OMGJeremy

Guide To Weight Loss

In this super image-obsessed day and age, everyone is trying to lose weight so that they may appear more beautiful to the people who look at them and judge them every minute of their lives. According to books, magazines, television, and radio – the actual goal of human civilization is NOT to live in harmony with each other and nature, but instead, it is to lose that tummy by bathing suit season. If humankind could just lose ten more pounds, there would surely be an all-encompassing happiness that would wash over the earth and bring us into a Zen-like state of super peace. I mean, it HAS to be true, because that is what EVERYONE seems to be always striving to achieve, right?

There are many easy methods for easy weight loss. There are many more difficult methods for not-so-easy weight loss, as well, and I may touch on those too, depending on how scant this article looks before I discuss them. I actually don’t yet know what I’ll even be discussing today, as I have not made even the most rudimentary of plans. Also, I am writing another article at the same time, which is probably the worst idea I’ve ever had. One paragraph here, one paragraph there, how could this possibly go wrong? If you suddenly notice that I am going off on ugly babies, just assume that in the Ugly Baby Article, there will be a tangent about getting skinny. But I shall endeavor not to have that happen. At any rate – fatties! Listen up! I am here to tell YOU how to get thin! And you really superficial fuckfaces who already are skinny but would like to get even skinnier – go to hell! This article is for the fat chunks of readers we have here, it is their doorway into your world.

Shame!

Some of you may be asking yourselves just what is the Skinny World like, and how would I, of all people, know about it. That’s a very good question. You see, tubbies, I am an excellent observer of infomercials. I can look at an advertisement for literally minutes and already draw conclusions based on what they tell me. And, my friends, infomercials have NEVER lied. The world of the beautifully thin is a perfect world indeed. According to the infomercials, people who have six pack abs have to beat hordes of members of the opposite sex away from them with a special Sexy Abs Stick, which is included FREE OF CHARGE when they buy the Sexy Ab Roller Pin. That’s an extra value of $19.95, you know. Those women with thighs that you would willingly die for experience endless streams of good luck, have money given to them by handsome gentlemen, and are happy and satisfied with their lives 24 hours a day, forever – until they let themselves go and swoop into depression and kill themselves. Yes, tight butts, narrow hips, slender waists, shapely upper arms are all important features to have. But not everyone is born looking thin and perfect. Most of you will have to actually do something to shape your body. The first and most important step to sublime perfection and unbelievable happiness and success is weight loss itself. And that’s what I’m blabbing on and on about. Right. I’ll move along to the actual helpful part now…

Method Recommendation 1: Develop an Eating Disorder

Although not really recommended by the medical community, eating disorders are the way countless women, and yes – men, too!, have kept their figures. There are at least two big eating disorders that have been discovered by scientists in their important clean white lab coats by using their glass tubes, electricity, chemical mixtures, and their giant scientific brains: Anorexia and Bulimia. For some reason, these scientists must have wanted all girls to stay fat and ugly, because they decided that these eating disorders were harmful and wrong and that if you know anyone who exhibits these symptoms, get help for them blah blah blah and all of that other bullshit. But that hasn’t stopped thousands and thousands of girls and boys around the world from hopping on the nearest trolley headed to Sexy Town.

First stop: Skinny Avenue!

Anorexia has the most results. Friends and family can see the pounds literally sloughing off of you, although if you are very dedicated, you will probably not notice at all. That unbelievably thin gymnast in school, the brittle girl who works in the library, that supermodel wearing that incredibly revealing highly fashionable strip of cloth – they are all anorexic. And I can see into your head. You are jealous of every single one of them. But what can you do to get anorexia, you ask? Why, it’s as easy as developing a highly complex obsessive mental condition, that’s all! Get into the mindset of hating yourself, wishing you could control everything around you, and blaming yourself for every little thing that is less than perfect. You burnt your toast for breakfast? It is because you are so stupid, fat, and ugly. Come to think of it, throw that toast away, fatass, you don’t deserve to eat it. Just drink some water and some laxatives, so you can start blasting all of that fat straight out of your intestines and into the toilet where it belongs!

Bulimia is another story altogether. If you don’t really want your friends and family to send you to the hospital for “starvation,” you may want to be a bulimic. It’s actually a method you should use after you’ve already lost the first hundred pounds or so and have gotten into the “healthy weight” for your “height” or “whatever.” You also get to eat more food this way. Tons more food. The secret, though, is that after you eat, before you absorb TOO many calories, you throw it all up. Sometimes, you have to do unsexy things in order to get sexy, do you hear me? Vomiting is just nature’s way of keeping you from being a gross fat slob. With Bulimia, you don’t really lose so much weight so quickly that you are seen as insane and ill. Rather, you can gain the respect of your friends because you can eat so much, whatever you want! – and never gain a pound. You want to be loved and respected and envied, don’t you? Then finish that bag of Doritos, porky! And then sick it up in secret later. The feeling of satisfaction you will derive from this simple task will be all you really need to keep going.

You know what they say: "A moment on the lips, four hours bent over the toilet spewing out your insides."

Method Recommendation 2: Become Riddled With Internal Parasites

I almost want to skip this section because I almost just threw up FOREVER. I was doing research on which parasites, exactly, you may want to get in order to have weight loss, instead of like, horrible blindness or deformation of body. But I stumbled upon a very bad case of worms falling out of someones ass. I wept. And then I posted the image on the OMGJ Forum, but that is to be expected. Ugh. Give me a minute to regain my composure. Or a few weeks, really.

Ah, parasites. Surprisingly, many “doctors” and “learned scholars” believe these wacky little worms and various other tiny organisms to be “harmful to the host” and just… “parasitic.” But what do they know? In reality, these little protozoa, worms, flukes, and whatever else are just other animals trying to live out their lives, just like the rest of us. No need to demonize them. They actually do us some good because they help us keep our figures! And even get tinier figures. And possibly some other, less-desirable side-effects… But that’s a subject for a medical report, not this article about the Fantastic Simple World of Weight Loss!

So how can you get these precious little life-suckers? From what I understand, if you are in the South, you only need to eat some dirt. You’ll have pinworms or hookworms jetting out of your ass in no time. Eating bits of uncooked pork often grants one with some mighty worm infestations. I think I read in some fact sheet once that women of yesteryear, say, the 1700s or 1800s, used to deliberately get tapeworms to keep their waists down to 13 inches. With help from those horrible corsets of course, but still. The tapeworm was a very important feature. They should start selling those in stores again. Packages of tapeworms.

Has a tapeworm ever been so faithfully captured in illustration before? No.

Method Recommendation 3: Food Allergies – The Effective Eat Deterrent

I decided to get a real expert on Food Allergies to write this section for me, to give this article an air of Semi-Worthwhileness, a trait that I just now made up. So, I have asked Trev, our very own writer on the OMGJ Staff of People, to explain how he keeps his amazing stickfigure-esque figure with the aid of a myriad of terrible food allergies. Read on…

“All the experts agree that the more you shove into your gaping maw, the fatter you’ll become. You want to be thin? Eat less. If only it were that simple. Sadly, the terrible beast of hunger is always lurking ready to strike like a hungry snake that has the head of a bear. A hungry bear that is filled with a powerful rage and thirst for soft drinks. Most people are weak-willed pansies and will give the hungry bear anything it wants. Then they have the nerve to moan about being fat. Oh obese lady you are indeed fat, fat with GUILT for giving in to the snake-bear’s demands.

Don’t lose hope; all you really need is a debilitating allergy!

No chocolate treat will taste as good as your sexy new hipbones feel.

Having an allergy is a double-edged sword in terms of weight loss. You may think that means there are good and bad points, but I’m using a different meaning where double-edged means double the cutting. Cutting in terms of cutting weight from you, so you get thinner. Yes. So it’s all good, then. I think that is what I mean. Reasons? I have some. To use an example, if you become allergic to milk you will not be tempted to eat all those foods containing milk. This includes such fat-creating favourites as cheese, yoghurt, chocolate, cakes, lactating breasts and doughnuts. Wow! Can’t you just feel the pounds positively dropping off your doughy frame in great lipidy waves? You won’t want to eat them because they will make you ill and no-one wants to be ill. But wait… you think being ill is a small price to pay for a bite of delicious chocolate? That’s ok too. Eat the chocolate and your handy allergy will not only make you ill, but will also make you projectile vomit with amazing speed. Barely will that chocolate have hit your digestive system before painful spasming sends it, and the remains of your last three meals, shooting out of your mouth, nose, eyes and space under your nails. This will speed up the skinnifying and is certain to win the respect of all your bulimic friends. Just remember that haggard, weak, pale and shaking are just other words for sexified.”

Method Recommendation 4: Highly Illegal, Highly Addictive Drug Consumption

From what I understand, drug addiction is a fine way to keep unbelievably thin. Sure, parents, good friends, teachers, cops, the government, and all of those other busybodies who pretend to “care” are very much against drug use. But it’s really just a conspiracy. A conspiracy designed to keep people focused, productive, and FAT. Don’t you think They’re making a lot of money off of this anti-drug mentality? Fat people have more diseases that need prescription medicine and you know they generally spend billions of dollars each year on diet pills and exercise equipment that is carefully designed to keep chunkies from being motivated enough to use it regularly anyway. Drug addicts don’t make the doctors or exercise equipment people wealthier. They don’t even help the grocery stores by buying food. In fact, they don’t spend their money on anything but drugs. And they look fabulous as a result.

Look at those thin rock stars. Check out that runway model, and those waifish kids on the street who look so very in style. All of those very enviable people who you at some point or another have desperately wished to be all sport what is referred to as “the Heroin Look.” It’s true. For some reason, looking like a Junkie has always been something certain people go for. Willowy limbs and torsos, dark circled eyes, sunken cheeks, pale complexions – all very sexy. And all very attainable via heroin use. It’s addictive enough that you won’t want to do anything else. However, heroin is pretty expensive for Joe and Jane Anybody, and getting in with that exclusive crowd can be a stress that is a bit Too Much for anyone remotely shy or lacking self-confidence. Luckily for these wusses, heroin isn’t the only option in Drugland.

Thin willowy arms pumped full of Liquid Forget-to-Eat.

There are other drugs you can use, too. Cocaine and its derivative, crack-cocaine, will diminish your appetite like you wouldn’t believe. They also encourage you to stop being so sedentary and exercise – even if you don’t want to. It really almost sounds too good to be true. They can be somewhat expensive though, and a bit “too exotic” for some. These people may prefer equally as destructive addictions to caffeine pills and ephedra-enriched diet supplements. Did I say destructive? I meant effective. Imagine, you could be so full of pills that you won’t even want to eat one single pretzel. And do you know the caloric value of a pill? Well, neither do I, but I imagine that it is quite low.

I'm getting full just looking at them!

A few of you may be intrigued at this point, and are wondering how quickly Drug Abuse will lose you some of that nasty flab. This is very important to remember: Drug Abuse is far more casual than Addiction, and as a result, the results may be very disappointing. Drug Addiction is what you are after in order to make this work. You want to focus so much on the buying and taking of drugs that you can think of nothing else. Make it so that when you don’t have your drug or drugs of choice available, you are frantically figuring out when and where you can score your next bunch. You may be dimly aware, at the time or in retrospect, that you will not only be losing weight, but also friends, family support, your house, possessions, job, and ultimately your self-respect and dignity – but those are really just complications to your life, right? So drugs have that added bonus – not only do they create a thin and perfect, if slightly diseased and enfeebled, body, but they also simplify your life and get rid of all that silly drama sober fatties get embroiled in.

Method Recommendation 5: Turn Terminal Illness In Your Favor

One of the most widely accepted facts in the world is that Terminal Illnesses are Very Bad things to have. Nobody wants to become terminally ill, and when they do, they react as if they’ve received a death sentence. And it really isn’t far from the truth, I guess. Friends and family are devastated and feel a powerful mixture of sorrow and awkwardness. If you don’t believe me, see for yourself. The next time you see your doctor and return home, announce an Important Gathering for friends and family. Then announce that your doctor told you that you have a rare, fatal disease that will slowly rob you of your life. It may take a few weeks or several years, but it will be incredibly painful and horrifying to watch until your very last day. Watch their faces. They react with deep, deep sadness, don’t they?

Fatal diseases come in many, many varieties. Some work quickly, others take years to finish you off. Some, like bad cancers, can even get cured sometimes these days. A few waste you away until you are just a dried out husk of your former self. Most of these diseases are very horrible to have, but there isn’t any reason you shouldn’t cling to what may be the ONLY good symptom you will be experiencing: Extreme Weight Loss.

Ugly cells can make pretty bodies, kids.

Some of you naysayers and Doubting Thomases may be pointing at some major flaws in this plan. And it’s true, I’m not sure if you actually can make yourself get a terminal disease. I mean, beyond easy ones like the AIDS, which does make a person very thin indeed, but it takes around ten years to activate. Perhaps if you carried some radioactive material under your tongue for a while, or maybe eat some known toxins that damage your brain… Perhaps these things could get you some unfortunate tumors and cancers and neurological diseases. I’m not sure. Believe it or not, I am not a doctor OR a scientist. I’m just a girl who wants to help those of you who wish to be skinnier. I suppose this recommendation is more geared toward those of you who are already diagnosed, as a ray of sunshine. And for the rest of you deranged bastards who actually ARE entertaining thoughts of getting a terminal illness in the name of fashion, who says you CAN’T make yourself develop something like that? I mean, come to think of it – how many people have actually tried? Keep your chins up and have some hope. It’s all about positive thinking.

What If Nothing Works?

I guess it’s conceivable that you could have mistakenly ingested a parasite that keeps you from losing weight, so your Bulimia and Anorexia haven’t worked to your advantage. Or, in order to keep out of jail, you have had to quit your drug habit by order of the court and, as a result, have ballooned in size, as bodies often do after such an ordeal. Maybe your disease was miraculously cured, and your food allergy only affected you when you ate vegetables. It’s possible that you tried, and managed to survive, all of my sound, informative, and not-at-all-bad suggestions and are STILL not thin, although you have a huge array of Other, Very Bad Problems and are a far sight worse off than you used to be. This is hardly my fault. I’d say God has it in for you or something.

They say bulimia hurts your teeth, but who needs teeth when you are thin and amazingly sexy?

But don’t get distressed. I have only listed Five of the Most Obvious Methods of Weight Loss here. You just KNOW that there has to be more than that. And there IS! However, since I’m not getting paid to counsel you poor overweight human beings, I will not write in detail about the other methods. After all, it is rather easy to use your imagination to come up with some more ways on your own. But, as a mercy to those of you whose brains are just as fat and out of shape as the rest of your body, I’ll make a half-assed list right now: You could actually physically cut off excess fat, leaving beautifully attractive scars all over your now-sleek form. Eating healthy, nutritional, low-fat foods is always a possibility, although that would require some semblance of self-restraint, which is a bit much to ask for, I understand. Other, less favorable suggestions include regular exercise, deep meditation to gain control of your fat-producing glands and metabolism, and those god-awful Fad Diets that make some crackpot motherfucker richer beyond his or her wildest dreams. You could theoretically get yourself stranded on a deserted island, where you are forced to build your own shelter, hunt your own food, fashion your own clothes, and discover agriculture. By the time you are re-introduced to modern society, you will be tanned, weathered, and stunningly fit. Without a doubt, your monkey pelt skirt will be the pinnacle of haute couture and you will become a fashion icon. One of the beautiful people at last.

Boy or girl – this is your goal.

And, in the end, isn’t that what we are all after?