OMGJeremy

In Defense Of The Sega CD

I recall back when the SNES had just hit the scene, and my first time playing Super Mario World. Aside from being completely blown away by the game, I couldn’t help but be impressed by how far graphics had come along compared to the NES days. I saw this bright and detailed Mario running across my screen, and I thought about the Mario from the original Super Mario Bros. That game was officially done in my mind. That Mario was a thing of the past. I wasn’t going to help that 8 bit bastard save the day anymore. He would just have to throw a wig on of those Toads and put it face down before he plows it, because I wasn’t helping him rescue that princess any longer. Even my father had to take a sit down and stare at the tv for awhile, it was that impressive. Mario, the enemies, the levels, it all looked so incredible. I not only marveled at how far graphics had come, but I also wondered what could possibly be next.

I’m fairly certain most kids growing up in the 80′s who played video-games had dreams that one day graphics in games would progress to the point to where characters looked just like real people. I sure did look forward to the day to where I was controlling something that essentially looked like a television show or movie. Sure, I wished that movie was an adult film, but I was willing to settle for games that didn’t involve sexual intercourse if I HAD to. I figured that was coming one day, but little did I know that Sega was going to offer such a thing much sooner than I expected.

Well, at least it looked that way early on.

I owned a Genesis, but aside from a few games I was never really big on it. Maybe it was because if a game was available on both systems I usually opted for the superior SNES version, or maybe it was because Mutant League Football stayed planted into my Genesis for years at a time, but the Genesis just wasn’t my thing. At the time I considered it and I still consider it to be vastly inferior and a system that didn’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the SNES. To an extent, I really do hate the Genesis. But when I saw that promo video for the Sega CD, I was pretty damn excited.

This was boxing with REAL fighters, football with the REAL Joe Montana, a game with REAL explosions (and Master Chief on a budget), and some nonsense game with a REAL whore! It was only 1991, but with technology like this just around the corner, I half expected to look out my window and see a flying car shoot by or a robot walking a dog. The ads were good enough, but then came the video. Now, the ads alone caused me to deposit an almost-ignorable bowel movement into my pants, but the commercials stirred up a bowel rumbling within me that ended with my mother having to take me off to JC Penny to snatch up some new clothes. Don’t hate because you weren’t cool enough to shop at Penny, or “The Pen” as us cool kids called it.

The Release

Rarely does anything live up to the hype surrounding it, and unfortunately the Sega CD was no exception. It didn’t revolutionize gaming, or even really leave a lasting impression other than that of being a failed add-on and a horrible move on the part of Sega. Perhaps the biggest problem was the price. While the concept of an add-on to an already existing system was a pretty cool idea at the time (at least I thought so), the original retail price of it was very far from cool. When it was first released, the Sega CD would set you back MORE than what you paid for the Genesis itself. So you were pretty much paying your original $200 for the Genesis, and on top of that upwards of $300 for this add-on… and you still had something that didn’t even match the Super Nintendo quality-wise. Fortunately I was able to smooth-talk my parents into buying this thing for me. Thanks for working all that overtime, Dad.

My Sega CD came bundled with Sewer Shark, and for awhile that was the only game I had due to the games being oddly hard to find for the first few months. Not that I think it is going to be a problem, but I will offer these words of warning to companies that intend to put out consoles in the future:

Don’t bundle goddamn Sewer Shark with your system.

Why Sega decided to bundle one of the absolute worst titles with the launch of the Sega CD I have no clue. It is like a brand new fancy steakhouse serving Steak-Ums during the grand opening. Imagine if Nintendo would have bundled Wayne’s World with the SNES instead of Super Mario World. Sewer Shark was the game that gave you your first impression of this expensive-assed add-on you just whined your parents into buying, and it personally made me want to take it right back to the store and get my money back. I didn’t do that of course, because I have mental problems and am an avid collector of games.

The FMV sequences were decently cool, though something didn’t seem quite right. The video took up so little of the screen, probably about ¼ of it total. Was something wrong with my television, or was there some sort of setting I needed to mess with so I didn’t have to get within inches of the screen to see what was going on? Mind you I needed glasses by this point in time anyway, but would of course put off getting them for another 16 or so years. This was no error or faulty television at work, this was actually the case with several of the early titles. It would later be corrected and full screen FMV was achieved in games like TomCat Alley and Wirehead.

Yeah, Wirehead. Pretty much a choose-your-own-adventure game where you watch grainy-assed video and make a decision every now and then. If that description sounds familiar, that may be because that is the basis of half of the Sega CD library.

I didn’t think I would ever tire of those video sections of the games, as it was still just amazing to me that these were actual actors and actresses in my video-game. The amazement would wear off however, and when the initial “wow” brought forth by the video died down, that is when you really had to dig in and look long and hard for a Sega CD game worth owning. Brother, you had to dig deep.

I’m not trashing the Sega CD by any means. In fact, this article was meant to be in defense of it and to list some of the better games and high points. But I find it impossible to not mention some of the glaring problems the ill-fated add-on faced, and the overuse of FMV to death was probably the biggest offender. Oh yeah, that and the fact that it did NOTHING for the Genesis’ horrible and limited usage of color. I don’t know specifics or fancy talk about what the Genesis was capable of handling and putting out on the screen, for I am a simple man. But my simple man eyes know when I am seeing a muddled mess that looks like a SNES game dragged through the mud. There was rarely such a thing as bright colors, and a good portion of the FMV clips suffered from a lot more darkness than they should have. That or everything was just blurry as shit. But instead of trying to further explain, I’ll let ol’ Mad Dog McCree do the talking.

SPOILER ALERT: If you actually care that the ending of the game is spoiled in this clip, you need immediate help.

The Positives

Before this just turns into an all-out article where I just focus on the shitty aspects of the Sega CD, I feel I should now take a turn and speak of the positives. Yes, there were positives. No, none of them involved Mad Dog McCree. When you looked beyond all the shovelware and FMV-centric titles, the Sega CD still was able to manage a respectable lineup. If I could travel back in time though, I still wouldn’t recommend throwing down for it full-price. If I could go back in time I probably wouldn’t even think about the Sega CD, because I’d be too busy nailing all the hot girls I used to know that got fat before I could get a little. Because while my friends that didn’t know better would cheer me on for doing (name withheld so I don’t offend and in the event that they eventually drop that weight and are hot again), I would become the shame of my circle of friends if they learned that even when she uses Fat Girl Angle Shots she STILL has a double chin nowadays.

Okay, so how about some games?

The Sega CD doesn’t have the most impressive library in the world, but when it cranked out a good title it didn’t fuck around. It is almost like they knew they weren’t working with much, so they found it absolutely necessary that the few good titles were ones that would stand out for all time. They actually accomplished that with a few games. Of course, this is purely my opinion and all of the games I am listing may in fact be shit games but my own bad taste prevents me from seeing that. So yeah, here are a few games I consider cornerstones of the Sega CD library and definitely worth your time:

Mansion of Hidden Souls

This game ranks not only as my favorite Sega CD game, but one of my all time favorite games. One of the first games I ever played that could actually be considered “creepy” in some respects. You control a young man who is on the hunt for his sister who has just vanished into this mansion that has sprung up out of nowhere. Along the way you encounter other characters in the form of souls that are lingering about the mansion, some good and of course some bad. The odd thing is that the souls are now in the form of butterflies. Yes, butterflies. Okay, so it isn’t the SCARIEST game ever or anything… but if you’ve ever had a butterfly land on you and refuse to let go even though you are swatting at it and bit by bit taking off part of its wings in the process, you might be able to appreciate it.

I’d compare this to Myst in some aspects, as it uses that same FMV type way of moving around and it is full of puzzles. I’ve played through this game countless times, and I do not see fit to spoil any of the story at all about the game as it progresses through. This is honestly one that you have to play for yourself.

Of course the game does throw down a time limit on you about partway through, which totally fucks you over. Nothing better than having a nice, beautiful environment to travel around in and having to settle for blazing through it because the developers for whatever reason decided that this already short game needed to be even shorter. You’re never really stressed for time, and unless you are receiving a government check for your lack of mental ability, you should be able to knock it out possibly even in one sitting.

Still, to this very day this is an absolute beautiful game and one you should add to your collection. They put it out for the Saturn also, but there is no defending that piece of shit.

Sonic CD

I find the idea of explaining a Sonic the Hedgehog game about as ridiculous as explaining why my old dog used to spin around in circles while it took a shit. Some things are just there and you don’t ask questions. You just sit back, enjoy watching, and take a shit-ton of pictures of it.

While this Sonic didn’t really break the mold, it was the best of the 2D side-scrolling Sonic games (still to this day), and offered a little extra in the way of a time-warping effect that actually encouraged you to explore the levels at times rather than just holding down Right on the d-pad and occasionally hitting a jump button.

Oh yeah, this game has pretty much the best music you’ll ever hear. This game could have been shit and the music would still make it well worth playing. In fact, if you transferred the soundtrack over to other games they would instantly be playable. I’m going to give that theory a try with Sewer Shark one day.

Eternal Champions: Challenge from the Dark Side

This to me is probably one of my most under-appreciated fighters. Eternal Champions was decent on the Genesis, but the when sequel hit the Sega CD the shit really hit the fan… literally, one of the stage-specific finishers involved throwing your opponent into a gigantic fan. In the day and age where fighting games were determined to pack in as much of the red stuff as possible, this game managed to top them all and did such without ever seeming completely over the top. There were literally so many ways to devastate, decapitate, or just simply leave your opponent in an unrecognizable heap that it was seriously overwhelming. You had Overkills (stage specific kills), Sudden Death (stage specific kills that could be triggered while the opponent was in a low-health state), Vendettas (character specific kills), and Cinekills. Cinekills were extremely impressive at the time. Basically, after meeting certain criteria involving combos, opponent health percentage, the direction of the wind, whether or not you sucked the developers dick yet, you would be able to pull off these very unique finishers. Triggering such would put your opponent face to face with the Dark Champion, who would think proceed to kill him / her using their own greatest fear against them. This was even done with some pretty smooth looking cinematics, which was generally a rarity on the Sega CD.

Panic!

One of the few “humor” games I have ever played that actually brought forth some decent laughs. In this game you control a young boy with his faithful dog, that progresses through the game by hitting various switches and buttons to either move on to the next stage, cause some sort of general wackiness to happen to you, or trigger some disaster that ends with a well-recognized monument or building being destroyed. Some of the gags are pretty great, and even a tad bit on the shocking side. This is still the only game I’ve ever played that shows a pre-teen boy with a rather attractive set of fully revealed female breasts.

With each stage having multiple buttons to choose from, the replay value is very strong in this one. Oh yeah, it really sounds like all the sound effects are done by one individual. Sure, it’s a ghetto version of the guy from Police Academy, but it sure does have a lot of damn charm.

And more!

There were plenty of other great games for the Sega CD, but I don’t want this article to go on forever and honestly I am getting a little lazy here. Other great games included Rise of the Dragon, Snatcher (proof that Hideo Kojima can actually write a decent game), and a pretty kickass WWF game for the time.

One of my favorites, Slam City with Scottie Pippen, is actually a shitty game… but I just can’t get enough of it. I recently regained interest in it after learning that one of your opponents in it got arrested a few years back for performing oral sex on a bunch of old women on a beach. Oh, and it had the best intro song ever put into a video game:

In Closing

Was this an unnecessary cash-in by Sega and a lame effort to try and get a leg up on the dominant Super Nintendo? Sure, it was. Don’t let that stop you from giving it a try though. Even if you didn’t get to play it back in its prime (not that it had one), you can probably find the unit pretty cheap on eBay or one of those other sites that people sell shit on or at least act like they are going to sell shit but really just end up ripping your ass off. But trust me, I think if someone has a Sega CD up for auction then they aren’t really concerned with stealing a lot of money.

I DO NOT recommend playing these games via emulator, because half of the fun was looking at the monstrosity of the Genesis and Sega CD hooked together and having sex on your entertainment center.

For the record, the Genesis was the bitch.