OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Bondage Queen Kate Pt.1

Digging into the depths of hentai, one cannot ignore the sheer amount that deal in the area of bondage. A kinky form of sex that involves the male or female to wear tight leather and beat the other until they black-out, and then post movies of it on their AOL webspace. There may be more to bondage, as some people seem to genuinely consider it as a religion to follow, but I’m not really into the whole bondage scene, so I’m not interested in facts. Now, if I were doing an article on Ben and Jerry’s chocolate swirl ice cream, I would probably do a week’s worth of exhaustive research into the subject. Then I would try to get several guest interviews set up, and at least one interactive Flash game detailing the history of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate swirl ice cream. But as for bondage, I couldn’t care less.

Bondage and hentai on the other hand, seem to fit together like some kind of diseased puzzle. It’s in virtually every hentai movie ever created for reasons unknown. Even when the hentai movie has nothing to do with it at all, there will usually be at least one scene where someone dresses up in leather and carries a whip. It’s just the laws of the world I guess. I’m certainly not going to question it, because it seems to work at making Japanese men push semen out of their penis. But I will however be forced to write about it, as today’s hentai movie seems to have something to do with bondage, since it’s name just happens to be Bondage Queen Kate. Bondage Queen Kate seems to be your basic “Girl becomes police officer, Girl goes to distant desert planet, girl gets kidnapped and raped and forced into underground bondage ring” hentai movie. I’m sure you’ve seen a million of them already. Unfortunately it just so happens that you’re going to be forced to hear about another one today.

Oh god mY MIIIIIND

So yeah, bondage is basically what Bondage Queen Kate is all about. Most of it is built around a thin veil of a science fiction plot that doesn’t matter at all, as it is mostly just a device to set up the many rape/bondage scenes that our heroine Kate will encounter during the course of the very, very painful two hours that this movie runs. But, since this is a hentai review, I guess I’m obligated to go through such torture for your entertainment. Some people would call it “a devotion to fans”. I call it “too much free time”. But either way, don’t doubt for a minute that I wouldn’t punch you in the face if you asked me to give you one good reason as to why I do this.

Bondage Queen Kate begins in the desert, as we see a girl in leather crawling across the sand, looking as if she’s totally not feeling good at all. But as you can see from the pics above, at least she’s looking sexy doing so. The girl in question just happens to be our heroine Kate, and while I may suck at foreshadowing, I’m going to guess that this scene may come into play later in the movie. As it stands right now, it’s mostly just Kate talking about her love, and about the desert, and then flashes back to how she got into this whole mess to begin with.

Kate is a new recruit for the space police force, and as a requirement for all new and sexy female recruits, Kate is forced into her first assignment involving some kind of kidnapping going on on a desert planet. This is all explained to her by her stereotypical horny old man boss, and then gives Kate her equipment for the mission, which is a bag of dildos. Do you know why he gives her a bag of dildos as her equipment? Because God hates me. That’s why. Then the stereotypical assistant guy comes in to give Kate her secret microphone…which is another dildo. And even though I may be cursing at God for ever giving a human the ability to create this movie, the microphone dildo does deliver the most humorous scene in the entire movie, which I will recreate in it’s entirety below:

Assistant: This device contains a transmitter
Kate: Isn’t that? Doesn’t that go down there?
Assistant: Yes it does.
Assistant: Just kidding.

HAHAHAHAHA

Once Kate has her equipment straight, and a wardrobe consisting of the finest prostitute outfit I have ever seen, Kate sets out on her mission. Once she arrives on the desert planet, she is greeted by a strange handsome man wearing white. He of course tries to pick her up, as would any guy looking at a girl carrying a handbag that has RAPE ME in giant bold letters across it. Kate declines his offer, which enrages the man in white, and causes him to say the word bitch in Japanese. Kate then makes her way to a bus station, where she runs into Brick. Brick informs her that he is new in town, and looking at some sights. (SPOILERS AHEAD! DO NOT READ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANY IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS!) Brick is lying.

Kate is pretty unsure as to what she wants to do to accomplish her mission. On one hand, she has to be a total slut to accomplish her mission. On the other hand, Kate is not a total slut, and is actually a virgin. Oh the paradoxes! So what’s a prudish girl to do? Kate will have to wait until later to figure out a way to handle her mission, because she just so happens to run into Brick again, this time trying to get her to come to a hotel. Dick, Brick’s assistant, stands by and (SPOILER AHEAD) laughs.

Kate accepts the offer, feeling that if she declines she will not be acting slutty enough. Brick then leads her to the back seat of his giant…box…limo thing, while Dick sneers, presses some buttons, and away they go! Dick then informs Kate that she should drink the strange fluid in the tube he is holding to prevent dehydration in the desert. Kate gladly accepts the strange drink, and gulps it down. It’s pretty obvious that Kate is a (SPOILER) moron. There was more to this scene, but I was cleaning my fingernails, so I missed a good five minutes of the story. I think Dick laughed, and then fired a missile at some police car following them. Then I went to take a (SPOILER) piss.

I come back to my screen to see that Kate seems very uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because Brick has her hand up her ass. Or it could also have to do with the fact that the test tube juice Kate drank earlier just happened to be a diarrhettic, and Kate needs to take a giant shit. Brick finally agrees to let her go, and Kate makes her way down a small sand hill, past the sand crane, into the sand pit, down into the quick sand, and right into the mouth of a sand mole. UH OH!

Kate is pretty horrified now. Not only is the sand mole going to eat her, but stress does not help when you have diarrhea. Brick arrives just in time to throw Kate a rope before the sand mole reaches a fourth frame of animation. But Brick isn’t letting Kate out that easy, and instead makes her hang right above the mole pit. Brick says that he’ll let her live if she promises to do what ever he says, and is completely submissive to him. Kate accepts Brick’s offer and is pulled away. I discover I can cry like a girl.

Brick then tells Dick to prepare the car for “car sex” and I laugh for several minutes. Dick sneers and laughs too. Then we have the required long sex scene involving Brick raping Kate. Then Dick rapes Kate. Then the car probably rapes Kate. After it’s all over, Kate has actually FALLEN IN LOVE WITH BRICK, and has no problem that he just tried to kill her, and then raped her in the back of his car that was prepared for car sex. I don’t know. I just don’t know anything anymore.

After all the rape and love is finished, Brick and Dick take Kate to their secret underground bondage cave, where they meet the old bondage king of the bondage cave. He finally uncovers the shocking truth that Kate is in fact a police officer, but not really a very good one. Brick is stunned, but Kate reassures him by confessing her love to him. Sitting next to Brick is the mysterious guy dressed in white that was cursing at Kate earlier in this review. It seems he’s Brick’s main competition for being the next king of bondage cave, and he’s still genuinely pissed that Brick took the girl he was after in the first place. Brick pisses him off somehow, and he walks out all mad-like. I’m no psychic, but I’m going to guess we’ll be seeing him later.

Brick tells Kate that she is going to need to go into some kind of training room to finish her transformation from stupid slut cop to stupid slut cop with tight leather on. The door to the training room opens, Kate screams, and…and…CREDITS?! NO! That means there’s another one?! Well, you might have already guessed that, since the title of this review has a “pt.1″ skillfully placed at the end. That means you’ll have to wait until next week to see just how this riveting tale of stupidity turns out.

(SPOILER) TO BE CONTINUED