OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Uncle Sam

I’d like to think that the “work” I’ve done writing for OMGJeremy has amounted to something. I mean, maybe I’ve convinced people to try out some games they otherwise would never have played. Maybe I got people to dust off their old systems for an afternoon of retro-gaming fun. My movie reviews, however, serve a completely different purpose. If I review a movie, I make sure to give away the plot twists, the ending… almost anything that would be worth watching it for. The reason I do this is simple – I’m making sure nobody else wastes their time on this movie by accident. If you rent something I’ve reviewed (and you’ve already read my review), then you are either the owner of a severe short-term memory problem, or you like to inflict pain upon yourself and others. Either is fine by me… but you had been warned.

The other thing I’d like to think is that I’ve taught people a few lessons. Here’s a new lesson for you, kiddies, and I hope you memorize this: If you are looking at a movie where the box has some stupid gimmick, be it a hologram, a thing that pops up, a light-up box, or “lick-and-taste” (not recommended for porno movies, by the way), then  put it back down on the shelf, turn around, and never pick it up again. A perfect example of this is Uncle Sam, which I am about to write about. The front of the box has a hologram of the stereotype Uncle Sam, an old man with a white beard in the red, white, and blue suit, and it says “I want you.” However, turn the box and the hologram changes to a zombie in the Uncle Sam suit and the word “DEAD” has been superimposed over “I want you”. Get it?! “I want you… DEAD!” … Ugh. This box now has a shitty gimmick and a lame catch phrase. This signifies to me one thing and one thing only…

This movie was going to suck in ways I hadn’t even imagined yet.

Let’s start at the beginning of the movie, because I think that’s the best way to cover things. We could start at the end and save all of us a lot of time, but if I had to sit through this, so do you. The movie starts a few weeks before the 4th of July, in the middle of some desert in the Middle East. A helicopter that was shot down by friendly fire is being searched to identify the dead from the badly burned bodies (in case you somehow don’t know this, “friendly fire” means it was fire from your own troops, not that the shots fired were NERF or covered in pictures of flowers and candy). As they are reading the dogtags of the victims (since their bodies are too badly burned to recognize by sight alone), they come upon the corpse of Sam Harper, the gunner for this particular helicopter.

As nameless soldier is reading Sam’s name off the dogtags, Sam’s eyes shoot open, and he grabs nameless soldier by the neck. Sam then takes the soldiers gun, and shoots the soldier, and the other two soldiers that were also in the patrol. Sam’s body then slumps back down and says, “Don’t be afraid, it’s only friendly fire.” Oh god.

Now, I hate witty quips in general in my horror movies, unless they come out of the mouth of Bruce Campbell. And you know what? Sam Harper is no Bruce Campbell. But that’s just one complaint. See, I love zombie movies. It’s pretty damn hard to ruin a zombie movie for me, no matter how stupid the plot is, and how bad the other actors are, as long as the zombies are mindless bloodthirsty mobs, I’m pretty happy. However… don’t make them talk, and if you do don’t make them say smart remarks. And “don’t be afraid, it’s just friendly fire” isn’t just witty, it’s not funny either! At this point, the movie shifts to the credits, which are accompanied by Stars and Stripes Forever and scroll over a montage of traditional looking Uncle Sam pictures, video clips, posters, buttplugs, basically anything and everything they could find with Uncle Sam’s face on it. At this point, however, I was already disgusted with this movie, so I turned it off and went in my room for a bit to clear my mind.

When I returned from masturbating furiously, … I mean reading a novel, I fast-forwarded through the (incredibly lengthy) credits sequence and the movie shifts to a little town called Little Rivers, USA. Little Rivers is the hometown of Sam Harper, so his body is being shipped back to his sister’s house. The town is preparing for the 4th of July celebration, and everyone is in good spirits, that is except for Sam’s remaining family, who we get introduced to now.

There they are, Sam’s loved ones. Louise Harper – Sam’s widow, Sally Baker – Sam’s sister, and Jody Baker – Sam’s nephew. Jody is the only member of this family of interesting note. Jody believes his Uncle Sam (blah…) is a true American Hero, and wants to be just like him when he grows up. Now, that’s not too big of a deal, but Jody takes it to levels of creepy unseen by me before. First of all, he always talks about how great his Uncle Sam was. He only plays with G.I. Joes and stares at pictures of Sam. That’s all he does all day long. Now, I’ll admit, I had a lot of G.I. Joes, but when I played with them it’s not like the Joes ever won! Actually, it’s not like the Cobras won ever either – even I wouldn’t allow Cobra Commander’s idiot plans to work. I always made a new army of ninjas led by Destro, because he had a metal face. Can you get any cooler than a metal face? No. No, you cant. Hey! Wasn’t I talking about a movie? Oh yeah… Uncle Sam.

We’ll skip a lot of boring unneeded character development (because it’s really not needed… just remember Jody loves Sam), and we’ll get to Sam’s reawakening. It is the night of July 3rd, right before midnight. Three local teenagers are celebrating the 4th of July in their own way – by getting drunk, hanging out in a cemetary, and painting swastikas on gravesites. Right. Everyone knows thats how you celebrate Arbor Day, but not the 4th! That’s downright disrespectful! As the clock strikes midnight, the teens light an American flag on fire and swirl it around – right on top of Sam’s gravesite.

Well, this lack of patriotism will not go unnoticed, and Jody’s Uncle Sam opens his eyes again, gets out of his coffin, and marches toward the graveyard. But he doesn’t go straight there… instead he finds another unpatriotic person to kill…

This nameless kid is going to be the town’s Uncle Sam for tomorrow’s festival, but he has cleverly figured out something else to do with the stilts his costume requires – peeping into the rooms of half naked girls. However, Sam is not pleased at such tarnishing of Uncle Sam… and he follows the boy into the park, and then unimaginatively kills the boy with scissors. Honestly, the boy didn’t really deserve to be killed. Hell, I’d even consider giving him a medal – that peeping idea was brilliant, but I can also see why he had to die. I mean, the writers needed a reason for Sam to no longer be dressed in his military uniform… he would now be dressed as…

Mr. Belvedere! No wait… that’s not right. I mean, Sam would now look just like Uncle Sam! This will allow him to go into the 4th of July festivities unnoticed, but first Sam has to go to the cemetery to take care of some business. Sam buries one alive in what would be Sam’s grave, hangs another on a flagpole until his neck snaps, and the third boy… well, he gets away. What? He escapes the wrath of a zombie that kills the unpatriotic? Well, not for long… but for the night, he is safe.

Sam now waits until morning when it’s time for the festival. He knows there are a few people he needs to kill for the good of the country. This movie moves slow enough through here that you get a chance to see all the bad acting. However, it is completely uninteresting. I have done you all a favor and highlighted the parts of this festival you need to see… and the people Sam needs to kill.

The Draft Dodger

This is Jody’s teacher, who is supposed to be organizing the parade for the 4th. Why does he deserve to die? Because during Vietman he was a hippie, and protested. He even went as far as to flee the country to avoid getting drafted. That is more than enough reason for Sam to kill him, but there’s even more of a reason to kill this guy. The actor playing the teacher is Timothy Bottoms, who would go on to play the role of President George Bush in the short lived Comedy Central show That’s My Bush. That show nearly killed the concept of funny while it was on! It may have been the worst show on a fairly unimpressive network… so knowing that this teacher had some part in that travesty of a show, even I want him dead. Let’s never speak of that other show again ever, ok?

As he is working on the last few preparations, the teacher realizes that the child playing George Washinton is missing his hatchet (the cherry tree incident, remember), so he runs back into the school to find it. Does he find it?

As a side note, what kind of lunatic gives a small child an actual hatchet!? That’s just asking for some sort of disater… I guess Little Rivers should be happy there wasn’t a float based on The Manhattan Project, or they’d all be fucked.

The Third Kid from the Graveyard

Ah yes, the previous night’s escapee. His name is Jesse Colbert, and apparently he’s the town’s closest thing to a boy band. Jesse is supposed to sing the National Anthem to start off the festivities, but unfortunately he has decided that it would be better to sing it horribly as a prank (like Roseanne did some years back) and then moon the crowd when he gets pulled offstage. You know, Jesse, you had a chance to redeem yourself… but I’m glad you didn’t as that makes a slightly better movie for me to force myself to sit through. Sam sees this act of complete disrespect for his country, and he’s not laughing.

Later on, Jesse has entered into a sack race through the woods. While he is pushing people over to get ahead by cheating, he himself gets knocked off of the trail, and down a steep hill. At the bottom of the hill he finds our favorite patriot zombie, and he asks for directions out of the woods. When the person dressed as Uncle Sam doesn’t respond, Jesse makes fun of his costume. That’s strike three in a game where you only need one strike to lose… and Jesse finally meets his end.

The Tax Cheat

This guy is dressed as Abraham Lincoln, and I don’t remember his name, so we’ll call him “Honest Abe.” He is dating Jody’s mom, but that wouldn’t get him killed. It’s what Honest Abe does when he’s not impersonating our 16th president that earns him the right to become the next victim of Uncle Sam. Honest Abe is a tax lawyer – that is to say his job is to try and not pay the government the money that businesses owe. Now, I personally don’t have a huge problem with this, but you can see why Sam wants to kill this guy. And how does Sam do it?

He unceremoniously shoots him in the head. I don’t know if this was intentional, but I got a cheap laugh out of it (one of the few I got while watching this). The gun that Uncle Sam uses he steals from a target shooting booth. So, again, Abraham Lincoln is shot in the head by (the) Booth’s gun! Maybe I’m stretching here, but I have to do something to make this movie more interesting, or I’m likely to turn it off and go back into my room for more… reading.

The Corrupt Cop

Oh no… look who this policeman is standing with? That’s Louise – Sam’s widow. This cop has spent most of the movie trying to get into her pants… and that’s not going to make Sam very happy. However, I think the writers wanted another reason to kill him off, so we watch him confiscate some marijuana from a local teenager (who later gets killed as well – I guess using pot counts as unpatriotic). Now, upholding the law is in no way unpatriotic, but then we watch him confiscate the weed – right into his pocket. Now he can get killed with a clear conscience.

He makes it through the day however, right up until evening when the town is readying the fireworks display. The policeman is too close to the display when it goes off and he falls back down off a hill, where luckily Uncle Sam is ready to catch him.

Unfortunately for him, Sam catches him with a spiked flagpole. Oh well. As the joker said “Never rub another man’s rhubarb.” That’s another lesson for you kids, and that’s what we’re all about here at OMGJ… lessons.

The Politician

Does he need a reason? Politicians are some of the most corrupt people on the face of the Earth. They take bribes, they pass laws to better themselves or their benefactors and not the country at large, and some of them commit the very things they make laws to stop regular people from doing. I don’t think Sam needs a good reason to kill him… I think he’s doing the world a favor.

I suppose I should explain this one a little better. Sam has tied the politician to the fireworks display the town had prepared. The shooting sparks are the fireworks that Uncle Sam put in his mouth, and right after this occurs, the whole display goes off, burning the politician to death. HOORAY for Uncle Sam! (Note – OMGJeremy does not condone the killing of any representatives of the government, unless of course you are a zombie dressed as a political icon. Then, you may go ahead).

At this point, the townspeople of Little Rivers do the first smart thing they’ve done all movie. After losing their law enforcement, their politicians, and a few other fairly well respected individuals, they’ve all run home. However, we can’t just end the movie here (unfortunately) because we’ve got a killer zombie still on the loose. However, this threat will be faced by possibly the strangest trio of heroes I’ve ever seen:

• This is Jody. Why is he fighting Sam? Doesn’t he love him and worship his every move? Well, not anymore! In a scene I chose to not talk about (luckily for you), Jody’s mom and aunt tell him about how Sam used to be a bully and used to beat them. This makes Sam look bad in Jody’s eyes, and now he wants to stop him!

• For no good reason, this boy (who is confined to a wheelchair and blind due to an unfortunate fireworks accident at last year’s celebration) has a psychic link with Sam. Even though the boy can’t see, he knows where Sam is, and Sam will not harm him. I no longer even question this, I’ve given up on logic at this point. Since i don’t remember his name, I will refer to him as “Wheelchair Johnny.”

• That’s right. Nobody else can round out this group like Isaac Hayes. Isaac plays an old war veteran who filled Sam’s head with old army stories, which convinced Sam to join the army. Isaac blames himself for Sam being a zombie, and so he is determined to stop him as well. Did I mention he has a prosthetic leg? Well, he does.

Now that our heroes have assembled, they need to find Sam. Luckily, Wheelchair Johnny knows just where Sam would go next – to get his wife back! So Isaac Hayes, Wheelchair Johnny, and Jody run back to Louise’s house, to try and get to her before Sam does. But who do you think they find at Louise’s house instead?

That’s right! Arthur Fonzarelli is at the house with his motorcycle! He then revs his engine and leaps over a pit of sharks, then lands and says “Ayyyyyyyyyyy!!” and gives a thumbs up. Then the gang heads back to Al’s for some burgers and a malt. Wait a second… that’s not what happens. I kept switching to TV Land during the movie. Sorry. Let’s get back to the movie. So instead of Fonzie, the trio runs into…

Uncle Sam – sans the mask! At this point, Sam confronts Isaac Hayes who gets ready to sing him a song about how he’s not a hero and how prostitutes are somehow patriotic. Before that can actually occur though, Sam throws Isaac Hayes though a window, and comes out for Jody and Louise. The day looks lost, but Jody has an idea…

Jody sends Isaac Hayes, Louise, and Wheelchair Johhny out to go get help or something and he begins to… rationalize with the zombie. This is a huge “NO!” for zombie movies. But what does Jody convince Sam to do? Why, to go outside and stand in the open and wait while Jody tells people how much he wants to be just like his Uncle Sam. Oh god… make this thing end!

However, this was just a clever ploy to stall time while Isaac Hayes went to go find a zombie fighting weapon like… a cannon?!

A cannon?! And a civil war era cannon at that! Well, that will definately stop a zombie. No wait. Hmm… fire stops zombies. Shooting out their brain can kill zombies. But I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a cannon kill a zombie. Then again, I don’t really know if Uncle Sam can be described as a zombie movie. I mean, there is an undead thing in it… but I think it better deserves the label of “pure shit movie,” not zombie movie.

So how does Isaac Hayes use the cannon safely? I mean, those cannons aren’t known for their accuracy. Well, the blind kid in the wheelchair tells him where to aim. Ok, I no longer care to even talk about this movie at all. But I will quickly summarize the end of this movie, and then I will go outside and smash the tape with a baseball bat. This movie isn’t just bad, it should be registered as a lethal weapon.

So the cannon is fired, knocking Jody’s Uncle Sam into the house, causing the house to burst into flames for no reason whatsoever.

However, no movie monster dies in one attack, so Uncle Sam then lumbers out of the house towards Jody. Luckily, Isaac Hayes loads the cannon again just in time to fire Uncle Sam into the house again, which explodes. That’s right. It explodes… whatever.

And then the zombie is finally stopped, and the people of Little River can go back to their daily boring lives. We get treated to one more scene where Jody throws out all of his toys, and burns them in a trash can. I know that’s how all my G.I. Joes met the end to their life too, but just out of boredom, not because I decided I hated my zombie uncle. He and I still get along. But the movie then plays the standard creepy music and Jody slowly turns around…

And then for no reason the screen breaks apart like it was a mirror getting smashed and the credits roll. Why? I don’t know. I’m just glad I’m done with this movie.

So what are my final thoughts on this movie? Well, I’d say this is hands down the dumbest movie I’ve seen recently. I’ve seen a lot of bad movies too… I mean, I’ve seen movies that defy all logic and have no real plot (Season of the Witch comes to mind) but even those movies didn’t make me want to vomit as much as Uncle Sam did. At least movies can’t get a whole lot dumber than than this… can they? Oh yeah, they can…