OMGJeremy

Guide To Impressing Celebrities via Written Word

The human celebrity is a creature that is much sought-after indeed. For whatever reason, these celebrity people have given up any chance of privacy or normal living so that they can be recognized wherever they go, mobbed by crowds of frightening strangers, followed by photographers, ambushed by undercover police, and hunted by stalkers. I suppose they enjoy all of that attention, and of course also the bazillions of dollars that are delivered to them with wheelbarrows and shovels onto their front steps. Yes, fame and wealth are pretty swell, or so I am told. And it would be all peaches and sunshine and roses if these famous people could get attention, and cash dollars, and houses that cost bajillions of money, and could only be seen in clubs and restaurants and gated communities where other pretty people with equal levels of all of these things could see each other and they’d never ever be bothered by gross icky poor people like the rest of us.

However, this is simply not the case.

They must indulge us by appearing to be nice and approachable and all of that jazz because if they are not, then their beloved popularity suffers. And popularity is very, very important. If they fall out of favor, it is sometimes quite difficult to ever return to their former glory and they usually die of alcoholism down by the train tracks but no one cares until 50 years later when film students are studying the histories of these fascinating old time stars. This is where this article comes into all of our lives. I am going to explain to you all how to wheedle yourselves into the lives of any celebrity of your choosing by coming across as charming, lovely, and worthwhile through written letters. You’ll thank me when this is all over, although I may get some anger from the famous person quadrant if you don’t get it right, so please pay attention.

In the old days of celebrity living, they might have appreciated the fan base a bit more, but buddy, THESE AIN'T NECESSARILY THE OLD DAYS ANYMORE.

Step One: Pick Your Person

One of the most important things you will decide while writing to your celebrity is exactly who you will be writing. I know this seems simple to the layman, but you really must think these things out. There are different levels of celebrity and different volumes of popularity. This act of writing a famous person, it is very much a gamble. It’s like when you attend the horse races, you must consider the quality of the track, the horses’ past histories, whether or not they appear to have a limp. There are actually a bunch of things to consider at horse races but, not being a surly deadbeat dad with whiskey breath, I do not know them all. So I can’t even allude to the chance that a Guide to Horse Racing might be another article for another day. But who knows, I may surprise us all at some point and come into the OMGJ Headquarters with whiskey breath and a trail of bur-headed children. I digress.

You must look at each celebrity on your list and ask yourself things such as “how many people are probably trying to get his or her attention this week?” Very popular celebrities get thousands of letters, sometimes per day! These celebrities employ secretaries or other lucky saps to go through these sometimes-sticky pages, print out form letters, lick stamps, and stuff envelopes. You may get an autographed photo, but then again, you might just get a note thanking you for your interest and maybe a post script typed at the bottom answering a few of your questions that these employees have seen repeatedly, such as the celebrity’s favorite ice cream flavor, book, and color. These forms may pretend to be from the actual celebrity, or they may have the nerve to make it plain that the celebrity is too busy to write to you, so he or she had this person do it for them, but still, please, thank you for your interest.

So maybe that movie star you have had a steady crush on for multiple years is a little out of your league for the results you want. And we all want results. I am not saying that it is impossible to intrigue this star into befriending you; I am just saying that the odds are a bit stacked against you and you might get discouraged early on and quit. This is why I recommend that we start with the small potatoes.

"Dear Jankenpopp, Please give me babies. I love you. Your Pal, Amanda"

I am talking about the B Stars. And, occasionally, stars that have lower letters on the alphabet fronting their statuses. The distinction is sometimes hard to make, but if you can imagine actually meeting this person without ruining your pants in excitement, the chances are a bit better that you could make a good impression on them. Certain musicians are good candidates for this as are people who had their heyday more than 15 years ago. Certain rising stars and starlets occasionally have ego problems because you probably need to have one while fighting for a place in that game. It must be noted that those asshole rising stars are shits and don’t deserve your time or your ink. They’ll never make it until they learn to be human beings and not total fuckheads. At least not while I have anything to do with it! (Note to readers: I don’t have much to do with it)

Many celebrities have websites. This is where you can get mailing addresses, often c/o a friend or employee or president of their fan club. Otherwise, you can probably nose around on the internet to find the mailing addresses, or maybe find what company employs them if it is a musician or author and write to the person care of that company. I’m sure you’ll figure this part out. Personally, I just don’t write to a person unless I randomly stumble upon contact information. That way, it seems like divine providence and the crazy part of my brain is pleased.

Step Two: Looks Are Everything

I am not exactly proud to say this, but the look of your letter upon first glance will make an effect on your target. Knowing this, however, will enable you to use it to your advantage. Do you suspect that the person would be impressed by creativity? Then spruce up your handwriting and doodle like crazy in the margins. When I say “doodle” I do not mean “poop,” either. Unless you are contacting William Shatner. And hey Mr Shatner’s lawyers, everyone knows I am just kidding and making a play on his name so please do not sue me for defamation of character or anything. Although, a note to everyone else: that is a definite way to get contacted by a celebrity FIRST. You just have to not mind constant legal battles and being completely broke and ostracized by former friends and family and strangers who recognize you from the News.

I prefer the look of handwritten letters, therefore I am certain that all of the celebrities do as well. Writing with a pen or pencil allows the person to whom you are writing the opportunity to see just how batshit insane you probably are. Well, batshit insane or messy or frightening or any of those things you can tell from handwriting styles. To make it even better, I thoroughly recommend unlined paper, the type normally used for printers, for example. This way, your sentences will veer up when you say happy things about how glad you will be when they write you back promptly, and veer violently downwards when you describe how angry you will be if you do not hear back from them. It is a delight for the celebrity’s eyes to see these visual cues. Also, you can more easily write certain words much larger than the others, write in circles, or make it so that you are not otherwise restricted by little blue lines. Furthermore, it is nice when your small illustrations on the page are not interrupted by them.

Freight wagons FULL of fan mail. Top notch celebrities see this amount on a weekly basis, so you had better make yours stand out (in a non-threatening, non-scarring way).

Now, the length of your letter is very important. Many celebrities who are not so busy that they cannot read fan mail ARE busy enough that they do not want to read a 45 page opus from some lunatic in Nebraska. However, within reason, a multiple page letter might be tolerated by a famous person, especially if you happen to be a younger female writer. Girls who are college aged and younger are notoriously known for their blabbing mouths and it is not unexpected to find them writing several pages to a stranger during class. Anything is better than concentrating on the learning process.

I myself am past that age, so I prefer shorter letters. I still generally write like a nut, but I trust that since I am not 42 years old and I do not resemble Kathy Bates, I might be allowed to still ramble on occasion. Of course, I seldom go into describing my age or including a photograph, so the celebrity does not know that and probably quakes in a little fear whenever I send them things. From now on, mark my words, I will be sure to include an autographed photo of myself. What they may consider as audacity be damned! I will explain in my letter than I am doing us both a favor.

Step Three: Know How to Talk to These People

One thing that most people begin to forget in regards to celebrities is that they are really only human beings. Yes, they are very recognized by most people in the world. Yes, they could buy and sell your whole family if slavery was the “in” thing to do (and being that celebrities often dictate trends, watch for slavery being brought back by some league of identical vapid ultra-wealthy whores). They put old King Midas to shame. But deep inside, beneath all that plastic and silicone, beneath the furs and diamonds and platinum, they are just people. Like you or me if we had more money than we knew what to do with! Armed with this knowledge, start writing your letter as though you were writing to the rich, powerful, cockier version of yourself.

Just like any of us when we dress up to go to awards ceremonies.

Do you want to be sucked up to? Maybe at first, but you know that gets old really fast. After so many people doing that very thing, you’d find it refreshing to meet a person unimpressed by your grandeur. Indeed, you would want them to respect you, but you would not want worship. Neither does the celebrity! So write in a friendly voice. Be familiar to them and they will soon forget that you are a stranger, right? Isn’t that how it works? Of course it is. Write in the future tense a lot. Speak about how much fun you will have as pen pals. Tell him or her about this really great recipe you have and that they would love it if you made it for them. Pepper your letter with anecdotes that barely relate to anything you were speaking about sentences before. They’re going to love getting to know you because you are a fantastic snowflake, unique on this earth. Your stories are new to them, and they’ll want to hear all of them in due time. Throw in asides, everyone loves asides. They are never frustrating or distracting and always enhance the quality of anything you are doing!

Keep in mind, however, that you should not come off as being too pushy. Celebrities know their worth. They know what they want to do, and by god, they DO what they want! Sometimes they don’t want some asshole know it all stranger writing them a letter, detailing all of the things they should want to do for him or her. In fact, if you come across as too pushy, or if you select a hot-headed celebrity who gets angry a lot, you might not get the friendship you are looking for. You may instead get the silent treatment. That would be horrible.

Step Four: But What Should You Say?

That is a good question. Naturally, each celebrity is different, each “fan” has different needs to be met, and each scenario is totally different. You may be writing an author to get practical tips in order to better your own writing style. Perhaps you are contacting a musician to speak highly of his or her musical techniques, and maybe would like to ask for that person to listen to things you have made. Maybe you have this overwhelming need to write to a politician so that you can further some agenda you have. Or possibly you have this undying need to ask a movie star to put all morals aside and give you babies, give you babies right now because oh dear god you love their face. Who am I to speculate why you might want to write the famous person of your choice? I’ll tell you who I am not: I am not a psychic.

Anyway, I’d like to point out that it is generally a good idea to butter up the celebrity with heartfelt compliments. You must be sincere, but do not overdo it with flattery. Flattery often rings false, and more importantly, it often rings creepy. Celebrities get stalked more often than most people, so they have an acute sense of terror anytime they think they might be in danger. Stalkers are creepy, wrong people. They need to calm down a lot. I am not in favor of stalkers, no sir. And I am not just saying this in case someone reads this article and somehow misconstrues everything I say here and decides “Amanda Wood says to stalk in order to get the best results.” NO! That is not at all what I want. It isn’t want anyone wants.

Bodyguards and similar support are ever-present around the celebrity, even ones as low as Ol' Junkiesticks here.

However, the celebrity may fear that this is what you want, and your honest attempts at getting your foot in the door via flattery may very well end in restraint orders and police brutality, depending on how persistent you are. If you catch yourself sounding a tad bit creepy after you re-read your most recent paragraphs, be sure to add in the margins that you are not actually frightening and that you are in fact quite harmless. Stressing this point puts the celebrity at ease and never ever sets off alarms in their heads.

I must also add that it is probably a good idea to not come off as utterly desperate. No one wants to be the friend of a person who continually states that they really REALLY want to be your friend. It is somewhat pathetic. And all friendships are based on respect. You want the celebrity to respect you and decide on their own that they’d like to get to know you better. Never beg.

The only possible exception, again, involves younger girls. Girls in a certain, hot, age bracket are generally allowed to contact male stars and write unabashed filth to them. I have not heard anything which indicates to me that these male stars disapprove of this treatment, however, they will probably not shower the girl with respect and probably won’t even write back. But I have never actually engaged in this process, so I don’t really know how it works out. Maybe the male star would personally drive to your house to see if you are willing to back up your raunch with equally lewd actions and then fall in love with you and marry you and happily ever after the end, but I don’t think that actually happens as often as we all wish it did.

Step Five: Wrap It Up

All right, you have written two pages of promises and charm to your celebrity of choice. Now comes the tricky part where you exhibit suave smoothness and close your letter in a way that is not at all stunted or awkward. Ending letters has always been somewhat difficult, I find, so I think good advice would be to make some excuse about why you must stop engaging their minds and flattering them expertly. Suggest that the cookies in the oven are burning, or the dog is trapped in the sofa, or that a tornado warning has been issued in your area.

Do be sure to remind them to write you back soon. VERY soon. And that you will be looking forward to hearing from them. And you may even remark on your plans for your reply letter. Say something like “Oh, and remind me to tell you the story of my Crazy Aunt Ida and ‘the Nursing Home Debacle’ – you should get a laugh out of that one.” Be clever, make up your own hook that will land them in your Net of Being a Pen Pal and Future BFF with a Celebrity.

It is always good form to seal the envelope to your governor, an aged author, infamous mass murderer, etc, with a big red smooch.

It is also good form to write out your mailing address in clearly legible print all over the last page. You cannot rely on the Return Address for it may get torn as the attention-starved celebrity or volunteer mail sorter rips the envelope open. Actually, it is often a good idea to include a self addressed stamped envelope for them to use. Because then, if they don’t write you back EVEN THEN, then you can mark that celebrity down as an awful son of a bitch and a has-been and if you see them on the street you will spit at them but meanwhile you will tell all of your friends how wretched that celebrity is until they ask you to please stop because for god’s sake they get the point.

This Is Not a Step: Closing the Article

So there you have it. You now understand how to lure the rich and famous into your soon-to-be ever so awesome world. Your handwriting will club them between the eyes with intrigue, but it will be your carefully crafted content consisting of compliments and crazed anecdotes that will drag them by the hair into your cave of FUN and never your cave of serial killing. Okay? Also, as a side note, please forgive my alliteration above but that was honestly the only way I could word that sentence at that moment. It was like a curse.

With any luck, you and your celebrity will be frolicking hand-in-hand through a meadow, or shopping for a house together. You should be doing this within the next year, anyway, if you stick to your achievable goals. And be sure to tell them that Amanda Wood says hello. That’s the other way I ingrain myself into their hollow existences, I try to get everyone else to talk about me. I swear it will work someday.