OMGJeremy

WHORING: Not That Glamorous; Five Reasons to Not Become a Prostitute

Times are hard these days. There is no doubting this statement – they really are as hard as you think. Many of you reading this unintentionally exhaustive article in idle moments between job hunting or unemployment checks may feel discouraged to the point of melodrama. There are no good jobs. There aren’t even that many LOUSY jobs, for that matter. Getting a bit desperate to rake in a little spending cash to feed your mouth, family, addictions, or bills, you may begin to consider the ultimate in desperate sources of income: Prostitution.

Street Whoring is an ancient profession, dating back to caveman days, when cavewomen would wear short, sheer smilodon pelts and entice the cavemenfolk into sexual congress in exchange for brontosaurus steaks or pretty rock bracelets. Not much has changed since those glorious days, except that there are more options for the average woman or man in these modern times, and possibly more STDs to be passed around, as viruses had not been invented back then.

There are a variety of kinds of whore these days, ranging from the lowly crackwhore to the lowly camwhore to the haughty housewife. One could say that any of you working a job you do not care to perform might as well be literally taking it up the ass. Don’t worry. Nobody judges you for it, because at the end of the day, perhaps we are ALL whores, at least metaphorically. But I am actually trying to dissuade you from being the commonly accepted form of whore, here. This paragraph was probably unnecessary, but I am not in the habit of deleting anything.

Reason #1: Pimps Can Be Most Unkind

Perhaps it is an unfair stereotype, a misinformed belief that many of us hold, but it appears to be a common opinion that Pimps are not very nice. For you real beginners out there who do not understand what function a pimp serves, I will tell you. The human pimp is a strong character who basically manages a stable of whores. He rules these ladies with a strong slap and an iron fist, directing them to certain street corners and hooking them up with clients. For his troubles, he takes a share of the pay. Some would say that he takes the lion’s share. If the prostitutes give him lip or backtalk, he will answer with a backHAND to the lip! See what I did there?? Oh it is early in the morning.

Sure, there is a character we are most of us aware of called the Pimp with the Heart of Gold. The man who takes care of his cluster of women as though they were as beloved to him as a group of girlfriends who he makes money off of by selling them off to men who desire to pay for sex sessions. Maybe street hookery would not be so bad if all pimps were as kind as generous as this sort, but the truth of the matter is that IF such a pimp man exists, he would almost certainly be shivved by a competitor and his women would be absorbed into other .. houses? Establishments? Territories? I am unfamiliar with what sort of word is used to describe this sort of situation. Just understand that you WILL NOT be so lucky as to have an understanding, forgiving “boss” in this new job you are considering.

Needs more outlandish platform shoes.

I hear that even the demeaning jobs are becoming difficult to find, even those with the worst bosses and managers who would be there to torment you and drive you to suicidal thoughts. Have you ever considered perhaps entering the sexy world of the entrepreneur? That’s right, be your own boss! Dream up a service or product that you could offer people who would come to your store, or order from your website. And no, I am not exactly recommending that you be your own sex pimp here. I am speaking of good, honest, non-sleazy activities. Or at least, legal products, regardless of the sleaze factor. We all have skills and talents that we could capitalize on, and many people these days like to “buy locally,” so get out there and offer them the chance to do so! It has got to be better than joblessness or WORSE.

Reason #2: Your Dignity Is Worth More Than You Will Actually Get Paid

How much would you charge someone to allow them entrance to any orifice of their choosing? What rates would you think would be fair in today’s street market? I will tell you point blank right now that whatever you are thinking, no matter how low and fair you honestly think you are being, it won’t be low enough. It won’t be as low as it would wind up being. Anyway, it won’t be your call. The decision of price would likely belong to your pimp daddy, and he is a business man. He will be sellin’ that ass of yours for a cheap price because he knows that he could double or triple the income that way. You’ll be ridden hard and more than likely put up wet for what will ultimately amount to a shameful pittance.

I find it to be an awkward subject, this placing value on a human life, on a human dignity. Slavery was never a hit with me, and many prostitution rings pretty much amount to sexual slavery, with no foreseeable manner of extracting oneself from that lifestyle without awakening the angry, punchy wrath of a madam or pimp. The drugs create an addiction where the illusion of being paid like it is a job is just that, an illusion. The pimps handle the paychecks and then sell the drugs to the same girls, getting the same money right back. And dignity… How does one put a price on such a thing? If you think you CAN price such a thing on yourself, then maybe you can go right on ahead and be an old whore. Maybe you ALREADY ARE.

I wanted to protect the identities of these real life prostitutes from a news site, but I wanted you to see the eyes. I hope blocking out their noses works just as well!

Instead of being paid less than what you are worth in exchange for giving up your whore-holes, why not instead get paid less than what you are worth while being a musician in a local band or a freelance artist or writer? There are plenty of ways to get screwed without being a prostitute, kids. If you want to feel degraded and undervalued, be a creative visionary, trying to sell your ideas and abilities to an uncaring world and a flooded market. You may starve in the process, but I assure you that you will retain your dignity. Unless you Sell Out, of course. But even then, Selling Out isn’t as bad as it sounds. Do you hear me, rich potential employers?? I AM NOT OPPOSED TO SELLING OUT.

Reason #3: Johns Are Rarely Good Catches

A variety of men hire hookers, I guess. Attractive men having a bit of seedy fun sometimes get in on that action. Perhaps stag parties will hire such a lady “as a joke” that might or might not wind up involving paid sex. Those nights might blissfully only involve awkward lapdances and the opportunity for a lady to steal a few items of worth when the party-goers are too intoxicated to notice. No one will call the cops because then they would have to admit that they mistakenly hired an illegal prostitute (where prostitution is illegal) instead of a certified stripper type. I have even heard of the occasional wealthy man hiring a prostitute and falling in love with her and they live happily ever after and a movie is made based on the premise. Readers, I am sorry to tell you that these scenarios are hardly the normal standard.

Most customers, or “Johns” as television has told me they are called, are creepy slimeballs who are unable to woo ladies by the more traditional methods. Or, they have no regard for women as human beings and treat them merely as holes with which to fornicate and have no problem with paying for the opportunity. There is no romance involved, and there is certainly no care. You will be used like an old workhorse but instead of plowing fields until you are sent to the glue factory, you will I guess just get plowed and wish that the glue factory would call you up. The men who might actually care for you might actually wind up being far creepier, as they pay for you to hug them tenderly for the allotted hour. Maybe that would be a nice change of pace, but I admit that I immediately imagined how those types of men must smell. But, then again, maybe you would not have a sense of smell anymore because of the cocaine you will have used by that point of your life. PS I have no idea how to stereotype the women or gay men who would hire the male prostitutes, other than the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall.

Don’t take him home to Mother.

Instead of pandering to Johns, perhaps you could plant a garden. Gardening is a good source of stress relief and adds beauty to your life and the world. If you began vegetable gardening, you could cut down on your grocery bills and nourish yourself, even your soul, with the fresh harvests. Container gardening is a wonderful activity and very enriching. It is certainly much more rewarding than holding your breath as you go down on a man who is too lonely and unwashed to get such attentions by any way that does not involve cash.

Reason #4: Beatings, Addictions, Assaults to Pride All Age You Rapidly

According to the site demographics I have been told about, most of us here are in our teens-to-early thirties. Put plainly, these are the most attractive years of our lives. Many of us would fetch a fairly decent price on the street, but you have to keep in mind that the worth of a whore declines rapidly as soon as she is taken for his/her first spin. With the passing of each paid sex act, the spirit of the prostitute diminishes a little; his or her personality becomes slightly more dead inside. These certainties absolutely show on the face, which becomes greyer in complexion and worn out in overall appearance. You will likely pick up some nasty drug habits in order to ignore the cold in your skimpy clothes in winter as well as the cold that builds up in your very soul. It doesn’t matter what time of year or how hot the day is with that cold. It will be ever-present.

Drugs really wear out a person. Have you ever knowingly seen a real life junkie? They look rough, man, and so will you within mere months of becoming prostitutionally active. As if the drug use wasn’t enough, you will likely get slapped up by your pimp, have the shit beaten out of you by some reprehensible paying customers, and get clawed by some of your street sisters who have decided to arbitrarily hate you. You are guaranteed to go from Pretty Decent Looking 22 Year Old to Beat As HELL Looking 45 Year Old WHO IS ALMOST 23 ACTUALLY in a matter of months! Maybe even WEEKS.

Consider yourself warned.

Instead of becoming a foul street walker with missing teeth, track marks, and dead eyes, why not instead give up a few of your luxuries? Get rid of that cable television, give up that internet bill. Join the local library and rent books and films for FREE. Use the computers there, after all, they were put there in every library in the world by rich people who wanted to donate them in order to keep people from feeling like they needed to turn to prostitution. Please, take advantage of this fact and allow rich folk to feel like they have made a positive difference in the world. You owe it to them, those beautiful golden human beings who can do no wrong.

Reason #5: Chances of Getting Murdered Increase Dramatically

How many of you reading this article have ever wanted a broken jaw? Raise your hands. Okay, now all of you who have wanted to be raped and then brutally murdered and left in a dumpster? Or how about chopped into bits and fed to pigs and the police never search for your body because it is hard to work up the motivation to lawfully avenge the painful death of a hooker? Okay, put down your hands. I’ve just remembered that I can’t see you to count you anyway. But I can bet that NOT MANY of you raised your hands at all! This is because most of us would like to survive, or at least die naturally in our sleep and not wind up in small raped chunks in the belly of a swine or madman.

Unfortunately, if you take the plunge and become a street whore, the odds of you dying at the hands of a killer become vastly more likely than they are today. Many serial killers start with prostitutes as their first victims. In the skewed mind of these monsters, they may believe that a prostitute is less than human, or in some way deserving of this execution. It is of course not true about these women and men who have fallen on hard times, but who can ever talk sense into a serial murderer, I ask you? According to movies I have seen, the answer is No One Ever.

The fate of all hookers? Possibly, for all I know.

So please do not become a statistic in this way. Perhaps instead of becoming a murdered hooker, you should continue drawing checks from the government while becoming involved with charity work? You will meet new friends and feel better about yourself and the world at the end of every day. Maybe that won’t buy you a new pair of designer-inspired shoes at Payless, but I would like to think that it would give you a sense of well-being far more valuable than any footwear.

In closing, I would like to bid you a heartfelt farewell, and a genuine wish that your future is bright and lucrative, each and every one of you. Times may indeed be as hard as all of that, but you don’t have to let it get you down, in the gutter along with the trash. The SEX TRASH. And any actual prostitutes who have been granted internet time and who have stumbled upon this article, I offer you my apologies. I should have written this article ten years ago. Perhaps it would have saved you as it will surely save so many others starting today.