My Life With Seaman Pt.4
Alright! Last week the seaman evolved into tadpole form! What will happen this week? Will he take over the world? Will he kill off more of his own? Will he tell me the secret of life? Well, let’s see exactly what he will do, but first… BRING ON THE WARNING!
If you do not want the evolution of Seaman and the later parts of his life ruined, please don’t read the rest of this article.
So, now that I’ve got that warning out of the way, back to the Seaman.
Day 22 (originally St. Patrick’s Day)
Yeah, I re-used this from last week... you want to complain? Make your own article, smartass!
“Happy St. Patrick’s Day!” That was the greeting I recieved when I checked on Seaman today… unfortunately, I was incredibly drunk and I don’t really remember what we talked about. Sorry, but I hope you all had a good St. Patty’s Day. I know I did.
Day 24 – March 19, 2002
First off, about yesterday. I didn’t do shit yesterday. And you know what? It was the best Monday I’ve had in weeks. But, I am refreshed and ready to bore you all again. So, let’s check on my favorite creepy fish-man.
He's grown!
Check out those legs! They’ve grown pretty big, and the tadpole appears to be larger. I made the mistake of calling him “Seaman” today. His response : “If my name was ‘Seaman’ I wouldn’t be swimming in this tank… I’d be swimming in your momma.” I’ve got to hand it to the people at Vivarium… they’ve made me laugh more than I have since I saw Schindler’s List.
The tadpoles then asked me all about different forms of entertainment. It seems they are interested in how I waste my time. They asked about books, television, music, and movies. Now, I’ll admit that I’m not the clearest speaking person on the planet, but I think my Seamen have some sort of hearing disorder. Let me give you a great example:
SEAMAN: “So, what kind of movies do you like?”
ME: Horror Movies.
SEAMAN: “So you like movies about sports events?”
ME: Uh… no… let’s try this again.
SEAMAN: “So, what kind of movies do you like?”
ME: Horror Movies. (spoken very clearly)
SEAMAN: “So you like the naked ones?”
ME: (Sigh) Sure.
SEAMAN: “Hmm… maybe that explains why you’re still single. Maybe you should get your hands out of your pants and go meet people.”
ME: … I hate you, Seaman.
However, all is not fun and games with Seaman today. As we were finishing up our discussion on my addiction to pornography, what do I see floating on top of the water?
You know, I'm sort of used to this by now.
Two more of these stupid things have died. But I’ve still got two left, and assuming I don’t forget about him tomorrow, I should be able to keep at least one of these things alive.
Day 25
Today Seaman decided to ask me about our location. Now I know this is some sort of plan. The Seamen are pinpointing their locations to help plan for their ultimate strike. Seaman told me he is amazed at America’s influence and is impressed that our influence keeps growing. I wonder if that is why he has been sent here… take over the “big boys” to show the world their power. That’s a very good plan, Seaman, and I’m very impressed.
The better to feel you with, my dear.
He’s growing arms! I almost forgot about their plans for world domination when, out of nowhere, I heard the tadpole say, “You seem like a perfectly normal specimen.” That is pretty damn suspicious. I’ll keep you all updated. For now, I’m stocking a Fry Daddy and a bottle of Tartar sauce just in case they get out of line…
Day 26
“It’s the first day of spring!” I didn’t know that, but thanks to my Seaman, I do now. Maybe this thing will remind me of my parents’ birthdays! This could be the ultimate personal organizer! Speaking of organizers…
"Where's the Beef?" -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS WAS THE CAPTION I WROTE
This is the storage box. Before I only had a lot of food pellets, but I’ve been capturing the butterflies from the insect cage lately. I know I’ll need these for food eventually, so might as well start saving now. I wish I would have done that when I was making some sort of disposable income… maybe I’d be out getting some sort of life instead of talking to a virtual tadpole.
Today, Seaman asked me if I liked my job, to which I responded “yes.” This may be the best response yet. “A lot of people in the sex industry are in it for the wrong reasons… it’s good to see someone is in it for the fun.” Then, a few minutes later, “I hope you’re saving the money you are making, because there isn’t really a retirement plan in your line of work.” I think if I do this again, I’ll say I’m a professional sperm donor.
Day 27
First off, Seaman apparently changed a lot in the last 24 hours. Check him out!
Eventually he'll come out of that cage and beat me for naming him "Ugly Bob"
Not only does he look like a frog-man, he now is able to walk on the ground, outside of the water! And, as an added bonus, now that he lives outside the water, he needs a sprinkler system to keep him hydrated. So, now along with the heating system, I have to make sure the sprinklers are up high enough. This is a lot more work then that damn guinea pig in the next room. On the other hand, the guinea pig doesn’t say cool shit like this.
Seaman asked me about my friends today, and at one point he asked me what my friends talk about. Well, we talk about video games, so I said that. He said, “I hope you know, not everything important has wires coming out of them – your friends, for example. They don’t have wires coming out of them, unless of course you’re one of those people who hangs out in chatrooms on the internet.” … it’s true. I’m so sad. Aside from hanging out in chatrooms, I’ve taken my sad internet fetish to the next level, and wrote a site based on video games and movies. Damnit, Seaman… you see into my soul.
Day 28
Seaman decided today was the day to discuss my health and well being. First he asked if I considered myself to be in shape. I said “no,” because I’m not in very good shape, and he said “Well, round isn’t a very bad shape. I mean, circles are round, and they’re great!” I’m not sure if that’s an insult or not, so I’ll take it as a compliment. Seaman then asked me about health clubs. I, of course, don’t really do any sort of exercise, except for the amazing amount of work I give my forearms. He didn’t seem to like that at all, and he let me know that.
“You don’t exercise… you don’t eat healthy… let me give you a shovel so you can dig your own grave.”
Nothing hits home harder than when a talking frog with a man’s face on it tells you that you’re killing yourself. That’s a life changing event, and as of today I’m exercising and eating better. Thank you, Seaman. You’ve changed my life in many ways.
So this ends week 4. At this point, I have two frogmen. I’ve also got a full box of moths for them to eat. And what did I learn this week? I learned I need to change my lifestyle, since even a computer program made by nerds thinks my life is a sad mess.
Let’s get one last look at the tank as it is right now, just to give us a starting point for next week.
Rest easy, seamen. Rest easy...
I can’t wait for him to tell me that I should stop drinking. It’s like a combination of parents / girlfriend / and high school guidance counselor all in one!
