to city conveniences and as they get older, they are developing their own characters which may prove to become more interesting as time wears on.

I am also not speaking of the dread subdivision lifestyle, which actually does seem to exist out in rural areas, horribly enough, and next to the suburbs, of course. Subdivisions, in my mind, are where the dead go to live out their lives in dull repetition, consuming and sleeping even when they are awake. I apologize to any of you subdivionists reading who still possess enough spirit to feel offended by my opinion here, but please do yourself a favor and move out of that shit-pit as soon as you can. There is no convenience that it offers that is convenient enough to make those crackerbox coffins worth the time or effort to be in. They are taking up space where wilderness should be. In my strong opinion on the matter, they should be built vertically to stack all of your breathing corpses out of the way of the good things remaining in this world. Supporting the expansion of these places sickens me. You sicken me.

This sure isn’t an improvement over an open field or agricultural runoff.

Small Towns themselves aren’t really all that bad. Now, I wouldn’t say they are as great as John Mellencamp promotes, but they aren’t as bad as most of you who have never lived in one probably think. I grew up in a small town, I lived and dreamed in a small town, educated in a small town, even – all just like Mr Mellencamp there and his song which will be in my head for the next few days until I manage to scrape it out with better tunes. However, god willing, I will not die and get buried in that small town. Please, don’t let me be. I will happily accept having a glorious statue of myself erected in that small town, but that is ALL. Oh, also it should be noted that I have lived in a few honest to god cities, and even another Small Town in my adult years, so I am bringing some experience to the table.

So maybe you are wondering if you should make the move to one of these Small Towns. Well, you’ve come to the right place for relatively unbiased opinions on the matter. Small Towns leave me neither hot nor cold. They can be nice, or they can be holes of heck. I imagine that maybe they vary by region, but honestly, every region has good and bad, and sometimes they are even neighboring towns. If you start shopping around for a new location in one, there are a few things you should keep in mind at all times:

By the way this is my modest plan for the statue I hope to see in my home town’s park some day.

Why Do You Even Want To?

I mean, what put the thought in your head? A lot of my contemporaries seem to think that it is an ideal place to Raise a Family. They are starting to pop out babies and want a Safe Place for them to grow up. They want to Put Down Roots. They want a home to call their own, a school system that is respectable, low crime statistics, a place to stay forever and ever because the CHILDREN shouldn’t be made to change schools and friends all the time, dang it. Really, it is frequently a children-based decision. I am glad to see so many people turning square and being all Responsible Parent about stuff. For a long while there, parents seemed to be more self-absorbed and career-oriented. NOT ANYMORE. Not in THIS economy. Ha ha. Hooray for ridiculous silver linings I guess.

Some of you may be interested in the experience of Small Town Living because you do not care for the rush of city life. You may just want to relax, or breathe in reasonably fresh air, disregarding any toxic clouds of fungicides and fertilizers billowing out from nearby farmlands. Or, again, maybe you just want lower crime. Maybe you have been mugged seventy times and burglarized two dozen times. Maybe the city killed your father. Whatever the reason, you just want to escape to a little village out there. That might not be a bad idea, frankly, so that you do not snap and turn into some sort of vigilante crazy person who will not last the night because you are NOT Charles Bronson and life is not a Death Wish movie. No matter how much I pray for it to be, every single day of my life.

Oh, but if only it WERE you.

Another reason that has compelled me in the past, so I can only assume that many of you have had the same idea, is the scheme that perhaps you and a group of your finest friends could move into a nameless small town and work together to MAKE it have a name whether it wants one or not! Wouldn’t that be exciting?? Just the group of you move on in and Make Changes. Maybe it would be so simple as start a zany little business in a place with low commercial building rent and then the business will become WILDLY POPULAR, maybe even LEGENDARY. Or maybe you would start an Art Movement or something historically significant that is more interesting than that. You guys could slowly infiltrate the small local government. Small Town governments are often noteworthy for not having anyone running against the incumbent office holder. You have Big Dreams of making a little Nothing Town into SOMETHING and you have the greatest chance of doing so when the population is quite minuscule in number.

All of these reasons AND PROBABLY MORE are completely fine reasons. To each his own. I hope you reach for the goals and ATTAIN THEM EASILY, kids. I am not going to stand in your way. In fact, if you ever want me to help out any way I can, just give me a holler. I’ll do my best. Do NOT move into a small town if you are looking to be employed by a company or business. Pickins is slim.

Where Kind Of Place Do You Delight In?

When scoping out small towns, you will find that you have the option of living within the confines of the town itself, or somewhere outside of it. You must determine what sort of environment you will flourish in. If you would be more comfortable outside of town, in the country or on a farm or something, you will need to wait for my detailed report on THAT kind of living. I am sorry but them’s the breaks. On the other hand, if you would actually like to live within the town limits, take my hand and follow me into the next paragraph.

Some towns are within an hour’s drive to the nearest Big City. Other towns are really in the middle of nowhere. Go visit several cities of different distances from a large city, go on I dare you. Spend some days there, doing all of that stuff. It will be a good exercise of your temperament, a good test of your patience, an endurance race of how easily you get bored.

Can you stand this being the most exciting part of your day?

Lots of small towns are adorable and picturesque. There are beautiful homes everywhere, wonderful yards with room for gardens. There are houses on the outskirts of towns that are more suited to the purposes of the Family Raisers. Hey, small towns even have apartment buildings and apartments above shops and things. A lot of you might wonder who in the heck would ever want to live in an apartment when you live in a place that has easily affordable whole houses complete with yards, and I want you to know that living in an apartment in a small town is actually kind of fun. No yardwork, plus a strange sense of having almost NO responsibilities to the home while still being in a small community gives one this almost indescribable sense of freedom that really is worth trying for at least a few months out of your life. I highly recommend trying it, actually. I personally have never done it myself, but I have known plenty who have. While you are living that dream, I also recommend that you join a motorcycle gang and/or associate with people of ill repute. Be prepared to move away without telling anyone when or where at the drop of a hat, however. Trust me, your new acquaintances have seen that behavior before. They will not mind.

Yes, But What of These Small Town Folks?

Small Town People are a strange bunch. You get all kinds there. You will of course run into busybodies, ignorant hicks, gardeners, the elderly who have lived their entire lives in that same place, incredibly annoying kids, Christian zealots, nice people, meth addicts, users, abusers, drama queens, everything you can think of; they will be there. Even in the smallest of small towns, I imagine that every town has the whole range. Even if you go into the smallest, shittiest little trash town, you will likely eventually encounter a snooty older woman who Judges All. I don’t know how anyone can be elitist in a nowhere place, but believe me, they find a way.

Speaking as a horrible recluse, I must say that the worst part about the small town people is that they are meddlesome gossips. Now, I admit to being a gossip in my own way, but they way THEY do it is in no way fun-spirited. They do not hear of sordid tales of their neighbors and laugh in delight. No. They tut and tsk. They are all judgmental old bastards and if you cannot stand that sort of thing, you are in for a world of hurt. They spread their rumors and step back to watch everyone look scandalized, smug at the damage to reputation they have caused. So you say, “well who cares?” No matter how much you don’t care that they are trying to tarnish your rep in the beginning, you will wind up caring eventually. It gets so tedious to be treated as a social pariah. When you hear whispers at the grocery store, when cashiers treat you differently, when you realize that not only does everyone around you actually know who you are, but they think poorly of you based on life decisions that you might not have even actually made, you get discouraged so quickly.

It seems impossible to be able to hide under anonymity as you can in city life. In a city, people don’t really care who you are or what you do. A lot of times, people are cordial to you and friendly, but they do not really want to know any more about you. Small town people are excessively over-friendly. They will claim that they are small town friendly. They will tell you that “this is how people are here” with a big smile. They are just being nosy. They want to have something to talk about. You will find across town that most businesses are places for locals to gather and gossip. It can be sort of fun if you have the nerve for it and can play that social game. Otherwise, it will get old FAST. Beware.

This man is likely a small town’s biggest celebrity. Fishing can catapult a local man to stardom.

You will probably also notice, North or South, East or West, that small towns are home to weird hog men who ride in the backs of pick-up trucks and holler. I have seen these people in several different communities, across several regions of the United States. They appear and I notice them, but no one I know ever seems to want to speak of them. I am not sure if they are results of two hundred years of incest, or if they are just an unsavory looking type of person. I know I should not jump to conclusions about their natures, but they do frighten me somewhat. Also, I know that ignorance and racism is not at all limited to rural areas, but do expect to encounter it frequently when out and about in your small town of choice. Unless you select a small town that is built around tourism and hippie ideals. In that case, be prepared to be confronted with the bullshit associated with those people.

My Honest Impression of How Convenient It Is: It ISN’T

One of the worst parts of Small Town Living is that you do not have the conveniences found in most large cities, obviously. The stores in the towns may be scant, you may need to drive to OTHER small towns in order to get certain goods. Do you hate the idea of shopping at a Walmart or other such place? You will have to get over it because these are the areas where Walmarts rule. They have space to expand and small businesses to crush.

If you are determined to support local small businesses only, anticipate a tiny selection and higher prices. Also anticipate being watched like a hawk by the proprietors if you are under the age of 55. Well I have news for you, shopkeeps! EVEN OLD LADIES HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO STEAL. GET OFF MY BACK. The good news, of course, is that if you move to the right small town, you will have an unlimited choice of antique stores, and shops selling “rustic” decor.

Things you don’t want at prices you don’t want to afford anyway!

Another inconvenience is the lack of public transportation of any sort. If you don’t drive you had sure as heck better move into the town itself so you can easily walk from one end to the other. When I lived in that small town in my adult years, I had to walk to the store, A MILE AWAY. I also needed to walk to the library which was ALSO a mile away in the other direction. And there is a hideous bias from people in the small towns against non-drivers. Sidewalks are leftover from days gone by, unkempt, sometimes nonexistent. When you tell people you do not drive, they immediately assume you have lost your license for Drinking and Driving. EVERYONE drives in the rural areas. Their cars define them a lot of the time. It is a terrible kind of bore.

IN CONCLUSION

I am so tired of writing an accidentally informative article about Small Towns and I am willing to bet those of you still reading are equally as tired of reading about them, so I shall put an end to this. Small towns are not for everyone, not by a long shot, but they do offer a type of lifestyle that you cannot get any other way. Yeah it can be quaint, but it can also be seedy. I am almost certain that there is more rampant harmful sorts of drug addiction in most small towns than there are in the cities. And you may have to grapple with boredom and feeling upset if you become shunned due to vile gossip. If you think that small towns are exempt from crime, or that perhaps the crime is limited to such darling things as jaywalking or the like, then boy you are in for a surprise. Many towns have become what I consider to be rural ghettos, full of tough sorts and dangerous elements. You may encounter xenophobic attitudes, feeling as if you will never be accepted, an eternal outsider. This is why you must do a bit of research before you move, suckers. I think you can pick up on these kinds of shitty attitudes after a few hours, maybe.

If you have just moved or are about to move to a small town, please enjoy the town parades and the emphasis on high school football. Take pride in the tiny park and support the local businesses. Eat at the non-franchise pizzerias and get so fat. Small town people like it when you are as fat as they are. Start worrying about your life choices because you don’t want to be judged. Revel in the fact that every move you make is being watched and everyone knows not only your name, but also your biography and any trivia that has been revealed or observed. Attend church even if you don’t believe in God, and never breathe a word of your beliefs to anyone. Pay attention to your local politics, never let your dog run loose or else someone will shoot or poison it, and generally try to keep middle-of-the-road in every aspect of your life. Look forward to the small festivals and occasional town-wide yard sales every year because you will soon feel that they are the highlights of excitement in your life. And if you don’t think you’d take joy in any of the things I’ve said, maybe you shouldn’t try to live in a small town after all.