OMGJeremy

Guide To Suicide

This Is A Grey Article of Utter Despair

I wasn’t at all prepared to contribute anything to this week’s update. I hadn’t even considered it, actually. But then Jeremy approached me with some startling words: “I will suck your dick if you write even a Medium-Sized Article by tonight.” After several minutes of explaining the difference between boys and girls, I told him that I’d see what I could do. I mean, I didn’t have a topic, I hadn’t written an article in months, and I only had about four hours to get everything I needed together. That was about when I became sorrowful and my thoughts led to suicide. It’s only natural, after all, that a regular contributor to this website would not be a stranger to such ideas. However, I quickly realized that this would be a good, easy topic. Plus, guides are all the rage these days so I might as well cash in on something which will practically write itself!

Surprisingly, many many many people dislike suicide. They think it’s a coward’s way out of a bad situation, or they think it’s just sad that so many people are just that depressed. We probably all have known someone who has done it. So, before any of you people who have been upset by a loved one’s suicide write me angry emails for making anything even remotely close to a joke about it, just remember that I have known suicide victims as well, plus I have several friends who have attempted it through the years. The fact is, different people think of suicide in a different way, and different cultures vary on their opinions as well. There are the Jack Kavorkians who contrast with most goody-goody types, the Japanese in WWII were all kamikaze and kamikarazee for killing themselves for war stuff. And a lot of et ceteras which would sound very good if I were writing a term paper on suicide – which I am NOT doing. So I can just skip over it since I’m in a rush anyway.

Yes. Suicide. It’s a very serious result of a very depressed person. Or, it’s a cry for help. We all know those people who “try” to kill themselves without actually intending to be successful with it. Mall Goths or nearly any teen who feels that he or she is “different from everyone else” and “terribly misunderstood” has considered it at length if not actually attempted it. Those people who are wallowing in their own self-pity and really want that very last blast of attention probably need a guide to help them with making the right choice from the literally BAZILLIONS of different methods and scenarios the creative mind can cook up. Unfortunately for them, I’m writing this article, so it won’t really be that informative. On with the guide!

Bullet + Brain Matter = the End

• Suicide Method – shooting the self
• Materials – some sort of handgun, or a shotgun with twine and a system of pulleys and levers, also several bullets, in case you miss

Bullets cannot harm a sad cartoon bear. There is no relief for cartoons. Ever.

This somewhat common form of suicide is an old favorite of mine. It is intended for seriously suicidal people who aren’t messing around with their Great Escape. I usually imagine it being employed by downtrodden farmers or car salesmen who can barely afford to make ends meet, can’t pay the bills on time, the debtors are on their backs, and the wife just informed them that the eighth baby is on its way to suck down more finances. They are in a dreadful situation and the only thing that will get them out of the hole is one carefully placed pull of the trigger.

Pro Tip: This method is almost foolproof. The only people who miss their own heads are cartoons – and they don’t really count anyway. However, to make certain that you won’t be embarrassed in front of the other inmates in the State Depression Center after you’ve somehow missed your brain and shot off your nose, perhaps it is wise to study head anatomy and take shooting lessons. No one wants to be laughed at, especially not suicide failures. They’re so sensitive!

A Creaky Rope, the Rafters, and You

• Method of Suicide – Hanging
• Materials – a sturdy rope, or you can be desperate and use an extension cord or even your own belt!

This chump is doomed to failure. Can you see why?

People hang themselves sometimes. I don’t really know why, but they do. It seems like a pretty unpleasant way to go, and there are so many variables you have to watch out for. Prisoners who find that prison life isn’t their cup of tea, or who wind up on death row sometimes would rather end it all with their bed sheet or, somehow, their own underwear. Also, for some reason, certain younger depressed teens and younger adults prefer the noose because of some macabre romanticized notion that it’s “cool” or something. I don’t know, I’m just going by what a Goth told me one time.

Pro Tip: Hanging oneself can go hilariously wrong, so make sure you check your materials thoroughly. Be sure that your rope or belt or cord is strong and can support your weight, otherwise you may have an uncomfortable bruise on your bottom to go along with the one on your self-worth. Also make sure that the tree limb, beam, or whatever you’re hanging yourself from is sturdy. It is also good to check that your rope is not so long that when you jump off of your chair, you don’t just land on the floor. Use your thinking processes, please.

Pills Can Cure You Of Living

• Method of Suicide – Overdose on pills
• Materials – glass or pitcher of water, pills that will kill you if you take too many

This sugar dumplin' should have read the labels.

Every time I turn around these days, I hear about another depressed youth who tried to kill his or herself by overdosing on pills. Of course, through absolutely no fault of their own, they threw up the pills or merely got a headache and an ulcer. This has got to stop! Is it really so hard to do a little research on what mixture of pills will kill you in a fast and relatively certain amount of time? So many kids these days seem to only swallow a bottle, any bottle, of pills and then convulse until a parent or stranger hears them and rushes them to the hospital to get their stomach pumped. Then the youth is even more depressed over failure, or just because he or she is melodramatic, and the cycle continues. Rubbish!

Pro Tip: Read a few medical books, research. I know studying is for “squares” but failed suicide is for losers! Contrary to what must be popular belief, any old thing that looks like a pill won’t always kill you even if you take a thousand of them. Anyway, you probably wouldn’t want to take a pill that winds up killing you via extreme ulceration of the tummy and leaking of the veins, right? I think sleeping pills will get the job done, since so many people have overdosed on those in conjunction with liquorbooze. Or, you could just buy one big dosage of heroin and go out like a rock star! Fun times.

I Cut Myself For Fun, But It’s Just A Rehearsal For The Big Slice

• Method of Suicide – Slashing wrists, bleeding yourself to death
• Materials – a razor or good cutting knife

This boy will suffer from shiny smooth wrists!

A lot of people cut themselves. I actually don’t, but I’ve known a ton of kids, particularly girls, who do. They are tortured souls indeed, and usually grow out of it. And it seems like they all bear scars from “that one time [s/he] attempted suicide.” Of course, these wrist scars go across the veins, indicating that either they were terribly misinformed, not serious, or they used a cutting utensil so dull that it was retarded. This can be a tricky method, however. Sometimes you will survive no matter how much planning you put into it. You could take aspirins and alcohols to thin the blood, sit in a warm bath, and cut as deeply as you can from wrist to elbow and still wake up a few hours later from having passed out, bathwater now cool and sticky-ish, and with a nasty infection brewing in that arm. Gross.

Pro Tip: It’s almost a cliché now, but always remember to cut along the vein. Cut going up your arm! It really is quite simple! Then more blood will gush out and your tormented sorrow will be over so much faster. And don’t show your parents in order to delight in their worry until you seem to have lost at least the entire bathroom floor’s space in blood. Otherwise, they may compress enough and get medical attention sooner than you anticipated. And then you’ll be just another failure. Again.

If This One Doesn’t Work, You Can Always Claim That You Are Clumsy

• Method of Suicide – Pitching oneself off of or under things
• Materials - just you, baby, just you

Horses are courteous and gentle creatures.

I decided to combine these two tried and true acts of self-annihilation. There are actually many different ways of doing each of these, and doing them completely. You could jump off of a tall building, a tall bridge, a treacherous cliff, or even out of an airplane without a parachute. Get creative. The people will talk about you. Likewise, throwing yourself under heavy traffic, trains, or stampeding livestock could get similar results. Your corpse will be hideously mangled and broken.

Pro Tip: Strangely enough, though, these methods have been known to fail. I will give you the lowdown on how to get flattened and dead. Firstly, make sure your fall is the right distance. For some reason, scientists have found that there is a distance for humans that is high enough to kill you, but short enough so that you don’t relax or prepare for impact or whatever. There have been skydivers with failed parachutes who hit the ground and suffer only fractures. But, please, don’t go for a two or three story home, as that would just be pathetic. There is also a risk that motorists or livestock may veer off course to miss you. They do that sometimes. In the case of automobiles, you could cause a multi-car pile-up and then be charged with some horrible manslaughter and be sent to prison where you will have to carefully try to hang yourself with your sheet or uniform. And that would be very unfortunate indeed.

The Skull And Crossbones Are Your Friend, As Is That Silhouette Of The Corroding Finger

• Method of Suicide - Poisoning oneself
• Materials – any caustic household cleaning product

You’d better not change your mind halfway through, honeypants.

Moms like to keep clean kitchens and bathrooms. They have told us all since infancy that we should not taste the Drain-O or guzzle the bleach. These are wise words, really, for the person who wants to live another day. However, for the sad and inconsolable wretch who wants to die, and die painfully, these words are a beacon of hope. Judging from the back of any cleaning product’s container, the solutions contained within aren’t JUST solutions for getting rid of mildew and clogs; they are solutions to your never-ending struggle! Actual poisons for ants and rats, and harder-to-obtain things like cyanide and arsenic seem to do the trick as well. But they can be very unpleasant.

Pro Tip: It seems like this method could never fail. You’d think that a stomach full of poisonous liquid would just kill you without any uncertainty. I used to think that until I saw some television show of strange and interesting stories. There was a man who tried killing himself with a cocktail of horrible cleaning products. However, after he drank it and felt his throat being dissolved, he panicked and realized that he didn’t want to die after all. He ran into the street where he was taken to the hospital and given a radical surgery. Since he lost his stomach, esophagus, and an alarming amount of his small intestine, the doctors somehow patched him up so that his small intestine links directly to his mouth. Food passes through him in like fifteen minutes. I bet his breath is unbelievably hideous, as well. BUT HE SURVIVED. Let that be a lesson to you.

Zzzzzzap! Bzzzzzt!

• Method of Suicide – Electrocution
• Materials – a toaster and a bathtub, or any electrical wires or outlets

The sad boy will have soggy toast in his bathwater of death.

In the fancy and whimsical world of cartoons, many a suicide is performed with the old toaster in the bathtub routine. Even though the characters never actually die for long, it was made quite clear to the viewer that electrocution was a very, very serious thing that could kill us all someday. This is why toast is made in the kitchen and not while relaxing in the bath. Traditionalists choose this method, possibly because of nostalgia for childhood. I am not a psychologist, so I am hardly qualified to babble about it. One could also just as easily stick a wet finger in an open light socket, or chew on Christmas Tree Lights. That’s how many cats choose to end it all every year. The holidays were always hard on cats, but I have never read any reports on the feline suicide statistics.

Pro Tip: Really, electricity is pretty tricky. After all, lightning is probably the hugest surge of electricity a human can come into contact with, and many lightning victims live through the event with only melted sneaker soles and funny hair. Then again, many people also die instantly and their bodies turn into stand up versions of themselves composed entirely of ash and then blows away in a light breeze. I suppose then that any attempt at electrocution could be just as random. So you might either get a tingling sensation, or you might get jolted right out of life. You’ll probably die though, in my opinion. Don’t try it unless you are dedicated to your death.

Hey – That Guy Looks Insane – Go Bug Him Or Something

• Method of Suicide – Intentional victim of murder
• Materials – your own hideous personality

Whatever you do, don’t choose the girl on your left. She doesn’t want to deal with your shit.

Maybe you’re the type of person who would feel guilty and selfish if you killed yourself. You know, that’s really nice of you. However, you still really wish you were dead. You try to be clumsy but you seem to have incredibly good luck. What should you do next? Easy. You should start bothering people. Be a real jackass and maybe some angry guy will be having a bad day and a loaded weapon. You’ll have to learn how to read people, though. It will do no good to harass the little mousey woman who plays the organ at church. You would only get a restraining order and maybe a night in jail. Also, don’t bother with trying to enrage the Tai Chi Master from the other side of town. And be sure that you are more than just irritating. Break into their homes and expose yourself if you have to. Lick their children in the faces and kick at their dogs. Really make them mad at you. But you’ll probably still only get jail time for it. People are remarkably easy-going, or at least non-confrontational, these days.

Pro Tip: What you need to look for is a creepy looking quiet guy who strikes you as… odd. It will also be good if you notice that he seems to always smell like blood and seems to watch people as if he were fantasizing about killing and eating them for pleasure. You are looking for an undiscovered serial killer. When you think you’ve found one, approach him or her and make it known that you want to go home with them. Tell them that you have no family and that you ran away from your past and are new in town. If you are a man and he is a man, recommend that you are interested in having homosexual escapades with him. Those serial killers are usually wildly homophobic and you will insure yourself of a horrible, unbelievable torturous death involving horrible, unbelievable forms of torturous rape – until you die. It’s just really hard to find a serial killer when you’re looking for one. That’s the biggest drawback.

This Is Neat And Everything, But I Really Have To Go Now

There are as many different ways of killing yourself as there are ways of living. If you think about it, there are plenty of ways you could choose to off yourself. I didn’t even bother covering self-suffocation, killing yourself with car-exhaust, or tying yourself to a stone which you will then toss into a deep river. Nor did I cover burning yourself in the village square like those monks did. Now that would be a way to get remembered! You could also join a cult or fanatical religious sect and suicide bomb people, which seems to be a popular thing to do these days. Those one guys killed themselves and many others by flying some planes into some buildings. Those were some suicides which made history!

Methods of suicide are as unique and individual as every person on earth. Know your faults and limitations and work with them. For example, if you were like Trev and therefore alarmingly allergic to dairy and eggs, you could splash milk on yourself or hit yourself in the head with an egg. Why, I bet you’d be convulsed and dead within six minutes! Or you could be like Jeremy and kill yourself by angering the world of fetishists like Bears and Furries until they form an angry mob and storm his house, and kill him with all of the methods imaginable! Combined! It would be suicide because he knows he is at risk, and yet he keeps going.

In summary, and because I’m a wimp, I must make it clear that suicide is a very bad thing. At least, it’s very bad to fail at. If you need attention, find a more constructive way to get it than feigning an attempt at killing yourself. Because, man, that’s really fucking pathetic. And those of you who do seriously want to kill yourselves, I think you should just stick with life and don’t try to get out so easily. It usually winds up upsetting a lot of people and makes you look like a jerk. I don’t know – it’s your life, so do whatever. Just think first, whatever you do. And stop being such a bitch-baby.