OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Midnight Panther (NSFW Warning: Boobs)

It is scientific fact that four things existed when life on Earth began millions of years ago:

1. A mild, wet climate, capable of sustaining life.
2. Large bodies of water, covering most of the Earth
3. A varied ecosystem that could harbor life forms that eventually made it to land.
4. Fantasy hentai

This is the only explanation we have been able to come up with, since it seems fantasy hentai has been around longer than eternity, and does not seem to have an end in sight. Probably because it seems to simply produce itself now, totally forgoing the process of needing artists and directors to create it. Fantasy hentai has become its own living, breathing organism over time, and it seems to be getting bigger and bigger with each passing year. Easily eclipsing Japan’s other popular hentai, which mostly features schoolgirls being raped by various people, monsters, and/or inanimate objects.

Fantasy hentai is of course a pornographic story set the period of time here on Earth when people had really big swords and fought large dragons all the time. This period of time has become very popular with most people, since it just seems so much cooler to go off and fight a dragon with a big sword, rather than going to a place of employment, and sitting for hours upon hours, slowly watching your life force (hp) slip away due to horrid bosses and coworkers that secretly plot how to speed up your inevitable suicide. Fantasy hentai however, is a place for people to escape in their rare free time to slay dragons, and rescue women that have no problem with you taking them whenever you feel the urge. Basically, it’s just like real life, just minus the hallucinatory drugs, and alleged rape convictions.

Just add boobs, and you're good to go.

So with fantasy hentai being the “in” thing these days, I decided we should take a look at some of it, just to see what all the rage is about. After searching for many seconds (90% of that time spent forgetting what I was looking for) I found what I was looking for. It’s yet another one of the popular hentai series type shows, in which the director does not have enough money or time to make a full length movie, and instead splits the movie into three or more episodes until they finally run out of money, and are forced to return to their previous jobs of staring longingly at people who actually have jobs. While many may not like this approach, it is a blessing to us who review these movies. Especially if we are the type of person who does not necessarily like hentai, and have had much of life’s happiness washed away after watching one episode of Cool Devices. So sitting through 24 minutes of hentai is much easier on the reviewer’s fragile mindset, than watching an entire hour and a half film, which would ultimately end up with us being sedated and detoxed in some fashion.

But anyway, the movie is Midnight Panther, which could have something to do with the midnight and panthers. But as we’ve all learned by now, anything with a title from Japan pretty much has little or no meaning, and seems to just be a couple of random words put together to form a loose phrase, that may or may not ever have any real bearing on the movie. As for the movie itself, Midnight Panther is as stated before, set in a fantasy type world with monsters and swords, and of course three stereotypical attractive women added in for the hentai element. These include:

• The feisty cute girl with the annoying voice who seems to be retarded.
• The large-breasted seductive girl who cannot keep her clothes attached to her body
• The tomboy girl who is always off battling monsters

I did not include their “mentor”, who is actually a woman that appears to be roughly six thousand years old, and more closely resembles a horribly deformed frog than anything else. The more time she spends on camera equals more time that I want to eject myself into the Earth’s stratosphere, and have my head explode like that one guy in Total Recall. I doubt it would be any more painful than seeing this “woman,” as she inexplicably gets even more horrifying with each passing scene. All culminating in one of the final scenes, where they show an extremely detailed close up of her face, which is about the time the police speculate I began screaming continuously for several hours.

As the movie starts out, we see that we will be starting with your basic “two drunk guys wobbling around” scene, which will surely lead to some type of trouble. Possibly involving their painful bloody deaths, since that seems to be the only reason drunks exist, to die in the most horrible ways possible. This seems to still hold true here, as our two happy drunks come across a lone girl in a red hood. The drunks begin saying lurid things as only two drunks can, and eventually get what they ask for when the girl suddenly drops her cloak, to reveal that she is totally nude. But why is she nude? Could it be that she is fully willing to give these drunks a good time right in the middle of the street? Or could it be that she is about to turn into a big ass cat, and rip their throats out? Well, if you haven’t seen the movie then I won’t spoil it for you, so I will leave this part in total suspense.

So after the girl gets done turning into a big ass cat and ripping the drunks’ throats out, we finally get to see the title screen, which conveniently shows us the title of the movie. Perhaps that scene was actually what the title meant, since the girl did turn into something close to a panther, and it was midnight, because there was a full moon. And we all know when you see a full moon in a movie that it means it’s midnight. So if we put two and two together:

Full moon = midnight
Girl = Panther
=
stupidity

The first half of the movie basically deals with introducing the characters. The biggest scene involving our tomgirl fighting a giant dragon on a mountain. This is of course won by the girl, after she does about 700 flips through the air, and stabs the dragon in the face with her sword. The story then trails off back to the hut where we finally see all three girls together, whining and bitching to the old frog mutant woman about various things. By the way, if you are starting to get the idea that this review is going to be slightly less in-depth than our past reviews were, then you are right. Mainly because, unlike our past movies that were able to sustain my attention on sheer shock and stupidity value alone, I am finding Midnight Panther to be unbearably boring already. This seems to be one of those hentai movies that actually had thought and planning put into it, instead of just letting the director scribble random thought blurbs and sexual fantasies onto a restaurant napkin, and calling it a script. Midnight Panther however, wreaks of quality design, and this is a bad, bad thing in hentai review land. Oh well. We’re in this for the long run, so let’s get this shit over with.

Change the scene now to a castle in a quiet kingdom. It is a dark stormy night. The perfect kind of night for awful things to happen, possibly in the castle mentioned before. We see a strange brooding man with a big sword approaching the castle. It is obvious this man is here to cause shenanigans. Bloody and violent shenanigans! He immediately follows up on our well-educated guess by chopping everyone in half. Then the scene immediately switches to a girl standing next to a well, and then the scene fades out. Oh, did I ever mention some song keeps playing occasionally saying, “I’m going to love you to death”? Well, there is. Why is it there? I don’t know. I wish you wouldn’t ask such meaningless questions. Just do like I am doing, and grit your teeth until you black out long enough to make it to the next scene. It’s working so far.

Speaking of gritting teeth, the director finally bows under the pressure of his bored animators, and decides that he better put in at least one sex scene before the animators and viewers at home die from self-induced brain shutdown. Unfortunately, it seems the director simply could not bring himself to just putting in a random sex scene, and decides that this scene should play some important role as well. Namely by having the two characters actually carry on a conversation while having incredibly intense sex. But what it eventually turns into is us laughing at the voice actors, who you can just see covering their faces in terrible, terrible shame, while trying to re-enact what two cartoon people having a conversation while having sex would sound like. The result, as could be expected, is the largest mistake of all time. But eventually it ends, and the girl turns out to be one of the midnight panthers, and then breaks the guy’s neck with her hair. If only we could all go out that way…

It seems all of that mindless slaughtering in the castle a couple of paragraphs ago was all about that guy taking over the kingdom, so now that he is the official King, his two cronies set off to issue the public their first set of demands. Of course, these demands are pretty much impossible for a village which appears to be made up of nothing but old frightened people. To put it in modern terms, it would be like if I became King of Florida, and demanded that the elderly citizens there all stopped falling asleep in public places, and in their cars. Especially when they are driving approximately 10mph in the fast lane on the highway. It’s just not a realistic demand, and would be met with intense rebelling. The kind of intense rebelling that only a group of 90 year-old people can provide. Do you know how fucking scary that would be? I would piss my pants, and turn into a girl.

So keeping in line with my theory, the townspeople immediately revolt against the cronies, only to have their torsos separated from their bodies by one of the cronie’s swords. This sends a definite “don’t fuck with the big guy with the sword” message throughout the village, and the villagers run off, possibly because the animators were getting tired of drawing them. I’m really not sure why I just described this scene to you, since it plays absolutely no importance whatsoever in the overall movie. At least as far as I can tell. I guess I’m just grabbing at anything right now to write about, since I could have probably written this entire review with only three words, and an expletive thrown in for good measure. That being:

“It’s too fucking boring”.

And oh GOD how it is.

Thankfully however, I look up from my pit of despair to notice that the movie is almost out of budget, and the credits should pop up any minute. The movie ends with the tomgirl once again killing a big monster by jamming her sword through its face, returning to her hut, and bitching at the old mutant frog lady. Finally the Tomgirl says something about killing someone herself, and the “to be continued” message comes up, followed by the credits. Yes, I know I missed several things in this movie, like the fact the three girls are actually a song and dance number, and there seemed to be an odd homosexual reference in one scene containing the new King in the nude. But really, neither of those scenes were anywhere near as interesting as what they may sound. This can be said about the entire movie actually.

So approximately 300 hours later, the movie ends, and I’m left to write a review about, which you see here. What I thought would be an insane romp through a fantasy hentai world ended up resembling an actual anime show, instead of the random hentai tard fests we’ve seen in the past. It’s like this movie isn’t quite sure where it wants to go. On one hand, it wants to be a hentai film, with its seductive women and copius breast shots. On the other hand, it has a cohesive plot, and seems to want to focus more on that than actual nudity and all around insanity. And this ultimately results in about a million different things I could be doing instead of watching this.

So if you’re the type of person that must have all things fantasy hentai, and your Final Fantasy porn mangas just aren’t having the same effect like they did the first 1000 times you looked through it, then go ahead and check out Midnight Panther. It may not be the most exciting movie of all time, but, well, if you’re reading Final Fantasy porn mangas, then I doubt you really care, and already own several copies by now.