OMGJeremy

Guide To Job Hunting For The Helpless

There comes a time in a person’s life when they have to make a very drastic change. I’m speaking of the point in time when you leave your parents’ home. That magical moment when you realize that you simply cannot stand living under the same roof with your parents any longer without the consequence of you burning them alive the next time one of them gives you shit for accidentally leaving your underwear in the refrigerator again. So you move everything out of your former bedroom (for those of you around 18, for those over the age of 18 you probably live in the attic, basement, or garage… because you know, you’re independent like that) and go out into the cold, unforgiving world. A world, that honestly, simply doesn’t want you or need you. Seriously, you’re basically taking up space, and you more or less know it. You have no qualities or strengths that separate you from the millions of other people in your position, so you’re pretty much screwed, my friend. But one thing is for sure…your broke, hopeless ass needs a job. And that’s where I come in.

Being the responsible adult that I am, I figure I can afford to give a little advice to poor souls such as you. So hunker down, friend, and let’s see what we can do to make the rest of your life as painless as possible. Mind you, I can’t make your life pain free. In the event that you’re one of those born losers that is destined to be in your 30′s and working some shitty mall job that you picked up years ago because “you just wanted to make a little money between semesters”… well your life is going to be full of pain one way or another. You can still feel free to read this though, because I’m sure you have nothing better to do.

First off, before we get down and dirty, here’s a quick tip for those of you over 18 and still living it up at your parents home: MOVE OUT! MOVE OUT NOW! You think your friends like to come hang out, only to have to watch your father stroll by in a pair of underwear that have long since forgotten what elastic is? You’re just wasting your time going out to pick up girls when you intend to take them home, where an intimate moment is interrupted by your Alzheimer-afflicted grandmother shouting that she has soiled herself again. You are sad, and you make us all angry, so just move. Your parents will not miss you, they’ll be too busy fucking. Yes, your parents HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER and your father probably finds it difficult to get it up when he has to listen to you sobbing in the next room. And besides, it always helps to have confidence behind you when looking for a job. I think we can all agree that the most confidence we ever had living at home was that there would be an ample supply of frozen pizzas in the freezer. And as I have found many times over, frozen pizzas will NOT help you find a job. So get the F out of there. Okay, the basics have now been covered. Let’s get you a job.

Goodbye home sweet home

Now, the first thing you need to do is look for jobs that interest you. I will say at this time, if you are of some nationality then you are probably best suited for working at a restaurant that represents your nationality (or one that you can at least pass off for). It’s easy, quick, and best of all you will probably get paid under the table so you can avoid that whole taxes hubbub. But for everyone else, you’ll need to find a job that you believe you will enjoy, because after all… most of you will make really bad investment decisions and will need to work until you die an old, sad shell of a human being, no matter what job you get. Your family will not mourn you because you won’t have a family since you were too busy to make time for love. Even if you do fall in love, you’ll never have the money or time to even consider children, and your spouse (who more than likely always dreamed of having kids but claimed not having them was okay just so you wouldn’t feel like shit) will hate you for it in the long run. Your employer will only mourn your passing because they know they’ll have to find someone else ignorant enough to do the grunt-work you were doing for the last 80 years. So you best find something that you think you can do, repeatedly, for pretty much the extent of the rest of your life. Then again, beggars can’t be choosers.

Finally, a day off! Time to celebrate!

So you find a place that doesn’t make you resent the concept of living, put in an application, and if your lack of any real life experience doesn’t turn off your employer-to-be, you’ll be called in for an interview. This is a crucial moment, as your employment depends on doing well at this interview. This is your chance to make that important first impression and get a foot in that door. First, you have to dress the part. Get out your finest clothes, a suit is nice, but since most of you are lucky to have a pair of black pants… just wear whatever has the least holes and whatever has a smell that can be withstood for at least 10 minutes. Remember that your first impression needs to be a good one, so be sure to shower thoroughly (for the 18 and still at home crowd, yell upstairs and make sure Mom isn’t washing dishes before you get in) and have a positive attitude. Let’s look at a brief example of how you shouldn’t, and should look before you go to your all-important first interview:

”Alright…well, we'll get in touch with you.”

“Can you start tomorrow?”

So the interview is over. Sorry you didn’t get the… say what? You mean… you actually got the job!? Congrats on finding someone who was obviously quite desperate for menial workers and looks in the mirror every night and shakes their head due to their ever-lowering standards. Now that you’re a working man/woman, you’ve got several things you need to remember to keep this job. First, show up on time, early if possible. If you are supposed to clock in at 8AM, don’t stroll in at 8:05. If you’re constantly late and go on to miss work, your co-workers will begin to resent you, and there is nothing worse than knowing that you don’t have the respect of a group of middle-aged people whose goals consist of one day managing the grocery store they are currently stocking outdated green peppers for. Besides, if you are good enough at simply existing and being a warm body for a long enough amount of time, then you might even get asked if you’d like to accept a promotion. For the under-developed minds out there, this means they will pay you more, but only if you do more work. Yes, it’s like choosing your poison. There is no right answer, and whichever one you pick will lead you to a life of misery. So I guess it’s sorta simple in a way… just take the life of misery that pays you more money.

Don’t be afraid of a promotion. Sure, there is more responsibility to being promoted and all, but life is pretty much filled with responsibility. Not walking out in front of speeding cars, and not jamming a razor blade into your eye whenever the fancy hits you, these are all everyday responsibilities and most of you seem to handle that stuff pretty well. So obviously you can handle a promotion, and shouldn’t hesitate at all if your manager so much as mentions it under his breath. Besides, if you don’t get it, someone else will. The last thing we want to see is someone else happy and content with their life. You DO NOT give a shit if they need this promotion because they can hardly pay their rent, or their baby is starving because they are having to make its bottles with half formula and half water just to stretch it out a little longer. If you have to crush someone to get where you want to be, do it. Slash their tires the day of the interview, rape their wife the day before so they will have to stay home and listen to her pissing and moaning for at least a week. You don’t want to be a fry-cook for the rest of your life do you? NO, you want to be working that register before you hit 30.

There is a lot to being a successful, employed person. Sometimes it might seem hard to gather work in leaner times when jobs aren’t exactly forthcoming. Trust me, it is harder for some more than others. Ladies, keep in mind that if you ever need money, you have a distinct advantage. If you can’t find a job, and you’ve got bills piling up, the rent is due and you haven’t a dime in the house…you always have a back-up plan: Prostitution. It really seems unfair when you think about it. How many male whores do you see out there? None that I know of that are not locked in the basement of some horrible bar or fat woman’s abode. Ladies on the other hand, can hit the street any old time and sell their decency away for a pretty penny. Sure you’ll spend the rest of the night sobbing in an empty bath tub, but you won’t be homeless, and in the end nobody wants to be homeless. This shouldn’t stop you, men. Just because the women have the goods, doesn’t mean there’s not a good number of extremely drunk men out there that won’t know the difference between a girl and a lawnmower when they pass out on top of you in bed. Just remember where he put his wallet.

Now there's a guy who knows how to make the system work for him

So I hope you take away at least a little inspiration from the article. I hope this helps you find steady work, find ways to gather up some quick cash (that’s right ladies), and most of all… get out of your parents’ house. They are obligated to keep your ass for 18 years and that’s it, so you’re lucky they don’t get a restraining order on you. They should be throwing you helplessly to the streets with the rest of the men who are too ignorant to work, and the women who thought they were too good to sell their services to strangers. For you sad folk, you live in the basement yet again… but not your parents’ basement, but the basement of the soul. The very bottom of the ladder, the bottom of existence… and you deserve it! Happy Job Hunting, and I hope you don’t starve to death!

Remember, you DESERVE IT!