Guide To Being Psychologically Unstable
Look at you. So normal and without fault. Just sitting there, day after day with no real problems to speak of. You have a fairly mundane life, to the point that calling you ordinary is an exciting compliment. What the hell is wrong with you? Why live such a life when you too could enter the wild world of being psychologically unstable?! What? You think that’s a bad thing? Well listen up, sugar, you don’t know what you’re talking about. For instance, did you know that the Government will give people that are psychologically unfit citizens REAL MONEY just so they’ll stay away from everyday people like yourself? It’s like a Government funded pity party that only you can invite yourself to! Not to mention all the benefits that go along with being considered completely unstable. I mean really, how many other people could have a screaming, ankle-biting, froth-at-the-mouth mental breakdown right in the middle of Wal Mart, and NOT be sent to jail? It’s like having the key to the city, my man! Just think, this could all be your new and exciting life. Sound interesting? I knew it would.
So what do you need to get started? Easy there, big guy. One step at a time! First we need to start with the most obvious. It would seem that by all accounts, you are far from mentally unstable. Sure, you may have your ticks, but that’s not enough for what we’re trying to do. So let’s start off by getting you all fucked up in the head! Or at least making people think you are.
This could be you! Just lounging the days away, getting paid for being crazy! Look, you're even a kangaroo! You're off to a good start already!
Step 1: Come To The Realization That You Are Probably Insane. Or Just Lie About It
Face it, you’re probably already crazy and you don’t even know it. Just think of how many times you have probably wanted to set fire to the woman in line at the grocery store that has a coupon for EVERY SINGLE THING SHE IS BUYING. Or how many times you have simply wanted to slice your insides out and watch them slide out of your steaming body cavity onto the floor while you slowly pass into sweet release at the idea of dealing with another demeaning day at work. Honey, we all have. And guess what? That already qualifies you as being mentally unstable. The only thing you have to do to set it in motion is to actually go through with it next time those temptations arise. So next time some guy on the street decides to bump you to the side while passing by, feel free to pin him down, wrap your mouth around that poor victim’s eye, and then viciously try to suck it out of its socket in a fit of rage. When the police show up, just be sure to casually mention that you may be a bit crazy while they try to pry the eyeball out of your mouth. That should get the crazy ball rolling in your favor.
Let your inner-crazy out in just about any sort of violent rage. That always attracts attention.
If you however find that you can’t go through with something violent, then you can simply just try your hand at lying about everything. Sit your parents down, and tell them that you enjoy hitting your testicles with a hammer to stop the blinding pain that is your life. Or casually admit to your friends or family that you have found a group of people to go ghost hunting with at night. Either of these should easily get you to:
Step 2. The Psychiatrist
Are you sitting in a room with a man/woman that seems incredibly serious, and wants to know everything about you? Then good job! You made it to the Psychiatrist’s office! This is your first big step in making someone genuinely believe that you have lost your goddamn mind. This is the hard part though, as you can easily screw everything up with a few wrong answers. You see, the person in front of you didn’t get their job by sending off UPCs from the back of a Pop Tart box. No, the person in front of you is a very smart person. Easily capable of making a psychological profile about you that will determine how the public at large should treat you in the future. So yes, this part is very important not to fuck up. Don’t worry though, we have you covered!
Smooth talk this guy enough, and you'll be on your way to easy street in no time.
How you act around the psychiatrist doesn’t much matter. After all, some of the most insane people ever are the ones that seem the most sane. So it’s not so much of how you act, but what you say during your sessions that will decide what your profile will be. I suppose you could always get bonus points for coming into the office with live animals in your pants, but overall it’s not that important. Just be yourself. Oh wait, I mean your crazy self. Speaking of crazy, let’s get started with:
Step 3: Building Your Psychological Profile
Okay, this is gonna sound a lot more complicated than it really is. See that guy over there asking you a bunch of questions about shit that seemingly has nothing to do with anything? He’s not just building up for the most complicated come-on line ever. No, he’s building a psychological profile of you. Everything you say to him from here on out will determine what goes into your profile. Sounds pretty scary, huh? It can be. All you have to do though, is know where to fake it. You see, the main parts of your profile will be broken up into sections that will be put together at the end to decide if you’re really crazy, or just someone that should probably be in jail for the rest of their life for sucking out a guy’s eyeball on a whim. So let’s get down with the first thing that will probably come up:
Step 4: Your Childhood. Or: The Seeds To Insanity Were Planted Early
Okay, very few of us have had normal childhoods. Simply sitting there and telling your psychiatrist that you cried when little Billy sprayed a water hose in your face will not be getting many crazy points for you. Hell, even having a bad childhood won’t get you many. After all, most of what makes us sentient beings that are capable of surviving is that we can overcome and cope with amazing tragedies, and still go on with our lives. Even at a young age. That’s not what we’re after, though. We want him to believe that your childhood was so dire that there’s no coming out of it without severe, traumatic problems. And I’m sorry, not getting the Transformer you wanted for Christmas one year isn’t going to do it (Even though we both know it’s just as traumatic). Remember, be creative!
This kid will probably piss himself before he goes to sleep for the rest of his life, but you still need to be worse off.
Still having trouble coming up with some stuff to say? One good idea is to take things that really did happen to you, and simply “pad” them out to make them more acceptable for a crazy person. For example:
What really happened: I fell off the toilet once.
What you should say: My parents tried to drown me in the toilet.
What really happened: I screwed up my first kiss and felt bad
What you should say: I tried to kiss a girl and realized her flesh tasted like an angel so I ate her to have the angel inside of me.
What really happened: My parents wouldn’t let me watch much TV.
What you should say: I really never like Ghostbusters very much.
Any of those examples would probably produce one hell of a red mark right down your childhood timeline. Just remember to keep padding (while expertly dissing iconic 80’s movies), and you should be gold in no time.
As of now, the psychiatrist should be getting a good idea of what kind of things shaped you into the insane beast-thing you want him to believe you are. We’ve just started though, since now it’s time to move onto:
Step 5: The Teenage Years. Or: Why You Can Only Masturbate To Pictures Of Ripe Carrots
Your teenage years will essentially be summed up by one thing: puberty. Puberty is the passage from child into man/womanhood, and makes up a good percentage of what that adult considers sexually moral. As for you, well you probably had a pretty normal teenage life. Things weren’t great, but they were necessary for shaping you into who you are today. Sure it was awkward as hell, but that’s life, right? WRONG.
I said awkward. Not intentionally embarrassing.
Christ, haven’t you learned anything? Tell that to the guy sitting across from you and you’ll have a one way ticket to lockup city. AKA: welcome to being the opposite sex against your will. You don’t want that. No one does. Especially people that are trying to pretend they are crazy to get out of trouble. That’s why your teenage years are an unmitigated tragedy. You look that doctor right in the eye while trying to hold back tears, and you tell him that your first sexual encounter was with a Donkey Kong arcade cabinet that you glued fake tits to. Why would you ever do that? Because Donkey Kong wouldn’t judge you like everyone else did. That’s right, Donkey Kong was your goddamn lover. After that, explain to him that you spent most of your teenage years locked in your bedroom, terrified of a world that was all too quick to judge a man that could not sexually climax unless you heard the sound of Mario getting hit by a barrel. After the Psychiatrist is able to look at you again without breaking down into hysterical laughter, he’ll surely see that it’s time to move on to:
Step 6: Adulthood. Or: Say Hello To Unparalleled Disaster… And Drugs
Oh man, adulthood is rough. With adulthood comes expectations from not only friends and family, but also society in general. To be a productive member of society, settle down, have a family… it’s a lot harder than it sounds. And even the people that do it generally fail at being able to do it well enough to comfortably support a family. To someone like you though, the very idea may as well be a 900 foot wall covered in giant bees. There’s no way you’re going to get over it, so why even try? Instead, why not turn to what every unstable adult with no hope left turns to: copious amounts of drugs. For most adults, one bad idea followed up by a worse idea is usually caught and corrected. For you though, just the fact that you had another bad idea is cause for celebration. So it’s time you tell the Psychiatrist that you hopped on the drug train long ago, and have had a few catastrophic derailments along the way.
Hello responsible adult decisions!
Make sure to mention that drugs became an escape from your already crazy life into an even crazier life. You can genuinely say you’re decently fucked up when you can’t even get excited from your own actual crazy life, and need to escape into an even crazier reality. And thanks to highly hallucinogenic drugs, you had your escape. You could go days blacked out, living out your own fanciful, fever-like dreams in your head. Dreams that saw you playing in a world that didn’t care that you were a ten foot tall cheetah that joined the Marine Corps to save America from the evil Brain Pods. It was the perfect escape. At least until news that a naked man acting like a wild cat was stalking the local High School ROTC classroom went national, and you were forced to cut back for a while.
After the drugs, your life became one mess after another. divorces, kicked out of apartments, let go from jobs, random urges to dress cats in people clothes, horrible nightmares about Kool Aid never being invented and you just imagined it all (WHAT WERE YOU DRINKING ALL THIS TIME?!), it’s all there. Sometimes thoughts of suicide came, but you had become so lazy that even the idea of death had become almost too much to fathom doing in between reruns of Golden Girls (I swear if it’s a Dorothy episode I’LL DO IT!). It’s all become a horrible, horrible mess. Culminating in why you’re sitting in this office right now. Begging for mercy that refuses to show itself.
God. Just end it all.
Please.
For the love of all that is holy, just end it all.
Oh… right, this is about you, isn’t it? Ahem… Hey, guess what?!:
Step 7: Congratulations! You’re Probably Insane!
So after weeks of examination, tears, hard truths, and paying for a replacement Donkey Kong cabinet, it’s over. You probably managed to have a good majority of your friends and family locked up from the various things you said, but If you managed to follow our guide, then you should have little to worry about. Your psychological profile should easily show that you are far too mentally unstable for society at large. All you have to look forward to now is a nice quiet life to live on the Government’s dime. After all, spending your days in a heavily armed asylum full of people that actually are completely insane is a small price to pay for Government living, right? What, you say I never mentioned that part? Man I’m pretty sure I did, didn’t I? You say you want to tell him the truth now? You’re not really crazy at all?
Psh.
I got news for you. Taking advice from a crazy person makes you just as crazy, kiddo.
Now move over. I get top bunk.
