OMGJeremy

Let’s Play Some Goddamn Indie Games Volume 1: Toads and Supple Bosoms

Hey there kids, me and Billy decided to sit down with four randomly selected Xbox Indie games earlier this week. Indie Games are user-made games that have their own section on Xbox Live. As you might expect, most are incomprehensibly bad. Most barely even qualify as games. We have taken a look at a few in the past, but this time we have combined forces to share the badness with you. We sat down with four titles for five minutes each to see if we could find one decent game out of the bunch. Did we succeed? Hell no, but you can at least see and read what we did get to experience below.

Game 1: A Game For Alexander

Billy
Well… I’m done.

Jeremy
Sooo… I’m going to take a wild guess and say this was a game made for his baby son. All I can see that you do is press buttons to make the screen change color, and/or make sounds. You can also move the analogue sticks to produce a few circles on the screen that you can move around. I’ll be honest, once I found that the Y button makes fart noises it’s basically all I did.

Billy
I used the Y button in combination with the red dots to simulate a bloody stool. Though I do have to say I was really tempted to buy it, because if you hit either of the bumpers you are told that they are disabled (which could be slightly offensive), and you have to purchase the full game for MAXIMUM AGFA! Just the standard AGFA blew me away, I can only imagine with happens when it is MAXIMIZED!

Jeremy
I noticed that too. I can only hope that it actually adds some depth to the gameplay, or just more farting sound effects.

Billy
It is awful nice of some guy to make a simple little game for his son. But really how it could even make it on to the Indie section I have no clue. There is a place for utterly pointless games that are barely interactive and maybe even don’t classify as games at all… and it’s called the PC.

Jeremy
This game is not for us. Maybe when Alexander is old enough to write a review, we can get him to do so. Until then, I think it’s on to the next game.

Billy
Yes, if you can stop listening to those farting sound effects long enough.

Jeremy
I’m still pressing Y.

Game 2: Toad’s Adventure

Jeremy
Okay, next up is Toad’s Adventure. I won’t lie, I played this before while heavily intoxicated. I think it was completely awful.

Billy
Well, usually just failed relationships and unsatisfying sex take place when you are intoxicated, so I can’t wait to see this one. Will this be another one of Jeremy’s great drunken mistakes?

Jeremy
Most likely. Basically the whole game consists of you throwing bombs down at some mermaids carrying certain stuff. Every one you blow up rewards you with something to give the princess. You get an item bonus depending on how valuable the object is. At least it tried to have some sort of semblance of gameplay I suppose. That is already a 100% improvement over most Indie Games on here.

Billy
Is that what that was?

Jeremy
Though I never managed to get past a point in item value where the princess was not saying I smelled of sickness and would be killed if I didn’t leave.

Billy
I played through seven times, and I still couldn’t please that bitch. I don’t know what she wants and honestly I don’t care. I’m not wasting my time on a woman who doesn’t place a high value on a chicken leg. Even if that rack of hers looked pretty damn nice.

Jeremy
I know. At one point I gave her seven rubber boots and a fish hook and she still chastised me. What a self-obsessed whore.

Billy
Even under such a constricting sweater-type piece of clothing… promises of a bosom firm and supple…

Jeremy
I see that you have relegated this entire review to fantasizing about her breasts. Sadly I agree that girl’s heaving chest is by far the best thing about this game.

Billy
I think this game has a lesson behind it: you can never please a woman, no matter how hard you try or how many mermaids you blast to pieces. It is super frustrating. Really, this is just like real life. You try your hardest to please a girl and all she can say is that you are worthless, she’s going to have you killed, and that you smell bad.

Jeremy
Those are some deep thoughts that we will save for the next OMGJ Psychiatrist appointment. But really I don’t think poor Toad Man is going to get even one finger in the stink for a long time. No matter how many maracas and rotted skulls he fishes up. Okay, enough of this bitch. Let’s move on.

Game 3: A Killer’s Dream

Billy
This one brings interactiveness to a whole new low. It’s basically one of those “Scary Image” Halloween DVDs that you put on in the background of parties. The whole night is spent without anyone even looking at it, and you are happy for that too because as it goes on you realize just how lame it really is. As far as I can tell, you are entering a killer’s dream (which was a lot cooler when it was called The Cell, plus the scene where she had black hair with red streaks was the only time I ever thought Jennifer Lopez was hot). This killer must be the most boring person in the world because he only dreams about still images with random symbols and letters in them. The letters spell out the name of the killer, and if you were able to not blink or fall asleep you choose the correct name at the end and bring this horrible person to justice.

Jeremy
Man that was about as scary as flipping through a Hot Topic catalogue.

Billy
Yeah, but with less jerkoff material.

Jeremy
I really didn’t quite get any of the letters as I wandered off about halfway through. It then asked me to pick the killer’s name, to which I picked Kevin as the murderer (Since everyone named Kevin is a murderer in my book) only to have it ask me to buy the game.

Billy
I do wonder why you even have to pick out a name. If you are entering the dreams of the killer then you obviously have a good idea of who he is in the first place. Maybe that isn’t the case… because maybe I went to fix a drink during the explanation at the beginning.

Jeremy
I also noticed that Haunted House Mode unlocks with the purchase as well, which I imagine to just be the Halloween party background noise you mentioned earlier. Except not scary or entertaining at all. Much like this entire “game.” Let’s move on.

Game 4: Don’t Be Nervous Talking To Girls

Jeremy
OK, are you ready to learn how to talk to a girl?

Billy
I think I am. I’m tired of my usual routine of stumbling through conversation and having to resort to dropping pills in drinks.

Jeremy
No more punching them until they pass out for me!

Billy
Nice tits on this one too. They seem oddly familiar to me. IS THIS THE SAME GIRL FROM THAT TOAD GAME!?

Jeremy
Maybe. Unlike her demanding doppleganger from Toad’s Adventure, this one seems to be a complete headcase. She said she was going to call the police because I answered her stupid trivia question about rollercoasters wrong. The premise seems to be you meet this girl in certain selectable areas, and then you have to carry on a “conversation” with her. Calling it a conversation is stretching things, since it turns into more of a trivia/memory game. If you manage to answer her correctly, she likes you. Get them wrong though, and you expect a flurry of girl rage coming right at you. Actually, that’s not too far off from what being around a girl is like.

Billy
Well, after demonstrating my mastery of knowing birthstones, I got that bitch’s number in the coffee shop. After all, most girls only go to coffee shops to do homework or get hit on by strangers. Though I was a little baffled by the fact that they only give you 5 seconds to memorize her number.

Jeremy
Yeah that’s total horse shit. I’m not seeing how this is supposed to be related to real life. Like, does she have a piece of paper with her phone number written on it, and then flashes it at you suddenly? And if you miss it then TOO BAD. What kind of crazy bitch does that?

Billy
All of them I’ve met so far. I haven’t learned much from this, and now I’m super-scared I’m going to slip up and use my gamertag in place of my name when I’m out in public now.

Jeremy
I am now actually MORE afraid to talk to girls since I am afraid they will ask me obscure trivia questions, like how many red blood cells a human body has at any one point. I DON’T KNOW. Then she will threaten to call the police or something.

Billy
I’ve learned that when I go talk to girls, I need to take my laptop with me so I can quickly look up whatever impossible question they ask and so I can also type their phone number down in wordpad.

Jeremy
I’m not gonna lie, punching them until they passed out was way easier. This sucks.

Billy
Yeah, I’m sticking with the pills. I’m not too good for cleaning up my work with bleach afterward.

Jeremy
Yeah, F this game

———————————————————–

So I think that’s it?

Billy
‘Til next time

Jeremy
Man, indie games suck.

Billy
The shitlog of Indie games is mighty. I don’t know how half of this stuff ended up on here, and I don’t know why we feel the need to play it.

Jeremy
I look forward to seeing what we find in the toilet bowl next

Billy
The same thing you always find in a toilet bowl: Shit.